1. At Wimbledon on Wednesday, American John Isner and Frenchman Nicolas Mahut set a new grand slam singles record by playing for 10 straight hours, with the fifth set alone lasting 7 of those hours. When reached for comment, most of the world replied, "It's a good thing I hate tennis, otherwise I might've had to watch that."
2. Minnesota representative Michelle Bachmann said in an interview that she believes President Obama will "politicize" the fund used to compensate those affected by the Gulf oil spill. Bachmann then politicized the fund used to compensate those affected by the Gulf oil spill.
3. Today a decorated former Chicago police lieutenant Jon Burge was convicted on perjury and obstruction charges after he lied about torturing dozens of suspects into confessions. And with that, the clean, uncorrupted reputation of Chicago authority figures is tarnished.
4. A new study out of Harvard shows that women gain an average of 20lbs over the course of 16 years. The study however goes on to make bold exception for Harvard scientists' wives and girlfriends who "clearly have not gained any weight."
5. It's been reported that Jon Gosselin, formerly of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8, has gotten a massive tattoo on his back. Gosselin says the tattoo of a large dragon represents rebirth took 14 hours to complete. Twenty children were born.
High five.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Photo High Five #19
Miley Cyrus performs at the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto when a fan in the front row suddenly reveals their new crucifix necklace.
Madoff Money
1. A inmate serving prison time with former Ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is claiming that Madoff has $9 billion hidden from the feds. Hiding $9 billion from prison... that is one huge asshole.
2. BP CEO Tony Hayward canceled an appearance at a London oil conference on Tuesday, citing that he is still committed to assisting in the Gulf relief effort. Well, as long as his next yacht race passes through that area.
3. In her new book, actress Tori Spelling says that her 90210 cast mate Tiffani Theissen hates her. "She doesn't talk to me anymore," says Spelling. Spelling says none of her old friends seem to be available from the hours of 9 to 5.
4. During an interview last week, Kentucky senate candidate Rand Paul told Americans who were on unemployment they should take a pay cut, stop receiving government handouts, and get back to work. Paul continues to lead by economic example, abstaining from more expensive materials and using only happened-upon roadkill for his toupees.
5. According to recent reports, beach weddings along the Gulf are being scrapped at an increasing rate due to potential oil interference. Beach divorces however continue to thrive.
High five.
2. BP CEO Tony Hayward canceled an appearance at a London oil conference on Tuesday, citing that he is still committed to assisting in the Gulf relief effort. Well, as long as his next yacht race passes through that area.
3. In her new book, actress Tori Spelling says that her 90210 cast mate Tiffani Theissen hates her. "She doesn't talk to me anymore," says Spelling. Spelling says none of her old friends seem to be available from the hours of 9 to 5.
4. During an interview last week, Kentucky senate candidate Rand Paul told Americans who were on unemployment they should take a pay cut, stop receiving government handouts, and get back to work. Paul continues to lead by economic example, abstaining from more expensive materials and using only happened-upon roadkill for his toupees.
5. According to recent reports, beach weddings along the Gulf are being scrapped at an increasing rate due to potential oil interference. Beach divorces however continue to thrive.
High five.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Prop Hate
1. Today, lawyers defending the legality of California's Proposition 8 amendment -- which bans gay marriage -- told a U.S. District judge that traditional marriage promotes procreation. This joke is brought to you by Hitler's Parents! Hitler's Parents: because procreation is AWESOME!
2. The Japanese say they will consider pulling out of an International Whaling Commission if anti-whaling bans aren't relaxed. And there was an awkward moment at a whaling regulatory meeting this week when during a discussion of the existing ban, Japanese representatives shot a harpoon at it.
3. Two studies released today by the FDA show that so-called "female Viagras" fall far short of expectations and provide lackluster results, according to female subjects. When reached for comment, males were sleeping.
4. On Tuesday, a six story statue of Jesus burned down after it was struck by lightning in the town of Monroe, OH. Sounds like a local priest may have some things he needs to come clean about!
5. On Wednesday, BP announced that they would be setting aside $20 billion in funds to compensate those individuals and businesses affected by the Gulf oil spill. When asked how the money would be divided, BP CEO Tony Hayward said they hadn't decided but that they've "gotten really good at spreading shit around the Gulf."
High five.
2. The Japanese say they will consider pulling out of an International Whaling Commission if anti-whaling bans aren't relaxed. And there was an awkward moment at a whaling regulatory meeting this week when during a discussion of the existing ban, Japanese representatives shot a harpoon at it.
3. Two studies released today by the FDA show that so-called "female Viagras" fall far short of expectations and provide lackluster results, according to female subjects. When reached for comment, males were sleeping.
4. On Tuesday, a six story statue of Jesus burned down after it was struck by lightning in the town of Monroe, OH. Sounds like a local priest may have some things he needs to come clean about!
