Mr. Wilson & Evolution Growing Pains

1. Purdue Pharma LP has released a new version of the drug OxyContin with a plastic coating that makes the drug more difficult to crush, snort or inject. The FDA says the benefits of the new version are limited but that it may help to curb abuse of the drug. Experts say that while the drug is more difficult to snort or inject, the company failed to consider the crushing weight of Rush Limbaugh.

2. 80's sitcom star turned far-right evangelical Kirk Cameron is planning to hand out 50,000 altered copies of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species in time for the 150th anniversary of the book. Cameron's version, which will be handed out to college students all over the country, will contain an introduction giving various arguments against evolution. All written with opposable thumbs given to him by an invisible man in the sky.

3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong at an annual conference of investors where she criticized Obama and the direction of the U.S. economy. If the capitol gains tax and estate tax were eliminated, said Palin, the world would "watch the U.S. economy roar back to life." This marks a reversal in her position on things that roar, which in the past Palin has advocated shooting from helicopters.

4. The people at HeroBuilders.com, creators of Joe the Plumber and Obama Joker action figures, have created a new Joe Wilson doll. Wilson's action figure speaks, coming preprogrammed with his now infamous "You lie!" phrase. Buy now and HeroBuilders.com will include the Joe Wilson Slave Auction Playset!

5. Evolution cannot go backwards suggests a new study by researcher Joe Thornton of the University of Oregon and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute. The study looked at genes on the molecular level and purports that once genes have evolved, the change is permanent. The news came as a crushing blow to Creationist amino acids everywhere.

High five.