Taking the week off to recharge the batteries, because I am an android. As you know, androids are incapable of understanding and replicating people humor. So, this blog is nothing short of miraculous. Also I have the strength of not 10 men, but in fact 10 androids. 10 joke-blogging androids.
Your brain exploding is a common occurrence when attempting to comprehend this information. Five Jokes will return Monday, October 5th.
High five.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Brad Lidge & Sexy Bachelors
1. Brian Lee Randone, once featured on the reality show "The Sexiest Bachelor in America," is scheduled to be arraigned next week for allegedly torturing and murdering his girlfriend. A homicide detective said the girlfriend apparently suffered dozens of injuries in the 24 hours before her death. Get in line, ladies!
2. The Philadelphia Phillies, the MLB defending champs, are auditioning new pitchers to take over for their struggling closer Brad Lidge. After last night's game, the closer avoided reporters' questions in the locker room. When asked why he was struggling, an angry Lidge tried closing his locker but instead gave up a home run to the reporter.
3. A study funded by State Farm Insurance Co. found that teenagers who own cars are much more likely to get into an accident. Also discovered in the data, men are significantly more likely to urinate through a penis than women.
4. Tim Gallego of Dorchester England, who suffered from cancer of the mouth, recently had his face completely rebuilt using bones from his ribs, hip and wrist as well as arteries from his legs and arm. "I've always been very positive throughout and always thought that I would get back to normal," said Gallego. Gallego's only regret is that he'll no longer be the dominating force he once was in his Hokey Pokey league.
5. Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona today defended an amendment he proposed that did not require employers to provide basic maternity care. "I don't need maternity care," said Kyl. To which Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow replied, "I think your mom probably did." ... OH, NO SHE DI-INT!
High five.
2. The Philadelphia Phillies, the MLB defending champs, are auditioning new pitchers to take over for their struggling closer Brad Lidge. After last night's game, the closer avoided reporters' questions in the locker room. When asked why he was struggling, an angry Lidge tried closing his locker but instead gave up a home run to the reporter.
3. A study funded by State Farm Insurance Co. found that teenagers who own cars are much more likely to get into an accident. Also discovered in the data, men are significantly more likely to urinate through a penis than women.
4. Tim Gallego of Dorchester England, who suffered from cancer of the mouth, recently had his face completely rebuilt using bones from his ribs, hip and wrist as well as arteries from his legs and arm. "I've always been very positive throughout and always thought that I would get back to normal," said Gallego. Gallego's only regret is that he'll no longer be the dominating force he once was in his Hokey Pokey league.
5. Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona today defended an amendment he proposed that did not require employers to provide basic maternity care. "I don't need maternity care," said Kyl. To which Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow replied, "I think your mom probably did." ... OH, NO SHE DI-INT!
High five.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Dumb Kids & Dumb Kirk
1. Kirk Cameron is defending his idea to distribute 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species, adding an intro to the book that connects evolutionary theory to Hitler and Nazi eugenics. "Young people are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped. What we want to do is have students make an informed, educated decision before they chuck their faith." That reminds me of this crazy college keg party where we played "Chuck Yer Faith" for two days straight.
2. At a town hall meeting in Kansas, citizens laughed at Republican Representative Todd Tiahrt when he claimed that a health care bill would cap doctor's wages. One attendee later apologized for laughing saying, "I didn't know he was actually a congressman, I thought someone's retarded brother grabbed the mic for a sec."
3. Julia Grovenburg shocked medical experts recently when she became pregnant while already being pregnant. The woman and her husband reportedly conceived another child two and a half weeks after conceiving the first. Mr. Grovenburg was admitted to the hospital shortly after the news was released suffering from what doctors are calling "high five exhaustion."
4. A new study out of the University of New Hampshire shows that spanking children may lower their IQs. "The data shows that parents may want to think twice before disciplining their children," said researcher Murray Straus. Straus then cracked up laughing. "I'm just kiddin', dumb kids do dumb things and you gotta knock the smart back in 'em."
5. Researchers out of the University of Missouri have a released a new study showing what they believe are the secrets to finding a job. Researchers said that out of 327 people, success occurred when job seekers had a consistently positive attitude toward the process. "That," added one researcher, "and they were allowed to use time machines to go back to a time when jobs still existed."
High five.
2. At a town hall meeting in Kansas, citizens laughed at Republican Representative Todd Tiahrt when he claimed that a health care bill would cap doctor's wages. One attendee later apologized for laughing saying, "I didn't know he was actually a congressman, I thought someone's retarded brother grabbed the mic for a sec."
3. Julia Grovenburg shocked medical experts recently when she became pregnant while already being pregnant. The woman and her husband reportedly conceived another child two and a half weeks after conceiving the first. Mr. Grovenburg was admitted to the hospital shortly after the news was released suffering from what doctors are calling "high five exhaustion."
4. A new study out of the University of New Hampshire shows that spanking children may lower their IQs. "The data shows that parents may want to think twice before disciplining their children," said researcher Murray Straus. Straus then cracked up laughing. "I'm just kiddin', dumb kids do dumb things and you gotta knock the smart back in 'em."
5. Researchers out of the University of Missouri have a released a new study showing what they believe are the secrets to finding a job. Researchers said that out of 327 people, success occurred when job seekers had a consistently positive attitude toward the process. "That," added one researcher, "and they were allowed to use time machines to go back to a time when jobs still existed."
