1. It's been reported that Vernita Lee, Oprah's mom, has settled a lawsuit with Valentina, a high-end boutique where she racked up more than $150K in unpaid purchases. Lee said in her testimony that she couldn't afford to pay the huge bill, but later was able to dig it out of Oprah's bedroom change jar.
2. Last week, the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, began to accelerate proton beams as part of a preliminary test. The beams traveled around the 17-mile structure 11,000 times a second. Though Hadron Collider scientists agree, it's still not nearly equal to the speed at which girls don't date them.
3. A woman in England suffering from terminal breast cancer reportedly went on an $80,000 shopping spree, only to be told later that she was going to live. Breasts: since the dawn of the Wonder Bra, it's just one let-down after another.
4. According to a study published on Sunday in the journal Nature Materials, nanodiscs made of iron-nickel alloy and only a millionth of a meter in diameter could be used to kill cancer cells. The discs move when subjected to a magnetic field and scientists say they could disrupt cancer cell membranes, causing them to self-destruct. Today a truckload of nanodiscs were dumped on Sean Hannity's lawn.
5. On Friday the U.S. Treasury and Federal Reserve delayed activating an Internet gambling payment ban to help clear up confusion over what constitutes illegal practices. Critics complain that the original bill is unclear, relying on preexisting state and federal laws, even ones as old as the Interstate Horseracing Act of 1978. This of course was followed tragically by the Interstate Glue Act of 1979.
High five.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Facebook Finance & Sinful Contact? No Chance
1. A new study released today shows that in the past year 1 in 7 parents have had a grown up child move back in with them. Experts say that with a struggling economy and a bleak job market, the data is not surprising. See, mom, struggling economy, bleak job market... NOW, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!
2. Today Facebook created a dual-class stock structure aimed at giving stockholders control over the company. The company says they have no plans to go public, but experts say this may be the first step. 19 year old Facebook user Skylar Swenson clicked 'Like,' but then decided she wants to see stronger liquidity and more balanced ratios of Debt to Equity across their Business Units, and quickly 'Unliked.'
3. Google announced Tuesday that it will post over 14,000 photos of Iraqi artifacts as part of an effort to document the Iraqi Museum, ransacked by looters just after the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003. "The history of the beginning of civilization is made right here and is preserved here in this museum," said Google chief Eric Schmidt. Schmidt was then kidnapped by Iraqi militants using Gmail, Google Maps, and Google's Android phone.
4. Harpo Productions, the company which produces Oprah Winfrey's show, says that there are no plans to do "Oprah's Favorite Things," a seasonal episode where Oprah gives her audience members high priced merchandise for free. "Favorite Things" has made headlines in the past for giving away items like big screen TVs, pricey appliances, and even trips. Oprah's audience will just have to settle for Oprah's favorite brand of surgically implanted, mind control technology.
5. A Christian youth rap group is preaching the benefits of what they call the "side-hug" and trying to deter unmarried Christians from engaging in normal "front hugs" which could result in sinful contact. This of course will change to the "air-hug" when young Christian boys realize the "side-hug" just allows for optimum boob copping.
High five.
2. Today Facebook created a dual-class stock structure aimed at giving stockholders control over the company. The company says they have no plans to go public, but experts say this may be the first step. 19 year old Facebook user Skylar Swenson clicked 'Like,' but then decided she wants to see stronger liquidity and more balanced ratios of Debt to Equity across their Business Units, and quickly 'Unliked.'
3. Google announced Tuesday that it will post over 14,000 photos of Iraqi artifacts as part of an effort to document the Iraqi Museum, ransacked by looters just after the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003. "The history of the beginning of civilization is made right here and is preserved here in this museum," said Google chief Eric Schmidt. Schmidt was then kidnapped by Iraqi militants using Gmail, Google Maps, and Google's Android phone.
4. Harpo Productions, the company which produces Oprah Winfrey's show, says that there are no plans to do "Oprah's Favorite Things," a seasonal episode where Oprah gives her audience members high priced merchandise for free. "Favorite Things" has made headlines in the past for giving away items like big screen TVs, pricey appliances, and even trips. Oprah's audience will just have to settle for Oprah's favorite brand of surgically implanted, mind control technology.
5. A Christian youth rap group is preaching the benefits of what they call the "side-hug" and trying to deter unmarried Christians from engaging in normal "front hugs" which could result in sinful contact. This of course will change to the "air-hug" when young Christian boys realize the "side-hug" just allows for optimum boob copping.
