1. After President Obama's State of the Union speech on Wednesday, Chris Matthews told his audience the president has done so much to heal racial divisions in our culture that he "forgot he was black." The majority of Matthews' audience immediately turned the channel, not because they were upset by his comments, but because they "forgot they were watching Chris Matthews."
2. Yury Luzhkov, Mayor of Moscow, said on Monday that he would not allow a gay pride parade, calling such an event "Satanic." Despite Luzhkov's comments, organizers say they still plan on holding the parade on May 29. However, in Luzhkov's defense, organizers admit one section of the parade will feature participants wearing only devil horns and cock socks.
3. A review of 20 years of social science research has found that two women are as good at raising healthy, well-adjusted children as heterosexual couples are. In other news, 20 minutes of internet video research has found that two women are often preferred to heterosexual couples when it comes to raising "lots of things."
4. On Wednesday, Apple introduced its new iPad, a tablet-like computer that resembles a giant iPhone. The tablet weighs 1.5 pounds, is .5 inches thick, and has a 9.7 inch display. The news was applauded today by the group "Assholes for a More Interrupted Movie Theater Experience."
5. A new poll released by the company Public Policy Polling claims that Fox News is the most trusted name in news. 49% of those polled said they trusted Fox News while 37% said they did not, making it the only network with a overall positive rating. In other news, brain eating zombies have taken over and are sustaining themselves on 49% of U.S. citizens.
High five.
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