Five Jokes By Santa Claus

1. What's the most difficult part for Santa when giving the women of the house their present on Christmas Eve? Not waking their husbands as they wrap Santa's package. Ho ho ho!

2. Why does Santa need the women of the house to wrap his package when he visits on Christmas Eve? Well, Santa doesn't need to contract the gift that keeps on giving. Ho ho ho!

3. What's the worst thing about sex with Rudolph? He never does it with the light on. Ho ho ho!

4. My short little elves love living with me, but they hate my mistletoe belt. Ho ho ho!

5. What's the hardest part about ignoring a drunk dial from Santa? He knows when you're awake. Ho ho ho!

BONUS JOKE
What do the reindeer yell when flying Santa over three women in a red light district? "Whores!" Ho ho ho... Oh, I kid.

Ho five.

God Hates Gaga & Palin Loves Crazy

1. Reverend Fred Phelps from Kansas declared in a press release today that "God Hates Lady Gaga." The very holy man went on to call Gaga a "proud whore" and a "simple slut." Reverend Phelps, are you forgetting that Mary was the one with two baby daddies?

2. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin revived her use of the "death panel" argument when she spoke to her followers. "Merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" said the former Alaskan Governor. This wasn't taken from Palin's twitter account, but rather the transcript from a live speaking engagement.

3. 35 year old Kristy Lee Roshia is being held in federal custody after threatening to hurt members of the first family during their visit to Hawaii later this week. Authorities confirmed that Roshia has a history of leaving crazy messages to the Secret Service. "Although [my] mission is to assassinate the president, [I have] no desire to hurt him," said Roshia in 2004. Ah, yes of course, the very effective "assassination by pleasure." Well planned, Sarah Connor.

4. A fugitive who recently escaped from an eastern England prison reportedly continues to update his Facebook page while still on the run, posting about everything from his meals to who he's going to be dating next. "Is thinkin, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!" said Lynch. Well, I hope your hands have girl names.

5. On Tuesday Spanish police seized a ship 200 miles off the Iberian coast hauling more than 1.5 tons of cocaine. Authorities reached the 150-foot ship's location in about 3 hours, but made the trip back in about 20 minutes.

High five.

Parker Drives Off & Will.He.Is Homeless

1. Prince William is spending Tuesday night out on the street in support of London's homeless charity Centrepoint, for which he has been a spokesman since 2005. "Mental illness, drug and alcohol dependancy and family breakdown" are just some of the things the homeless deal with, said the prince. In other words, Prince William felt like he was right back in the palace.

2. Conservative Alabama House Democrat Rep. Parker Griffith announced that he will be switching over to the Republicans before the upcoming midterm elections. Griffith has voted against most major Democratic legislation and GOP leaders have reportedly been trying to recruit him for sometime. Though an embarrassing moment occurred today when GOP leaders discovered Griffith is already a registered Republican, but in accordance with Alabama state law, never learned to read.

3. On Tuesday, Darth Vader and a handful of stormtroopers rang the bell to open the New York Stock Exchange. Also in attendance were Lucasfilm Ltd. representatives as well as RD-D2. It's at that moment in their Wyoming home that Lynne Cheney realizes Dick's "run to the store" has been taking an awfully long time.

4. A Brazilian chief justice has ordered a 9 year old boy to be legally turned over to his New Jersey father who has been fighting for his custody over the last 5 years. David Goldman was ecstatic when he heard his son Sean would be returned to him in the U.S. However, in future news, an 18 year old Sean Goldman vows never to speak to his father again after paging through a "Women of Brazil" calendar.

5. Actor Arnold Stang, known for his roles alongside stars like Milton Berle and Frank Sinatra, died Tuesday at the age of 91. Stang is most remembered for playing nerdy characters with nasally voices. The wake will be held Thursday followed by one final atomic wedgie.

High five.

Jesus In Tha House & Army Of One-ing For Two

1. U.S. and Canadian researchers have discovered what facial measurements people consider the most attractive. In a series of experiments, participants were shown various photos of female faces, and all participants chose faces that fit a golden ratio, the optimum distance from the hairline to the top of the mouth and the horizontal distance between the eyes. However, researchers say there are "easy ways to trick beholders into thinking a woman's face is maximally attractive." For instance, boobs.