High five.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Hadron Collider & Hard-On Inside Her
1. This week, former governor Mike Huckabee called "knee-jerk" GOP attacks on President Obama shameful and deplorable. Huckabee added that critics should stop "finding everything wrong and nothing right about the man as a man." This is reminiscent of a similar stance Huckabee took during Bill Clinton's presidency, though the phrase then was "knee burns."
2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.
3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."
4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.
5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.
High five.
2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.
3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."
4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.
5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.
High five.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
UCLA & WWJD
1. Members of the University of California Board of Regents today approved a 32% tuition hike amid angry protests by students. Tuition in-state is now estimated to be well over $10,000. Across campus, one UC fraternity sadly emptied the change-filled keg labeled "World's Largest Freestanding Bong Construction Fund."
2. Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning a senate run in 2010 to complete the remaining two years of Hillary Clinton's term, which she failed to complete after becoming Secretary of State. Giuliani's exploratory committee has already come up with a number of campaign slogans, including "*cough* 9/11 *cough*," "Ahh! There's a Terrorist On Your Jacket Sleeve!" and "Bin Laden Has Gained the Power of Invisibility and Only I Have the Power To Detect Him."
3. Oprah Winfrey today announced that she will be ending her long-running talk show in 2011. 2011 will be her 25th season on the air, and impressive feat for someone who, as Winfrey points out, "came from nothing," created a billion dollar empire and amassed a huge following. Winfrey says her final show will end with her legions of fans being ceremoniously untagged and released to roam free in the wild.
4. Baseball writers voted on Thursday to give Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the Cy Young Award for the second straight year. Lincecum made news in October when he was arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop. Reporters question Lincecum about the incident during a conference call. The Giants' pitcher elaborated on what happened, though most reporters didn't stick around for the entire 18 hour conference call (with fridge breaks).
5. In an interview with CBN, Sarah Palin, in the midst of a book tour, calls her critics "lonely people ... shallow people ... we need to pray for these people." Palin then told the interviewer that they needed to "keep things in perspective." Oh, well, from this perspective, it looks like you -- the mother of an unwed teenage mom -- are on a Christian TV station actively judging others in promotion of a money-making venture. Care to put your cigarette out in Jesus' hand holes?
High five.
2. Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning a senate run in 2010 to complete the remaining two years of Hillary Clinton's term, which she failed to complete after becoming Secretary of State. Giuliani's exploratory committee has already come up with a number of campaign slogans, including "*cough* 9/11 *cough*," "Ahh! There's a Terrorist On Your Jacket Sleeve!" and "Bin Laden Has Gained the Power of Invisibility and Only I Have the Power To Detect Him."
3. Oprah Winfrey today announced that she will be ending her long-running talk show in 2011. 2011 will be her 25th season on the air, and impressive feat for someone who, as Winfrey points out, "came from nothing," created a billion dollar empire and amassed a huge following. Winfrey says her final show will end with her legions of fans being ceremoniously untagged and released to roam free in the wild.
4. Baseball writers voted on Thursday to give Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the Cy Young Award for the second straight year. Lincecum made news in October when he was arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop. Reporters question Lincecum about the incident during a conference call. The Giants' pitcher elaborated on what happened, though most reporters didn't stick around for the entire 18 hour conference call (with fridge breaks).
5. In an interview with CBN, Sarah Palin, in the midst of a book tour, calls her critics "lonely people ... shallow people ... we need to pray for these people." Palin then told the interviewer that they needed to "keep things in perspective." Oh, well, from this perspective, it looks like you -- the mother of an unwed teenage mom -- are on a Christian TV station actively judging others in promotion of a money-making venture. Care to put your cigarette out in Jesus' hand holes?
High five.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Classy Guy & Sickly Girl
1. A St. Louis school employee was fired this week after it was learned that he had posted a vulgar one word comment in regards to a St. Louis Post-Dispatch website article. The article asked readers about the craziest thing they had ever eaten, and the school employee responded with a one word expletive referring to female genitalia. Fortunately for the unemployed man he quickly found a new job at Classy Guy Magazine.
2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.
3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.
4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."
5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."
High five.
2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.
3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.
4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."
5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."
High five.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Palin Provocative & Perry Plugged
1. Warehouse retailer Costco says because of pricing disputes they will stop carrying Coca Cola brand products. Coca Cola did not comment but says negotiations are moving forward. Costco owns 560 stores worldwide, and today white trash teeth everywhere celebrated.
2. Tuesday's column from Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden ruffled some feathers when it claimed Obama lacked a "blood impulse" for what America is about due to having a Kenyan father and his mother being "attracted to men of the Third World." Wesley Pruden went home that night and was horrified to find that his daughter had in fact begun dating a boy with an overbite.
