1. A recent investigation shows that stores like Walmart and H&M have been discarding unsold clothes rather than donating them to the needy during this particularly cold winter. Reporters found mounds of clothes strewn about in piles, most slashed to deter people from wearing them. Reporters then realized that they were actually in a Walmart clothes section.
2. A team of microbiologists from Hollins University have published findings in the International Journal of Food Microbiology which says that nearly 50% of soda fountains they tested contained fecal bacteria. The scientists studied 90 beverages from 30 different soda fountains. And today, Coca-Cola mysteriously announced the introduction of Crystal Clear Coke.
3. Police are searching for a Kansas City woman who threw a tantrum at a McDonald's after being refused a refund for a burger she did not like. The woman knocked over cash registers and threw displays causing thousands of dollars in damage. The manager of the McDonald's said that they aren't granting refunds as often because of the tough economy, and it's also the reason they've switched to the less popular Grimace meat.
4. A Lawndale, CA city councilman is arguing against the removal of some smelly garlic plants planted along roads because he says they keep the vampires out of town. Council members say it will cost roughly $35,000 in taxpayer money to remove the plants. Hmm, if only there were some plant widely available in California that could be planted instead and sold for immense profit... perhaps the vampire-seeing city councilman knows of one.
5. A South Carolina Salvation Army came up short on funds this holiday season after a $25,000 donation check turned out to be fake. The area Salvation Army spent money on nearly 100 families assuming the check would clear. In future news, upon his death, one South Carolina resident was shocked and horrified to discover fake pearly gates to Hell.
High five.
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