1. It's been announced that the fourth Spider-Man film, directed by Sam Raimi and starring Tobey Maguire, has been canceled. The series will instead be rebooted in 2012 with a new cast and new director, putting Peter Parker back in high school. Madonna is set to advise on the 2012 film, not because of her ability to reinvent, but rather her sinewy, spider arms.
2. Michael C. Hall, star of Dexter, a show about a police department blood splatter analyst who moonlights as a serial killer, announced today that he is being treated for cancer. Hall has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer which attacks the lymphatic system. At least, that's what he's letting the cancer think, before he sneaks up in the dark and kills it with a kitchen knife.
3. On Monday, retired homerun champ Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during a teary interview on the MLB Network. "I hope to get past this and focus on my new career as a coach," said McGwire. But not before his 'roid tears killed seven.
4. Last week in Mexico's drug war, a victim's face was found peeled from his skull and sewn into a soccer ball. Mexico has in recent years had a exponential increase in drug violence with 6,500 drug related murders in 2009 alone. One thing is certain though: there were no hands found near the soccer ball face, so clearly the Mexicans are still masters of the game.
5. On Wednesday, Pat Robertson said on his show that a "pact with the devil" was the reason for the recent Haiti earthquake. "They were under the heel of the French. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal," said Robertson. It's not too surprising that Robertson would know so much about the devil since they reportedly both, for different reasons, have summer houses near God's asshole.
High five.
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