Hooked On Phonics Works For Tea!

1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence.  Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.

2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle.  Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.

3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more.  So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.

4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries.  Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.

5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.  The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.

High five.

Teats Of Strength

1. A dog in Germany has given birth to 17 puppies.  The newsworthiness of the story may be questioned, but you can be sure it somehow involves a drunken David Hasselhoff.

2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination.  In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.

3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws.  In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.

4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years.  With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.

5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past."  The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.

High five.

Lara Croft: Womb Raider

1. Actress Angelina Jolie last week said that she would be open to having more children.  Upon hearing the news, her vagina screamed, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists.  The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.

3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor.  The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."

4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside.  The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.

5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million.  On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.

High five.

Weiners & Losers

1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly today debated with Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner over Obama's tax cut deal with the GOP.  The democrat could do little to sway the Fox News host, but then again, that's not the first time Megyn Kelly has been forced to deal with a flailing wiener.

2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars.  Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.

3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not.  Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.

4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks.  Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.

5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune.  In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.

High five.

Oh, Brothers!

1. The top Catholic educating order De La Salle Christian Brothers recently admitted to concealing abuse within their organization after documents were discovered by the AP.  The groups leader says they never intended to hide the truth, but that the documents were likely lost underneath a pile of alter boys.

2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits.  No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.

3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing.  The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.

4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall.  However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.

5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex.  However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.

High five.

Pittsburgh, Dead Ahead!

1. An airplane made an unscheduled stop in Pittsburgh on Monday after a dog on board bit two passengers.  Then again, is there really even such a thing as a scheduled Pittsburgh stop?

2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices.  Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.

3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.

4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8.  60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.

5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children.  If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.

High five.

A One Eight Seven Dwarves

1. After nearly 14 years, Disney's planned community, a small town called Celebration, has suffered its first homicide.  Residents were initially shocked by the news but were fine once they discovered the victim had actually shot Bambi's mother.

2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about.  In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.

3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased.  Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes." 

4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out.  However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."

5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan.  The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.

High five.

Radioactive Spider-Musical

1. Spider-Man the musical is set to open on Broadway soon with a reported cost of $65 million, despite less than thrilling previews.  Making this money back will be even more daunting since most of those in attendance will be without dates.

2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000.  Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.

3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations.  Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries.  If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.

4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended.  Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.

5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought.  The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion.  Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.

High five.

Full Of Grace

1. CNN's Nancy Grace had surgery this week to remove a growth doctors feared might be cancer, but that fortunately turned out to be non-malignant.  During the operation, however, doctor's did find three previously missing children inside her.

2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too.  Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.

3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education.  Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.

4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87.  Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.

5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.

High five.

MyFace

1. Facebook today received a letter of allowance from the US Patent Office for trademark of the word "face" as it relates to online bulletin boards.  In other news, MySpace's CEO found a nearly untouched bear claw in the dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts.

2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.  The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.

3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us."  Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.

4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison.  While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".

5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences.  Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.

High five.

Missississing Your Period

1. The ACLU today released a report showing that Walgreen's stores in Texas and Mississippi are refusing to sell the "morning after pill" to men.  Store owners however say they reserve the right not to sell the contraception to men who are not accompanied by the cousin they had sex with.

2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever.  In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.

3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today.  Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.

4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease.  In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.

5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award.  Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor. 

High five.

Bar Exams

1. An Idaho woman was jailed this past week for allegedly posing as a doctor and giving women breast exams in bars.  The victims knew that something was up when the men in the bar offered to pay the exam bills with hundreds of singles.

2. The FBI raided three hedge fund groups that may be part of a larger insider trading scandal.  The hedge fund companies said they were worried at first but then developed an algorithm and made money off the raid.

3. A new poll shows that if elections were held today, President Obama would defeat Sarah Palin by a significant margin.  Experts say it's too soon to make any predictions, and add that Palin would likely dominate the skeet shooting portion of the debates.