3. It was reported in Politics Daily that Senator Orrin Hatch will introduce amendments to the senate health bill which will restrict funding for abortion practices. Democrats say they don't have protection for that sort of thing on them, but that a quick dip with Hatch in the heavily chlorinated, congressional swimming pool should kill off any chances of "making a big mistake."
4. Sarah Palin is reportedly very upset over a recent Newsweek cover photo where she dons a running outfit and poses provocatively. The photo was originally used for the magazine Runner's World, and Palin calls use of the photo by Newsweek "sexist." Palin's critics however call her a hypocrite and point out that she also authorized the photo to be used for the magazine Sexy Sexist Monthly.
5. Katy Perry released an MTV Unplugged CD/DVD on Tuesday, hoping to continue the success she began with her 2008 album One of the Boys. "It was the last real look I wanted to give on the record and show off some of the songs at their most simple," said Perry. Hmm, Katy Perry releases song about kissing a girl... dates English "man" Russell Brand... participates in concert called "unplugged"... Perry showing no interest in me is finally beginning to make sense.
High five.
2. Tuesday's column from Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden ruffled some feathers when it claimed Obama lacked a "blood impulse" for what America is about due to having a Kenyan father and his mother being "attracted to men of the Third World." Wesley Pruden went home that night and was horrified to find that his daughter had in fact begun dating a boy with an overbite.
3. It was reported in Politics Daily that Senator Orrin Hatch will introduce amendments to the senate health bill which will restrict funding for abortion practices. Democrats say they don't have protection for that sort of thing on them, but that a quick dip with Hatch in the heavily chlorinated, congressional swimming pool should kill off any chances of "making a big mistake."
4. Sarah Palin is reportedly very upset over a recent Newsweek cover photo where she dons a running outfit and poses provocatively. The photo was originally used for the magazine Runner's World, and Palin calls use of the photo by Newsweek "sexist." Palin's critics however call her a hypocrite and point out that she also authorized the photo to be used for the magazine Sexy Sexist Monthly.
5. Katy Perry released an MTV Unplugged CD/DVD on Tuesday, hoping to continue the success she began with her 2008 album One of the Boys. "It was the last real look I wanted to give on the record and show off some of the songs at their most simple," said Perry. Hmm, Katy Perry releases song about kissing a girl... dates English "man" Russell Brand... participates in concert called "unplugged"... Perry showing no interest in me is finally beginning to make sense.
High five.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Birth Control & Remote Control
1. The USDA released a report today saying that almost 46 million Americans, about 1 in 7 households are struggling to put enough food on the table. Obama called the trend "unsettling," but said Congress had a plan to fight hunger woven into the health care bill. However, reporters didn't seem to notice anything different about congress members as they entered work today, except of course for the complimentary copies of Soylent Green being handed out.
2. A new government task force is changing the common advice on mammograms, saying women shouldn't bother with mammograms until they're at least 50, rather than 40's as previously thought. The group led by doctors and scientists found that checking too early led to false alarms and needless biopsies. Despite the news, the guy in the airbrushed van outside my apartment insists he will continue to provide mammograms for women of all ages free of charge.
3. Heidi Pratt is reportedly ready to strike back at husband Spencer Pratt after he threatened to get a vasectomy behind her back. Spencer has made it clear that he doesn't want children but Heidi says she may stop using her birth control to get what she wants. Oh my god, I agree with Spencer Pratt: you guys breeding is really not in the best interest of anyone.
4. Lou Dobbs told Bill O'Reilly on Monday that he planned to stay in the "public arena," after leaving CNN. Onlookers say the two TV men got along very well before and after the interview. This added to the speculation that Dobbs may come over to Fox News, a notion strengthened even further that night when Dobbs and O'Reilly went out for a beer and then beat up some illegals.
5. Ken Ober, the host of MTV's Remote Control game show from the 80's, died over the weekend at the age of 52. Authorities arrived at Ober's house on Saturday and found him lying in between the couch cushions. Ober was declared dead shortly after different pairs of batteries were administered yet unsuccessful.
High five.
2. A new government task force is changing the common advice on mammograms, saying women shouldn't bother with mammograms until they're at least 50, rather than 40's as previously thought. The group led by doctors and scientists found that checking too early led to false alarms and needless biopsies. Despite the news, the guy in the airbrushed van outside my apartment insists he will continue to provide mammograms for women of all ages free of charge.
