1. Actress Angelina Jolie last week said that she would be open to having more children. Upon hearing the news, her vagina screamed, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
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