Recluse Is Loose

1. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted to a second term by the Senate on Thursday by a vote of 70-30, the closest in history. See, kids, just like that fireworks factory owner told you, sometimes just not killing everyone in a massive explosion can get you employee of the month!

2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.

3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.

4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.

5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.

High five.

I, Forgot

1. After President Obama's State of the Union speech on Wednesday, Chris Matthews told his audience the president has done so much to heal racial divisions in our culture that he "forgot he was black." The majority of Matthews' audience immediately turned the channel, not because they were upset by his comments, but because they "forgot they were watching Chris Matthews."

2. Yury Luzhkov, Mayor of Moscow, said on Monday that he would not allow a gay pride parade, calling such an event "Satanic." Despite Luzhkov's comments, organizers say they still plan on holding the parade on May 29. However, in Luzhkov's defense, organizers admit one section of the parade will feature participants wearing only devil horns and cock socks.

3. A review of 20 years of social science research has found that two women are as good at raising healthy, well-adjusted children as heterosexual couples are. In other news, 20 minutes of internet video research has found that two women are often preferred to heterosexual couples when it comes to raising "lots of things."

4. On Wednesday, Apple introduced its new iPad, a tablet-like computer that resembles a giant iPhone. The tablet weighs 1.5 pounds, is .5 inches thick, and has a 9.7 inch display. The news was applauded today by the group "Assholes for a More Interrupted Movie Theater Experience."

5. A new poll released by the company Public Policy Polling claims that Fox News is the most trusted name in news. 49% of those polled said they trusted Fox News while 37% said they did not, making it the only network with a overall positive rating. In other news, brain eating zombies have taken over and are sustaining themselves on 49% of U.S. citizens.

High five.

Less Cowell-bell

1. CBS is pushing a new syndicated court focused show starring Nancy Grace called Swift Justice. The network says Grace's new program is already set to air in nearly 90% of households across the country. Authorities note that this will also make it easier to get the word out on missing children that Grace has obviously kidnapped herself.

2. There is reportedly some conflict over at Fox News between Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. Recent polls suggest that Beck is quickly becoming the networks most identifiable star, causing "some angst amongst O'Reilly's camp." In other news, today in a park two fleas fought viciously over prime real estate on a dog's ass.

3. A Dutch court ruled this week that a McDonald's in the town of Lemmer was wrong to fire an employee for not charging for cheese on a hamburger she sold to a friend. In a written statement, the court said, "It is just a slice of cheese," and ordered McDonald's to pay the fired worker's salary for the remaining five months of her contract. What scientists, philosophers, and theoreticians thought was disastrously impossible has now become a reality: for five months, this girl will be both unemployed and working at McDonald's.

4. Perez Hilton said today that he wants to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol. "If they're looking for a new judge on 'American Idol,' I am available," said Hilton. However, it's difficult to say if Hilton can fill the shoes of someone who is famous for no other reason than picking apart people more talented than him.

5. According to new statistics obtained by the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive-health think tank, U.S. teen pregnancy and abortion rates are both rising. Today in response, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heard to exclaim, "Well, I guess we're all even then!" America: Where not moving at all is sometimes progress too!

High five.

Baio-watch

1. Last week the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-4 to relax campaign finance restrictions for corporations. "Today's decision by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. FEC, serves as an affirmation of the constitutional rights provided to Americans under the first amendment," said RNC Chairman Michael Steele. This ruling has been brought to you by sweet, sweet Splenda! When you need to swallow a huge pile of bullshit, it's Splenda to the rescue!

2. Actor Scott Baio is under fire for posting an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama to his twitter page with the caption "WOW, he wakes up to this every morning." Twitter users were disappointed, not by the dig at the first lady, but to learn that Scott Baio had not killed himself long ago.

3. On Thursday, a Michigan arms firm agreed to remove Bible references from gun sights that it sells to the U.S. military. Trijicon had until now put references such as JN8:12 and 2COR4:6 on their sights which stood for John 8:12 and 2 Corinthians 4:6 respectively. Government officials say the move wasn't because of any church/state separation issues, but rather because of Al Qaeda's widespread use of new Bible-proof vests.

4. It was announced today in Iraq that Saddam Hussein's former henchman "Chemical Ali" has been hanged. Ali Hassan al-Majid is infamous for ordering a poison gas attack on a northern Iraqi Kurdish village killing 5,000 people. Of course, standing in front of the executed Chemical Ali was the former Iraqi Information Minister who insisted he was just sleeping.

5. After a 21 year ban due to health concerns, the U.S. is finally allowing haggis -- a boiled bag of sheep innards -- to be imported into the country once again. After news of the ban's end, haggis consumption in the U.S. remained at zero. Then people were reminded of what haggis was and consumption in the U.S. quickly dropped to below zero.