4. A study done by CQ Press found that St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the country when it comes to violent crime rates.  Other cities included Camden, NJ, Oakland, CA, and oh what the hell for nostalgia sake Detroit, MI.

5. On Monday, Oprah held a second "Favorite Things" episode this year, the first time in the show's history.  Audience members received an iPad, a 2012 VW Beetle, and a gold plated placeholder for the unemployment line.

High five.

Dog-stoyevsky?

1. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin received a new puppy as a gift this weekend and he has invited all Russian citizens to help give it a name.  So far, the top suggestion has been "Dinner."

2. A study released this week shows that a new drug called anacetrapib has been so successful in lowering bad cholesterol that researchers were shocked by the results.  Scientists say the drug acts by inhibiting the receptors in your brain that make you want to watch NASCAR.

3. Newly re-elected Lisa Murkowski has become the first write-in candidate to win a Senate seat since 1954.  The last person to do it?  California Senator I.C. Weiner.

4. Federal authorities are holding onto the new TSA pat-down security checks at airports, even with the deluge of complaints from critics who see it as invasive.  Passengers point out that the pat-downs wouldn't be so bad if the screeners weren't thinking about other passengers while doing it.

5. A Wisconsin man was arrested Tuesday morning after blasting his TV with a shotgun, apparently upset over Bristol Palin's performance on Dancing with the Stars.  Similarly distraught over her daughter's performance, Sarah Palin went outside and shot a pack of wolves from a helicopter.

High five.

Ethics Rangel-ing

1. The House ethics panel investigating Rep. Charlie Rangel released a statement today saying that the congressman violated multiple ethics rules.  They added, "And these aren't just the small time ethics rules we all broke just to get into congress."

2. The owners of the Chicago Cubs are asking their home city for $300 million to renovate Wrigley Field.  So in love with their team, the city of Chicago promptly provided the team with the asked amount, whereupon the Cubs lost it in the sun.

3. The entire Beatles collection is available on iTunes today after years of turbulent litigation and negotiation.  Critics however worry that millions of iPod users will be so focused on their new choices in music that they won't have time to continue not socializing.

4. Some GOP senators are pushing to have the Federal Reserve stripped of any power to address unemployment.  This of course is not the first time members of the Republican party have wanted something to strip in front of them.

5. A new company called Made in Space is touting a new 3D printer technology that may allow them to one day print out a space station, greatly decreasing the resources need to drive current operations.  The company does say however that America will still need to run to Office Max every two months or so for the billion dollar cartridges.

High five.

Penile Denial

Brett Favre is denying claims by former SI columnist Jenn Sterger that he sent pictures of his penis to her while quarterback for the Jets. However, Sterger says the pictures clearly show a penis unsure as to which way it should bend.

High five.

Fezzy Lifting

Wilmer Valderrama, who played Fez on "That 70's Show," said today he hopes Lindsay Lohan will get her life back on track soon. Valderrama then asked reporters for whatever change they had in their pockets.

High five.

Icy Hot Heat

Miami Heat star Dwayne Wade pulled a hamstring in the preseason opener Tuesday after only 3 minutes. Not to worry though, Heat management says they've nabbed the best physical therapist free agent in all of Cleveland.

High five.

Wicca Media

Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell released a TV ad this week telling voters that she is "not a witch," backing away from comments she made years ago about once practicing Wicca. O'Donnell says she's had to summon a lot of strength to move forward, but that it was easy after summoning GROGTOR: BRINGER OF STRENGTH!

High five.

Thurber, Baby

Steve Hely, writer for NBC's "The Office," won the Thurber Prize for American Humor on Monday for his novel, "How I Became a Famous Novelist." On Tuesday, NBC is expected to introduce three new fall sitcoms based on him winning this prize.

High five.

