Five Jokes By Santa Claus

1. What's the most difficult part for Santa when giving the women of the house their present on Christmas Eve? Not waking their husbands as they wrap Santa's package. Ho ho ho!

2. Why does Santa need the women of the house to wrap his package when he visits on Christmas Eve? Well, Santa doesn't need to contract the gift that keeps on giving. Ho ho ho!

3. What's the worst thing about sex with Rudolph? He never does it with the light on. Ho ho ho!

4. My short little elves love living with me, but they hate my mistletoe belt. Ho ho ho!

5. What's the hardest part about ignoring a drunk dial from Santa? He knows when you're awake. Ho ho ho!

BONUS JOKE
What do the reindeer yell when flying Santa over three women in a red light district? "Whores!" Ho ho ho... Oh, I kid.

Ho five.

God Hates Gaga & Palin Loves Crazy

1. Reverend Fred Phelps from Kansas declared in a press release today that "God Hates Lady Gaga." The very holy man went on to call Gaga a "proud whore" and a "simple slut." Reverend Phelps, are you forgetting that Mary was the one with two baby daddies?

2. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin revived her use of the "death panel" argument when she spoke to her followers. "Merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" said the former Alaskan Governor. This wasn't taken from Palin's twitter account, but rather the transcript from a live speaking engagement.

3. 35 year old Kristy Lee Roshia is being held in federal custody after threatening to hurt members of the first family during their visit to Hawaii later this week. Authorities confirmed that Roshia has a history of leaving crazy messages to the Secret Service. "Although [my] mission is to assassinate the president, [I have] no desire to hurt him," said Roshia in 2004. Ah, yes of course, the very effective "assassination by pleasure." Well planned, Sarah Connor.

4. A fugitive who recently escaped from an eastern England prison reportedly continues to update his Facebook page while still on the run, posting about everything from his meals to who he's going to be dating next. "Is thinkin, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!" said Lynch. Well, I hope your hands have girl names.

5. On Tuesday Spanish police seized a ship 200 miles off the Iberian coast hauling more than 1.5 tons of cocaine. Authorities reached the 150-foot ship's location in about 3 hours, but made the trip back in about 20 minutes.

High five.

Parker Drives Off & Will.He.Is Homeless

1. Prince William is spending Tuesday night out on the street in support of London's homeless charity Centrepoint, for which he has been a spokesman since 2005. "Mental illness, drug and alcohol dependancy and family breakdown" are just some of the things the homeless deal with, said the prince. In other words, Prince William felt like he was right back in the palace.

2. Conservative Alabama House Democrat Rep. Parker Griffith announced that he will be switching over to the Republicans before the upcoming midterm elections. Griffith has voted against most major Democratic legislation and GOP leaders have reportedly been trying to recruit him for sometime. Though an embarrassing moment occurred today when GOP leaders discovered Griffith is already a registered Republican, but in accordance with Alabama state law, never learned to read.

3. On Tuesday, Darth Vader and a handful of stormtroopers rang the bell to open the New York Stock Exchange. Also in attendance were Lucasfilm Ltd. representatives as well as RD-D2. It's at that moment in their Wyoming home that Lynne Cheney realizes Dick's "run to the store" has been taking an awfully long time.

4. A Brazilian chief justice has ordered a 9 year old boy to be legally turned over to his New Jersey father who has been fighting for his custody over the last 5 years. David Goldman was ecstatic when he heard his son Sean would be returned to him in the U.S. However, in future news, an 18 year old Sean Goldman vows never to speak to his father again after paging through a "Women of Brazil" calendar.

5. Actor Arnold Stang, known for his roles alongside stars like Milton Berle and Frank Sinatra, died Tuesday at the age of 91. Stang is most remembered for playing nerdy characters with nasally voices. The wake will be held Thursday followed by one final atomic wedgie.

High five.

Jesus In Tha House & Army Of One-ing For Two

1. U.S. and Canadian researchers have discovered what facial measurements people consider the most attractive. In a series of experiments, participants were shown various photos of female faces, and all participants chose faces that fit a golden ratio, the optimum distance from the hairline to the top of the mouth and the horizontal distance between the eyes. However, researchers say there are "easy ways to trick beholders into thinking a woman's face is maximally attractive." For instance, boobs.

2. With the votes all but shored up in the senate, President Obama is praising the health care bill as it comes closer to passing. Obama cheered the health care bill adding that it will make a "tremendous difference for families, for seniors, for businesses and for the country as a whole." When asked if he would sign the bill when it came to his desk, Obama said, "Oh yeah, I'll totally sign whatever it is that this thing does."

3. Archaeologists in the city of Nazareth, Jerusalem have uncovered a house that appears to be from the era of Jesus Christ. Scientists believe the house was lived in by Jews based on the presence of chalk which Jewish households of that time used to maintain purity of food and water. Also indicative of the time period was a kid's JWA poster which read, "Fuck tha Romans!"

4. On Monday, U.S. General Anthony Cucolo in Iraq said that soldiers who get pregnant or impregnate a fellow soldier may face court-martial. "Anyone who leaves this fight earlier than the expected 12-month deployment creates a burden on their teammates," says Cucolo. So, remember that, guys. You're not just screwing a female soldier, you're screwing America.

5. In his new book, a professor at Duquesne University Law School says that Osama Bin Laden once tried to have former President Bill Clinton assassinated during an economic forum in the Philippines. The story has never before been reported but was recounted by a former director of the Secret Service. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, none of his assassins could get close enough to Clinton, which is why Bin Laden terrorist schools now include blow job classes.

High five.

Palin ad Visor & Woods' Wife Wiser

1. It's been reported that Elin Nordegren is getting a divorce from husband Tiger Woods. Today Woods signed the first of many giant, novelty first place checks over to her.

2. A new study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project shows that 15% of teens admit to "sexting," sending nude images via text message. But analysts urge parents not to blame cell phones. "Blaming the technology is like blaming an automobile for drunk driving," says Bill Albert of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Yeah? Tell that to KITT. I believe you, David Hasselhoff. I believe you.