High five.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mr. Wilson & Evolution Growing Pains
1. Purdue Pharma LP has released a new version of the drug OxyContin with a plastic coating that makes the drug more difficult to crush, snort or inject. The FDA says the benefits of the new version are limited but that it may help to curb abuse of the drug. Experts say that while the drug is more difficult to snort or inject, the company failed to consider the crushing weight of Rush Limbaugh.
2. 80's sitcom star turned far-right evangelical Kirk Cameron is planning to hand out 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species in time for the 150th anniversary of the book. Cameron's version, which will be handed out to college students all over the country, will contain an introduction giving various arguments against evolution. All written with opposable thumbs given to him by an invisible man in the sky.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong at an annual conference of investors where she criticized Obama and the direction of the U.S. economy. If the capitol gains tax and estate tax were eliminated, said Palin, the world would "watch the U.S. economy roar back to life." This marks a reversal in her position on things that roar, which in the past Palin has advocated shooting from helicopters.
4. The people at HeroBuilders.com, creators of Joe the Plumber and Obama Joker action figures, have created a new Joe Wilson doll. Wilson's action figure speaks, coming preprogrammed with his now infamous "You lie!" phrase. Buy now and HeroBuilders.com will include the Joe Wilson Slave Auction Playset!
5. Evolution cannot go backwards suggests a new study by researcher Joe Thornton of the University of Oregon and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. The study looked at genes on the molecular level and purports that once genes have evolved, the change is permanent. The news came as a crushing blow to Creationist amino acids everywhere.
High five.
2. 80's sitcom star turned far-right evangelical Kirk Cameron is planning to hand out 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species in time for the 150th anniversary of the book. Cameron's version, which will be handed out to college students all over the country, will contain an introduction giving various arguments against evolution. All written with opposable thumbs given to him by an invisible man in the sky.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong at an annual conference of investors where she criticized Obama and the direction of the U.S. economy. If the capitol gains tax and estate tax were eliminated, said Palin, the world would "watch the U.S. economy roar back to life." This marks a reversal in her position on things that roar, which in the past Palin has advocated shooting from helicopters.
4. The people at HeroBuilders.com, creators of Joe the Plumber and Obama Joker action figures, have created a new Joe Wilson doll. Wilson's action figure speaks, coming preprogrammed with his now infamous "You lie!" phrase. Buy now and HeroBuilders.com will include the Joe Wilson Slave Auction Playset!
5. Evolution cannot go backwards suggests a new study by researcher Joe Thornton of the University of Oregon and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. The study looked at genes on the molecular level and purports that once genes have evolved, the change is permanent. The news came as a crushing blow to Creationist amino acids everywhere.
High five.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Indian Monkeys & Paralyzed Rats
1. On Saturday, federal investigators arrested an airline shuttle driver in connection to an alleged terror plot. While 24 year old shuttle driver Najibullah Zazi denies any wrong doing, authorities did find bomb-making notes in the suspect's handwriting. But the most damning evidence, say investigators, is that his name is totally unpronounceable.
2. Last Friday, while speaking at a summit, Missouri Representative Roy Blunt made what some believe to be a racism-tinged joke about monkeys. Blunt likened imperial British agents contending with monkeys on a golf course in India to the situation in Washington today. "You have to play the ball where the monkey throws it," added Blunt. In Blunt's defense, those Indian monkeys were crossing the border illegally to get free health insurance.
3. Michael Swartz, chief of staff for Republican Senator Tom Coburn, said Saturday during a panel discussion that "all pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sexual drive inwards." Swartz added, "If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to go out and get a copy of Playboy? He’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants." True, that is the last thing he wants, with the first being a real woman to have crazy bunny rabbit sex with.
4. President Obama visited David Letterman on Monday and tried to make light of the racism allegations aimed at anti-Obama protesters. "I was actually black before the election," joked Obama. The statement shocked many racist conservatives who had no idea the president was black, having gone blind masturbating to Sarah Palin.
5. A new experiment published this week in Nature Neuroscience shows that through drug therapy, exercise, and electrical stimulation, scientists were able to make rats with spinal cord injuries walk again. Researchers say the findings could have a huge impact on the future of human paralysis treatments. Scientists are setting up new experiments for transforming humans into rats.
High five.
2. Last Friday, while speaking at a summit, Missouri Representative Roy Blunt made what some believe to be a racism-tinged joke about monkeys. Blunt likened imperial British agents contending with monkeys on a golf course in India to the situation in Washington today. "You have to play the ball where the monkey throws it," added Blunt. In Blunt's defense, those Indian monkeys were crossing the border illegally to get free health insurance.
3. Michael Swartz, chief of staff for Republican Senator Tom Coburn, said Saturday during a panel discussion that "all pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sexual drive inwards." Swartz added, "If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to go out and get a copy of Playboy? He’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants." True, that is the last thing he wants, with the first being a real woman to have crazy bunny rabbit sex with.
4. President Obama visited David Letterman on Monday and tried to make light of the racism allegations aimed at anti-Obama protesters. "I was actually black before the election," joked Obama. The statement shocked many racist conservatives who had no idea the president was black, having gone blind masturbating to Sarah Palin.
5. A new experiment published this week in Nature Neuroscience shows that through drug therapy, exercise, and electrical stimulation, scientists were able to make rats with spinal cord injuries walk again. Researchers say the findings could have a huge impact on the future of human paralysis treatments. Scientists are setting up new experiments for transforming humans into rats.