Education Inflation

GOP senate candidate Christine O'Donnell on Friday denied reports that she has exaggerated or misrepresented her educational background. However, as of this posting, no one from her alma mater, Jesus Einstein University, could be reached for comment.

High five.

Transmission Admission

The U.S. government apologized this week for experiments on Guatemalan prisoners and mental patients in the 1940's, admitting to purposely giving STDs to hundreds. Confused as to how STDs work, Paris Hilton researched her family tree.

High five.

Return Of The J3Di

George Lucas announced today that he will be giving all of his beloved Star Wars films a 3D makeover, starting in 2012 with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. However, Lucas warns that despite state of the art technology, Hayden Christensen will continue to remain, at best, 1D.

High five.

Hot N Oversold

Los Angeles was scorched yesterday, hitting a record temperature of 113 degrees. It also marked the first time Katy Perry ever removed clothing for free.

High five.

Like Father Like Un

Kim Jong-il's son, Jong-un, widely believed to be his father's successor, has been promoted to general. In an elaborate ceremony today, Jong-il bestowed upon his son the prestigious title along with the first of many increasingly crazy-ass toupees.

High five.

It's A Bird! It's A Plane!

A Canadian engineering student has become the first person to pilot and sustain the flight of a wing-flapping aircraft powered only by himself. The student says he'll add this to the long list of things he's used to doing by himself.

High five.

Sign Of The Times

A new AP poll shows that Republican supporters are more fired up than Democratic supporters moving towards election day. However, this contradicts a new High Times poll which shows that Democrats are firing up more than Republicans.

High five.

Le Fries With That?

Mass protest has broken out in France this week over President Nicolas Sarkozy's plan to raise the country's retirement age from 60 to 62. When asked about the idea, American retirees said they were sorry but that they couldn't hear you over the death panels.

High five.

HuffPost: Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

My most recent Huffington Post article. It's about a guy who was formerly running for Stark County Treasurer in Stark County, Ohio. The only problem is... he's batshit insane. Enjoy.

Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

High five.

Salmon Jeans

The FDA recently ruled that a genetically modified salmon, one which grows twice as fast as normal, is safe to eat and may hit store shelves soon. Scientists say the salmon was originally developed for Lady Gaga, who needed pants made of live salmon, but in half the time of her regular salmon pants maker.

High five.

Blow, Cubs, Blow!

A man was arrested in Chicago this weekend after placing a bag containing a fake explosive device near Wrigley field. Investigators say it's a good thing Wrigley Field is so inactive this time of year.

High five.

Eggs-treme Recall

1. Over 300 million eggs from Wright County Egg of Galt, Iowa have been recalled due to potential salmonella contamination. Experts say returning the eggs will be expensive for the distributor, and very painful for the chickens.

2. According to a new Associated Press poll, 6 in 10 Americans oppose the war in Afghanistan. When presented with a map of Afghanistan, the remaining 4 in 10 couldn't locate their own pointer finger.

3. It was reported on Thursday that North Korea opened its own Facebook account. US officials confirmed the page's legitimacy after the rogue nation's first status update, "Nukes 4eva!"

4. A new study concerning the Creation Museum in Kentucky says that the depository may alienate more visitors than it attracts with it creationism message. Though when told you are technically related to everyone you've ever dated, perhaps a little alienation is just what the doctor ordered.

5. According to a new study, eating fish oil with a low fat/high carb diet may decrease your cholesterol. Researcher add, however, that it will also increase your distance from other people.

High five.

Boobie Trap

1. French police say they've captured three teenage girls who reportedly robbed dozens of men at ATMs by flashing their breasts and then taking the dispensed money while the men were distracted. Most of the men admitted it was an embarrassing way to be robbed. Wonderfully, wonderfully robbed.

2. A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted former baseball player Roger Clemens for lying to Congress about steroid use. Clemens has long denied the use of steroids but says that he will appear in court, as soon as all the doors to the courtroom are expanded many feet.