High five.

Democrats Hit With Brown Mass

1. Glenn Beck on Wednesday criticized newly elected senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown for letting the audience know during his victory speech that his two daughters were both available. In unrelated news, telephone companies reported increased outages due to an overload of calls by Jewish and Italian mothers.

2. It's been reported that Fox News' Megyn Kelly will leave America's Newsroom and be given her own show. "I'm thrilled to embark on this new opportunity and look forward to delivering the news during what is shaping up to be one of the most historic news periods of our time," Kelly said. Fox News delivering news? That is historic.

3. NBC Nightly News won in the ratings this week, beating out all other broadcast news during the earthquake relief coverage in Haiti. NBC is also gaining huge ratings in late night as Conan O'Brien and the network near the end of a tumultuous relationship. The network hopes to continue their high ratings into the new year by replacing Carson Daly's Last Call with live uninterrupted footage of a fault line.

4. Based on preliminary research, health experts are warning people about the dangers of sitting for extended periods of time. They point to several studies which show that "people who spend most of their days sitting are more likely to be fat, have a heart attack or even die." You heard the experts: stay standing at all times and never die.

5. According to a new report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league is planning a 12 city tour this summer. The All-American Basketball Alliance wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color," says commissioner Don Lewis. "Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he adds. Well if the friends who go to basketball games with you weren't worried before, Mr. Lewis, they probably will be now.

High five.

The Hills Have Eyes Done

1. According to polling firm Public Policy Polling, John Edwards, once the future of the Democratic Party, is the most unpopular person they've ever polled. Edwards is seen positively by 25% of Democrats, but only 9% of Independents and 3% of Republicans. The firm does say however that Edwards polls very well among his 87 children.

2. Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines is being blasted for landing a luxury ship in Haiti earlier in the week just 60 miles from the earthquake devastation. The company says that while they understand the criticism, they believe they are providing much-needed support to Haiti's economy. Defenders of Royal Caribbean admit that while the company's intentions were good, they might have chosen a better ship to land than the SS Pact With The Devil.

3. A Mount Vernon, OH public school teacher is dividing the small town over the use of the Bible in his science class. John Freshwater has reportedly used the Bible to discuss things like homosexuality and even advised students to use the book for additional science research. Yes, I imagine it is quite helpful for scientific questions like, "When a woman has a discharge of blood, which is her regular discharge from her body, how many days will she be impure and unclean?"

4. In an interview with People magazine, The Hills star Heidi Montag says that while she enjoys getting plastic surgery, it is not an addiction. "If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries," said Montag through her new eye-mouth.

5. Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman said on Tuesday that a defeat in the Massachusetts senate race means the Democratic party needs to become more centrist. "I think voters are anxious about the future and they're unhappy about what's happening in Washington," said Lieberman. Lieberman then introduced a bill to the senate floor which would genetically eliminate mankind's ability to love.

High five.

MSNBC Beckons

1. While preparing for his role as a soldier in the film Brothers, Tobey Maguire reportedly lost 20lbs in a month. "I couldn't eat much food and I had to work out a lot," said Maguire. Unfortunately, the 20lbs Maguire lost included the part that allows him to cry without looking like a melting sandwich.

2. The founder of Taco Bell, Glen W. Bell Jr., died at his Rancho Santa Fe home on Sunday at the age of 86. The funeral services will be held this Saturday at 3AM immediately following bar close.

3. Starting in June, tobacco companies will need to turn their formulas over to the FDA for a thorough examination of ingredients. The FDA says it will find out exactly what chemicals are in cigarettes and release a list of the harmful and potentially harmful ingredients in 2011. Until then, we'll just have to take the tobacco companies' word and enjoy these "smooth-tasting health-strengtheners, designed to end global poverty as well as all racial and social prejudices, while bestowing the user with sweet ninja powers."

4. It was reported on Monday that a producer from Glenn Beck's Fox News show has left for rival network MSNBC. The producer left after some alleged friction with Beck's team. This surprises most analysts who thought the show was operated by Beck alone, in his basement, with the help of a custom designed Mouse Trap/Domino Rally-hybrid contraption.

5. On Tuesday, U.S. food conglomerate Kraft Foods and British candy maker Cadbury agreed to $19.5 billion deal which could potentially create the world's largest candy maker. "We have great respect for Cadbury's brands [and] believe they will thrive as part of Kraft Foods," said Kraft's CEO Irene Rosenfield. A morbidly obese America will look back on this date and remember fondly the day that birthed the cheese-filled Cadbury egg.

High five.