High five.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Merrill Lynch & Abercrombie & Fitch
1. At the Toronto Film Festival, Suzanne Somers weighed in on Patrick Swayze's death saying that the doctors poisoned the actor with chemotherapy. "Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins?" said the Three's Company Alum. Yeah, doctors, you jerks. Why didn't you just put something in Mr. Swayze's body that would have cured his incurable pancreatic cancer? Oh, right...
2. On Wednesday, a Muslim teenager in Tulsa, OK filed a lawsuit against an Abercrombie & Fitch store, claiming they discriminated against her by not hiring her because she was wearing a head scarf. Samantha Elauf, 17, claims the store manager told her the scarf violated the store's "Look Policy". A judge has already ruled in favor of Elauf after discovering that Abercrombie & Fitch's "Look Policy" is oddly similar to the "Look Policy" of the Arian Nation.
3. The former CEO of Merrill Lynch John Thain, who was criticized for spending $1.2 million on renovating his office as the company fell into financial trouble, said he should have instead furnished his office at Ikea. "If I had that to do over again, I’d furnish it in Ikea," said Thain. Analysts say that makes a lot of sense for Thain now that he gets the employee discount.
4. According to a recently released straw poll, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is favored by social conservatives as a presidential candidate over former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Huckabee also beat out other high profile conservative candidates like Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty. Huckabee however did not beat out all challengers. The leading conservative presidential candidate? A forged Kenyan Obama birth certificate.
5. Nigeria's government is asking its cinemas to stop showing the film District 9, a sci-fi film and apartheid allegory about an alien race landing in South Africa. The government released a statement saying that Nigeria is unfairly portrayed as the villain of the film. The government then informed the cinemas that they had just inherited millions from a long lost relative and needed to provide bank account information to collect the inheritance.
High five.
2. On Wednesday, a Muslim teenager in Tulsa, OK filed a lawsuit against an Abercrombie & Fitch store, claiming they discriminated against her by not hiring her because she was wearing a head scarf. Samantha Elauf, 17, claims the store manager told her the scarf violated the store's "Look Policy". A judge has already ruled in favor of Elauf after discovering that Abercrombie & Fitch's "Look Policy" is oddly similar to the "Look Policy" of the Arian Nation.
3. The former CEO of Merrill Lynch John Thain, who was criticized for spending $1.2 million on renovating his office as the company fell into financial trouble, said he should have instead furnished his office at Ikea. "If I had that to do over again, I’d furnish it in Ikea," said Thain. Analysts say that makes a lot of sense for Thain now that he gets the employee discount.
4. According to a recently released straw poll, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is favored by social conservatives as a presidential candidate over former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Huckabee also beat out other high profile conservative candidates like Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty. Huckabee however did not beat out all challengers. The leading conservative presidential candidate? A forged Kenyan Obama birth certificate.
5. Nigeria's government is asking its cinemas to stop showing the film District 9, a sci-fi film and apartheid allegory about an alien race landing in South Africa. The government released a statement saying that Nigeria is unfairly portrayed as the villain of the film. The government then informed the cinemas that they had just inherited millions from a long lost relative and needed to provide bank account information to collect the inheritance.
High five.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Spacetime & Naughty Time
1. On Wednesday, Bill O'Reilly surprised many of his Fox News viewers by voicing support for a public option in the debated health care bill. O'Reilly said that if Americans didn't like their insurance and if the government could provide one at less cost with the same benefits then he would be in favor of it. Don't get too excited liberal readers. O'Reilly then told a newborn puppy to shut up.
2. On Thursday, police arrested and charged lab technician Raymond Clark with the murder of Yale grad student Annie Le. Those who worked with Clark say he was a stickler in the lab and considered it and the lab mice his property. Fortunately for Clark, he'll soon have a space of his very own and lots of friends who also grew up experimenting on small animals. Unfortunately he will be the property of someone else.
3. NASA scientists today revealed some of the surprising initial data gathered by their Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft. Certain craters on the moon may be the coldest spots in the entire solar system, slightly colder than even Pluto, 40 times further from the sun. Scientists say this knocks off their previous record holder for coldest place in the solar system: the icy vacuous chamber where Dick Cheney's heart should be.
4. It was announced on Thursday that the first Mac Plus personal computer ever made, which was in turn given as a gift to Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, is being auctioned off. Future civilizations will look back on this day as the moment in history when time travel was discovered, when computer geek energy and Star Trek nerd energy came together and caused a rip in the spacetime continuum.
5. Jon and Kate Gosselin's 23 year old babysitter is now coming forward claiming that she and Jon had an affair. Stephanie Santoro says it began when Jon invited her over to hang out in the hot tub one night. Santoro knew something was wrong the next day when she gave birth to 27 babies.
High five.
2. On Thursday, police arrested and charged lab technician Raymond Clark with the murder of Yale grad student Annie Le. Those who worked with Clark say he was a stickler in the lab and considered it and the lab mice his property. Fortunately for Clark, he'll soon have a space of his very own and lots of friends who also grew up experimenting on small animals. Unfortunately he will be the property of someone else.
3. NASA scientists today revealed some of the surprising initial data gathered by their Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft. Certain craters on the moon may be the coldest spots in the entire solar system, slightly colder than even Pluto, 40 times further from the sun. Scientists say this knocks off their previous record holder for coldest place in the solar system: the icy vacuous chamber where Dick Cheney's heart should be.
