Iran's Uranium & Tiger's Wood

1. In an open letter on his website today, Tiger Woods apologized to his friends, family and fans for the drama that had transpired following the car accident in his driveway. Woods kept it very secretive, not going into detail but still seemingly admitting to an extramarital affair. In the history of time, it will officially be known as the only moment when the phrases "Tiger Woods" and "Tiger's Wood" were exchanged freely without hesitation.

2. Fellow pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, the man who introduced Tiger Woods' to his current wife, is speaking out about the superstar golfer's recent mishaps. "You should think more before you do stuff," said Parnevik, "and maybe not 'Just do it,' like Nike says." Parnevik then snorted coke off a nun's thigh for the chance at a Nike contract.

3. In a speech Wednesday, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised that despite the world's wishes, the country will go forward to enrich even more uranium. The United States gave the Islamic nation a stern look as it snuck away from the dinner table to get more uranium. "NO! Baaaaaaaad," said the U.S. Iran continued, not responding to America's threatening tone. "Baaaaaaaad." Iran watched the U.S., blank-eyed, but opened the box of uranium regardless. The U.S. then grabbed the spray bottle and shooed the Middle Eastern country away with a hiss.

4. The U.N. chief has named Grammy Award winning recording artist Stevie Wonder a United Nations Messenger of Peace. U.N. authorities say it will be Wonder's job to deliver peaceful messages across the globe. Despite Wonder's impressive music resume, his only previous delivery experience includes putting pizza in a laundry shoot, dispensing ketchup to a shoe, and giving presents wrapped in pancakes.

5. On Wednesday, a congressional hearing was held to discuss the leaked climate change emails, which some Republicans believe proves in some way that the jury is still out on climate change. Rep. James Sensenbrenner, Republican from Wisconsin, went on to list other things he believed the jury was still out on. 1) The hazards of smoking, 2) the Irish as people, and 3) the dangers of womanly brain fever.

High five.