1. On Tuesday, police on Indonesia's resort island of Bali detained 28 people in a crackdown on "beach gigolos." Gigolos would reportedly search out short romantic relationships with foreign female tourists in exchange for gifts. In other news, today marks the 10th anniversary of people forgetting about Rob Schneider.
2. Sandra Bullock revealed this week that she has adopted a baby boy. Just days after also filing for divorce from Jesse James, Bullock says she's ready for life as a single mother. But Bullock was shocked earlier today when she found text messages from other mothers on her new baby's phone.
3. The Sun, the British newspaper published by the son of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, says it will print one issue in 3D on June 5. In future news, subscribers to The Sun were put off today when they read the paper's limited 3D edition and appeared to have smelly, garbagy shit leap off the page onto their hands.
4. It was announced on Wednesday that director Bill Condon is officially slated to direct the next installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Condon is known for writing the Oscar winning screenplay for Gods and Monsters, producing the 2009 Academy Awards, and being a 16 year old girl.
5. On Tuesday, the Washington Examiner ran the headline "Obama Disses White Guys," which criticizes the President for specifically targeting Blacks, Hispanics, and women for the upcoming 2010 midterm elections. In the Examiner's defense, Obama did offer his hand to White guys, but when White guys went to take it, Obama quickly took it back and ran it through his hair.
High five.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Space Invaders
1. In a new Discovery Channel series, Stephen Hawking says that humans shouldn't automatically assume that alien visitors would come in peace. "I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet ... looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach," Hawking said... well, sort of.
2. A Nebraska county courthouse is under fire for displaying a picture of Barack Obama smoking a cigarette instead of a traditional Presidential portrait. A Republican Adams County supervisor said he did it as a joke after on county official found it disrespectful. The Adams County supervisor said he's sorry if anyone was offended and he'll return their original Obama portrait with the Hitler mustache.
3. Doctors said on Monday that more tests are planned for rocker Bret Michaels after he was rushed to the ER for a severe headache. Despite the seriousness doctors say Michaels should unfortunately be available for a 4th season of "Rock of Love."
4. A Justin Bieber concert was canceled Monday in Australia after thousands of teenage fans rushed toward the open doors injuring some and causing others to pass out. No word yet on what caused the crowd to surge forward, but the Pulitzer Prize committee will be taking a close look at the investigative coverage in this month's Tiger Beat.
5. LuAnn de Lesseps from the Real Housewives of New York has released a new single called "Money Can't Buy You Class." "This is not your average dance track," says de Lesseps. And music experts agree that it is in fact well, well below average.
High five.
2. A Nebraska county courthouse is under fire for displaying a picture of Barack Obama smoking a cigarette instead of a traditional Presidential portrait. A Republican Adams County supervisor said he did it as a joke after on county official found it disrespectful. The Adams County supervisor said he's sorry if anyone was offended and he'll return their original Obama portrait with the Hitler mustache.
3. Doctors said on Monday that more tests are planned for rocker Bret Michaels after he was rushed to the ER for a severe headache. Despite the seriousness doctors say Michaels should unfortunately be available for a 4th season of "Rock of Love."
4. A Justin Bieber concert was canceled Monday in Australia after thousands of teenage fans rushed toward the open doors injuring some and causing others to pass out. No word yet on what caused the crowd to surge forward, but the Pulitzer Prize committee will be taking a close look at the investigative coverage in this month's Tiger Beat.
5. LuAnn de Lesseps from the Real Housewives of New York has released a new single called "Money Can't Buy You Class." "This is not your average dance track," says de Lesseps. And music experts agree that it is in fact well, well below average.
High five.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Kitchen Staff
1. According to California Representative Brian Bilbray, in regards to recent strict immigration legislation passed by Arizona, illegal immigrants can be spotted by their shoes and clothes. Bilbray says he knows this because he's constantly having to buy new shoes and clothes for his undocumented house staff.
2. In a heated GOP Florida Senate race, Dick Cheney has endorsed candidate Mark Rubio over Governor Charlie Crist as Rubio surges ahead in the state polls. Cheney met with Rubio earlier today where they discussed the possible destruction of Charlie Crist's home planet of Alderaan.
3. It's the fourth Thursday in April and across the country that means it's "Take Your Son or Daughter to Work Day." However, due to a troubled economy, the annual event has been changed to "Take Your Son or Daughter to Couch Day."
