1. Last week the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-4 to relax campaign finance restrictions for corporations. "Today's decision by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. FEC, serves as an affirmation of the constitutional rights provided to Americans under the first amendment," said RNC Chairman Michael Steele. This ruling has been brought to you by sweet, sweet Splenda! When you need to swallow a huge pile of bullshit, it's Splenda to the rescue!
2. Actor Scott Baio is under fire for posting an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama to his twitter page with the caption "WOW, he wakes up to this every morning." Twitter users were disappointed, not by the dig at the first lady, but to learn that Scott Baio had not killed himself long ago.
3. On Thursday, a Michigan arms firm agreed to remove Bible references from gun sights that it sells to the U.S. military. Trijicon had until now put references such as JN8:12 and 2COR4:6 on their sights which stood for John 8:12 and 2 Corinthians 4:6 respectively. Government officials say the move wasn't because of any church/state separation issues, but rather because of Al Qaeda's widespread use of new Bible-proof vests.
4. It was announced today in Iraq that Saddam Hussein's former henchman "Chemical Ali" has been hanged. Ali Hassan al-Majid is infamous for ordering a poison gas attack on a northern Iraqi Kurdish village killing 5,000 people. Of course, standing in front of the executed Chemical Ali was the former Iraqi Information Minister who insisted he was just sleeping.
5. After a 21 year ban due to health concerns, the U.S. is finally allowing haggis -- a boiled bag of sheep innards -- to be imported into the country once again. After news of the ban's end, haggis consumption in the U.S. remained at zero. Then people were reminded of what haggis was and consumption in the U.S. quickly dropped to below zero.
High five.
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