3. Heidi Pratt is reportedly ready to strike back at husband Spencer Pratt after he threatened to get a vasectomy behind her back. Spencer has made it clear that he doesn't want children but Heidi says she may stop using her birth control to get what she wants. Oh my god, I agree with Spencer Pratt: you guys breeding is really not in the best interest of anyone.
4. Lou Dobbs told Bill O'Reilly on Monday that he planned to stay in the "public arena," after leaving CNN. Onlookers say the two TV men got along very well before and after the interview. This added to the speculation that Dobbs may come over to Fox News, a notion strengthened even further that night when Dobbs and O'Reilly went out for a beer and then beat up some illegals.
5. Ken Ober, the host of MTV's Remote Control game show from the 80's, died over the weekend at the age of 52. Authorities arrived at Ober's house on Saturday and found him lying in between the couch cushions. Ober was declared dead shortly after different pairs of batteries were administered yet unsuccessful.
High five.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Coming Prejean & Going Rogue
1. In her new book Going Rogue, Sarah Palin goes into great detail about McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt and their tumultuous relationship. Palin includes the vetting process where she was asked to reveal any skeletons in her closet, the worst she says being a D she received in a college course. And all this time I figured the worst skeletons in her closet were... the many skeletons of animals in her closet.
2. The site Radar Online has reportedly uncovered 8 more Carrie Prejean sex tapes and dozens of topless photos. Prejean today released a statement regarding the revelations saying, "Those were private moments and I don't have to answer for my own private moments." Unfortunately, Prejean released the statement topless.
3. On Wednesday, a Texas man drove his one million dollar French-built Bugatti Veyron car into a marsh after police say he was distracted by a bird. When asked why he would be distracted by a bird, the man replied, "Actually it was two. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of boobies."
4. The Obama administration says it may buy a near empty prison in Illinois, about 150 miles west of Chicago, to house inmates from Guantanamo Bay. Critics believe these dangerous terrorists shouldn't be housed anywhere within the US, but President Obama assures critics these inmates will appear less criminal in such close proximity to the city of Chicago.
5. NASA announced this week that after extensive analysis of data from the LCROSS mission they have uncovered water on the moon in the form of ice. The project involved crashing a satellite into a moon crater in the hopes of getting deep enough to find ice. "The argument that the moon is a dry, desolate place no longer... holds water," said one NASA scientist, smiling wryly. Fellow scientists then crushed his skull with a moon rock.
High five.
2. The site Radar Online has reportedly uncovered 8 more Carrie Prejean sex tapes and dozens of topless photos. Prejean today released a statement regarding the revelations saying, "Those were private moments and I don't have to answer for my own private moments." Unfortunately, Prejean released the statement topless.
3. On Wednesday, a Texas man drove his one million dollar French-built Bugatti Veyron car into a marsh after police say he was distracted by a bird. When asked why he would be distracted by a bird, the man replied, "Actually it was two. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of boobies."
4. The Obama administration says it may buy a near empty prison in Illinois, about 150 miles west of Chicago, to house inmates from Guantanamo Bay. Critics believe these dangerous terrorists shouldn't be housed anywhere within the US, but President Obama assures critics these inmates will appear less criminal in such close proximity to the city of Chicago.
5. NASA announced this week that after extensive analysis of data from the LCROSS mission they have uncovered water on the moon in the form of ice. The project involved crashing a satellite into a moon crater in the hopes of getting deep enough to find ice. "The argument that the moon is a dry, desolate place no longer... holds water," said one NASA scientist, smiling wryly. Fellow scientists then crushed his skull with a moon rock.
High five.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Prejean Post Boobs & RNC Knocked Up
1. On Thursday, federal prosecutors aimed to seize four mosques and a New York Fifth Avenue building that is suspected of being "secretly controlled" by the Iranian government. Authorities have long suspected that Iran held the reigns to the Alavi Foundation, the organization in control of the aforementioned properties. The smoking gun though, say prosecutors, is the jellybean dish full of complimentary "stoning rocks" found in all Alavi buildings.
2. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said in an interview with Christianity Today that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with a Christian girl getting breast implants. "I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants," said Prejean. Well you miss a lot of things when your view is obstructed by enormous breasts.
3. BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site founded in Denmark in 2002 where only the most beautiful people are allowed to join, finally went live around the world last month. So far, Germans are considered the "ugliest" with only 15% of men and 13% of women being accepted to the site. "It's difficult to determine the ugliest nationality," say the site creators. "But you can't argue with the very exact science of Internet popularity."
4. It was revealed today that the Republican National Committee health insurance plan covers elective abortions, a procedure which the party's own platform refers to as "a fundamental assault on innocent human life." I haven't seen this much hypocrisy since Lou Dobbs ran that pinata factory.