4. An Australian women was sentenced to 25 years in prison after she ran over and killed a man who threw cheese snacks at her car. The defense says the punishment is excessive, but the judge insisted it be sharp.
5. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone settled the "tweeted" versus "twittered" debate earlier this week in an interview with Katie Couric. "I think I'm going now have to relinquish style control here to the people who have spoken and go ahead and say, it's tweeted," said Stone. And with that, cancer was cured across the globe.
High five.
2. In a heated GOP Florida Senate race, Dick Cheney has endorsed candidate Mark Rubio over Governor Charlie Crist as Rubio surges ahead in the state polls. Cheney met with Rubio earlier today where they discussed the possible destruction of Charlie Crist's home planet of Alderaan.
3. It's the fourth Thursday in April and across the country that means it's "Take Your Son or Daughter to Work Day." However, due to a troubled economy, the annual event has been changed to "Take Your Son or Daughter to Couch Day."
4. An Australian women was sentenced to 25 years in prison after she ran over and killed a man who threw cheese snacks at her car. The defense says the punishment is excessive, but the judge insisted it be sharp.
5. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone settled the "tweeted" versus "twittered" debate earlier this week in an interview with Katie Couric. "I think I'm going now have to relinquish style control here to the people who have spoken and go ahead and say, it's tweeted," said Stone. And with that, cancer was cured across the globe.
High five.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Roethlisberger Reprise And A Joke
1. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be suspended for the first six games of the 2010 NFL season for after being accused of sexual assault for the second time in less than a year. "There is no question that the excessive consumption of alcohol that evening put the students and yourself at risk," said NFL commissioner in a letter to Roethlisberger. Experts agree that 6 weeks off during the season will give Roethlisberger a chance to check out the opposing team's local bar scene.
2. A new $100 bill was introduced last month and is touted as the most advanced treasury note ever, "incorporating the best technology available." Here's how the note works, say officials: counterfeiters will get a hold of the new highly advanced $100 bill, try to copy it, then realize that in the future US money will be worth almost nothing. Joke's on them!
3. Obama said Wednesday that he is looking for someone who backs women's rights when considering a Supreme Court Justice nominee. "That's very important to me," said Obama. The President says he's not referring to rulings on abortion, but feels someone who supports women's rights will probably be better suited to handle the Supreme Court chamber vacuum cleaner.
4. In court on Wednesday, US attorneys described former Blackwater president Gary Jackson, currently being indicted on federal charges, as having a "scofflaw attitude." US attorney John Bowler says Jackson falsified federal documents to hide that the company was providing guns to the king of Jordan. Prosecutors also point out that Jackson's fixation on big guns only highlights his "smallpenis demeanor."
5. Tuesday on Howard Stern's show, Fox News host Megyn Kelly said, given the choice during the game "Marry, F***, Kill," that she would marry Sean Hannity, have sex with Bill O'Reilly, and kill Glenn Beck. Today, in a completely unrelated story, Sean Hannity said that he too would marry and have sex with Sean Hannity.
High five.
2. A new $100 bill was introduced last month and is touted as the most advanced treasury note ever, "incorporating the best technology available." Here's how the note works, say officials: counterfeiters will get a hold of the new highly advanced $100 bill, try to copy it, then realize that in the future US money will be worth almost nothing. Joke's on them!
3. Obama said Wednesday that he is looking for someone who backs women's rights when considering a Supreme Court Justice nominee. "That's very important to me," said Obama. The President says he's not referring to rulings on abortion, but feels someone who supports women's rights will probably be better suited to handle the Supreme Court chamber vacuum cleaner.
4. In court on Wednesday, US attorneys described former Blackwater president Gary Jackson, currently being indicted on federal charges, as having a "scofflaw attitude." US attorney John Bowler says Jackson falsified federal documents to hide that the company was providing guns to the king of Jordan. Prosecutors also point out that Jackson's fixation on big guns only highlights his "smallpenis demeanor."
5. Tuesday on Howard Stern's show, Fox News host Megyn Kelly said, given the choice during the game "Marry, F***, Kill," that she would marry Sean Hannity, have sex with Bill O'Reilly, and kill Glenn Beck. Today, in a completely unrelated story, Sean Hannity said that he too would marry and have sex with Sean Hannity.