4. It was announced on Thursday that the first Mac Plus personal computer ever made, which was in turn given as a gift to Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, is being auctioned off. Future civilizations will look back on this day as the moment in history when time travel was discovered, when computer geek energy and Star Trek nerd energy came together and caused a rip in the spacetime continuum.
5. Jon and Kate Gosselin's 23 year old babysitter is now coming forward claiming that she and Jon had an affair. Stephanie Santoro says it began when Jon invited her over to hang out in the hot tub one night. Santoro knew something was wrong the next day when she gave birth to 27 babies.
High five.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
FCC & PETA
1. Senator Max Baucus' (D-MT) health care bill unveiled today is reportedly not getting any good reviews from his fellow Democrats in Congress. Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) says that he would oppose the bill outright, and in the House, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) says he would oppose any bill that didn't include a public option, which Baucus' bill does not have. Still, analysts see Rep. Weiner's stance as unfair, since he also requires a bill that changes his middle name to "Massive".
2. FCC is reportedly taking another look at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, where a "wardrobe malfunction" caused Jackson's breast to become exposed. The FCC fined CBS for the error, but the Supreme Court later overturned that fine. The FCC says it should be able to further explain its position. "Boobs cannot be shown on television," said the FCC in a statement today. Fox News then pulled Glenn Beck from the air.
3. A new study published in the latest issue of the journal Reproductive Health says teen birthrates are higher in highly religious states, with Mississippi being number one. The study suggests that religious communities "are more successful in discouraging the use of contraception among their teenagers than they are in discouraging sexual intercourse itself." Today the governor of Mississippi Haley Barbour called the study fictitious. "It's absurd," said Barbour. "I always use a condom when I have sex with my teenage daughter."
4. Today while speaking at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Conference, billionaire Warren Buffett said that he believes all of the U.S.'s economic woes will be solved in 3 to 4 years. "Our genius in the United States is not in avoiding problems, it's in overcoming problems," said Buffett. Inspired by Buffett's analysis, unemployed factory worker Chris Wright of Michigan ceremoniously added a tiny American flag to his cardboard box house.
5. PETA has written to Virginia Governor Tim Kaine asking to lease a closed state prison to create a chicken museum dedicated to exhibits about the mistreatment of chickens. Upon reading the letter, a relieved Kaine remembered the last item on his wife's errand list, pulled into his local KFC drive-thru, and picked up dinner.
High five.
2. FCC is reportedly taking another look at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident involving Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, where a "wardrobe malfunction" caused Jackson's breast to become exposed. The FCC fined CBS for the error, but the Supreme Court later overturned that fine. The FCC says it should be able to further explain its position. "Boobs cannot be shown on television," said the FCC in a statement today. Fox News then pulled Glenn Beck from the air.
3. A new study published in the latest issue of the journal Reproductive Health says teen birthrates are higher in highly religious states, with Mississippi being number one. The study suggests that religious communities "are more successful in discouraging the use of contraception among their teenagers than they are in discouraging sexual intercourse itself." Today the governor of Mississippi Haley Barbour called the study fictitious. "It's absurd," said Barbour. "I always use a condom when I have sex with my teenage daughter."
4. Today while speaking at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Conference, billionaire Warren Buffett said that he believes all of the U.S.'s economic woes will be solved in 3 to 4 years. "Our genius in the United States is not in avoiding problems, it's in overcoming problems," said Buffett. Inspired by Buffett's analysis, unemployed factory worker Chris Wright of Michigan ceremoniously added a tiny American flag to his cardboard box house.
5. PETA has written to Virginia Governor Tim Kaine asking to lease a closed state prison to create a chicken museum dedicated to exhibits about the mistreatment of chickens. Upon reading the letter, a relieved Kaine remembered the last item on his wife's errand list, pulled into his local KFC drive-thru, and picked up dinner.
High five.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Fake Photos & 11 Year Old Liars
1. Actor Patrick Swayze died on Monday after a months-long battle with advanced pancreatic cancer. He was 57. Doctors called the actor's time of death for September 14th, but they've seen his films and they're currently on the lookout for anyone who seems possessed and dances like there's no tomorrow.
2. The Tea Party group that held a rally near the Washington Monument on Saturday says they gathered 1 to 1.5 million protesters, and even provided a photo as proof. However, the photo has now been shown to be fake. Analysts say the organizers used a photo that is about 5 years old and is missing recently constructed buildings. Analysts on site also point out that for the group to have transported so many people, they would have required at least 100 more vans with airbrushed eagles or wolves on the side.
3. Today, the Philadelphia Eagles activated controversial quarterback Michael Vick after QB Donovan McNabb suffered a rib injury in week 1 of play. To make room for Vick, Philadelphia had to release wide receiver Hank Baskett. What's more disturbing, however, is that Hank Baskett is in fact a cocker spaniel.
4. An 11 year old boy in Alabama lied about being kidnapped in order to hide the bad grades on his report card. The boy told police he escaped from the kidnapper with his band instrument but not the bookbag that contained his report card, which made the police immediately suspicious of the boy's story. Plus, everyone knows Alabama schools only go up to age 8.
5. Universal revealed new details about their upcoming Harry Potter park today, saying it will include Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, other elements of the hugely popular series. Universal does say however that despite popular demand "Hermione's top dresser drawer" will not be an attraction.
High five.
