Anchorwoman & Wheelchair Woman

1. Former major league pitcher Curt Schilling said today that he has some interest in running for the Senate seat left vacant by Ted Kennedy's death. Schilling visited the Senate floor today to get a feel for the job and even listened in on some debate. An awkward moment arose, though, when Senator Chris Dodd rose to speak and Schilling brushed him back off the podium with a 95MPH fastball.

2. The infamous Town Hall debates sunk to an even lower level last week when a wheelchair-bound woman was shouted at while asking a question to Congressman Frank Pallone (D-NJ). The woman in the wheelchair was concerned about being able to afford her property taxes and treat the two incurable auto-immune diseases she has. However, to be fair to the angry mob around her, it was a solid gold, rocket-powered wheelchair.

3. A Florida man who was born with no arms was denied the ability to cash a check at a Bank of America when he could not provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez did provide two different pieces of valid identification but was still turned away. Valdez was then chased down the street by an angry, torch-wielding Town Hall mob.

4. It was announced today that Diane Sawyer will replace Charlie Gibson as anchor on ABC's World News. "Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished," said ABC News President David Westin. "We know she'll bring proven ability and passion to the news every night, including that one night a month when she'll probably be kind of a bitch."

5. Senator Ted Kennedy's death slowed down the movement for overturning the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Most Democrats admit they are too busy to focus on the issue at this time, but analysts believe compromise in the Republican party may make overturning the policy more possible. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, Kennedy's good friend, said today that he has arrived at a legitimate policy compromise. "How about this?" said Hatch. "We'll ask you if you're gay, but when we do, don't sneak your gay penis in our mouth, deal?"

High five.