2. With the votes all but shored up in the senate, President Obama is praising the health care bill as it comes closer to passing. Obama cheered the health care bill adding that it will make a "tremendous difference for families, for seniors, for businesses and for the country as a whole." When asked if he would sign the bill when it came to his desk, Obama said, "Oh yeah, I'll totally sign whatever it is that this thing does."

3. Archaeologists in the city of Nazareth, Jerusalem have uncovered a house that appears to be from the era of Jesus Christ. Scientists believe the house was lived in by Jews based on the presence of chalk which Jewish households of that time used to maintain purity of food and water. Also indicative of the time period was a kid's JWA poster which read, "Fuck tha Romans!"

4. On Monday, U.S. General Anthony Cucolo in Iraq said that soldiers who get pregnant or impregnate a fellow soldier may face court-martial. "Anyone who leaves this fight earlier than the expected 12-month deployment creates a burden on their teammates," says Cucolo. So, remember that, guys. You're not just screwing a female soldier, you're screwing America.

5. In his new book, a professor at Duquesne University Law School says that Osama Bin Laden once tried to have former President Bill Clinton assassinated during an economic forum in the Philippines. The story has never before been reported but was recounted by a former director of the Secret Service. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, none of his assassins could get close enough to Clinton, which is why Bin Laden terrorist schools now include blow job classes.

High five.

Palin ad Visor & Woods' Wife Wiser

1. It's been reported that Elin Nordegren is getting a divorce from husband Tiger Woods. Today Woods signed the first of many giant, novelty first place checks over to her.

2. A new study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project shows that 15% of teens admit to "sexting," sending nude images via text message. But analysts urge parents not to blame cell phones. "Blaming the technology is like blaming an automobile for drunk driving," says Bill Albert of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Yeah? Tell that to KITT. I believe you, David Hasselhoff. I believe you.

3. Sarah Palin is apologizing today after photos surfaced of her wearing a McCain campaign visor with the logo blacked out. Palin says she was simply trying to remain incognito while vacationing in Hawaii and still supports McCain 100%. Though according to Fox News data, it's more like 570%.

4. US military officials today say that Iraqi insurgents have hacked into the live video feed of their remote control drones. Today, Apple released a statement apologizing for the hack, saying, "We never thought this would be the application of our new line of Macs powered by stoning adulterers."

5. According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, joblessness in America is causing major trauma on US families. Half of those polled are suffering anxiety or depression and "4 in 10 parents have noticed behavioral changes in their children that they attribute to their difficulties in finding work." You know the economy's bad when even sweat shops are laying off children.

High five.

Tiger Woods Still Ahead & Toby Keith Still An Ass

1. On Wednesday, Tiger Woods was voted the top athlete of the decade, beating talents such as Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. Woods' 56 PGA Tour victories in this decade are more than the greatest golfers have won in their entire career. Still, many critics believe the results have been skewed by having just female porn stars vote.

2. This week, Detroit's mayor is reporting that the city's unemployment is close to a shocking 50%. City leaders say officially the unemployment is at 30%, but that the Bureau of Labor Statistics does not include part time workers seeking full time or people who have given up job searching all together. Mayor Dave Bing also adds that the figure shoots up to 70% if you include those in Eminem's posse.

3. Toby Keith is being criticized for making a racist gesture during a Nobel Peace Prize concert in Norway where he performed the song Rapper's Delight with Will Smith. When the two got to the word "yellow" in the lyrics, Keith was seen pulling his eyes back. In related news, this story's original reporter accidentally included the phrases "Nobel Peace Prize" and "Toby Keith" in the same sentence causing her head to explode.

4. On Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, cast members from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" recreated the story of Christmas, acting as the three wise men. Visiting the stable where Jesus was lying, the three brought with them gold, frankincense, and embarrassing sadness.

5. On Saturday, an elderly couple, after being together for nearly 59 years, died just moments apart in their Florida nursing home. Lolie Bracken passed away early in the afternoon and her husband James a mere minutes later. When nurses discovered James had died, they found an open journal near him which read, "At long last! Sweet bachelor freed--"

High five.