5. On Wednesday, BP announced that they would be setting aside $20 billion in funds to compensate those individuals and businesses affected by the Gulf oil spill. When asked how the money would be divided, BP CEO Tony Hayward said they hadn't decided but that they've "gotten really good at spreading shit around the Gulf."
High five.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Photo High Five #18
At the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) in Los Angeles this week, a gamer looks on in awe during Sony's 3D presentation as he finally experiences the sensation of girls coming toward him.
Monday, June 14, 2010
HuffPost: The Snooki-McCain Twitter Conversation: Part 2
So I've been writing things for The Huffington Post comedy section and figured I might as well post the links here as well. This is the latest. You can find past my Huffington Post stuff by clicking the link to the right. No, my right.
High five.
High five.
Wi, Starbucks?
1. Starbucks announced today that it will offer free Wi-Fi at all its stores as of July 1st. The company says the move will allow the free transfer of billions of unfinished screenplays.
2. On Monday, Microsoft introduced a new, slimmer Xbox 360 console just in time for summer. Microsoft says smaller is the natural evolution for most game consoles, but critics say this move comes suspiciously soon after the release the Xbox's new game series Anorexia 360.
3. Amid rising criticism from the American public as well as the U.S. government, BP today held a press conference to discuss their outline for capturing the Gulf oil spill. BP's CEO Tony Hayward highlighted the plan for the press corps, but when his pen began leaking everywhere, Hayward threw it to the ground, placed a bucket over it and ran from the room.
4. Jimmy Dean, singer and businessman famous for his breakfast sausage, died Sunday at the age of 81. Dean's family is still unsure what they will do with his remains, so it's probably a good idea not to buy Jimmy Dean products for the next month or so.
5. In a new ad, Alabama congressional Tea Party candidate Rick Barber encourages his supporters to "gather their armies" while showing a hand near a Revolutionary War era revolver. Barber says he's finally ready to serve his country after sending out mailers via Pony Express 200 years ago.
High five.
2. On Monday, Microsoft introduced a new, slimmer Xbox 360 console just in time for summer. Microsoft says smaller is the natural evolution for most game consoles, but critics say this move comes suspiciously soon after the release the Xbox's new game series Anorexia 360.
3. Amid rising criticism from the American public as well as the U.S. government, BP today held a press conference to discuss their outline for capturing the Gulf oil spill. BP's CEO Tony Hayward highlighted the plan for the press corps, but when his pen began leaking everywhere, Hayward threw it to the ground, placed a bucket over it and ran from the room.
4. Jimmy Dean, singer and businessman famous for his breakfast sausage, died Sunday at the age of 81. Dean's family is still unsure what they will do with his remains, so it's probably a good idea not to buy Jimmy Dean products for the next month or so.
5. In a new ad, Alabama congressional Tea Party candidate Rick Barber encourages his supporters to "gather their armies" while showing a hand near a Revolutionary War era revolver. Barber says he's finally ready to serve his country after sending out mailers via Pony Express 200 years ago.
High five.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Photo High Five #17
A Frenchman paints his face with his country's national colors as France takes on Uruguay in the 2010 World Cup. This photo is deceiving as the Frenchmen is naturally running away from the action.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Photo High Five #16
After spending his day whimpering, leaving responsibility to the grownups, and hurling feces at everyone in sight, BP CEO Tony Hayward proves he can appear even higher by climbing a nearby tree.
Bonds, Shame's Bonds
1. On Friday a federal appeals court dealt prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case a huge blow when it ruled they could not use three positive steroids tests as evidence. When reached for comment, Bonds screamed, "MUSCLES!" and broke a man in half.
2. Gawker Media was contacted by the FBI this week after it reported direct contact with a group which claims to have uncovered thousands of personal email addresses through an AT&T security flaw. FBI officials say they also have some really great Rahm Emanuel upskirt photos.
3. A new study out of Wake Forest shows that men are actually more likely to be affected by the stress of a rocky relationship than women. The survey was comprised of about 1,600 subjects, half male and the other half heartless bitches.
4. On Thursday, the L.A. Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics 96-89 in game 4 of the NBA finals, tying the series at 2-2. Kobe Bryant scored 33 points, was charged with five personal fouls but no rape.
5. During a press conference on Thursday, New York congressman Anthony Weiner was injured by a goat after using the goat in a demonstration. The goat became angry and gored Weiner. However the congressman says he's just thankful the headline won't read "Weiner Gores Goat."
High five.
2. Gawker Media was contacted by the FBI this week after it reported direct contact with a group which claims to have uncovered thousands of personal email addresses through an AT&T security flaw. FBI officials say they also have some really great Rahm Emanuel upskirt photos.