2. The Tea Party group that held a rally near the Washington Monument on Saturday says they gathered 1 to 1.5 million protesters, and even provided a photo as proof. However, the photo has now been shown to be fake. Analysts say the organizers used a photo that is about 5 years old and is missing recently constructed buildings. Analysts on site also point out that for the group to have transported so many people, they would have required at least 100 more vans with airbrushed eagles or wolves on the side.
3. Today, the Philadelphia Eagles activated controversial quarterback Michael Vick after QB Donovan McNabb suffered a rib injury in week 1 of play. To make room for Vick, Philadelphia had to release wide receiver Hank Baskett. What's more disturbing, however, is that Hank Baskett is in fact a cocker spaniel.
4. An 11 year old boy in Alabama lied about being kidnapped in order to hide the bad grades on his report card. The boy told police he escaped from the kidnapper with his band instrument but not the bookbag that contained his report card, which made the police immediately suspicious of the boy's story. Plus, everyone knows Alabama schools only go up to age 8.
5. Universal revealed new details about their upcoming Harry Potter park today, saying it will include Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, other elements of the hugely popular series. Universal does say however that despite popular demand "Hermione's top dresser drawer" will not be an attraction.
High five.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Trashing Megan Fox & West Goes South
1. On Friday, people across the country held services marking the events of September 11, 2001. Regardless of politics, remembrance of this historic day is something everyone can agree on. That, and the fact that Marlee Matlin has an unfair monopoly on deaf character roles.
2. Panic erupted around DC on Friday when a Coast Guard exercise was mistaken for a potential act of terrorism. Ten shots were fired during the drill that took place shortly after Obama arrived at the Pentagon to mark the time of the first terror attack eight years ago. Read all about it in the latest issue of "The Perfect Date, Time, and Place to Fire a Weapon Quarterly."
3. On Sunday, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV Video Music Award win for Best Female Video to voice his support for Beyonce's video. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," said West, grabbing the mic from Swift. West then returned to the vocal auto-tune software in his studio full of instruments he can't play.
4. In a letter posted to director Michael Bay's website, three anonymous crew members from the Transformers films label Megan Fox as "thankless, classless, graceless, dumb, trailer trash, and ungracious." The letter was written in defense of Bay after the actress made some controversial comments about the director. Yes... now that men know Megan Fox isn't very bright and has the low standards of trailer trash, her popularity is sure to plummet.
5. Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, is urging President Obama to take the government-run, public option of health care "off the table". Snowe says that the public option is "universally opposed by all Republicans in the Senate," even though studies show the majority of Americans would like a public option. Snowe then had the stick up her butt surgically removed using her government-funded health care plan.
High five.
2. Panic erupted around DC on Friday when a Coast Guard exercise was mistaken for a potential act of terrorism. Ten shots were fired during the drill that took place shortly after Obama arrived at the Pentagon to mark the time of the first terror attack eight years ago. Read all about it in the latest issue of "The Perfect Date, Time, and Place to Fire a Weapon Quarterly."
3. On Sunday, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's MTV Video Music Award win for Best Female Video to voice his support for Beyonce's video. "Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time," said West, grabbing the mic from Swift. West then returned to the vocal auto-tune software in his studio full of instruments he can't play.
4. In a letter posted to director Michael Bay's website, three anonymous crew members from the Transformers films label Megan Fox as "thankless, classless, graceless, dumb, trailer trash, and ungracious." The letter was written in defense of Bay after the actress made some controversial comments about the director. Yes... now that men know Megan Fox isn't very bright and has the low standards of trailer trash, her popularity is sure to plummet.
5. Olympia Snowe, Republican Senator from Maine, is urging President Obama to take the government-run, public option of health care "off the table". Snowe says that the public option is "universally opposed by all Republicans in the Senate," even though studies show the majority of Americans would like a public option. Snowe then had the stick up her butt surgically removed using her government-funded health care plan.
High five.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
China's Winds & Representatives That Blow
1. It was revealed today that Caster Semenya, the South African runner who was forced to take a gender test, is actually a hermaphrodite. The test concluded that she has both male and female sex organs and carries three times the amount testosterone of a normal woman. Though, most experts agree, officials should have recognized something was amiss when Semenya began crying after she caught herself staring at another woman.
2. An 8 year old cheetah named Sarah is now officially the fastest mammal on Earth covering 100 meters in 6.13 seconds. By comparison, Usain Bolt ran the same distance in about 9.00 seconds setting the human world record. Running officials are now having the cheetah's gender tested.
3. Today on Representative Joe Wilson's (R-S.C.) website JoeWilsonforCongress.com, the congressman apologized for his outburst during President Obama's speech but asked his supporters to continue contributing to his campaign. Wilson says his opponents want to keep him silent on "government-run health care," what conservatives believe to be a government handout. Wilson then asked campaign supporters for a handout.
4. The surviving members of Nirvana released a statement Thursday saying they were disappointed that Kurt Cobain is being used in Guitar Hero 5 as an unlockable character. Activision, the makers of the Guitar Hero series, says it secured the rights to use Cobain's likeness. The company adds, however, that it may have gone too far with its new "shotgun mode."
5. A new U.S. study published on Thursday says that China could decrease its emissions by 30% by 2030 if it utilized wind power to meet half of its electricity demands. The study further suggests that wind could potentially supply all of China's energy needs in the future. Some analysts warn, though, that wind could never be a substitute for sources like nuclear power. Let's be honest, why use an energy source to only supply power to your people when you can use it to blow them up and melt their skin off, too?
High five.