3. Sarah Palin is apologizing today after photos surfaced of her wearing a McCain campaign visor with the logo blacked out. Palin says she was simply trying to remain incognito while vacationing in Hawaii and still supports McCain 100%. Though according to Fox News data, it's more like 570%.

4. US military officials today say that Iraqi insurgents have hacked into the live video feed of their remote control drones. Today, Apple released a statement apologizing for the hack, saying, "We never thought this would be the application of our new line of Macs powered by stoning adulterers."

5. According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, joblessness in America is causing major trauma on US families. Half of those polled are suffering anxiety or depression and "4 in 10 parents have noticed behavioral changes in their children that they attribute to their difficulties in finding work." You know the economy's bad when even sweat shops are laying off children.

High five.

Tiger Woods Still Ahead & Toby Keith Still An Ass

1. On Wednesday, Tiger Woods was voted the top athlete of the decade, beating talents such as Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. Woods' 56 PGA Tour victories in this decade are more than the greatest golfers have won in their entire career. Still, many critics believe the results have been skewed by having just female porn stars vote.

2. This week, Detroit's mayor is reporting that the city's unemployment is close to a shocking 50%. City leaders say officially the unemployment is at 30%, but that the Bureau of Labor Statistics does not include part time workers seeking full time or people who have given up job searching all together. Mayor Dave Bing also adds that the figure shoots up to 70% if you include those in Eminem's posse.

3. Toby Keith is being criticized for making a racist gesture during a Nobel Peace Prize concert in Norway where he performed the song Rapper's Delight with Will Smith. When the two got to the word "yellow" in the lyrics, Keith was seen pulling his eyes back. In related news, this story's original reporter accidentally included the phrases "Nobel Peace Prize" and "Toby Keith" in the same sentence causing her head to explode.

4. On Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, cast members from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" recreated the story of Christmas, acting as the three wise men. Visiting the stable where Jesus was lying, the three brought with them gold, frankincense, and embarrassing sadness.

5. On Saturday, an elderly couple, after being together for nearly 59 years, died just moments apart in their Florida nursing home. Lolie Bracken passed away early in the afternoon and her husband James a mere minutes later. When nurses discovered James had died, they found an open journal near him which read, "At long last! Sweet bachelor freed--"

High five.

Peepholes & Assholes

1. Kourtney Kardasian gave birth Monday to a healthy baby boy. Mason Dash Disick was born in a L.A. hospital weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. Of course, minus butt weight, the baby is 6 ounces.

2. In an interview with the New York Times Tuesday, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman said that Liberal enthusiasm for the Medicare buy-in legislation convinced him that opposing the measure was the right thing to do. In a press release Tuesday night, Liberals said they are extremely happy that Senator Lieberman is alive and well and that their enthusiasm would be crushed if he were to hang himself in his office.

3. Tiger Woods is now reportedly being linked to a sports medicine doctor who is under investigation for dealing in illegal drugs. Dr. Anthony Galea says he visited the Woods' home this year while the golfer was recovering from a knee injury. On Tuesday, Galea appeared on Good Morning America to tell viewers that Tiger was a sensual and very well endowed lover.

4. At a UN climate conference Tuesday, former Vice President Al Gore said that based on new computer modeling, the Arctic Ocean could be ice-free by as soon as 2014. "We can still do something about it," said Gore. "The ice is not gone yet." Gore then reached to the nearest reporters face, pulled away as if holding something, and added, "Not like your nose, which is now gone."

5. On Tuesday, ESPN reporter Erin Andrews appeared in court with the man accused of stalking her and secretly video taping her through a peephole in her hotel room. In other news, a hot, steamy video has been released showing sexy ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a peephole at an unidentified court proceeding.

High five.

Out Of Brown & Not Out Of Woods

1. Author Stephen King and his wife will donate $13,000 so that 150 soldiers from Maine's National Guard, stationed in Indiana, can take a bus home for the holidays. The bus ride will be split into an 8 part series, take over 2 months to complete, and at some point feature a man-child.

2. 98 year old Massachusetts woman Laura Lundquist is being indicted in the killing of her 100 year old nursing home roommate. Elizabeth Barrow was found dead with a plastic bag tied around her head on September 24. Authorities believe Lundquist may have been under the influence of something, given the unsnorted lines of Metamucil on their coffee table.

3. Global consulting firm Accenture Ltd. has decided to end its relationship with Tiger Woods in the wake of a media storm concerning Woods' marital infidelity. Accenture recently featured Woods in an ad with the slogan, "The road to high performance isn't always paved." Of course, most girls now know that Woods performs much better when they are unpaved.

4. Anger management's prize pupil Chris Brown unloaded on retailers who wouldn't stock his new CD Graffiti. "JUST WAS AT WALMART in wallingford, CT... they didn't even have my album in the back... not on shelves, saw for myself," said Brown via Twitter. Walmart was seen recently with a bruise under one eye, and nude pictures of the retail chain are circulating the web.

5. On Oprah's special Christmas at the White House, when asked what grade he would give himself, Obama said he would grade what he's done so far with a B+. Oprah then checked to make sure that the B had not been changed from an F, adding, "Like a previous President who shall go unnamed."

High five.

PGA Bandwagon & Al Goring Palin

1. PGA players are jumping in on the Tiger Woods debate, criticizing the golfer for being "a phony." Golfer Ben Crane said of Woods, "He can't retain the squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer," while golfer Charles Warren stated he thinks Wood's wife should leave him. Wow, PGA players: courageously taking the popular stand for a slighted woman... unless of course she wants to hit from the same tee they do.

2. A review this week of Barnes & Nobles e-reader the Nook called the contraption "a mess," citing issues such as slow screens and its inability to show color. Yes, God forbid you take the time to read a book let alone one without pictures and pretty colors.