5. A boy from Arkansas has gained national attention after refusing to stand for the pledge and telling his teacher to go jump off a bridge. "I really don't feel that there's currently liberty and justice for all," said 10 year old Will Phillips. Phillips says he feels that gays specifically aren't being given equal rights in this country, at least that's what it sounded like with his head dunked in toilet water.
High five.
2. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said in an interview with Christianity Today that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with a Christian girl getting breast implants. "I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants," said Prejean. Well you miss a lot of things when your view is obstructed by enormous breasts.
3. BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site founded in Denmark in 2002 where only the most beautiful people are allowed to join, finally went live around the world last month. So far, Germans are considered the "ugliest" with only 15% of men and 13% of women being accepted to the site. "It's difficult to determine the ugliest nationality," say the site creators. "But you can't argue with the very exact science of Internet popularity."
4. It was revealed today that the Republican National Committee health insurance plan covers elective abortions, a procedure which the party's own platform refers to as "a fundamental assault on innocent human life." I haven't seen this much hypocrisy since Lou Dobbs ran that pinata factory.
5. A boy from Arkansas has gained national attention after refusing to stand for the pledge and telling his teacher to go jump off a bridge. "I really don't feel that there's currently liberty and justice for all," said 10 year old Will Phillips. Phillips says he feels that gays specifically aren't being given equal rights in this country, at least that's what it sounded like with his head dunked in toilet water.
High five.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Oprah Guest Vanity & Apologetic Hannity
1. On Wednesday, CNN host Lou Dobbs announced on his show that he would be quitting his job at the network. Dobbs said he's looking forward to standing up for causes and doing more advocacy journalism. Dobbs' body then slumped forward, whirred silent, and the four Mexicans operating his hollow steel body were at long last liberated.
2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.
3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"
4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"
5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.
High five.
2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.
3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"
4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"
5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.
High five.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Major Interview Scheduled & Gamer Schedules Cleared
1. Earlier this week, the Daily Show revealed that Sean Hannity, when covering anti-health care protests in Washington, actually used protest footage from a previous protest, with a much larger crowd. Hannity never mentioned the use of the footage, though clearly, as pointed out by Jon Stewart, the footage was identical. More frightening is the revelation that Hannity's look of smug, self-satisfaction has been reused again and again since his show's inception.
2. In a new interview, Black Eyed Peas member Fergie says that she is bisexual and that her husband is "well endowed." Fergie tells The Advocate she has "had a lot of fun with women," but that cheating with a woman would be the same as cheating with a man. In other news, a recent study shows that most modern couples see sleeping with Fergie as neither cheating with a woman or a man.
3. It's being reported that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Major Garrett, after weeks of speculation that the administration had been previously avoiding the network. The President insists no action has been taken to treat Fox News any differently than other news outlets. So tune in next week when Major Garrett interviews President Obama in the White House wind tunnel.
4. Microsoft announced this week it will be banning up to one million Xbox Live players for modifying their game systems or pirating games, a direct violation of the Xbox Live terms of service. Experts say this may actually increase commerce since gamers will look elsewhere for entertainment. Women in bars are advised to be mindful of a "chalky skin color" and a "faint burrito smell."
5. On Tuesday, the American Medical Association asked the federal government to alter its strict view that marijuana is dangerous and admit that it in fact may have medicinal purposes. Analysts say the endorsement could be a catalyst for spearheading further research into the drug's alternative uses. The AMA could not be reached for comment for the 78th straight day, but music of The Who could be heard through the basement windows of AMA offices.
High five.
2. In a new interview, Black Eyed Peas member Fergie says that she is bisexual and that her husband is "well endowed." Fergie tells The Advocate she has "had a lot of fun with women," but that cheating with a woman would be the same as cheating with a man. In other news, a recent study shows that most modern couples see sleeping with Fergie as neither cheating with a woman or a man.
3. It's being reported that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Major Garrett, after weeks of speculation that the administration had been previously avoiding the network. The President insists no action has been taken to treat Fox News any differently than other news outlets. So tune in next week when Major Garrett interviews President Obama in the White House wind tunnel.
4. Microsoft announced this week it will be banning up to one million Xbox Live players for modifying their game systems or pirating games, a direct violation of the Xbox Live terms of service. Experts say this may actually increase commerce since gamers will look elsewhere for entertainment. Women in bars are advised to be mindful of a "chalky skin color" and a "faint burrito smell."