3. A new study out of Wake Forest shows that men are actually more likely to be affected by the stress of a rocky relationship than women. The survey was comprised of about 1,600 subjects, half male and the other half heartless bitches.
4. On Thursday, the L.A. Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics 96-89 in game 4 of the NBA finals, tying the series at 2-2. Kobe Bryant scored 33 points, was charged with five personal fouls but no rape.
5. During a press conference on Thursday, New York congressman Anthony Weiner was injured by a goat after using the goat in a demonstration. The goat became angry and gored Weiner. However the congressman says he's just thankful the headline won't read "Weiner Gores Goat."
High five.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
iBad
1. It's been reported this week that a security flaw in AT&T's wireless network allowed many iPad users' email addresses to be exposed. However, most iPad users say they hadn't even noticed since they were busy already lining up for whatever Apple releases next.
2. A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows that heart attacks are down 24% in the last decade and that the most serious ST-segment heart attack is down a whopping 62%. Your move, McDonald's.
3. Thousands of nurses walked off the job in the twin cities Minneapolis and St. Paul on Thursday for what some are calling the largest nursing strike in U.S. history. Today, hundreds of porn industry screenwriters sued the nurses union for ripping off their story about twins, nurses, jobs, and things claiming to be the largest.
4. Wilder publishing company is under fire this week for including a warning alongside their printings of the U.S. Constitution. "This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today," cautions the publisher. Dick Cheney chimed in today saying the Constitution needs no warning label... but that "it might not be a bad idea to warn of the chaffing that occurs when wiping your ass with it."
5. The NCAA has stripped USC of its 2004 college football title win and has banned the school from the postseason for 2 years after the university was found to have violated NCAA recruiting rules. This also marks the first time "stripping" has been mentioned on the USC campus without a beer bong present.
High five.
2. A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows that heart attacks are down 24% in the last decade and that the most serious ST-segment heart attack is down a whopping 62%. Your move, McDonald's.
3. Thousands of nurses walked off the job in the twin cities Minneapolis and St. Paul on Thursday for what some are calling the largest nursing strike in U.S. history. Today, hundreds of porn industry screenwriters sued the nurses union for ripping off their story about twins, nurses, jobs, and things claiming to be the largest.
4. Wilder publishing company is under fire this week for including a warning alongside their printings of the U.S. Constitution. "This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today," cautions the publisher. Dick Cheney chimed in today saying the Constitution needs no warning label... but that "it might not be a bad idea to warn of the chaffing that occurs when wiping your ass with it."
5. The NCAA has stripped USC of its 2004 college football title win and has banned the school from the postseason for 2 years after the university was found to have violated NCAA recruiting rules. This also marks the first time "stripping" has been mentioned on the USC campus without a beer bong present.
High five.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Photo High Five #15
This week, despite warnings from his top advisers, Apple CEO Steve Jobs went ahead with the release of the company's new 10ft tall iPhone. There were no survivors.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wal-Mart U
1. Wal-Mart announced today that they are teaming up with American Public University to offer online college degrees to their employees at a reduced price. Now they can get an affordable college education from the comfort of their own banana hammock.
2. A new FBI report shows that of America's largest cities, the ones with the lowest violent crime rates are in border states, contradicting the notion that U.S.-Mexico border is a dangerous place. Anti-immigration proponents say the data is misguided, as Mexicans need only use border cities to rest before they make their way inland for a life of crime.
3. Newly released documents obtained by TMZ show that Lindsay Lohan had tested positive for cocaine use during her DUI arrest, despite the actress' denial. The documents will go back into Lohan's court file where they will remain until getting a dusting off in about a year.
4. On Wednesday, Canadian rock band Rush accused Kentucky U.S. senate candidate Rand Paul of copyright violation, saying in a letter that Paul used their work without permission. Today, Kentucky's Ku Klux Klan chapter sent Paul a similar letter.
5. R. Kelly's Chicago home is up for sale now at a price tag of $3.89 million. That price gets bumped up to $4 million however if you want them to first hose down the carpets.
High five.
2. A new FBI report shows that of America's largest cities, the ones with the lowest violent crime rates are in border states, contradicting the notion that U.S.-Mexico border is a dangerous place. Anti-immigration proponents say the data is misguided, as Mexicans need only use border cities to rest before they make their way inland for a life of crime.
3. Newly released documents obtained by TMZ show that Lindsay Lohan had tested positive for cocaine use during her DUI arrest, despite the actress' denial. The documents will go back into Lohan's court file where they will remain until getting a dusting off in about a year.
4. On Wednesday, Canadian rock band Rush accused Kentucky U.S. senate candidate Rand Paul of copyright violation, saying in a letter that Paul used their work without permission. Today, Kentucky's Ku Klux Klan chapter sent Paul a similar letter.