3. It's been discovered that Men's Health magazine's most recent issue reused the cover from a previous issue from 2007. The magazine recycles lines like "Six-Pack Abs," "Dress For More Sex," and "Eat Better, Think Smarter." The most telling sign though was the headline "Tiger Woods Voted Most Gentlemanly Monogamous Man Of All Time."

4. An atheist man who was elected to city council in North Carolina is facing resistance today as opponents say under state law he cannot hold political office. Not the state law which bars people who deny the existence of God from holding office, but rather the one which doesn't allow "book learners."

5. While on the Laura Ingraham show Thursday, Sarah Palin said climate change believers try to make something out of nothing. When asked if she would ever debate Al Gore, Palin said Gore probably wouldn't want to lower himself to the level of "little old Sarah Palin from Wasilla." Well, he probably just wants to stay on high ground for when Wasilla, AK is underwater in 25 years.

High five.

Perez Hilton & Other Canzerous Colons

1. Radio host and Fox News personality Glenn Beck is being criticized by some as having a conflict of interest over one of his sponsors. Critics say Beck regularly touts the advantages of the gold market but fails to mention that he is a paid spokesman for precious metals vendor Goldline International. Not only that, but a recent investigation has revealed a second conflict of interest, that Beck is also employed by Fake Patriotic Douche Corporation of America.

2. A 20 year old Virginia community college student was arrested Tuesday after opening fire in a classroom using a high powered rifle, though no one was injured. Police have not yet revealed the shooter's motive, but say he was very upset and kept referring to himself as a loser. I don't know, bringing a gun to school and everyone leaving unharmed? What a loser.

3. A new report estimates that colon cancer deaths could drop dramatically in the next decade thanks to better screening and treatment. The American Cancer Society says colon cancer has already dropped 20% in the last decade and that the end of the world in 2012 should get rid of a lot of assholes.

4. Perez Hilton is in a verbal spat with local Los Angeles morning show KTLA after a scheduling conflict caused Hilton to storm out and cancel his guest appearance. Anchor Sam Rubin explained his version of events on-air before referring to Hilton as a "talentless dope." Please, Mr. Rubin, there's a classier way to do this: Ms. Talentless Dope.

5. Joshua S. Trevino, co-founder of RedState.com and former Bush speechwriter has identified an anachronistic mistake in the show Mad Men. Trevino points out that certain books shown on shelves during scenes of the AMC drama were published decades after the time when the show is set. But then again, that's just the factual and thorough nature you come to expect from George W. Bush speechwriters.

High five.

Michael Bay & Livingston Gay

1. Billboard magazine has named Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" as the one-hit wonder of the decade. Despite the news, Powter told reporters he was actually having a very good day, but only because he just got a shield that protects him from spit and middle fingers.

2. A new study out of Seton Hall University Law School finds evidence of a military cover-up in regards to the alleged suicides of three Gitmo prisoners. Experts say the details of the three deaths were extremely suspicious. The most suspicious however is a business card left at the scene which reads "Ninja Rumsfeld was here."

3. Michael Bay has created a new ad for Victoria Secrets, it was reported today. The ad features models posing in front of various backdrops of vehicle-filled landscapes. Analysts say fans of the director will have no trouble recognizing his style, especially at the end when all the models explode and Megan Fox calls him Hitler.

4. Ron Livingston of Office Space fame is suing a hacker who posted information on Wikipedia suggesting the actor is gay. According to court papers, the hacker is constantly changing the page to say Livingston is dating another man, even though he was just recently married last week to Rosemarie Dewitt. Meanwhile, the hacker who makes gay changes to Tom Cruise's Wikipedia page waits patiently by the phone.

5. In a new Time Magazine study, researchers say 40% of teenagers had had sex before their parents talked with them about sex. "The results didn't surprise me," says study co-author Dr. Mark Schuster, "but there's something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents." Luckily, my parents talked to me about the scientific and medical dangers of sex, and there's no way I'm gonna let a black hole form on my penis and transport me into a realm of unspeakable evil where thousands of tiny demons eat away at my scrotum! Yeah, have fun with that!

High five.

Butt Makeup & Drunk Pills

1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly is set to retyrn to the network after havyng gyven birth to a baby boy. Her first appearynce post-maternyty leave wyll be as a weekly analyst for Byll O'Reilly. No word yet as to the name of Kelly's child, but those close to her say she's decidyng between Ryck, Christophyr, and a third name consisting of just eight silent Ys (Yyyyyyyy).

2. Today on his show, Rush Limbaugh accused politicians on the left of using Health Care reform to get rid of the elderly, equating them to Mao. "What's the first thing Mao se Tung did? What was the cultural revolution? He took out the educated people," said Limbaugh. Hmm, actually the fact that Limbaugh hasn't been taken out may prove his point.

3. After a recent Victoria's Secret fashion show, model Selita Ebanks says that it's "all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone." And straight men everywhere suddenly envy their gay brothers' makeup careers.

4. A new pill developed by Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev can reportedly get you drunk without drinking. Moskalev says his method involves transforming alcohol into powder and that he's tried this with liquors containing up to 95% alcohol. Upon hearing the news, the National Creepy Bar Guy Association today questioned how it would be able to slip a pill into another pill.

5. Rudy Giuliani's consulting firm is being paid to give security advice to the city of Rio in preparation for the 2016 summer Olympics. This isn't the first time Giuliani has gone to another city to fight crime; he was brought in to Mexico City in 2003 to help with their crime problem. Though Rio city officials are hoping to avoid the awkward silence created in Mexico City when Giuliani said he first needed "two really tall skyscrapers."

High fyve.

Iran's Uranium & Tiger's Wood

1. In an open letter on his website today, Tiger Woods apologized to his friends, family and fans for the drama that had transpired following the car accident in his driveway. Woods kept it very secretive, not going into detail but still seemingly admitting to an extramarital affair. In the history of time, it will officially be known as the only moment when the phrases "Tiger Woods" and "Tiger's Wood" were exchanged freely without hesitation.