High five.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Insane In The McCain
1. On The O'Reilly Factor Tuesday, Senator John McCain agreed with a harsher new immigration bill in Arizona that critics say could lead to racial profiling. McCain says he doesn't want racial profiling but that cars with illegal immigrants are "intentionally causing accidents on the freeway." One illegal, however, said today that he wouldn't have gotten into that accident if McCain hadn't had his blinker on for the last 50 exits.
2. On Thursday, President Obama predicted that an American will land of Mars within his lifetime. Despite recent criticism, Obama says he hopes to have astronauts orbiting Mars by the 2030's and landing on the planet soon after. And then, said Obama, a complete revamping of NASA's Tang division.
3. In Florida, a judge is prepared to hear a case brought by multiple "Tea Party" political groups over who has the right to use the Tea Party name. His next case involves two men who both want the vanity license plate "I Love Hilter!"
4. Scott Baio's wife Renee is in hot water for calling the website Jezebel.com a "bunch of far left lesbian shitasses," after they made fun of her husband last week. "I have lesbian friends who couldn't be nicer," explained Renee. Lesbians across the nation, however, are conflicted on the issue: on one hand they don't at all approve of Renee's homophobic language, on the other hand, without Scott Baio, most lesbian hairstyles wouldn't exist today.
5. A new study by British researchers shows that brain exercises don't improve brain cognition in any way, despite a popular trend in brain strengthening games. The online experiment studied 11,000 participants over a 6 week period and concluded that subjects only improved on the individual tasks and not overall brain training. In other news, pornography site traffic shot up 100,000% today.
High five.
2. On Thursday, President Obama predicted that an American will land of Mars within his lifetime. Despite recent criticism, Obama says he hopes to have astronauts orbiting Mars by the 2030's and landing on the planet soon after. And then, said Obama, a complete revamping of NASA's Tang division.
3. In Florida, a judge is prepared to hear a case brought by multiple "Tea Party" political groups over who has the right to use the Tea Party name. His next case involves two men who both want the vanity license plate "I Love Hilter!"
4. Scott Baio's wife Renee is in hot water for calling the website Jezebel.com a "bunch of far left lesbian shitasses," after they made fun of her husband last week. "I have lesbian friends who couldn't be nicer," explained Renee. Lesbians across the nation, however, are conflicted on the issue: on one hand they don't at all approve of Renee's homophobic language, on the other hand, without Scott Baio, most lesbian hairstyles wouldn't exist today.
5. A new study by British researchers shows that brain exercises don't improve brain cognition in any way, despite a popular trend in brain strengthening games. The online experiment studied 11,000 participants over a 6 week period and concluded that subjects only improved on the individual tasks and not overall brain training. In other news, pornography site traffic shot up 100,000% today.
High five.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Photo High Five #14
After being criticized by Democrats for his lack of support on Wall Street reform, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shows Democrats how he supports their mothers' heads when he makes out with them.
Mr. Ed-ucated
1. A 17 year old horse in Chino Hills, California is being touted as the world's smartest horse, with the ability to spell names as well as discern various shapes. In other news, scientists believe they may have discovered the secret to developing a smarter glue.
2. A missing 11 year old Florida girl was found alive after spending four nights in an alligator infested swampland. Alligator officials say the alligator responsible for the loss has been relieved of duty in the ongoing human-alligator wars.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke before 5,000 Tea Party members with a strong anti-tax message just a mile from the site where the original Boston Tea Party took place. "Is this what their 'change' is all about?" asked Palin. "We'll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion — and you can keep the change." God then dropped his 10ft pole and slowly backed away from the rally.
4. Some veteran astronauts are speaking out against President Obama's change in course for America's role in space exploration. Obama canceled a mission to return to the moon and wants the private sector to handle more space exploration. "It is the demise of American people in space except in someone else's vehicle," said former astronaut Eugene Cernan. Cernan then got into his new Japanese-made Honda Civic and drove away.
5. Glenn Beck has a new political thriller coming out soon called The Overton Window, and the conservative pundit is letting fans decide on the cover. So look for The Overton Window at your local bookstores -- it'll be the book with the giant sphincter on the front.
High five.
