Michael Bay & Livingston Gay

1. Billboard magazine has named Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" as the one-hit wonder of the decade. Despite the news, Powter told reporters he was actually having a very good day, but only because he just got a shield that protects him from spit and middle fingers.

2. A new study out of Seton Hall University Law School finds evidence of a military cover-up in regards to the alleged suicides of three Gitmo prisoners. Experts say the details of the three deaths were extremely suspicious. The most suspicious however is a business card left at the scene which reads "Ninja Rumsfeld was here."

3. Michael Bay has created a new ad for Victoria Secrets, it was reported today. The ad features models posing in front of various backdrops of vehicle-filled landscapes. Analysts say fans of the director will have no trouble recognizing his style, especially at the end when all the models explode and Megan Fox calls him Hitler.

4. Ron Livingston of Office Space fame is suing a hacker who posted information on Wikipedia suggesting the actor is gay. According to court papers, the hacker is constantly changing the page to say Livingston is dating another man, even though he was just recently married last week to Rosemarie Dewitt. Meanwhile, the hacker who makes gay changes to Tom Cruise's Wikipedia page waits patiently by the phone.

5. In a new Time Magazine study, researchers say 40% of teenagers had had sex before their parents talked with them about sex. "The results didn't surprise me," says study co-author Dr. Mark Schuster, "but there's something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents." Luckily, my parents talked to me about the scientific and medical dangers of sex, and there's no way I'm gonna let a black hole form on my penis and transport me into a realm of unspeakable evil where thousands of tiny demons eat away at my scrotum! Yeah, have fun with that!

High five.