Peepholes & Assholes

1. Kourtney Kardasian gave birth Monday to a healthy baby boy. Mason Dash Disick was born in a L.A. hospital weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. Of course, minus butt weight, the baby is 6 ounces.

2. In an interview with the New York Times Tuesday, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman said that Liberal enthusiasm for the Medicare buy-in legislation convinced him that opposing the measure was the right thing to do. In a press release Tuesday night, Liberals said they are extremely happy that Senator Lieberman is alive and well and that their enthusiasm would be crushed if he were to hang himself in his office.

3. Tiger Woods is now reportedly being linked to a sports medicine doctor who is under investigation for dealing in illegal drugs. Dr. Anthony Galea says he visited the Woods' home this year while the golfer was recovering from a knee injury. On Tuesday, Galea appeared on Good Morning America to tell viewers that Tiger was a sensual and very well endowed lover.

4. At a UN climate conference Tuesday, former Vice President Al Gore said that based on new computer modeling, the Arctic Ocean could be ice-free by as soon as 2014. "We can still do something about it," said Gore. "The ice is not gone yet." Gore then reached to the nearest reporters face, pulled away as if holding something, and added, "Not like your nose, which is now gone."

5. On Tuesday, ESPN reporter Erin Andrews appeared in court with the man accused of stalking her and secretly video taping her through a peephole in her hotel room. In other news, a hot, steamy video has been released showing sexy ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a peephole at an unidentified court proceeding.

High five.

Out Of Brown & Not Out Of Woods

1. Author Stephen King and his wife will donate $13,000 so that 150 soldiers from Maine's National Guard, stationed in Indiana, can take a bus home for the holidays. The bus ride will be split into an 8 part series, take over 2 months to complete, and at some point feature a man-child.

2. 98 year old Massachusetts woman Laura Lundquist is being indicted in the killing of her 100 year old nursing home roommate. Elizabeth Barrow was found dead with a plastic bag tied around her head on September 24. Authorities believe Lundquist may have been under the influence of something, given the unsnorted lines of Metamucil on their coffee table.

3. Global consulting firm Accenture Ltd. has decided to end its relationship with Tiger Woods in the wake of a media storm concerning Woods' marital infidelity. Accenture recently featured Woods in an ad with the slogan, "The road to high performance isn't always paved." Of course, most girls now know that Woods performs much better when they are unpaved.

4. Anger management's prize pupil Chris Brown unloaded on retailers who wouldn't stock his new CD Graffiti. "JUST WAS AT WALMART in wallingford, CT... they didn't even have my album in the back... not on shelves, saw for myself," said Brown via Twitter. Walmart was seen recently with a bruise under one eye, and nude pictures of the retail chain are circulating the web.

5. On Oprah's special Christmas at the White House, when asked what grade he would give himself, Obama said he would grade what he's done so far with a B+. Oprah then checked to make sure that the B had not been changed from an F, adding, "Like a previous President who shall go unnamed."

High five.

PGA Bandwagon & Al Goring Palin

1. PGA players are jumping in on the Tiger Woods debate, criticizing the golfer for being "a phony." Golfer Ben Crane said of Woods, "He can't retain the squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer," while golfer Charles Warren stated he thinks Wood's wife should leave him. Wow, PGA players: courageously taking the popular stand for a slighted woman... unless of course she wants to hit from the same tee they do.

2. A review this week of Barnes & Nobles e-reader the Nook called the contraption "a mess," citing issues such as slow screens and its inability to show color. Yes, God forbid you take the time to read a book let alone one without pictures and pretty colors.

3. It's been discovered that Men's Health magazine's most recent issue reused the cover from a previous issue from 2007. The magazine recycles lines like "Six-Pack Abs," "Dress For More Sex," and "Eat Better, Think Smarter." The most telling sign though was the headline "Tiger Woods Voted Most Gentlemanly Monogamous Man Of All Time."

4. An atheist man who was elected to city council in North Carolina is facing resistance today as opponents say under state law he cannot hold political office. Not the state law which bars people who deny the existence of God from holding office, but rather the one which doesn't allow "book learners."

