1. CBS is pushing a new syndicated court focused show starring Nancy Grace called Swift Justice. The network says Grace's new program is already set to air in nearly 90% of households across the country. Authorities note that this will also make it easier to get the word out on missing children that Grace has obviously kidnapped herself.
2. There is reportedly some conflict over at Fox News between Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. Recent polls suggest that Beck is quickly becoming the networks most identifiable star, causing "some angst amongst O'Reilly's camp." In other news, today in a park two fleas fought viciously over prime real estate on a dog's ass.
3. A Dutch court ruled this week that a McDonald's in the town of Lemmer was wrong to fire an employee for not charging for cheese on a hamburger she sold to a friend. In a written statement, the court said, "It is just a slice of cheese," and ordered McDonald's to pay the fired worker's salary for the remaining five months of her contract. What scientists, philosophers, and theoreticians thought was disastrously impossible has now become a reality: for five months, this girl will be both unemployed and working at McDonald's.
4. Perez Hilton said today that he wants to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol. "If they're looking for a new judge on 'American Idol,' I am available," said Hilton. However, it's difficult to say if Hilton can fill the shoes of someone who is famous for no other reason than picking apart people more talented than him.
5. According to new statistics obtained by the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive-health think tank, U.S. teen pregnancy and abortion rates are both rising. Today in response, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heard to exclaim, "Well, I guess we're all even then!" America: Where not moving at all is sometimes progress too!
High five.
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