2. An 8 year old cheetah named Sarah is now officially the fastest mammal on Earth covering 100 meters in 6.13 seconds. By comparison, Usain Bolt ran the same distance in about 9.00 seconds setting the human world record. Running officials are now having the cheetah's gender tested.
3. Today on Representative Joe Wilson's (R-S.C.) website JoeWilsonforCongress.com, the congressman apologized for his outburst during President Obama's speech but asked his supporters to continue contributing to his campaign. Wilson says his opponents want to keep him silent on "government-run health care," what conservatives believe to be a government handout. Wilson then asked campaign supporters for a handout.
4. The surviving members of Nirvana released a statement Thursday saying they were disappointed that Kurt Cobain is being used in Guitar Hero 5 as an unlockable character. Activision, the makers of the Guitar Hero series, says it secured the rights to use Cobain's likeness. The company adds, however, that it may have gone too far with its new "shotgun mode."
5. A new U.S. study published on Thursday says that China could decrease its emissions by 30% by 2030 if it utilized wind power to meet half of its electricity demands. The study further suggests that wind could potentially supply all of China's energy needs in the future. Some analysts warn, though, that wind could never be a substitute for sources like nuclear power. Let's be honest, why use an energy source to only supply power to your people when you can use it to blow them up and melt their skin off, too?
High five.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Energy-Saving Advances & Soul-Saving Advances
1. On Wednesday, New York Yankee Derek Jeter tied Hall of Famer Lou Gehrig for most hits by a Yankee, with 2,721. Jeter tied the record against Tamps Bay Wednesday night and has his first chance to break it against Baltimore tomorrow. "It's just kind of mind-boggling to know my name is next to his," said Jeter. Doctors then broke the news to the Yankee shortstop that he has Derek Jeter's Disease.
2. President Obama delivered a historic healthcare reform speech to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday and told the legislative body that the "time for bickering is over." Both parties applauded the line but Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina threw his rattle at the President then hopped in his SUV-style Power Wheel and drove away yelling, "Nuh-uh, you can't make me!"
3. On Friday, Hugh Hefner officially filed for divorce from his wife after separating in 1998. Usually in a divorce the wife gets half of everything the husband makes. An awkward moment came in court though when the judge asked if he could get just 1% of what Hugh Hefner makes it with.
4. A new study released by Baylor University shows that 1 in 33 women are the victim of sexual advances from faith leaders. Researchers surveyed about 3,500 women over 18 years of age across different religions and denominations. See? And cynics said nothing could unite the world's religions. When it comes to inappropriate sexual advances, we're all children of God... or priests or ministers or rabbis.
5. A New Jersey Burger King is testing an energy-saving device in its drive-thru, powering some of the store with kinetic energy captured from vehicles braking. The restaurant owner says that the device could save 5-10% on his energy costs. The downside however, says the owner, is your eating at a Burger King in New Jersey.
High five.
2. President Obama delivered a historic healthcare reform speech to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday and told the legislative body that the "time for bickering is over." Both parties applauded the line but Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina threw his rattle at the President then hopped in his SUV-style Power Wheel and drove away yelling, "Nuh-uh, you can't make me!"
3. On Friday, Hugh Hefner officially filed for divorce from his wife after separating in 1998. Usually in a divorce the wife gets half of everything the husband makes. An awkward moment came in court though when the judge asked if he could get just 1% of what Hugh Hefner makes it with.
4. A new study released by Baylor University shows that 1 in 33 women are the victim of sexual advances from faith leaders. Researchers surveyed about 3,500 women over 18 years of age across different religions and denominations. See? And cynics said nothing could unite the world's religions. When it comes to inappropriate sexual advances, we're all children of God... or priests or ministers or rabbis.
5. A New Jersey Burger King is testing an energy-saving device in its drive-thru, powering some of the store with kinetic energy captured from vehicles braking. The restaurant owner says that the device could save 5-10% on his energy costs. The downside however, says the owner, is your eating at a Burger King in New Jersey.
High five.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Healthcare Fines & Shorter Wal-Mart Lines
Ah, I needed that extended vacation weekend. Let me just check here to see if comedy has been drained from the world's news... nope, we're still good to go. Shall we continue?
1. On Tuesday, Minnesota Republican Representative Michele Bachmann attempted to draw a connection between major flu outbreaks in the U.S. and the Democratic presidents in office at the time. As news organizations have already pointed out, Republican President Ford was president during the last flu outbreak. But you can hardly let Obama off the hook completely; after all he is President while this Michele Bachmann is going around.
2. Archeologists are marveling at an enormous 3,700 year old wall that was discovered in Jerusalem recently. Thought to have been built by the Canaanites, the uncovered section is 8 meters high and about 24 meters long. Local Muslims and Jews quickly claimed their respective sides of the wall so the shooting and rocket fire could begin.
3. Last week, a woman was beaten to death by employees of a Beijing Wal-Mart after she was suspected of shoplifting. The employees followed the woman to the street and demanded to see her receipt, but the woman refused. Wal-Mart's workforce rivals the population of some small countries, and now it looks as though their annual death rate will as well.
4. Caster Semenya, the South African female track star who some critics believe is actually a man, appeared on the cover of You Magazine this month with a feminine makeover to silence her antagonists. "I'd like to dress up more often and wear dresses but I never get the chance," said Semenya. "Plus, it's hard to wear dresses when you have a really big tail growing out of your pelvis."