5. While on the Laura Ingraham show Thursday, Sarah Palin said climate change believers try to make something out of nothing. When asked if she would ever debate Al Gore, Palin said Gore probably wouldn't want to lower himself to the level of "little old Sarah Palin from Wasilla." Well, he probably just wants to stay on high ground for when Wasilla, AK is underwater in 25 years.

High five.

Perez Hilton & Other Canzerous Colons

1. Radio host and Fox News personality Glenn Beck is being criticized by some as having a conflict of interest over one of his sponsors. Critics say Beck regularly touts the advantages of the gold market but fails to mention that he is a paid spokesman for precious metals vendor Goldline International. Not only that, but a recent investigation has revealed a second conflict of interest, that Beck is also employed by Fake Patriotic Douche Corporation of America.

2. A 20 year old Virginia community college student was arrested Tuesday after opening fire in a classroom using a high powered rifle, though no one was injured. Police have not yet revealed the shooter's motive, but say he was very upset and kept referring to himself as a loser. I don't know, bringing a gun to school and everyone leaving unharmed? What a loser.

3. A new report estimates that colon cancer deaths could drop dramatically in the next decade thanks to better screening and treatment. The American Cancer Society says colon cancer has already dropped 20% in the last decade and that the end of the world in 2012 should get rid of a lot of assholes.

4. Perez Hilton is in a verbal spat with local Los Angeles morning show KTLA after a scheduling conflict caused Hilton to storm out and cancel his guest appearance. Anchor Sam Rubin explained his version of events on-air before referring to Hilton as a "talentless dope." Please, Mr. Rubin, there's a classier way to do this: Ms. Talentless Dope.

5. Joshua S. Trevino, co-founder of RedState.com and former Bush speechwriter has identified an anachronistic mistake in the show Mad Men. Trevino points out that certain books shown on shelves during scenes of the AMC drama were published decades after the time when the show is set. But then again, that's just the factual and thorough nature you come to expect from George W. Bush speechwriters.

High five.

Michael Bay & Livingston Gay

1. Billboard magazine has named Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" as the one-hit wonder of the decade. Despite the news, Powter told reporters he was actually having a very good day, but only because he just got a shield that protects him from spit and middle fingers.

2. A new study out of Seton Hall University Law School finds evidence of a military cover-up in regards to the alleged suicides of three Gitmo prisoners. Experts say the details of the three deaths were extremely suspicious. The most suspicious however is a business card left at the scene which reads "Ninja Rumsfeld was here."

3. Michael Bay has created a new ad for Victoria Secrets, it was reported today. The ad features models posing in front of various backdrops of vehicle-filled landscapes. Analysts say fans of the director will have no trouble recognizing his style, especially at the end when all the models explode and Megan Fox calls him Hitler.

4. Ron Livingston of Office Space fame is suing a hacker who posted information on Wikipedia suggesting the actor is gay. According to court papers, the hacker is constantly changing the page to say Livingston is dating another man, even though he was just recently married last week to Rosemarie Dewitt. Meanwhile, the hacker who makes gay changes to Tom Cruise's Wikipedia page waits patiently by the phone.

5. In a new Time Magazine study, researchers say 40% of teenagers had had sex before their parents talked with them about sex. "The results didn't surprise me," says study co-author Dr. Mark Schuster, "but there's something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents." Luckily, my parents talked to me about the scientific and medical dangers of sex, and there's no way I'm gonna let a black hole form on my penis and transport me into a realm of unspeakable evil where thousands of tiny demons eat away at my scrotum! Yeah, have fun with that!

High five.

Butt Makeup & Drunk Pills

1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly is set to retyrn to the network after havyng gyven birth to a baby boy. Her first appearynce post-maternyty leave wyll be as a weekly analyst for Byll O'Reilly. No word yet as to the name of Kelly's child, but those close to her say she's decidyng between Ryck, Christophyr, and a third name consisting of just eight silent Ys (Yyyyyyyy).

2. Today on his show, Rush Limbaugh accused politicians on the left of using Health Care reform to get rid of the elderly, equating them to Mao. "What's the first thing Mao se Tung did? What was the cultural revolution? He took out the educated people," said Limbaugh. Hmm, actually the fact that Limbaugh hasn't been taken out may prove his point.