3. On Thursday the last American combat brigade left Iraq, signaling the near end to combat operations in the country. "Now that all Al Qaeda members have been chased out or killed, it's time to bring our troops home," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates then cracked up saying, "I'm just fuckin' with you, Al Qaeda was never there."

4. Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin says he may or may not start QB Ben Roethlisberger against the Giants this Saturday. Heh, like the word "no" has ever stopped Roethlisberger before.

5. Kat Von D of the show LA Ink on Wednesday said despite her new boyfriend Jesse James' past that she had a lot of respect for him. "I think that I'm his type on a different level than people would assume. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean we're the perfect match." Von D then pooped a tattoo.

High five.

Senate Angler

1. In an interview with the NYTimes, U.S. senate candidate Sharron Angle compared herself to the founding fathers, saying that she's getting a lot of the same criticism they probably incurred. Angle then called the NYTimes back to clarify she didn't believe she was JUST LIKE the founding fathers. Well she didn't call back, but one of her slaves did.

2. After a few embarrassing missteps, Ben Quayle, son of former vice president Dan Quayle, has reportedly lost his significant poll lead in his run for an Arizona congressional seat. And with this, the otherwise proud Quayle name may be forever tainted by instances of embarrassment and incompetence.

3. Last week musician Ted Nugent pleaded no contest to shooting a baited deer in the woods of Northern California, illegal in the state. Officials wouldn't say with what Nugent baited the animal, but it's safe to assume it wasn't his sweet guitar stylings.

4. Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he will return to the Minnesota Vikings to play football in the 2010 season. Favre will hold another press conference tomorrow to discuss his possible return in 2011.

5. Scientists in the Amazon says they've discovered a new species of bearded monkey, and add that it will go directly to the endangered species list due to its very low numbers. Researchers say their dwindling population isn't because of humans but rather the bearded monkey's natural rival, the shaving monkey.

High five.

Without A Grace

1. Nancy Grace was taken to a hospital Monday after suffering a broken foot at the office. Finally seeing their chance, seven kidnapped children escaped to freedom.

2. According to a recent report, Fox News' parent company News Corp donated $1 million to the Republican Governors Association this last June. Read the full story in this week's issue of "Wasted Print Quarterly."

3. Heidi Montag's famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, died on Monday at the age of 50. The cause of death has been determined as extreme exhaustion.

4. While discussing the future of Google recently, CEO Eric Schmidt says, "[People] want Google to tell them what they should be doing next." Experts and media analysts believe that may be a bit of a stretch, but aren't sure, and await further instruction.

5. GM announced today that it is recalling 250,000 vehicles because the seat belts may not latch securely. The company says they don't know specifically which 250,000 are affected, so try 'em out!

High five.

Implode Warrior

1. On Sunday Mel Gibson crashed his sports car into a Malibu hillside adding to his ever increasing negative press. Police say alcohol was not involved but that he unfortunately crashed into Jew Hill.

2. Reality star Tia Tequila was rushed off stage at an Insane Clown Posse music festival Friday when the crowd began throwing rocks and even feces at her. After 25 were arrested, and one man was stabbed, it was clear the Insane Clown Posse fans would not be able to conclude their festival as usual with a critical reading of Foucault.

3. Democrats say that they may slash the food stamp budget to pay for Michelle Obama's anti-obesity program called "Let's Move." Not because there's no money to pay for it, but because American's are now too fat to pick up their food stamps.

4. A research team in Pennsylvania who uncovered the bones of Irish immigrants in a mass grave a year ago believe that many of them died from violence, a result of anti-Irish sentiment of time. The researchers refused to say more until the remains went through detox.

5. Folk singer Bob Dylan will unveil over 40 new paintings done by him in September at the National Gallery of Denmark. Critics say those who love Dylan's music will probably react similarly to his paintings: "What?"

High five.