2. A missing 11 year old Florida girl was found alive after spending four nights in an alligator infested swampland. Alligator officials say the alligator responsible for the loss has been relieved of duty in the ongoing human-alligator wars.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke before 5,000 Tea Party members with a strong anti-tax message just a mile from the site where the original Boston Tea Party took place. "Is this what their 'change' is all about?" asked Palin. "We'll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion — and you can keep the change." God then dropped his 10ft pole and slowly backed away from the rally.
4. Some veteran astronauts are speaking out against President Obama's change in course for America's role in space exploration. Obama canceled a mission to return to the moon and wants the private sector to handle more space exploration. "It is the demise of American people in space except in someone else's vehicle," said former astronaut Eugene Cernan. Cernan then got into his new Japanese-made Honda Civic and drove away.
5. Glenn Beck has a new political thriller coming out soon called The Overton Window, and the conservative pundit is letting fans decide on the cover. So look for The Overton Window at your local bookstores -- it'll be the book with the giant sphincter on the front.
High five.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Becks and Balances
1. Last week, Glenn Beck told his listeners that President Obama will nominate a "gay-handicapped-black woman who's an immigrant" just to energize his base and make it tougher for critics to oppose. "They can't [get people back into their camp] without hatred and fear," said Beck. Beck then cut to an ad from his new sponsor, "Riot Inciter," the cologne for men who love America so much harder than they love you.
2. This week when asked if Kate Gosselin would ever be featured on the cover of Playboy, Hugh Hefner gave an emphatic "no," adding that he doesn't even know why she's on Dancing With the Stars. In other news, today Jon Gosselin was turned down for the cover of Little Debbie Weekly.
3. A 23 year old is accusing actor Steven Seagal of "sex trafficking" after being hired as an executive assistant only to find that she was expected to be a sex slave for him along with two other Russian women. Seagal's lawyer says the women is absurdly misrepresenting the reality of the situation. "I mean," said the lawyer, "I would hardly call him an actor."
4. MTV has asked the local police department for 8 to 10 off-duty officers for the house of the show Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights out of fear that people will want to fight the cast. MTV will pick up the tab on the security surrounding the residence. In future news, the cast of the Jersey Shore is dead today after killing each other over the last remaining bit of hair product.
5. More olive oil, nuts, fish, poultry and certain fruits and vegetables in your diet may help fight off Alzheimer's disease, says a new report. Researchers at the University of Columbia in New York said Monday that patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't. Not only that, but patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't.
High five.
2. This week when asked if Kate Gosselin would ever be featured on the cover of Playboy, Hugh Hefner gave an emphatic "no," adding that he doesn't even know why she's on Dancing With the Stars. In other news, today Jon Gosselin was turned down for the cover of Little Debbie Weekly.
3. A 23 year old is accusing actor Steven Seagal of "sex trafficking" after being hired as an executive assistant only to find that she was expected to be a sex slave for him along with two other Russian women. Seagal's lawyer says the women is absurdly misrepresenting the reality of the situation. "I mean," said the lawyer, "I would hardly call him an actor."
4. MTV has asked the local police department for 8 to 10 off-duty officers for the house of the show Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights out of fear that people will want to fight the cast. MTV will pick up the tab on the security surrounding the residence. In future news, the cast of the Jersey Shore is dead today after killing each other over the last remaining bit of hair product.
5. More olive oil, nuts, fish, poultry and certain fruits and vegetables in your diet may help fight off Alzheimer's disease, says a new report. Researchers at the University of Columbia in New York said Monday that patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't. Not only that, but patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't.
High five.
Monday, April 12, 2010
In The Tesh
1. In an interview on Monday, former Entertainment Tonight host and musician John Tesh said that he and Oprah dated for a brief period while working as reporters in Nashville. Tesh says Oprah brought a lot of understanding to the relationship, while he brought his music. This explains why their dates usually ended with crying.
2. After being accused of sexual assault for the second time in the past year, charges against NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger have been dropped. Ocmulgee, GA district attorney Fred Bright says they could not prove the sexual assault charges beyond a reasonable doubt. Experts however say the DA was simply afraid of Roethlisberger's very effective new defense lawyer, Pope Benedict XVI.
3. A skull found in South Africa that may be a missing link in human evolution may also contain what scientists believe is a shrunken brain, still somewhat intact. One explanation for the shrunken brain, say researchers, is that the early human was mummified leading the water loss in the brain, which then led to the brain shrinking. Scientists say this is likely, but that it also could be explained by Tea Party pamphlet found near the body.