2. Fellow pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, the man who introduced Tiger Woods' to his current wife, is speaking out about the superstar golfer's recent mishaps. "You should think more before you do stuff," said Parnevik, "and maybe not 'Just do it,' like Nike says." Parnevik then snorted coke off a nun's thigh for the chance at a Nike contract.

3. In a speech Wednesday, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised that despite the world's wishes, the country will go forward to enrich even more uranium. The United States gave the Islamic nation a stern look as it snuck away from the dinner table to get more uranium. "NO! Baaaaaaaad," said the U.S. Iran continued, not responding to America's threatening tone. "Baaaaaaaad." Iran watched the U.S., blank-eyed, but opened the box of uranium regardless. The U.S. then grabbed the spray bottle and shooed the Middle Eastern country away with a hiss.

4. The U.N. chief has named Grammy Award winning recording artist Stevie Wonder a United Nations Messenger of Peace. U.N. authorities say it will be Wonder's job to deliver peaceful messages across the globe. Despite Wonder's impressive music resume, his only previous delivery experience includes putting pizza in a laundry shoot, dispensing ketchup to a shoe, and giving presents wrapped in pancakes.

5. On Wednesday, a congressional hearing was held to discuss the leaked climate change emails, which some Republicans believe proves in some way that the jury is still out on climate change. Rep. James Sensenbrenner, Republican from Wisconsin, went on to list other things he believed the jury was still out on. 1) The hazards of smoking, 2) the Irish as people, and 3) the dangers of womanly brain fever.

High five.

LCDs Down 22% & Jesus Christs Up 100%

1. On Friday, the first ever North Korean-made designer jeans will go on sale in Sweden for about $215. The jeans were designed in honor of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, so they will only be available at Baby Gap.

2. A Birmingham, Alabama woman who had legally changed her name to Jesus Christ was evicted from a jury pool this week after causing a disruption. Court officials said the woman repeatedly asked questions and other jurors laughed aloud when she insisted her name was Jesus Christ. And suddenly, Jesus' idea to reveal himself to the public after first getting a sex change no longer sounds as good as it did in his head.

3. Last week, a Taiwanese man was reportedly robbed of more than $2 million he had just withdrawn from the bank making it the largest robbery in the country's history. Authorities say the man probably drew too much attention to himself. Security cameras show the man sitting at the cash machine for nearly 8 hours.

4. Tiger Woods and his wife were involved in a car crash incident late last week in which Woods hit a fire hydrant then crashed into a tree. Authorities are still unsure the cause of the accident but rumors are circulating that it's the result of a domestic dispute. Today, news anchors chuckled at some adorable, recently uncovered footage of a 6 year old Tiger Woods smacking around his first grade girlfriend.

5. Research firm ISuppli predicts television sales will be up 6% this week compared to last year and reports prices on LCD televisions are down 22% after Black Friday. Of course, that means very little this Christmas season to 15.7 million Americans whose income is down 100%.

High five.

More Money & Less Cancer

1. It's been reported that Vernita Lee, Oprah's mom, has settled a lawsuit with Valentina, a high-end boutique where she racked up more than $150K in unpaid purchases. Lee said in her testimony that she couldn't afford to pay the huge bill, but later was able to dig it out of Oprah's bedroom change jar.

2. Last week, the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, began to accelerate proton beams as part of a preliminary test. The beams traveled around the 17-mile structure 11,000 times a second. Though Hadron Collider scientists agree, it's still not nearly equal to the speed at which girls don't date them.

3. A woman in England suffering from terminal breast cancer reportedly went on an $80,000 shopping spree, only to be told later that she was going to live. Breasts: since the dawn of the Wonder Bra, it's just one let-down after another.

4. According to a study published on Sunday in the journal Nature Materials, nanodiscs made of iron-nickel alloy and only a millionth of a meter in diameter could be used to kill cancer cells. The discs move when subjected to a magnetic field and scientists say they could disrupt cancer cell membranes, causing them to self-destruct. Today a truckload of nanodiscs were dumped on Sean Hannity's lawn.

5. On Friday the U.S. Treasury and Federal Reserve delayed activating an Internet gambling payment ban to help clear up confusion over what constitutes illegal practices. Critics complain that the original bill is unclear, relying on preexisting state and federal laws, even ones as old as the Interstate Horseracing Act of 1978. This of course was followed tragically by the Interstate Glue Act of 1979.

High five.

Facebook Finance & Sinful Contact? No Chance

1. A new study released today shows that in the past year 1 in 7 parents have had a grown up child move back in with them. Experts say that with a struggling economy and a bleak job market, the data is not surprising. See, mom, struggling economy, bleak job market... NOW, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!

2. Today Facebook created a dual-class stock structure aimed at giving stockholders control over the company. The company says they have no plans to go public, but experts say this may be the first step. 19 year old Facebook user Skylar Swenson clicked 'Like,' but then decided she wants to see stronger liquidity and more balanced ratios of Debt to Equity across their Business Units, and quickly 'Unliked.'

3. Google announced Tuesday that it will post over 14,000 photos of Iraqi artifacts as part of an effort to document the Iraqi Museum, ransacked by looters just after the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003. "The history of the beginning of civilization is made right here and is preserved here in this museum," said Google chief Eric Schmidt. Schmidt was then kidnapped by Iraqi militants using Gmail, Google Maps, and Google's Android phone.

4. Harpo Productions, the company which produces Oprah Winfrey's show, says that there are no plans to do "Oprah's Favorite Things," a seasonal episode where Oprah gives her audience members high priced merchandise for free. "Favorite Things" has made headlines in the past for giving away items like big screen TVs, pricey appliances, and even trips. Oprah's audience will just have to settle for Oprah's favorite brand of surgically implanted, mind control technology.