Mellow Yellow Fugitive

1. One of three escaped convicts was caught near Yellowstone on Monday, after being on the run for just 10 days. With his partners still loose somewhere between Wyoming and Montana, Tracy Province, 42, said he was relieved to have been caught. Upon hearing this, police looked confused and then replied, "Yeah? Well... maybe we changed our minds."

2. Us Magazine reports today that actor Hayden Christensen and actress Rachel Bilson have called off their wedding and engagement to take some time away from each other. No word yet on the reasoning but sources say Bilson finally got around to seeing Star Wars Episode 2 and 3.

3. On Monday, US engineer Noshir Gowadia was convicted of selling military secrets to China and prosecutors say he pocketed over $100K from the operation. Federal authorities were aware of a leak but were only tipped off to Gowadia when they discovered his vanity license plate said "SHHHHH."

4. Letitia A. Long is now the first woman to head a major US intelligence agency after taking her post as chief at the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency on Monday. Thus ends the long tradition of inaugurating chiefs with a paid female intern and a stripper pole made from redacted UFO documents.

5. Republicans in the House are pushing for a bill that will give them a tax-funded, two month recess after the midterm elections in order to stop Democrats from passing bills during the "lame duck" period. In future news, Rep. John Boehner returned to his duties after a two month vacation on the surface of the Sun.


High five.

Photo High Five #21

A Fairbanks, Alaska comic collector put his extremely rare Batman no.1 issue up for sale this week, and it's expected to fetch around $40,000 at auction. The man says he'll use the money to buy something for his girlfriend... who you haven't met... and lives up north... in the arctic circle.

Photo High Five #20

After six months of Congress playing host to corporate lobbyists, janitors begin their long, tedious, semiannual cleaning of the Congressional swimming pool.

BP = Badly Photoshopped

1. BP is the subject of even further controversy after it was discovered that a photo of their oil spill command center was heavily Photoshopped. The image went unnoticed for weeks until one web user noticed that BP CEO Tony Hayward was missing his C-section scar.

2. A Brooklyn couple is reportedly very upset with Chelsea Clinton now that the former first daughter is getting married on the same day, and withing five minutes of them, making arrangements very difficult. "Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me turned it into hell," says bride-to-be Emn Haddad-Friedman. Haddad-Friedman say however that she has invited the Clintons to stop by... Bill has RSVP'd that he will.

3. There are reports now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping around a reality TV show about their relationship. Networks said they would be interested in a pilot, but no long term commitments. To which Levi replied, "Perfect!"

4. Texas A&M announced that they will no longer supply the toilet paper in the dorms as a way of cutting costs to the school. Experts however wonder now what they'll use to clean up their own bullshit.

5. Thousands of documents released today by the website WikiLeaks, reportedly leaked by various military servicemen and women, have created even more doubts about the Afgan War. Wait... the war in Afghanistan is not going well, you say? Huh...

High five.

Jersey War

1. It's been reported that the cast of the Jersey Shore is on strike after allegedly being very dissatisfied with their recent contracts. The cast says they refuse to shoot any more scenes until they get a better deal. MTV finally caved today and granted them the free, unlimited VD tests they requested.

2. Keith Olbermann announced Friday that he will be taking a two week vacation in the wake of a feud with right wing pundit Tucker Carlson. Olbermann did not state whether the vacation was related to the feud but witnesses say Carlson Friday set a two week alarm on his Re-Douche-ination Stasis Chamber.

3. An episode of MTV's The Dudesons, about four friends who perform outrageous stunts, has been pulled from the network for its offensive nature toward Native American culture. Many music artists voiced concerns that their music may have backed some of this offensive video, but MTV assured them none of their programming is ever in danger of being involved with music.

4. On Monday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced that her request to form an official congressional Tea Party caucus has been approved by the Committee on House Administration. Bachmann says the caucus will stand for fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and of course giving a voice to the other voices in a teabagger's head.

