1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence. Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.
2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle. Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.
3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more. So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.
4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries. Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.
5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.
High five.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Teats Of Strength
1. A dog in Germany has given birth to 17 puppies. The newsworthiness of the story may be questioned, but you can be sure it somehow involves a drunken David Hasselhoff.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lara Croft: Womb Raider
1. Actress Angelina Jolie last week said that she would be open to having more children. Upon hearing the news, her vagina screamed, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Weiners & Losers
1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly today debated with Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner over Obama's tax cut deal with the GOP. The democrat could do little to sway the Fox News host, but then again, that's not the first time Megyn Kelly has been forced to deal with a flailing wiener.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Oh, Brothers!
1. The top Catholic educating order De La Salle Christian Brothers recently admitted to concealing abuse within their organization after documents were discovered by the AP. The groups leader says they never intended to hide the truth, but that the documents were likely lost underneath a pile of alter boys.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Pittsburgh, Dead Ahead!
1. An airplane made an unscheduled stop in Pittsburgh on Monday after a dog on board bit two passengers. Then again, is there really even such a thing as a scheduled Pittsburgh stop?
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
Friday, December 3, 2010
A One Eight Seven Dwarves
1. After nearly 14 years, Disney's planned community, a small town called Celebration, has suffered its first homicide. Residents were initially shocked by the news but were fine once they discovered the victim had actually shot Bambi's mother.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Radioactive Spider-Musical
1. Spider-Man the musical is set to open on Broadway soon with a reported cost of $65 million, despite less than thrilling previews. Making this money back will be even more daunting since most of those in attendance will be without dates.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
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