Helen Keller & Demon Candy

1. The November issue of National Geographic features a startling cover photo in which a large group of chimps watch one of their own on her way to being buried. The photo of the grieving chimps raises a lot of questions about how similar chimps are to humans. "People shouldn't read too much into it though," said one insider. "They only look sad because that deceased chimp owed them a lot of bananas."

2. Some Iowa conservative groups are irritated by a large $100,000 speaking fee Sarah Palin is reportedly charging for an appearance with the group Iowa Family Policy Center. President of the IFPC Chuck Hurley declined to answer any questions, then body-checked a passing elderly women and stole her purse.

3. Deaf/blind advocacy groups are up in arms over the casting of Abigail Breslin as a young Helen Keller in the Broadway revival of The Miracle Worker, saying that the role instead should have gone to a blind or deaf actress. The story leaves analysts wondering, how did they even find out about this?

4. Chaz Bono, son of Cher, is in the process of a sex change, and recently spoke out about his sexual reassignment surgery. "My outsides are finally matching my insides," he said. At which point onlookers screamed in horror at the inside-out man creature.

5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is warning people against celebrating Halloween, as its candy has been "dedicated and prayed over by witches." Candy experts say CBN is just upset because of a recent study, which showed 98% of children, when given the choice, take the evil houses' demon candy over CBN's candy corn, circus peanuts, and windmill cookies.

High five.