5. On Tuesday, the American Medical Association asked the federal government to alter its strict view that marijuana is dangerous and admit that it in fact may have medicinal purposes. Analysts say the endorsement could be a catalyst for spearheading further research into the drug's alternative uses. The AMA could not be reached for comment for the 78th straight day, but music of The Who could be heard through the basement windows of AMA offices.
High five.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Moore Puma & Less Aerosmith
1. Westboro Baptist Church, a group known for their hate website and dislike for homosexuals, recently protested in front of the school attended by President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia, calling the girls "satanic spawns" and their father a "murderous bastard." Upon hearing the reports, George W. Bush leaned back in the rocking chair looking over his Crawford, TX ranch and became sadly nostalgic.
2. In the latest issue of W Magazine, Demi Moore discusses what it's like to be a 47 year old women in Hollywood, and also what it's like to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Moore says she doesn't at all mind being called Mrs. Kutcher, but would rather be labeled a puma than a cougar. In other news, Ashton Kutcher was brutally mauled by a puma today.
3. During a Wisconsin speaking engagement Friday, Sarah Palin referenced a change in U.S. coinage, where "In God We Trust" on new coins was to be moved from the face to the edge. The legislation was actually reversed in 2007, but Palin criticized the move asking, "Who calls a shot like that? It's a disturbing trend." Palin was then hit in the face with the edge of a nickel hurled from the audience, leaving no motto imprint.
4. News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch said today that he could in the future block Google searches from picking up his organization's news stories, as a way of forcing users to pay for content. Experts guess Google will likely survive such a move, but say that doesn't make it feel any better to get 'Doch-blocked.
5. According to recent reports and bandmate Joe Perry, Steven Tyler has quit the band Aerosmith. Tyler, 61, broke his shoulder after falling off a stage in South Dakota but has in past months dismissed reports that the band is splitting. The news obviously comes as a bit of a surprise to most Aerosmith fans, who thought Tyler was long dead.
High five.
2. In the latest issue of W Magazine, Demi Moore discusses what it's like to be a 47 year old women in Hollywood, and also what it's like to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Moore says she doesn't at all mind being called Mrs. Kutcher, but would rather be labeled a puma than a cougar. In other news, Ashton Kutcher was brutally mauled by a puma today.
3. During a Wisconsin speaking engagement Friday, Sarah Palin referenced a change in U.S. coinage, where "In God We Trust" on new coins was to be moved from the face to the edge. The legislation was actually reversed in 2007, but Palin criticized the move asking, "Who calls a shot like that? It's a disturbing trend." Palin was then hit in the face with the edge of a nickel hurled from the audience, leaving no motto imprint.
4. News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch said today that he could in the future block Google searches from picking up his organization's news stories, as a way of forcing users to pay for content. Experts guess Google will likely survive such a move, but say that doesn't make it feel any better to get 'Doch-blocked.
5. According to recent reports and bandmate Joe Perry, Steven Tyler has quit the band Aerosmith. Tyler, 61, broke his shoulder after falling off a stage in South Dakota but has in past months dismissed reports that the band is splitting. The news obviously comes as a bit of a surprise to most Aerosmith fans, who thought Tyler was long dead.
High five.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Cao's Conscience & Goldman's God
1. An Iranian student shocked the country this week when during a Q+A session at Tehran's Sharif Technical University he criticized Ayatollah Ali Khamenei face-to-face. Insulting the supreme leader is unheard of in Iranian culture and can result in severe punishment. Many opponents of the Ayatollah have shown great support for the young man and plan to throw a parade for his beaten, bloodied corpse.
2. Chris Brown recently talked to MTV's Sway and addressed the comments made by Rihanna concerning their abusive relationship. "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," said Brown. Brown then beat Sway to death with his microphone.
3. In an interview with the London Times, Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein says that by helping companies raise capital, they're creating jobs and in turn helping everyday people. We're doing "God's work," says Blankfein. He then added, "Now, go to Hell."
4. As the only Republican to vote for the health care bill that passed in the House on Friday, Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana told the press that it was a "decision of conscience." When a Republican adviser whispered into Cao's ear the actual definition of "conscience," Cao quickly retracted his statement and sprinted away.
5. On Tuesday the San Jose city council will look at a measure which would ban Styrofoam during city events of more than 1,000 people. Passing the measure would make San Jose the largest city to enact such a law. While most citizens are in favor of the legislation, that guy who had San Jose Shark foam fingers surgically grafted to his hands is actively in opposition.
High five.
2. Chris Brown recently talked to MTV's Sway and addressed the comments made by Rihanna concerning their abusive relationship. "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," said Brown. Brown then beat Sway to death with his microphone.