4. Kevin Eubanks, band leader of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, has decided to retire after 18 years. Eubanks made the announcement Monday saying, "After 18 years of playing America into commercials, I'm gonna go somewhere where I can finish a song." Eubanks scheduled personal studio time for his band after Monday's show but was surprised to find Leno already waiting with some jams he wanted to explore on his key-tar.
5. Over the weekend, Sigourney Weaver told a Brazilian news site that James Cameron didn't win the Oscar for Best Director because he "didn't have breasts." Cameron lost to Hurt Locker director Katheryn Bigelow. Cameron read Weaver's comment while sitting on the same Hollywood effects stage he used for Avatar, and he laughed as he caressed a digital Oscar statue with breasts.
High five.
2. After being accused of sexual assault for the second time in the past year, charges against NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger have been dropped. Ocmulgee, GA district attorney Fred Bright says they could not prove the sexual assault charges beyond a reasonable doubt. Experts however say the DA was simply afraid of Roethlisberger's very effective new defense lawyer, Pope Benedict XVI.
3. A skull found in South Africa that may be a missing link in human evolution may also contain what scientists believe is a shrunken brain, still somewhat intact. One explanation for the shrunken brain, say researchers, is that the early human was mummified leading the water loss in the brain, which then led to the brain shrinking. Scientists say this is likely, but that it also could be explained by Tea Party pamphlet found near the body.
4. Kevin Eubanks, band leader of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, has decided to retire after 18 years. Eubanks made the announcement Monday saying, "After 18 years of playing America into commercials, I'm gonna go somewhere where I can finish a song." Eubanks scheduled personal studio time for his band after Monday's show but was surprised to find Leno already waiting with some jams he wanted to explore on his key-tar.
5. Over the weekend, Sigourney Weaver told a Brazilian news site that James Cameron didn't win the Oscar for Best Director because he "didn't have breasts." Cameron lost to Hurt Locker director Katheryn Bigelow. Cameron read Weaver's comment while sitting on the same Hollywood effects stage he used for Avatar, and he laughed as he caressed a digital Oscar statue with breasts.
High five.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Gimme A Pee!
1. A group of Texas cheerleaders is in trouble after reportedly putting urine into a teammate's drink. Many of the girls responsible have been suspended by the school but all have been offered photo shoots by Hustler.
2. David Cross told TV.com recently that a movie version of the hit show Arrested Development "is not going to happen" and that too much time has gone by since the show's cancellation. "It's been years," says Cross. "Micheal Cera is 32 years old now." Experts agree that Cera can really only play the soft-spoken, but awkwardly rambling teenager for about 15 more years.
3. According to a recent Ipsos poll, 20% of people believe that aliens exist and that they walk among us disguised as humans. In future news, the Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann ticket did not succeed in winning the presidency today, but did manage to garner 20% of the vote.
4. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement on Friday, paving the way for President Obama to appoint a new judge in his place. Experts are not sure if Obama will nominate a more liberal judge as with the most recent Justice Sotomayor, or perhaps match the skill level of conservative Justice Samuel Alito with urine-soaked poop on a stick.
5. A solar-powered plane in Switzerland made a successful maiden flight on Wednesday, climbing nearly a mile into the sky at 28mph for 90 minutes. The plane is scheduled to attempt a round-the-world flight in 2012 without a single drop of fuel. That, say engineers, should allow them to reach the ultimate goal of using renewable energy to circumnavigate the Earth with a crying baby.
High five.
2. David Cross told TV.com recently that a movie version of the hit show Arrested Development "is not going to happen" and that too much time has gone by since the show's cancellation. "It's been years," says Cross. "Micheal Cera is 32 years old now." Experts agree that Cera can really only play the soft-spoken, but awkwardly rambling teenager for about 15 more years.
3. According to a recent Ipsos poll, 20% of people believe that aliens exist and that they walk among us disguised as humans. In future news, the Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann ticket did not succeed in winning the presidency today, but did manage to garner 20% of the vote.
4. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement on Friday, paving the way for President Obama to appoint a new judge in his place. Experts are not sure if Obama will nominate a more liberal judge as with the most recent Justice Sotomayor, or perhaps match the skill level of conservative Justice Samuel Alito with urine-soaked poop on a stick.
