1. CNN's Nancy Grace had surgery this week to remove a growth doctors feared might be cancer, but that fortunately turned out to be non-malignant. During the operation, however, doctor's did find three previously missing children inside her.
2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too. Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.
3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education. Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.
4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87. Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.
5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.
High five.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
MyFace
1. Facebook today received a letter of allowance from the US Patent Office for trademark of the word "face" as it relates to online bulletin boards. In other news, MySpace's CEO found a nearly untouched bear claw in the dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Missississing Your Period
1. The ACLU today released a report showing that Walgreen's stores in Texas and Mississippi are refusing to sell the "morning after pill" to men. Store owners however say they reserve the right not to sell the contraception to men who are not accompanied by the cousin they had sex with.
2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever. In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.
3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today. Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.
4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease. In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.
5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award. Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor.
High five.
2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever. In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.
3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today. Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.
4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease. In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.
5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award. Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor.
High five.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Bar Exams
1. An Idaho woman was jailed this past week for allegedly posing as a doctor and giving women breast exams in bars. The victims knew that something was up when the men in the bar offered to pay the exam bills with hundreds of singles.
2. The FBI raided three hedge fund groups that may be part of a larger insider trading scandal. The hedge fund companies said they were worried at first but then developed an algorithm and made money off the raid.
3. A new poll shows that if elections were held today, President Obama would defeat Sarah Palin by a significant margin. Experts say it's too soon to make any predictions, and add that Palin would likely dominate the skeet shooting portion of the debates.
4. A study done by CQ Press found that St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the country when it comes to violent crime rates. Other cities included Camden, NJ, Oakland, CA, and oh what the hell for nostalgia sake Detroit, MI.
5. On Monday, Oprah held a second "Favorite Things" episode this year, the first time in the show's history. Audience members received an iPad, a 2012 VW Beetle, and a gold plated placeholder for the unemployment line.
High five.
2. The FBI raided three hedge fund groups that may be part of a larger insider trading scandal. The hedge fund companies said they were worried at first but then developed an algorithm and made money off the raid.
3. A new poll shows that if elections were held today, President Obama would defeat Sarah Palin by a significant margin. Experts say it's too soon to make any predictions, and add that Palin would likely dominate the skeet shooting portion of the debates.
4. A study done by CQ Press found that St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the country when it comes to violent crime rates. Other cities included Camden, NJ, Oakland, CA, and oh what the hell for nostalgia sake Detroit, MI.
5. On Monday, Oprah held a second "Favorite Things" episode this year, the first time in the show's history. Audience members received an iPad, a 2012 VW Beetle, and a gold plated placeholder for the unemployment line.
High five.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Dog-stoyevsky?
1. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin received a new puppy as a gift this weekend and he has invited all Russian citizens to help give it a name. So far, the top suggestion has been "Dinner."
2. A study released this week shows that a new drug called anacetrapib has been so successful in lowering bad cholesterol that researchers were shocked by the results. Scientists say the drug acts by inhibiting the receptors in your brain that make you want to watch NASCAR.
3. Newly re-elected Lisa Murkowski has become the first write-in candidate to win a Senate seat since 1954. The last person to do it? California Senator I.C. Weiner.
4. Federal authorities are holding onto the new TSA pat-down security checks at airports, even with the deluge of complaints from critics who see it as invasive. Passengers point out that the pat-downs wouldn't be so bad if the screeners weren't thinking about other passengers while doing it.
5. A Wisconsin man was arrested Tuesday morning after blasting his TV with a shotgun, apparently upset over Bristol Palin's performance on Dancing with the Stars. Similarly distraught over her daughter's performance, Sarah Palin went outside and shot a pack of wolves from a helicopter.
High five.
2. A study released this week shows that a new drug called anacetrapib has been so successful in lowering bad cholesterol that researchers were shocked by the results. Scientists say the drug acts by inhibiting the receptors in your brain that make you want to watch NASCAR.
3. Newly re-elected Lisa Murkowski has become the first write-in candidate to win a Senate seat since 1954. The last person to do it? California Senator I.C. Weiner.
4. Federal authorities are holding onto the new TSA pat-down security checks at airports, even with the deluge of complaints from critics who see it as invasive. Passengers point out that the pat-downs wouldn't be so bad if the screeners weren't thinking about other passengers while doing it.
5. A Wisconsin man was arrested Tuesday morning after blasting his TV with a shotgun, apparently upset over Bristol Palin's performance on Dancing with the Stars. Similarly distraught over her daughter's performance, Sarah Palin went outside and shot a pack of wolves from a helicopter.
High five.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Ethics Rangel-ing
1. The House ethics panel investigating Rep. Charlie Rangel released a statement today saying that the congressman violated multiple ethics rules. They added, "And these aren't just the small time ethics rules we all broke just to get into congress."
2. The owners of the Chicago Cubs are asking their home city for $300 million to renovate Wrigley Field. So in love with their team, the city of Chicago promptly provided the team with the asked amount, whereupon the Cubs lost it in the sun.
3. The entire Beatles collection is available on iTunes today after years of turbulent litigation and negotiation. Critics however worry that millions of iPod users will be so focused on their new choices in music that they won't have time to continue not socializing.
4. Some GOP senators are pushing to have the Federal Reserve stripped of any power to address unemployment. This of course is not the first time members of the Republican party have wanted something to strip in front of them.
5. A new company called Made in Space is touting a new 3D printer technology that may allow them to one day print out a space station, greatly decreasing the resources need to drive current operations. The company does say however that America will still need to run to Office Max every two months or so for the billion dollar cartridges.
High five.
2. The owners of the Chicago Cubs are asking their home city for $300 million to renovate Wrigley Field. So in love with their team, the city of Chicago promptly provided the team with the asked amount, whereupon the Cubs lost it in the sun.
3. The entire Beatles collection is available on iTunes today after years of turbulent litigation and negotiation. Critics however worry that millions of iPod users will be so focused on their new choices in music that they won't have time to continue not socializing.
4. Some GOP senators are pushing to have the Federal Reserve stripped of any power to address unemployment. This of course is not the first time members of the Republican party have wanted something to strip in front of them.
5. A new company called Made in Space is touting a new 3D printer technology that may allow them to one day print out a space station, greatly decreasing the resources need to drive current operations. The company does say however that America will still need to run to Office Max every two months or so for the billion dollar cartridges.
High five.
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