5. A Christian youth rap group is preaching the benefits of what they call the "side-hug" and trying to deter unmarried Christians from engaging in normal "front hugs" which could result in sinful contact. This of course will change to the "air-hug" when young Christian boys realize the "side-hug" just allows for optimum boob copping.

High five.

Hadron Collider & Hard-On Inside Her

1. This week, former governor Mike Huckabee called "knee-jerk" GOP attacks on President Obama shameful and deplorable. Huckabee added that critics should stop "finding everything wrong and nothing right about the man as a man." This is reminiscent of a similar stance Huckabee took during Bill Clinton's presidency, though the phrase then was "knee burns."

2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.

3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."

4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.

5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.

High five.

UCLA & WWJD

1. Members of the University of California Board of Regents today approved a 32% tuition hike amid angry protests by students. Tuition in-state is now estimated to be well over $10,000. Across campus, one UC fraternity sadly emptied the change-filled keg labeled "World's Largest Freestanding Bong Construction Fund."

2. Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning a senate run in 2010 to complete the remaining two years of Hillary Clinton's term, which she failed to complete after becoming Secretary of State. Giuliani's exploratory committee has already come up with a number of campaign slogans, including "*cough* 9/11 *cough*," "Ahh! There's a Terrorist On Your Jacket Sleeve!" and "Bin Laden Has Gained the Power of Invisibility and Only I Have the Power To Detect Him."

3. Oprah Winfrey today announced that she will be ending her long-running talk show in 2011. 2011 will be her 25th season on the air, and impressive feat for someone who, as Winfrey points out, "came from nothing," created a billion dollar empire and amassed a huge following. Winfrey says her final show will end with her legions of fans being ceremoniously untagged and released to roam free in the wild.

4. Baseball writers voted on Thursday to give Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the Cy Young Award for the second straight year. Lincecum made news in October when he was arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop. Reporters question Lincecum about the incident during a conference call. The Giants' pitcher elaborated on what happened, though most reporters didn't stick around for the entire 18 hour conference call (with fridge breaks).

5. In an interview with CBN, Sarah Palin, in the midst of a book tour, calls her critics "lonely people ... shallow people ... we need to pray for these people." Palin then told the interviewer that they needed to "keep things in perspective." Oh, well, from this perspective, it looks like you -- the mother of an unwed teenage mom -- are on a Christian TV station actively judging others in promotion of a money-making venture. Care to put your cigarette out in Jesus' hand holes?

High five.

Classy Guy & Sickly Girl

1. A St. Louis school employee was fired this week after it was learned that he had posted a vulgar one word comment in regards to a St. Louis Post-Dispatch website article. The article asked readers about the craziest thing they had ever eaten, and the school employee responded with a one word expletive referring to female genitalia. Fortunately for the unemployed man he quickly found a new job at Classy Guy Magazine.

2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.

3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.

4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."

5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."

High five.

Palin Provocative & Perry Plugged

1. Warehouse retailer Costco says because of pricing disputes they will stop carrying Coca Cola brand products. Coca Cola did not comment but says negotiations are moving forward. Costco owns 560 stores worldwide, and today white trash teeth everywhere celebrated.

2. Tuesday's column from Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden ruffled some feathers when it claimed Obama lacked a "blood impulse" for what America is about due to having a Kenyan father and his mother being "attracted to men of the Third World." Wesley Pruden went home that night and was horrified to find that his daughter had in fact begun dating a boy with an overbite.

3. It was reported in Politics Daily that Senator Orrin Hatch will introduce amendments to the senate health bill which will restrict funding for abortion practices. Democrats say they don't have protection for that sort of thing on them, but that a quick dip with Hatch in the heavily chlorinated, congressional swimming pool should kill off any chances of "making a big mistake."

4. Sarah Palin is reportedly very upset over a recent Newsweek cover photo where she dons a running outfit and poses provocatively. The photo was originally used for the magazine Runner's World, and Palin calls use of the photo by Newsweek "sexist." Palin's critics however call her a hypocrite and point out that she also authorized the photo to be used for the magazine Sexy Sexist Monthly.

5. Katy Perry released an MTV Unplugged CD/DVD on Tuesday, hoping to continue the success she began with her 2008 album One of the Boys. "It was the last real look I wanted to give on the record and show off some of the songs at their most simple," said Perry. Hmm, Katy Perry releases song about kissing a girl... dates English "man" Russell Brand... participates in concert called "unplugged"... Perry showing no interest in me is finally beginning to make sense.

High five.

Birth Control & Remote Control

1. The USDA released a report today saying that almost 46 million Americans, about 1 in 7 households are struggling to put enough food on the table. Obama called the trend "unsettling," but said Congress had a plan to fight hunger woven into the health care bill. However, reporters didn't seem to notice anything different about congress members as they entered work today, except of course for the complimentary copies of Soylent Green being handed out.

2. A new government task force is changing the common advice on mammograms, saying women shouldn't bother with mammograms until they're at least 50, rather than 40's as previously thought. The group led by doctors and scientists found that checking too early led to false alarms and needless biopsies. Despite the news, the guy in the airbrushed van outside my apartment insists he will continue to provide mammograms for women of all ages free of charge.

3. Heidi Pratt is reportedly ready to strike back at husband Spencer Pratt after he threatened to get a vasectomy behind her back. Spencer has made it clear that he doesn't want children but Heidi says she may stop using her birth control to get what she wants. Oh my god, I agree with Spencer Pratt: you guys breeding is really not in the best interest of anyone.

4. Lou Dobbs told Bill O'Reilly on Monday that he planned to stay in the "public arena," after leaving CNN. Onlookers say the two TV men got along very well before and after the interview. This added to the speculation that Dobbs may come over to Fox News, a notion strengthened even further that night when Dobbs and O'Reilly went out for a beer and then beat up some illegals.

5. Ken Ober, the host of MTV's Remote Control game show from the 80's, died over the weekend at the age of 52. Authorities arrived at Ober's house on Saturday and found him lying in between the couch cushions. Ober was declared dead shortly after different pairs of batteries were administered yet unsuccessful.