5. R. Kelly's Chicago home is up for sale now at a price tag of $3.89 million. That price gets bumped up to $4 million however if you want them to first hose down the carpets.
High five.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Supreme Court Fudge
1. A new study released today by Findlaw.com showed that of 1,000 Americans polled, two-thirds couldn't name a single current Supreme Court Justice. Experts say this is a frightening comment on our country, but that the Justices' notoriety should increase after this season's Dancing with the Justices.
2. Video game company Take Two Interactive has agreed to a deal with basketball legend Michael Jordan for the cover of the upcoming NBA2K11. Jordan will grace the cover but will also work closely with the developers on the gameplay. In other news, Ben Roethlisberger is working closely with a local Pittsburgh strip club to determine the week's best possible stage lineup.
3. A new Gallup poll is showing the largest Republican lead in party preference since Gallup began keeping track in 1950. 49% of people asked said they'd be voting for Republicans in November, and just 43% for Democrats. For allowing them to place the poll on their site, Gallup would like to thank Rentboy.com.
4. Director James Cameron was in Washington on Tuesday to meet with scientists and US officials on possible fixes for the disastrous Gulf oil leak. Cameron is actually an expert on deep-diving submersibles and maintains a small fleet of them. US officials didn't want any of Cameron's equipment, but rather laid out various-sized buoys and asked which most resembled Kate Winslet's rack.
5. Sarah Palin caused trouble for incumbent Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski Wednesday by endorsing Murkowski's Tea Party opponent Joe Miller. Political analysts say this snub stems from Murkowski criticizing Palin after stepping down as Governor in the middle of her term. Well, that, and Palin once hunted her from a helicopter.
High five.
2. Video game company Take Two Interactive has agreed to a deal with basketball legend Michael Jordan for the cover of the upcoming NBA2K11. Jordan will grace the cover but will also work closely with the developers on the gameplay. In other news, Ben Roethlisberger is working closely with a local Pittsburgh strip club to determine the week's best possible stage lineup.
3. A new Gallup poll is showing the largest Republican lead in party preference since Gallup began keeping track in 1950. 49% of people asked said they'd be voting for Republicans in November, and just 43% for Democrats. For allowing them to place the poll on their site, Gallup would like to thank Rentboy.com.
4. Director James Cameron was in Washington on Tuesday to meet with scientists and US officials on possible fixes for the disastrous Gulf oil leak. Cameron is actually an expert on deep-diving submersibles and maintains a small fleet of them. US officials didn't want any of Cameron's equipment, but rather laid out various-sized buoys and asked which most resembled Kate Winslet's rack.
5. Sarah Palin caused trouble for incumbent Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski Wednesday by endorsing Murkowski's Tea Party opponent Joe Miller. Political analysts say this snub stems from Murkowski criticizing Palin after stepping down as Governor in the middle of her term. Well, that, and Palin once hunted her from a helicopter.
High five.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Tipper Point
1. It's been reported today that after 40 years of marriage, Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The couple insists they've simply grown apart but sources say a video has surfaced of Al Gore going down on a polar ice cap.
2. Al-Qaida announced today that their No. 3, Mustafa al-Yazid, has been killed. The al-Qaida leader was killed while doing a N0. 1, and most al-Qaida members read the news while doing a No. 2.
3. A 26 year old mixed martial artist is being accused of murdering his friend while they were under the influence of mushrooms. Jarrod Wyatt reportedly killed his friend, then tore out and cooked the man's heart in an effort to "stop the devil." Police arrived on the scene just shortly after watching it on pay-per-view.
4. A recent study has shown that a widely prescribed type of anti-depressant may be linked to cataracts in seniors. However, seniors say it's helped tremendously, as they can no longer clearly see what they were so depressed about.
5. Actor Charlie Sheen will reportedly spend 30 days in a Colorado jail after reaching a plea agreement regarding charges of assault against his wife. Unfortunately, Two and a Half Men will continue on regardless.
High five.
2. Al-Qaida announced today that their No. 3, Mustafa al-Yazid, has been killed. The al-Qaida leader was killed while doing a N0. 1, and most al-Qaida members read the news while doing a No. 2.
3. A 26 year old mixed martial artist is being accused of murdering his friend while they were under the influence of mushrooms. Jarrod Wyatt reportedly killed his friend, then tore out and cooked the man's heart in an effort to "stop the devil." Police arrived on the scene just shortly after watching it on pay-per-view.
4. A recent study has shown that a widely prescribed type of anti-depressant may be linked to cataracts in seniors. However, seniors say it's helped tremendously, as they can no longer clearly see what they were so depressed about.
5. Actor Charlie Sheen will reportedly spend 30 days in a Colorado jail after reaching a plea agreement regarding charges of assault against his wife. Unfortunately, Two and a Half Men will continue on regardless.
High five.
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