3. In an interview with the London Times, Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein says that by helping companies raise capital, they're creating jobs and in turn helping everyday people. We're doing "God's work," says Blankfein. He then added, "Now, go to Hell."
4. As the only Republican to vote for the health care bill that passed in the House on Friday, Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana told the press that it was a "decision of conscience." When a Republican adviser whispered into Cao's ear the actual definition of "conscience," Cao quickly retracted his statement and sprinted away.
5. On Tuesday the San Jose city council will look at a measure which would ban Styrofoam during city events of more than 1,000 people. Passing the measure would make San Jose the largest city to enact such a law. While most citizens are in favor of the legislation, that guy who had San Jose Shark foam fingers surgically grafted to his hands is actively in opposition.
High five.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Lawsuits & Tracksuits
1. On Thursday, thousands of Tea Party protesters arrived at the Capitol to fight health care legislation. Protesters held signs that read, "Keep your hands off my health care" and showed pictures of the Holocaust. Some tried to rush the congressional offices but were either stopped by police or collapsed from being in such poor health.
2. The band No Doubt is suing the makers of Band Hero because of a feature that allows a singer from one band to sing other artist's songs. Lead singer Gwen Stefani doesn't like that she can be made to sing the "suggestive" Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Woman." Game publisher Activision says that No Doubt knew the features and signed off on them. "Besides," said an Activision spokesperson, "on balance, if guys get riled up by Stefani singing 'Honky Tonk Woman,' their boners will shrink from Mick Jagger's 'Just A Girl.'"
3. Today RNC Chairman Michael Steele warned Republicans that attacking each other is pointless and won't help their ultimate cause. Despite losing a House seat in New York, Steele is generally positive. "I was brought into it after the fact," said Steele, "when a nominee who did not fit that district was chosen for purely political reasons." Steele then returned to the RNC offices where he stared motionless at a wall and continued to be Black.
4. Last night the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6 to win their 27th World Series. The Phillies, last year's champions, batted only .227 in all six games. Fox reports this as one of the highest rated series in years, and in order to maintain viewership in that time slot they've announced their newest show "Billionaires Play Chess For Master Of The Universe."
5. An executive with Best Buy says that he was denied access to first class by United Airlines because he was wearing a track suit. Armando Alverez said he used his miles to upgrade to first class but when he reached the gate was told he was dressed too casually. It sounds bad but in United's defense, they do have a strict rule forbidding even indirect references to other modes of mobility.
High five.
2. The band No Doubt is suing the makers of Band Hero because of a feature that allows a singer from one band to sing other artist's songs. Lead singer Gwen Stefani doesn't like that she can be made to sing the "suggestive" Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Woman." Game publisher Activision says that No Doubt knew the features and signed off on them. "Besides," said an Activision spokesperson, "on balance, if guys get riled up by Stefani singing 'Honky Tonk Woman,' their boners will shrink from Mick Jagger's 'Just A Girl.'"
3. Today RNC Chairman Michael Steele warned Republicans that attacking each other is pointless and won't help their ultimate cause. Despite losing a House seat in New York, Steele is generally positive. "I was brought into it after the fact," said Steele, "when a nominee who did not fit that district was chosen for purely political reasons." Steele then returned to the RNC offices where he stared motionless at a wall and continued to be Black.
4. Last night the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6 to win their 27th World Series. The Phillies, last year's champions, batted only .227 in all six games. Fox reports this as one of the highest rated series in years, and in order to maintain viewership in that time slot they've announced their newest show "Billionaires Play Chess For Master Of The Universe."
5. An executive with Best Buy says that he was denied access to first class by United Airlines because he was wearing a track suit. Armando Alverez said he used his miles to upgrade to first class but when he reached the gate was told he was dressed too casually. It sounds bad but in United's defense, they do have a strict rule forbidding even indirect references to other modes of mobility.
High five.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Chris Brown & Green Day
1. Jive Records announced today that Chris Brown's new album Graffiti will be released one week earlier than planned, December 8th rather than December 15th. No word on exactly what prompted the release date to be changed, but insiders say Brown was "eager to get it out there," and Jive's CEO did come out of a meeting with a knife in his eye.
2. In Florida, a prison guard assaulted by an inmate was rescued when two other inmates pulled his attacker off him, with one even radioing other guards. That is going to be an awkward Christmas card: "Thanks for saving my life... sorry about all the shower rape I looked the other way on."
3. It's been announced that Green Day will perform during NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly. "I'm beyond excited," says Daly. NBC is also looking to make it into the record book that night by setting the record for most times an audience thought or wished that a celebrity was already dead.