High five.

Coming Prejean & Going Rogue

1. In her new book Going Rogue, Sarah Palin goes into great detail about McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt and their tumultuous relationship. Palin includes the vetting process where she was asked to reveal any skeletons in her closet, the worst she says being a D she received in a college course. And all this time I figured the worst skeletons in her closet were... the many skeletons of animals in her closet.

2. The site Radar Online has reportedly uncovered 8 more Carrie Prejean sex tapes and dozens of topless photos. Prejean today released a statement regarding the revelations saying, "Those were private moments and I don't have to answer for my own private moments." Unfortunately, Prejean released the statement topless.

3. On Wednesday, a Texas man drove his one million dollar French-built Bugatti Veyron car into a marsh after police say he was distracted by a bird. When asked why he would be distracted by a bird, the man replied, "Actually it was two. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of boobies."

4. The Obama administration says it may buy a near empty prison in Illinois, about 150 miles west of Chicago, to house inmates from Guantanamo Bay. Critics believe these dangerous terrorists shouldn't be housed anywhere within the US, but President Obama assures critics these inmates will appear less criminal in such close proximity to the city of Chicago.

5. NASA announced this week that after extensive analysis of data from the LCROSS mission they have uncovered water on the moon in the form of ice. The project involved crashing a satellite into a moon crater in the hopes of getting deep enough to find ice. "The argument that the moon is a dry, desolate place no longer... holds water," said one NASA scientist, smiling wryly. Fellow scientists then crushed his skull with a moon rock.

High five.

Prejean Post Boobs & RNC Knocked Up

1. On Thursday, federal prosecutors aimed to seize four mosques and a New York Fifth Avenue building that is suspected of being "secretly controlled" by the Iranian government. Authorities have long suspected that Iran held the reigns to the Alavi Foundation, the organization in control of the aforementioned properties. The smoking gun though, say prosecutors, is the jellybean dish full of complimentary "stoning rocks" found in all Alavi buildings.

2. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said in an interview with Christianity Today that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with a Christian girl getting breast implants. "I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants," said Prejean. Well you miss a lot of things when your view is obstructed by enormous breasts.

3. BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site founded in Denmark in 2002 where only the most beautiful people are allowed to join, finally went live around the world last month. So far, Germans are considered the "ugliest" with only 15% of men and 13% of women being accepted to the site. "It's difficult to determine the ugliest nationality," say the site creators. "But you can't argue with the very exact science of Internet popularity."

4. It was revealed today that the Republican National Committee health insurance plan covers elective abortions, a procedure which the party's own platform refers to as "a fundamental assault on innocent human life." I haven't seen this much hypocrisy since Lou Dobbs ran that pinata factory.

5. A boy from Arkansas has gained national attention after refusing to stand for the pledge and telling his teacher to go jump off a bridge. "I really don't feel that there's currently liberty and justice for all," said 10 year old Will Phillips. Phillips says he feels that gays specifically aren't being given equal rights in this country, at least that's what it sounded like with his head dunked in toilet water.

High five.

Oprah Guest Vanity & Apologetic Hannity

1. On Wednesday, CNN host Lou Dobbs announced on his show that he would be quitting his job at the network. Dobbs said he's looking forward to standing up for causes and doing more advocacy journalism. Dobbs' body then slumped forward, whirred silent, and the four Mexicans operating his hollow steel body were at long last liberated.

2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.

3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"

4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"

5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.

High five.

Major Interview Scheduled & Gamer Schedules Cleared

1. Earlier this week, the Daily Show revealed that Sean Hannity, when covering anti-health care protests in Washington, actually used protest footage from a previous protest, with a much larger crowd. Hannity never mentioned the use of the footage, though clearly, as pointed out by Jon Stewart, the footage was identical. More frightening is the revelation that Hannity's look of smug, self-satisfaction has been reused again and again since his show's inception.

2. In a new interview, Black Eyed Peas member Fergie says that she is bisexual and that her husband is "well endowed." Fergie tells The Advocate she has "had a lot of fun with women," but that cheating with a woman would be the same as cheating with a man. In other news, a recent study shows that most modern couples see sleeping with Fergie as neither cheating with a woman or a man.

3. It's being reported that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Major Garrett, after weeks of speculation that the administration had been previously avoiding the network. The President insists no action has been taken to treat Fox News any differently than other news outlets. So tune in next week when Major Garrett interviews President Obama in the White House wind tunnel.

4. Microsoft announced this week it will be banning up to one million Xbox Live players for modifying their game systems or pirating games, a direct violation of the Xbox Live terms of service. Experts say this may actually increase commerce since gamers will look elsewhere for entertainment. Women in bars are advised to be mindful of a "chalky skin color" and a "faint burrito smell."

5. On Tuesday, the American Medical Association asked the federal government to alter its strict view that marijuana is dangerous and admit that it in fact may have medicinal purposes. Analysts say the endorsement could be a catalyst for spearheading further research into the drug's alternative uses. The AMA could not be reached for comment for the 78th straight day, but music of The Who could be heard through the basement windows of AMA offices.

High five.

Moore Puma & Less Aerosmith

1. Westboro Baptist Church, a group known for their hate website and dislike for homosexuals, recently protested in front of the school attended by President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia, calling the girls "satanic spawns" and their father a "murderous bastard." Upon hearing the reports, George W. Bush leaned back in the rocking chair looking over his Crawford, TX ranch and became sadly nostalgic.

2. In the latest issue of W Magazine, Demi Moore discusses what it's like to be a 47 year old women in Hollywood, and also what it's like to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Moore says she doesn't at all mind being called Mrs. Kutcher, but would rather be labeled a puma than a cougar. In other news, Ashton Kutcher was brutally mauled by a puma today.

