1. On Thursday, Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the Haiti earthquake disaster relief saying, "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." Analysts say Limbaugh's lack of compassion stems from a failed relief effort last year, when he washed up on shore and no one cared to keep his skin moist.
2. Rumors are circulating around the internet that Tiger Woods is making a substantial donation for earthquake relief in Haiti. "I heard tiger woods donating to send a cargo plane with a mobile hospital out there," Def Jam co-founder Russell Simmons said on Twitter. Sources say Tiger Woods feels somewhat responsible for the quake, adding that we'll know just how responsible 9 months from now.
3. According to government data from 2007-2008 published Wednesday, U.S. obesity rates are still high but they are not rising. The CDC reports that two-thirds of adults and one-third of children are overweight and that this rate has remained stalled for about five years after steadily climbing. It's actually come to this: we've become so fat even our obesity rates can't climb anymore.
4. A new report on Friday says that Tiger Woods is rumored to be getting treatment for sex addiction at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Mississippi. Sources from within the rehab clinic have identified Woods and reported an increased security presence. Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services: where our motto is, "Gosh, they've sure been in that bathroom a long time."
5. Scientists confirmed this month that an ancient inscription discovered a year ago is the oldest Hebrew writing ever found, dating back to the 10th century BC. Researchers believe this may mean parts of the Bible were written much earlier than previously thought. But don't worry, Creationists, 3,000 years ago means they still rode dinosaurs.
High five.
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