1. Today, lawyers defending the legality of California's Proposition 8 amendment -- which bans gay marriage -- told a U.S. District judge that traditional marriage promotes procreation. This joke is brought to you by Hitler's Parents! Hitler's Parents: because procreation is AWESOME!
2. The Japanese say they will consider pulling out of an International Whaling Commission if anti-whaling bans aren't relaxed. And there was an awkward moment at a whaling regulatory meeting this week when during a discussion of the existing ban, Japanese representatives shot a harpoon at it.
3. Two studies released today by the FDA show that so-called "female Viagras" fall far short of expectations and provide lackluster results, according to female subjects. When reached for comment, males were sleeping.
4. On Tuesday, a six story statue of Jesus burned down after it was struck by lightning in the town of Monroe, OH. Sounds like a local priest may have some things he needs to come clean about!
5. On Wednesday, BP announced that they would be setting aside $20 billion in funds to compensate those individuals and businesses affected by the Gulf oil spill. When asked how the money would be divided, BP CEO Tony Hayward said they hadn't decided but that they've "gotten really good at spreading shit around the Gulf."
High five.
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