3. During a Wisconsin speaking engagement Friday, Sarah Palin referenced a change in U.S. coinage, where "In God We Trust" on new coins was to be moved from the face to the edge. The legislation was actually reversed in 2007, but Palin criticized the move asking, "Who calls a shot like that? It's a disturbing trend." Palin was then hit in the face with the edge of a nickel hurled from the audience, leaving no motto imprint.

4. News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch said today that he could in the future block Google searches from picking up his organization's news stories, as a way of forcing users to pay for content. Experts guess Google will likely survive such a move, but say that doesn't make it feel any better to get 'Doch-blocked.

5. According to recent reports and bandmate Joe Perry, Steven Tyler has quit the band Aerosmith. Tyler, 61, broke his shoulder after falling off a stage in South Dakota but has in past months dismissed reports that the band is splitting. The news obviously comes as a bit of a surprise to most Aerosmith fans, who thought Tyler was long dead.

High five.

Cao's Conscience & Goldman's God

1. An Iranian student shocked the country this week when during a Q+A session at Tehran's Sharif Technical University he criticized Ayatollah Ali Khamenei face-to-face. Insulting the supreme leader is unheard of in Iranian culture and can result in severe punishment. Many opponents of the Ayatollah have shown great support for the young man and plan to throw a parade for his beaten, bloodied corpse.

2. Chris Brown recently talked to MTV's Sway and addressed the comments made by Rihanna concerning their abusive relationship. "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," said Brown. Brown then beat Sway to death with his microphone.

3. In an interview with the London Times, Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein says that by helping companies raise capital, they're creating jobs and in turn helping everyday people. We're doing "God's work," says Blankfein. He then added, "Now, go to Hell."

4. As the only Republican to vote for the health care bill that passed in the House on Friday, Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana told the press that it was a "decision of conscience." When a Republican adviser whispered into Cao's ear the actual definition of "conscience," Cao quickly retracted his statement and sprinted away.

5. On Tuesday the San Jose city council will look at a measure which would ban Styrofoam during city events of more than 1,000 people. Passing the measure would make San Jose the largest city to enact such a law. While most citizens are in favor of the legislation, that guy who had San Jose Shark foam fingers surgically grafted to his hands is actively in opposition.

High five.

Lawsuits & Tracksuits

1. On Thursday, thousands of Tea Party protesters arrived at the Capitol to fight health care legislation. Protesters held signs that read, "Keep your hands off my health care" and showed pictures of the Holocaust. Some tried to rush the congressional offices but were either stopped by police or collapsed from being in such poor health.

2. The band No Doubt is suing the makers of Band Hero because of a feature that allows a singer from one band to sing other artist's songs. Lead singer Gwen Stefani doesn't like that she can be made to sing the "suggestive" Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Woman." Game publisher Activision says that No Doubt knew the features and signed off on them. "Besides," said an Activision spokesperson, "on balance, if guys get riled up by Stefani singing 'Honky Tonk Woman,' their boners will shrink from Mick Jagger's 'Just A Girl.'"

3. Today RNC Chairman Michael Steele warned Republicans that attacking each other is pointless and won't help their ultimate cause. Despite losing a House seat in New York, Steele is generally positive. "I was brought into it after the fact," said Steele, "when a nominee who did not fit that district was chosen for purely political reasons." Steele then returned to the RNC offices where he stared motionless at a wall and continued to be Black.

4. Last night the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6 to win their 27th World Series. The Phillies, last year's champions, batted only .227 in all six games. Fox reports this as one of the highest rated series in years, and in order to maintain viewership in that time slot they've announced their newest show "Billionaires Play Chess For Master Of The Universe."

5. An executive with Best Buy says that he was denied access to first class by United Airlines because he was wearing a track suit. Armando Alverez said he used his miles to upgrade to first class but when he reached the gate was told he was dressed too casually. It sounds bad but in United's defense, they do have a strict rule forbidding even indirect references to other modes of mobility.

High five.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/05/quick-reversal-steele-we_n_347647.html&cp

Chris Brown & Green Day

1. Jive Records announced today that Chris Brown's new album Graffiti will be released one week earlier than planned, December 8th rather than December 15th. No word on exactly what prompted the release date to be changed, but insiders say Brown was "eager to get it out there," and Jive's CEO did come out of a meeting with a knife in his eye.

2. In Florida, a prison guard assaulted by an inmate was rescued when two other inmates pulled his attacker off him, with one even radioing other guards. That is going to be an awkward Christmas card: "Thanks for saving my life... sorry about all the shower rape I looked the other way on."

3. It's been announced that Green Day will perform during NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly. "I'm beyond excited," says Daly. NBC is also looking to make it into the record book that night by setting the record for most times an audience thought or wished that a celebrity was already dead.

4. It's been reported that over $71 million dollars was spent for lobbying by companies who were recently bailed out by taxpayers. And experts say most of these companies are actually lobbying for more bailout money. However, analysts all agree, taxpayers will be particularly angry when they discover these companies are lobbying for discounts on "solid gold bailout money containers."

5. President Obama recently held a White House Tribal Nations Conference promising a new effort in America's relationship to the Native Americans. "You will not be forgotten as long as I'm in this White House," said Obama, signing a memorandum to improve tribes participation in government policy. A Native American man then teared up as the President walked away without the returning the pen he took from him.

High five.

Stabbing Yourself, Reporting Yourself & Rihanna Herself

1. A Colorado man reportedly stabbed himself in the leg this past week because he didn't want to work his job at Blockbuster. Aaron Seibers, 29, made up a story about being attacked by a group of skinheads, but surveillance footage checked by investigators showed no such attack and Seibers then confessed to stabbing himself. Oh, skinheads... hated even in the world of make-believe.

2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.

3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.

4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.

5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."

High five.

Cheney Is A Dick & Clinton Statue Erection

1. On Sunday in Kosovo, former President Clinton attended the unveiling of a new statue of himself in a boulevard that also bears his name. Despite Clinton's wishes, officials did not allow the sculptor to add multiple women surrounding the 42nd president. They did however honor his request that the boulevard be only one way, "because I don't go both ways," said Clinton.