4. It's been reported that over $71 million dollars was spent for lobbying by companies who were recently bailed out by taxpayers. And experts say most of these companies are actually lobbying for more bailout money. However, analysts all agree, taxpayers will be particularly angry when they discover these companies are lobbying for discounts on "solid gold bailout money containers."
5. President Obama recently held a White House Tribal Nations Conference promising a new effort in America's relationship to the Native Americans. "You will not be forgotten as long as I'm in this White House," said Obama, signing a memorandum to improve tribes participation in government policy. A Native American man then teared up as the President walked away without the returning the pen he took from him.
High five.
2. In Florida, a prison guard assaulted by an inmate was rescued when two other inmates pulled his attacker off him, with one even radioing other guards. That is going to be an awkward Christmas card: "Thanks for saving my life... sorry about all the shower rape I looked the other way on."
3. It's been announced that Green Day will perform during NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly. "I'm beyond excited," says Daly. NBC is also looking to make it into the record book that night by setting the record for most times an audience thought or wished that a celebrity was already dead.
4. It's been reported that over $71 million dollars was spent for lobbying by companies who were recently bailed out by taxpayers. And experts say most of these companies are actually lobbying for more bailout money. However, analysts all agree, taxpayers will be particularly angry when they discover these companies are lobbying for discounts on "solid gold bailout money containers."
5. President Obama recently held a White House Tribal Nations Conference promising a new effort in America's relationship to the Native Americans. "You will not be forgotten as long as I'm in this White House," said Obama, signing a memorandum to improve tribes participation in government policy. A Native American man then teared up as the President walked away without the returning the pen he took from him.
High five.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Stabbing Yourself, Reporting Yourself & Rihanna Herself
1. A Colorado man reportedly stabbed himself in the leg this past week because he didn't want to work his job at Blockbuster. Aaron Seibers, 29, made up a story about being attacked by a group of skinheads, but surveillance footage checked by investigators showed no such attack and Seibers then confessed to stabbing himself. Oh, skinheads... hated even in the world of make-believe.
2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.
3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.
4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.
5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."
High five.
2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.
3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.
4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.
5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."
High five.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Cheney Is A Dick & Clinton Statue Erection
1. On Sunday in Kosovo, former President Clinton attended the unveiling of a new statue of himself in a boulevard that also bears his name. Despite Clinton's wishes, officials did not allow the sculptor to add multiple women surrounding the 42nd president. They did however honor his request that the boulevard be only one way, "because I don't go both ways," said Clinton.
2. On Monday, police brought charges against a man accused of stalking American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and may face up to four years in prison. The charges normally call for a longer sentence, but the judge felt by stalking Ryan Seacrest the man clearly had reached rock bottom.
3. In a recent interview country Hall of Famer George Jones criticized modern country music for using the "country music" label. "They need to ... find their own title because it's definitely not traditional country music," said Jones. Jones has just released a CD collection of his most requested country songs through Crack Barrel Old Country Store, recently voted as having the best bathrooms for sneaking off and feeling up your hot cousin.
4. During questioning with the FBI, Dick Cheney reportedly couldn't recall or even refused to answer 72 times in regards to the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Still, CIA officials point out that his refusal to answer was preferable to the 187 other instances when he calmly muttered to everyone in the room, "Go fuck yourselves."
5. On Sunday, Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama calling him "immature, inexperienced, and in over his head." Limbaugh then pulled a sweaty and completely submerged Obama from the marshmallow-like substance that is his belly fat.
High five.
2. On Monday, police brought charges against a man accused of stalking American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and may face up to four years in prison. The charges normally call for a longer sentence, but the judge felt by stalking Ryan Seacrest the man clearly had reached rock bottom.
3. In a recent interview country Hall of Famer George Jones criticized modern country music for using the "country music" label. "They need to ... find their own title because it's definitely not traditional country music," said Jones. Jones has just released a CD collection of his most requested country songs through Crack Barrel Old Country Store, recently voted as having the best bathrooms for sneaking off and feeling up your hot cousin.
4. During questioning with the FBI, Dick Cheney reportedly couldn't recall or even refused to answer 72 times in regards to the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Still, CIA officials point out that his refusal to answer was preferable to the 187 other instances when he calmly muttered to everyone in the room, "Go fuck yourselves."
5. On Sunday, Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama calling him "immature, inexperienced, and in over his head." Limbaugh then pulled a sweaty and completely submerged Obama from the marshmallow-like substance that is his belly fat.
High five.
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