5. A solar-powered plane in Switzerland made a successful maiden flight on Wednesday, climbing nearly a mile into the sky at 28mph for 90 minutes. The plane is scheduled to attempt a round-the-world flight in 2012 without a single drop of fuel. That, say engineers, should allow them to reach the ultimate goal of using renewable energy to circumnavigate the Earth with a crying baby.
High five.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Nu, Clear-Headed Radioactivist
1. President Obama and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin have been sniping this week over the recent nuclear treaty with Russia. Obama called Palin "not much of an expert" after Palin said Obama was weak on nuclear defense. Palin then mocked the President, joking about "all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer." President Obama read Palin's comment this morning, sighed, then heated his coffee using the superpower he acquired during the tragic community organizer nuclear waste accident of 2002.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Little Too-yota
1. New emails by top Toyota officials from back in January reveal that there was an intentional cover-up regarding acceleration and braking issues. According to the AP, a US executive with the company said in an internal email that Toyota needs to "come clean" about various vehicle issues. The Toyota executive says he never meant to send the email, but it started sending automatically and he couldn't stop it.
2. A northern California man was arrested on Wednesday for making over a dozen threatening phone calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform and officials say the man actually spoke with Pelosi at least once. The FBI says Pelosi didn't help when she replied to his first threat with "Nuh-uh, you're stupid!" and hung up.
3. Opposition leaders have reportedly taken control of the country Kyrgyzstan in a violent coup, including state TV stations and many government buildings. Americans say they will do all they can to assist the Kyrgyz people, just as soon as they get more "real" vowels.
4. The Candies Foundation has released a PSA starring Bristol Palin which warns teens about the downsides of getting pregnant. Daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin, Bristol made headlines when she became an unwed teen mother during the 2008 presidential campaign and later gave birth to her son Tripp. In future news, a teenage Tripp Palin released a PSA today, warning teens about the dangers of being born to the Palins.
5. A Dutch company called Printer.com says that changing the font on your documents could end up saving you money over the course of the year since some fonts use less ink than others. The company convinced the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay to make the switch to the more ink-friendly font Century Gothic which the school says could save them up to $10,000. The company says most schools could save by switching but they warn not to follow Mississippi's example and switching to "Webdings."
High five.
2. A northern California man was arrested on Wednesday for making over a dozen threatening phone calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform and officials say the man actually spoke with Pelosi at least once. The FBI says Pelosi didn't help when she replied to his first threat with "Nuh-uh, you're stupid!" and hung up.
3. Opposition leaders have reportedly taken control of the country Kyrgyzstan in a violent coup, including state TV stations and many government buildings. Americans say they will do all they can to assist the Kyrgyz people, just as soon as they get more "real" vowels.
4. The Candies Foundation has released a PSA starring Bristol Palin which warns teens about the downsides of getting pregnant. Daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin, Bristol made headlines when she became an unwed teen mother during the 2008 presidential campaign and later gave birth to her son Tripp. In future news, a teenage Tripp Palin released a PSA today, warning teens about the dangers of being born to the Palins.
5. A Dutch company called Printer.com says that changing the font on your documents could end up saving you money over the course of the year since some fonts use less ink than others. The company convinced the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay to make the switch to the more ink-friendly font Century Gothic which the school says could save them up to $10,000. The company says most schools could save by switching but they warn not to follow Mississippi's example and switching to "Webdings."
High five.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Midterminal
1. On Tuesday, Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) told reporters the GOP should put a cork in all the rhetoric about a repeat of the 1994 midterm elections, when Democrats suffered huge losses. "I think our Republican colleagues are prematurely measuring the curtains in their new offices and prematurely popping the champagne bottles," said Van Hollen. Today, a Washington bondage club said "putting a cork in it" won't scare the GOP since they're "into that sorta thing."
2. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman to ever hold the position of Chief in the Cherokee tribe died on Tuesday at the age of 64. She was survived by no men.
3. While appearing on Oprah Tuesday, Tina Fey turned the tables by asking Oprah a hard hitting question. "What is going on with you and Jamie Foxx?" asked Fey, regarding a recent appearance by Foxx. "Because I feel like he might be in love with you." Oprah said she was caught off guard but impressed by Fey's question. Oprah then tore Fey's head clean off.