5. Under a new plan proposed by Montana Senator Max Baucus, American families who don't purchase health insurance would be fined up to $3,800/year, with a minimum fine of $1,500/year. Because if there's anything that high school Economics taught us: if a family can't afford to buy healthcare, it probably just means they're stashing the money away to pay the fines for not buying healthcare.
High five.
1. On Tuesday, Minnesota Republican Representative Michele Bachmann attempted to draw a connection between major flu outbreaks in the U.S. and the Democratic presidents in office at the time. As news organizations have already pointed out, Republican President Ford was president during the last flu outbreak. But you can hardly let Obama off the hook completely; after all he is President while this Michele Bachmann is going around.
2. Archeologists are marveling at an enormous 3,700 year old wall that was discovered in Jerusalem recently. Thought to have been built by the Canaanites, the uncovered section is 8 meters high and about 24 meters long. Local Muslims and Jews quickly claimed their respective sides of the wall so the shooting and rocket fire could begin.
3. Last week, a woman was beaten to death by employees of a Beijing Wal-Mart after she was suspected of shoplifting. The employees followed the woman to the street and demanded to see her receipt, but the woman refused. Wal-Mart's workforce rivals the population of some small countries, and now it looks as though their annual death rate will as well.
4. Caster Semenya, the South African female track star who some critics believe is actually a man, appeared on the cover of You Magazine this month with a feminine makeover to silence her antagonists. "I'd like to dress up more often and wear dresses but I never get the chance," said Semenya. "Plus, it's hard to wear dresses when you have a really big tail growing out of your pelvis."
5. Under a new plan proposed by Montana Senator Max Baucus, American families who don't purchase health insurance would be fined up to $3,800/year, with a minimum fine of $1,500/year. Because if there's anything that high school Economics taught us: if a family can't afford to buy healthcare, it probably just means they're stashing the money away to pay the fines for not buying healthcare.
High five.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
America's Penis & China's Vaginas
1. For the first time since WWII, Florida is actually losing residents. From 2008 to 2009, 58,000 people left the Sunshine state in what is the first net loss of residents in 63 years. Analysts contend that the exodus is due to increasing property taxes, a higher cost of living, and falling incomes. Those factors may play a role, but I think mainly Floridians finally realized they were living in America's penis.
2. Chinese officials are trying to downplay reports that the country will reduce its export of rare earths, materials used all over the world in batteries, mobile phones, and superconductors. "China, as a responsible big country, will not go back and will not take the road of closing the door," said Wang Caifeng, deputy minister-general at the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. "Now," added Wang, "if we could only close the door on those vaginas!"
3. On September 6th, a Vancouver stuntman will attempt a world record by setting himself on fire for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Colin Decker will be covered in a flame retardant gel-like substance that reportedly acts like an asbestos suit and then will be set ablaze. "Oh, you want me to put on this suit made of asbestos and light myself on fire for two and a half minutes? Awesome." The service on September 7th will be closed casket to deter pesky neighbors from dropping by to see what's on the grill.
4. A 61 year old Georgia man is being charged with felony child cruelty for slapping a crying two year old in an Atlanta Walmart after her mother wouldn't quiet her. An annoyed Roger Stephens approached the child, slapped her repeatedly, and then told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Footing the bill for Stephens' legal defense? Anyone who has ever been to a Walmart.
5. Doctors believe they have finally discovered why 16 year old Calvino Inman cries blood, often for up to 15 minutes at a time. The diagnosis came after years of study and baffling frustration from numerous physicians. On Tuesday, while appearing on CBS's The Early Show, a doctor confirmed that Inman suffers from being a big pussy.
High five.
2. Chinese officials are trying to downplay reports that the country will reduce its export of rare earths, materials used all over the world in batteries, mobile phones, and superconductors. "China, as a responsible big country, will not go back and will not take the road of closing the door," said Wang Caifeng, deputy minister-general at the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. "Now," added Wang, "if we could only close the door on those vaginas!"
3. On September 6th, a Vancouver stuntman will attempt a world record by setting himself on fire for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Colin Decker will be covered in a flame retardant gel-like substance that reportedly acts like an asbestos suit and then will be set ablaze. "Oh, you want me to put on this suit made of asbestos and light myself on fire for two and a half minutes? Awesome." The service on September 7th will be closed casket to deter pesky neighbors from dropping by to see what's on the grill.
4. A 61 year old Georgia man is being charged with felony child cruelty for slapping a crying two year old in an Atlanta Walmart after her mother wouldn't quiet her. An annoyed Roger Stephens approached the child, slapped her repeatedly, and then told the mother, "See, I told you I would shut her up." Footing the bill for Stephens' legal defense? Anyone who has ever been to a Walmart.
5. Doctors believe they have finally discovered why 16 year old Calvino Inman cries blood, often for up to 15 minutes at a time. The diagnosis came after years of study and baffling frustration from numerous physicians. On Tuesday, while appearing on CBS's The Early Show, a doctor confirmed that Inman suffers from being a big pussy.
High five.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Anchorwoman & Wheelchair Woman
1. Former major league pitcher Curt Schilling said today that he has some interest in running for the Senate seat left vacant by Ted Kennedy's death. Schilling visited the Senate floor today to get a feel for the job and even listened in on some debate. An awkward moment arose, though, when Senator Chris Dodd rose to speak and Schilling brushed him back off the podium with a 95MPH fastball.