Wood Sprouts In Sex Rehab Clinic

1. On Thursday, Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the Haiti earthquake disaster relief saying, "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." Analysts say Limbaugh's lack of compassion stems from a failed relief effort last year, when he washed up on shore and no one cared to keep his skin moist.

2. Rumors are circulating around the internet that Tiger Woods is making a substantial donation for earthquake relief in Haiti. "I heard tiger woods donating to send a cargo plane with a mobile hospital out there," Def Jam co-founder Russell Simmons said on Twitter. Sources say Tiger Woods feels somewhat responsible for the quake, adding that we'll know just how responsible 9 months from now.

3. According to government data from 2007-2008 published Wednesday, U.S. obesity rates are still high but they are not rising. The CDC reports that two-thirds of adults and one-third of children are overweight and that this rate has remained stalled for about five years after steadily climbing. It's actually come to this: we've become so fat even our obesity rates can't climb anymore.

4. A new report on Friday says that Tiger Woods is rumored to be getting treatment for sex addiction at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Mississippi. Sources from within the rehab clinic have identified Woods and reported an increased security presence. Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services: where our motto is, "Gosh, they've sure been in that bathroom a long time."

5. Scientists confirmed this month that an ancient inscription discovered a year ago is the oldest Hebrew writing ever found, dating back to the 10th century BC. Researchers believe this may mean parts of the Bible were written much earlier than previously thought. But don't worry, Creationists, 3,000 years ago means they still rode dinosaurs.

High five.

Pat With The Devil

1. It's been announced that the fourth Spider-Man film, directed by Sam Raimi and starring Tobey Maguire, has been canceled. The series will instead be rebooted in 2012 with a new cast and new director, putting Peter Parker back in high school. Madonna is set to advise on the 2012 film, not because of her ability to reinvent, but rather her sinewy, spider arms.

2. Michael C. Hall, star of Dexter, a show about a police department blood splatter analyst who moonlights as a serial killer, announced today that he is being treated for cancer. Hall has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer which attacks the lymphatic system. At least, that's what he's letting the cancer think, before he sneaks up in the dark and kills it with a kitchen knife.

3. On Monday, retired homerun champ Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during a teary interview on the MLB Network. "I hope to get past this and focus on my new career as a coach," said McGwire. But not before his 'roid tears killed seven.

4. Last week in Mexico's drug war, a victim's face was found peeled from his skull and sewn into a soccer ball. Mexico has in recent years had a exponential increase in drug violence with 6,500 drug related murders in 2009 alone. One thing is certain though: there were no hands found near the soccer ball face, so clearly the Mexicans are still masters of the game.

5. On Wednesday, Pat Robertson said on his show that a "pact with the devil" was the reason for the recent Haiti earthquake. "They were under the heel of the French. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal," said Robertson. It's not too surprising that Robertson would know so much about the devil since they reportedly both, for different reasons, have summer houses near God's asshole.

High five.

Bill Or Ted's?

1. A Canadian woman's claim that Keanu Reeves is the father of her children was thrown out of court Thursday after the judge called the paternity suit "incredible." Karen Sala says she and Reeves had a sexual relationship and lived together, but Reeves denies even meeting the woman. DNA test results prove Reeves is not the father, but Sala says Reeves probably used hypnosis to affect the results. See kids, despite how cool your friends say it is, it's not okay to watch The Matrix after eating a duffel bag full of Absinthe-soaked mushrooms.

2. The New Jersey Senate today defeated a gay marriage bill 20-14 making gay marriage legislation in the state very unlikely in the coming year. New Republican governor Chris Christie takes office later this month and has vowed to veto any such measure for her state. And tonight on MTV's Jersey Shore, the boys hit the tanning beds, spend the day shopping for clothes, then it's off to the salon!

3. Thursday on his radio show Glenn Beck criticized using the term "African American," calling it PC and not a race. "Either your family was brought over through the slave trade or you were born here and your family emigrated here or whatever but that is not a race," said Beck. Glenn Beck: Eliminating neighborhoods he can safely drive through one show at a time!

4. Joe Lieberman's approval rating in Connecticut has reportedly been in a landslide according to a new poll. Senator Lieberman was given bad marks by 67% of his constituents, including 80% of Democrats, 48% of Republicans, and 61% of Independents. Today in response, Lieberman introduced legislation to the Senate banning smiles and cuddliness.

5. Ford showed off their new dashboard gadget at the Consumer Electronics Show on Thursday touting the devices wide range of features. The dashboard allows car owners to use Twitter, listen to internet radio, and get free turn by turn directions, all through either a touch screen or voice command. However, critics question some features of the new Ford dashboard, including what it calls the "latest in pink-slip printing technology. "

High five.

