Butt Makeup & Drunk Pills

1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly is set to retyrn to the network after havyng gyven birth to a baby boy. Her first appearynce post-maternyty leave wyll be as a weekly analyst for Byll O'Reilly. No word yet as to the name of Kelly's child, but those close to her say she's decidyng between Ryck, Christophyr, and a third name consisting of just eight silent Ys (Yyyyyyyy).

2. Today on his show, Rush Limbaugh accused politicians on the left of using Health Care reform to get rid of the elderly, equating them to Mao. "What's the first thing Mao se Tung did? What was the cultural revolution? He took out the educated people," said Limbaugh. Hmm, actually the fact that Limbaugh hasn't been taken out may prove his point.

3. After a recent Victoria's Secret fashion show, model Selita Ebanks says that it's "all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone." And straight men everywhere suddenly envy their gay brothers' makeup careers.

4. A new pill developed by Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev can reportedly get you drunk without drinking. Moskalev says his method involves transforming alcohol into powder and that he's tried this with liquors containing up to 95% alcohol. Upon hearing the news, the National Creepy Bar Guy Association today questioned how it would be able to slip a pill into another pill.

5. Rudy Giuliani's consulting firm is being paid to give security advice to the city of Rio in preparation for the 2016 summer Olympics. This isn't the first time Giuliani has gone to another city to fight crime; he was brought in to Mexico City in 2003 to help with their crime problem. Though Rio city officials are hoping to avoid the awkward silence created in Mexico City when Giuliani said he first needed "two really tall skyscrapers."

High fyve.