Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hooked On Phonics Works For Tea!

1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence.  Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.

2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle.  Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.

3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more.  So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.

4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries.  Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.

5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.  The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.

High five.