2. On Monday, police brought charges against a man accused of stalking American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and may face up to four years in prison. The charges normally call for a longer sentence, but the judge felt by stalking Ryan Seacrest the man clearly had reached rock bottom.

3. In a recent interview country Hall of Famer George Jones criticized modern country music for using the "country music" label. "They need to ... find their own title because it's definitely not traditional country music," said Jones. Jones has just released a CD collection of his most requested country songs through Crack Barrel Old Country Store, recently voted as having the best bathrooms for sneaking off and feeling up your hot cousin.

4. During questioning with the FBI, Dick Cheney reportedly couldn't recall or even refused to answer 72 times in regards to the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Still, CIA officials point out that his refusal to answer was preferable to the 187 other instances when he calmly muttered to everyone in the room, "Go fuck yourselves."

5. On Sunday, Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama calling him "immature, inexperienced, and in over his head." Limbaugh then pulled a sweaty and completely submerged Obama from the marshmallow-like substance that is his belly fat.

High five.

Cubs Season & Dobbs Season

1. Today the White House credited the latest stimulus for saving and creating over 600,000 jobs. Administration officials say this keeps America on track for reaching the President's goal of 3.5 million jobs by the end of next year. However, critics point out that the 99% of the jobs created were professional teabaggers.

2. On Friday President Obama said the U.S. will eliminate a decades-old ban which denies people entry into the country if they have HIV. "If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," said Obama. "Didn't you see the previews for that movie? The world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, so who gives a shit?"

3. The Ricketts family, the new owners of the Chicago Cubs, said Friday at a Wrigley Field news conference that they don't believe in the curse. "I'll be honest. I think we have a team that can do it next year," said Tom Ricketts. Ricketts added, "And the Palestinians and Israelis? They'll start gettin' along real soon. And all these Mexican gangs we keep hearin' about? They'll see the error of their ways before you know it."

4. Records were dug up today to show that Joe Lieberman actively legislated for the elimination of the filibuster, the congressional move which he now plans to utilize in opposition of the senate health care bill. Lieberman could not be reached for comment but did give a thumbs to reporters as he helped unload his monthly truck full of Summer's Eve.

5. This week Lou Dobbs said on his radio show that he and his wife were shot at while inside their home. But today, local police could not confirm if Dobbs was the intended target since hunting season brings an increase in shooting complaints and gunfire activity. The heavily Hispanic New Jersey law enforcement does however say they will take down all their "Dobbs Now In Season" signs.

High five.

Helen Keller & Demon Candy

1. The November issue of National Geographic features a startling cover photo in which a large group of chimps watch one of their own on her way to being buried. The photo of the grieving chimps raises a lot of questions about how similar chimps are to humans. "People shouldn't read too much into it though," said one insider. "They only look sad because that deceased chimp owed them a lot of bananas."

2. Some Iowa conservative groups are irritated by a large $100,000 speaking fee Sarah Palin is reportedly charging for an appearance with the group Iowa Family Policy Center. President of the IFPC Chuck Hurley declined to answer any questions, then body-checked a passing elderly women and stole her purse.

3. Deaf/blind advocacy groups are up in arms over the casting of Abigail Breslin as a young Helen Keller in the Broadway revival of The Miracle Worker, saying that the role instead should have gone to a blind or deaf actress. The story leaves analysts wondering, how did they even find out about this?

4. Chaz Bono, son of Cher, is in the process of a sex change, and recently spoke out about his sexual reassignment surgery. "My outsides are finally matching my insides," he said. At which point onlookers screamed in horror at the inside-out man creature.

5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is warning people against celebrating Halloween, as its candy has been "dedicated and prayed over by witches." Candy experts say CBN is just upset because of a recent study, which showed 98% of children, when given the choice, take the evil houses' demon candy over CBN's candy corn, circus peanuts, and windmill cookies.

High five.

Holy Golden Shower & Cheney Cupcake Power

1. The Catholic League is reportedly very angry about a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David accidentally urinates on a painting of Jesus. Catholic League president Bill Donahue released a statement saying, "David's best years are behind him. He ought to quit while he's ahead." Weeks from now, after David apologizes, Donahue will run into David in a men's bathroom while David is inexplicably carrying a religious magazine out of a stall. Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music.

2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.

3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.

4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."

5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.

High five.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/28/morning-after-tirade-imor_n_336790.html

Fat Crazy Kids & Fat Crazy GOP

1. An artist named Stephen Wiltshire was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. While in school, it was discovered that Wiltshire had the uncanny ability to redraw complex landscapes and buildings he saw from memory. Right now, Wiltshire is drawing the New York cityscape after a brief helicopter ride. What can't Stephen draw from memory? A girlfriend.

2. According to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, antipsychotic drugs cause weight gain in children. Many doctors have been critical of prescribing powerful antipsychotics to anyone under 18 years old and say the added weight gain increases the risk of diabetes. Still, some analysts agree that the weight gain only makes it easier to spot and avoid children who are fucking insane.

3. This week the Walt Disney Company announced it would provide refunds to parents who purchased their Baby Einstein video series but did not see an improvement in their child's intelligence. Media watchdog groups have questioned the educational merit of Baby Einstein videos for years. Disney admits no wrongdoing and says that, while it will refund parents' money, they can do nothing about their retard babies.

4. In a column on Tuesday, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said that the GOP's future "center of gravity" will be comprised of media personalities like Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh. There's a fat joke to be made here, but I'm going to take the high road and simply suggest that these three men lose the extra weight by getting off the antipsychotics. (See #2.)

5. On Tuesday, a 43 year old woman was arrested for attempting to exchange sex for Phillies' World Series tickets on Craigslist. Police found the ad, set up a sting operation, and after about 5 minutes per officer, arrested the woman on charges of prostitution.

High five.