#2 With A Coke

1. A recent investigation shows that stores like Walmart and H&M have been discarding unsold clothes rather than donating them to the needy during this particularly cold winter. Reporters found mounds of clothes strewn about in piles, most slashed to deter people from wearing them. Reporters then realized that they were actually in a Walmart clothes section.

2. A team of microbiologists from Hollins University have published findings in the International Journal of Food Microbiology which says that nearly 50% of soda fountains they tested contained fecal bacteria. The scientists studied 90 beverages from 30 different soda fountains. And today, Coca-Cola mysteriously announced the introduction of Crystal Clear Coke.

3. Police are searching for a Kansas City woman who threw a tantrum at a McDonald's after being refused a refund for a burger she did not like. The woman knocked over cash registers and threw displays causing thousands of dollars in damage. The manager of the McDonald's said that they aren't granting refunds as often because of the tough economy, and it's also the reason they've switched to the less popular Grimace meat.

4. A Lawndale, CA city councilman is arguing against the removal of some smelly garlic plants planted along roads because he says they keep the vampires out of town. Council members say it will cost roughly $35,000 in taxpayer money to remove the plants. Hmm, if only there were some plant widely available in California that could be planted instead and sold for immense profit... perhaps the vampire-seeing city councilman knows of one.

5. A South Carolina Salvation Army came up short on funds this holiday season after a $25,000 donation check turned out to be fake. The area Salvation Army spent money on nearly 100 families assuming the check would clear. In future news, upon his death, one South Carolina resident was shocked and horrified to discover fake pearly gates to Hell.

High five.

In Vitro In 3D

1. President Obama told the nation on Tuesday that the government had enough intelligence to thwart the unsuccessful Christmas Day bombing in Detroit, but failed to connect the dots. "Intelligence was not fully analyzed or leveraged," said Obama. Intelligence officials say under George W. Bush this may never have happen since he was so good at connecting dots. It's the color by numbers that gave him trouble.

2. At the Consumer Electronics Show this weekend both Sony and DirectTV showed off their new 3D channels, though the market doesn't even yet offer 3D TVs. Both companies promise mind blowing visuals, but experts say consumers will be surprised by the new payment process, whereby providers come out of the screen and take your wallet.

3. ESPN says they will join the upcoming 3D programming revolution with their own 3D channel which will broadcast about 85 live sporting events in its first year. ESPN has not decided what types of sports they will cover in 3D, but warns that unruly or taunting basketball fans may be punched on their couch by Ron Artest.

4. On Tuesday, octuplets mother Nadya Suleman defended the fertility doctor who helped her conceive 14 children in all. Dr. Michael Kamrava is currently being accused by the California Medical Board of gross negligence, but Suleman says he did "absolutely nothing wrong." Kamrava, however, needed very little defense today as he exited his Beverly Hills home guarded by 1,000 armed, baby soldiers.

5. Religious groups are outraged by the appointment of the first ever transgender Presidential appointee, Amanda Simpson, named senior technical adviser for the Commerce Department. "The transgender thing doesn't play well with millions of conservative Evangelicals," said David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network. Funny coming from the believer of a God that is neither male nor female.

High five.

Boy Almost Dies & Rush Limbaugh Won't

1. This weekend a British Columbia family's golden retriever saved the life of their 11 year old boy after he was attacked by a cougar. The boy had reportedly been fetching firewood when the cougar charged him, and the family dog fought off the cougar until police arrived. The boy and the dog are okay, but authorities are still unsure why Demi Moore was roaming the Canadian wilderness.

2. On his radio program Monday, Glenn Beck tried clearing up rumors that he had died in a plane crash over the weekend. Business partners phoned Beck to ask him if he was alive after news organizations reported his death. Analysts say a zombie Beck might attract even more regular viewers to his show as they search for brains together.

3. On Friday, Rush Limbaugh announced that despite being admitted to the hospital with chest pains days earlier, tests show no heart problems. Limbaugh says the pain was real and believes it might have been caused by a spasm in his artery. Later that night, a quiet Death returned home to Mrs. Death and a much needed pep talk.

4. Newark, NJ mayor Corey Booker answered a citizen's plea to get their 65 year old father's driveway shoveled by going to the house and shoveling it himself. Booker was contacted via Twitter and showed up at the man's door in twenty minutes. In other news, Joe Lieberman has introduced legislation to cover all driveways of the elderly with thick, thick ice.

5. Australian researchers have found the remains of a plane that dates back to 1911 and is considered to be the first plane ever taken to Antarctica. The researchers discover metal pieces of the craft on New Year's Day after searching for three years. And American Airlines held a press conference today welcoming the plane into their fleet.

High five.