3. After a recent Victoria's Secret fashion show, model Selita Ebanks says that it's "all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone." And straight men everywhere suddenly envy their gay brothers' makeup careers.

4. A new pill developed by Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev can reportedly get you drunk without drinking. Moskalev says his method involves transforming alcohol into powder and that he's tried this with liquors containing up to 95% alcohol. Upon hearing the news, the National Creepy Bar Guy Association today questioned how it would be able to slip a pill into another pill.

5. Rudy Giuliani's consulting firm is being paid to give security advice to the city of Rio in preparation for the 2016 summer Olympics. This isn't the first time Giuliani has gone to another city to fight crime; he was brought in to Mexico City in 2003 to help with their crime problem. Though Rio city officials are hoping to avoid the awkward silence created in Mexico City when Giuliani said he first needed "two really tall skyscrapers."

High fyve.

Iran's Uranium & Tiger's Wood

1. In an open letter on his website today, Tiger Woods apologized to his friends, family and fans for the drama that had transpired following the car accident in his driveway. Woods kept it very secretive, not going into detail but still seemingly admitting to an extramarital affair. In the history of time, it will officially be known as the only moment when the phrases "Tiger Woods" and "Tiger's Wood" were exchanged freely without hesitation.

2. Fellow pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, the man who introduced Tiger Woods' to his current wife, is speaking out about the superstar golfer's recent mishaps. "You should think more before you do stuff," said Parnevik, "and maybe not 'Just do it,' like Nike says." Parnevik then snorted coke off a nun's thigh for the chance at a Nike contract.

3. In a speech Wednesday, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised that despite the world's wishes, the country will go forward to enrich even more uranium. The United States gave the Islamic nation a stern look as it snuck away from the dinner table to get more uranium. "NO! Baaaaaaaad," said the U.S. Iran continued, not responding to America's threatening tone. "Baaaaaaaad." Iran watched the U.S., blank-eyed, but opened the box of uranium regardless. The U.S. then grabbed the spray bottle and shooed the Middle Eastern country away with a hiss.

4. The U.N. chief has named Grammy Award winning recording artist Stevie Wonder a United Nations Messenger of Peace. U.N. authorities say it will be Wonder's job to deliver peaceful messages across the globe. Despite Wonder's impressive music resume, his only previous delivery experience includes putting pizza in a laundry shoot, dispensing ketchup to a shoe, and giving presents wrapped in pancakes.

5. On Wednesday, a congressional hearing was held to discuss the leaked climate change emails, which some Republicans believe proves in some way that the jury is still out on climate change. Rep. James Sensenbrenner, Republican from Wisconsin, went on to list other things he believed the jury was still out on. 1) The hazards of smoking, 2) the Irish as people, and 3) the dangers of womanly brain fever.

High five.

LCDs Down 22% & Jesus Christs Up 100%

1. On Friday, the first ever North Korean-made designer jeans will go on sale in Sweden for about $215. The jeans were designed in honor of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, so they will only be available at Baby Gap.

2. A Birmingham, Alabama woman who had legally changed her name to Jesus Christ was evicted from a jury pool this week after causing a disruption. Court officials said the woman repeatedly asked questions and other jurors laughed aloud when she insisted her name was Jesus Christ. And suddenly, Jesus' idea to reveal himself to the public after first getting a sex change no longer sounds as good as it did in his head.

3. Last week, a Taiwanese man was reportedly robbed of more than $2 million he had just withdrawn from the bank making it the largest robbery in the country's history. Authorities say the man probably drew too much attention to himself. Security cameras show the man sitting at the cash machine for nearly 8 hours.

4. Tiger Woods and his wife were involved in a car crash incident late last week in which Woods hit a fire hydrant then crashed into a tree. Authorities are still unsure the cause of the accident but rumors are circulating that it's the result of a domestic dispute. Today, news anchors chuckled at some adorable, recently uncovered footage of a 6 year old Tiger Woods smacking around his first grade girlfriend.

5. Research firm ISuppli predicts television sales will be up 6% this week compared to last year and reports prices on LCD televisions are down 22% after Black Friday. Of course, that means very little this Christmas season to 15.7 million Americans whose income is down 100%.

High five.