4. Republican Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced that April will be "Confederate History Month." Gov. McDonnell will hold a celebration later in the month featuring appearances by Harlem Globetrotter rivals the Washington Generals, event sponsor Kleenex, and music by a single violin.
5. As a special thank you for treating his wife's cancer, golfer Phil Mickelson brought Dr. Tom Buchholz on as a caddy at the Shell Houston Open. "This man has helped us through some of the toughest times that we've gone through," said Mickelson. As a special treat for helping him through tough times, Tiger Woods has apparently brought along to the Masters the retail staff of Boner's Adult Video Store in his hometown of Windermere, FL.
High five.
2. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman to ever hold the position of Chief in the Cherokee tribe died on Tuesday at the age of 64. She was survived by no men.
3. While appearing on Oprah Tuesday, Tina Fey turned the tables by asking Oprah a hard hitting question. "What is going on with you and Jamie Foxx?" asked Fey, regarding a recent appearance by Foxx. "Because I feel like he might be in love with you." Oprah said she was caught off guard but impressed by Fey's question. Oprah then tore Fey's head clean off.
4. Republican Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced that April will be "Confederate History Month." Gov. McDonnell will hold a celebration later in the month featuring appearances by Harlem Globetrotter rivals the Washington Generals, event sponsor Kleenex, and music by a single violin.
5. As a special thank you for treating his wife's cancer, golfer Phil Mickelson brought Dr. Tom Buchholz on as a caddy at the Shell Houston Open. "This man has helped us through some of the toughest times that we've gone through," said Mickelson. As a special treat for helping him through tough times, Tiger Woods has apparently brought along to the Masters the retail staff of Boner's Adult Video Store in his hometown of Windermere, FL.
High five.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Top Shun
1. In a recent Newsweek interview, Arizona Sen. John McCain says he's never considered himself a maverick. "I consider myself a person who serves the people of Arizona to the best of his abilities," said McCain. McCain later clacked his dentures at a Tucson crowd and announced he's more of an "Iceman."
2. On Sunday, New York Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan addressed the sexual abuse scandal saying, "Nobody nowhere has confronted this crisis... better than the Catholic Church." Read all about it in this month's issue of Awkward Double Negative Usage Magazine.
3. A Vanderbilt college pitcher suffered a horrific injury this weekend against Florida when a line drive ricocheted off his knee cap, splitting it in two. The left-handed pitcher somehow managed to make an amazing defensive play despite the injury. Today in the ER, the Chicago Cubs signed the pitcher to a lucrative multi-year deal.
4. A report released by Facebook shows that of the 400 million people who make up the social network only 30% live within the US. Today the United States tried capitalizing on the report by creating the Facebook group "If This Page Gets One Million Fans, The US Will Rename Its Constitution Skeletor."
5. On Saturday, about two dozen women marched topless in Portland, Maine to promote equality among the sexes. "A topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt," said the groups organizer. And the 500 male supporters who had gathered around them enthusiastically agreed.
High five.
2. On Sunday, New York Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan addressed the sexual abuse scandal saying, "Nobody nowhere has confronted this crisis... better than the Catholic Church." Read all about it in this month's issue of Awkward Double Negative Usage Magazine.
3. A Vanderbilt college pitcher suffered a horrific injury this weekend against Florida when a line drive ricocheted off his knee cap, splitting it in two. The left-handed pitcher somehow managed to make an amazing defensive play despite the injury. Today in the ER, the Chicago Cubs signed the pitcher to a lucrative multi-year deal.
4. A report released by Facebook shows that of the 400 million people who make up the social network only 30% live within the US. Today the United States tried capitalizing on the report by creating the Facebook group "If This Page Gets One Million Fans, The US Will Rename Its Constitution Skeletor."
5. On Saturday, about two dozen women marched topless in Portland, Maine to promote equality among the sexes. "A topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt," said the groups organizer. And the 500 male supporters who had gathered around them enthusiastically agreed.
High five.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Busy Few Weeks
It's been a busy few weeks, so, like the ugly girl in the brothel, there haven't been a lot of entries -- even though both you and her are probably better off for it. Okay, I'll stop.
Five Jokes will return Monday in full force.
Five Jokes will return Monday in full force.
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