2. The infamous Town Hall debates sunk to an even lower level last week when a wheelchair-bound woman was shouted at while asking a question to Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ). The woman in the wheelchair was concerned about being able to afford her property taxes and treat the two incurable auto-immune diseases she has. However, to be fair to the angry mob around her, it was a solid gold, rocket-powered wheelchair.
3. A Florida man who was born with no arms was denied the ability to cash a check at a Bank of America when he could not provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez did provide two different pieces of valid identification but was still turned away. Valdez was then chased down the street by an angry, torch-wielding Town Hall mob.
4. It was announced today that Diane Sawyer will replace Charlie Gibson as anchor on ABC's World News. "Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished," said ABC News President David Westin. "We know she'll bring proven ability and passion to the news every night, including that one night a month when she'll probably be kind of a bitch."
5. Senator Ted Kennedy's death slowed down the movement for overturning the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Most Democrats admit they are too busy to focus on the issue at this time, but analysts believe compromise in the Republican party may make overturning the policy more possible. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, Kennedy's good friend, said today that he has arrived at a legitimate policy compromise. "How about this?" said Hatch. "We'll ask you if you're gay, but when we do, don't sneak your gay penis in our mouth, deal?"
High five.
2. The infamous Town Hall debates sunk to an even lower level last week when a wheelchair-bound woman was shouted at while asking a question to Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ). The woman in the wheelchair was concerned about being able to afford her property taxes and treat the two incurable auto-immune diseases she has. However, to be fair to the angry mob around her, it was a solid gold, rocket-powered wheelchair.
3. A Florida man who was born with no arms was denied the ability to cash a check at a Bank of America when he could not provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez did provide two different pieces of valid identification but was still turned away. Valdez was then chased down the street by an angry, torch-wielding Town Hall mob.
4. It was announced today that Diane Sawyer will replace Charlie Gibson as anchor on ABC's World News. "Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished," said ABC News President David Westin. "We know she'll bring proven ability and passion to the news every night, including that one night a month when she'll probably be kind of a bitch."
5. Senator Ted Kennedy's death slowed down the movement for overturning the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Most Democrats admit they are too busy to focus on the issue at this time, but analysts believe compromise in the Republican party may make overturning the policy more possible. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, Kennedy's good friend, said today that he has arrived at a legitimate policy compromise. "How about this?" said Hatch. "We'll ask you if you're gay, but when we do, don't sneak your gay penis in our mouth, deal?"
High five.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Operating Systems & Smooth Operators
1. On Tuesday, Microsoft announced that it would be giving its Windows Mobile a brand new look for the upcoming holiday season. The software maker is scheduled to release the updated edition on October 6th. The update is designed to make the portable operating system even quicker by going directly to a blue crash screen without delay.
2. On a Monday night preseason game against the Texans, Minnesota QB Brett Favre threw a low illegal block at defender Eugene Wilson, causing Wilson to limp off the field. Announcers called the veteran quarterback out on the dirty play and officials slapped him with a 15 yard penalty. After the game Favre apologized and then finally decided he will play for the Packers in the 2008 season.
3. Apple released its Snow Leopard operating system on Friday and users may be surprised to find that it loads with a 32-bit kernel by default even though it is capable of loading a 64-bit kernel and running 64-bit applications. And if you already knew that I may be surprised to find a naked woman in your room.
4. During the taping of a Central Park concert for Good Morning America, singer Whitney Houston's voice cracked repeatedly in her first public performance in years. Houston blamed her cracked voice on an appearance she did Monday for Oprah. Rather than waste your time, I suggest we step away from our desks, look out the window longingly, and remember all the wonderful Whitney Houston crackhead jokes we already know...
5. The New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, the top-selling Bible in North America and the preferred Bible for conservative evangelicals will reportedly undergo a change in its latest edition. "We want a Bible that is accurate, accessible and that speaks to its readers in a language they can understand," says Keith Danby, CEO of Biblica, the Colorado ministry that holds the copyright to the NIV. "For instance," adds Danby, "instead of 'the meek shall inherit the earth,' we're putting the more appropriate 'Obamacare is baby-killing death-paneled socialism.'"
High five.
2. On a Monday night preseason game against the Texans, Minnesota QB Brett Favre threw a low illegal block at defender Eugene Wilson, causing Wilson to limp off the field. Announcers called the veteran quarterback out on the dirty play and officials slapped him with a 15 yard penalty. After the game Favre apologized and then finally decided he will play for the Packers in the 2008 season.
3. Apple released its Snow Leopard operating system on Friday and users may be surprised to find that it loads with a 32-bit kernel by default even though it is capable of loading a 64-bit kernel and running 64-bit applications. And if you already knew that I may be surprised to find a naked woman in your room.
4. During the taping of a Central Park concert for Good Morning America, singer Whitney Houston's voice cracked repeatedly in her first public performance in years. Houston blamed her cracked voice on an appearance she did Monday for Oprah. Rather than waste your time, I suggest we step away from our desks, look out the window longingly, and remember all the wonderful Whitney Houston crackhead jokes we already know...
5. The New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, the top-selling Bible in North America and the preferred Bible for conservative evangelicals will reportedly undergo a change in its latest edition. "We want a Bible that is accurate, accessible and that speaks to its readers in a language they can understand," says Keith Danby, CEO of Biblica, the Colorado ministry that holds the copyright to the NIV. "For instance," adds Danby, "instead of 'the meek shall inherit the earth,' we're putting the more appropriate 'Obamacare is baby-killing death-paneled socialism.'"
High five.
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