5. In an interview with People, Spencer Pratt said that he and his wife Heidi Montag split because he chose fame over her. "We love each other but I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it," said Pratt. Unfortunately for Pratt, his fame will someday expire, and most of Heidi's body never will.

High five.

A New Lohan

1. It was announced on Friday that famed OJ Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro will be representing Lindsay Lohan as she begins serving 90 days in jail on next week. Experts, however, frighten to imagine what "bloody" item Lohan will need to fit on her person sometime in the near future.

2. Tucker Carlson today continued his feud with MSNBC's Keith Olbermann calling Olbermann "sad" and claiming he is "despised at MSNBC." Carlson then shriveled back up into the foreskin where he lives.

3. Fox News Canada has hit a snag after being denied a "must carry" license by the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. This means that Canadians will be able to choose whether or not they want the all news channel. News analysts however say that Canadians will likely opt in for the channel and be brainwashed by it so they don't appear "too mean."

4. Glenn Beck drew a large crowd in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday to sign copies of his new book "The Overton Window." People lined up for hours to get "Glenn Beck" scribbled on the inside covers, increasing the number of words in the book they actually knew to 2.

5. Republican senator David Vitter during a recent radio appearance made a joke about MSNBC's Rachel Maddow implying that doesn't look like a women. Once on the prostitution list of a DC Madam, Vitter's expertise in this field is vast, and there were far too many women for one of them not to have been mid-operation.

High five.

Unsafe Aural?

1. Researchers at the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs are reporting a new drug phenomenon whereby teens attain a high from "digital drugs," or MP3s that supposedly use "binaural, or two-toned, technology to alter brain waves and mental state." Officials worry this will lead them to experiment with more dangerous drugs like meth or heroin, as was the case with the latest Nickelback album.

2. On Thursday, President Obama applauded Congress's passing of a new financial regulation bill, what he calls the "strongest consumer financial protections in history." Experts say that it protects consumers by eliminating their money, thereby giving them nothing of value to be stolen.

3. Johnson & Johnson say they will revamp a Pennsylvania Tylenol plant, but will cut nearly 300 of the 400 workers employed there. Johnson says it's part of their latest plan to increase profits by also increasing headaches.

4. After over 80 days, BP has finally stopped the damaged Gulf oil well from flowing. The company says they're not celebrating yet as they wait and test the cap to make sure there are no unseen leaks. In future news, BP's surplus of oil well-plugging caps totaling in the millions was accidentally let loose in the Gulf today.

5. New research in HealthDay News shows that middle-aged women have another reason to keep excess weight off, as those extra pounds may add to memory loss. Diane Kerwin of Northwestern Univeristy says that "the type of fat that's deposited on the hips is more likely to release hormones that are detrimental to brain function." On the bright side, women won't remember just how fat they are.

High five.

Levi's Genes

1. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin today announced that they have gotten engaged. The couple split in 2008 and Johnston went on to pose for Playgirl and had less than kind words for the Palins. The engaged couple and baby posed for the cover of US Weekly, and an embarrassing moment arose when Levi began undressing for it.

2. Scientists say that a rare species of dark purple jellyfish are appearing in the San Diego Bay and washing up on shore. Oceanographers would like to thank the Arizona state police for reporting the sighting.

3. On Tuesday the National League finally beat the American League in the annual MLB All-Star game after a 13 year drought. The National League today said they feel very confident that they will make it to the World Series.

4. Fox News contributor Andrew Napolitano said yesterday that he "absolutely" believes that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney "should have been indicted" for the incidents at Guantanamo Bay. Napolitano went on to wish his friends and family a happy and fruitful 2006.

5. Joey Votto of the Reds said after the All-Star game that he doesn't like anyone on the Cubs, and that he wouldn't pat anyone wearing a Cubs uniform on the back. Votto's comments, referring to Marlon Byrd who made a game-saving play in right field, drew criticism from some analysts. However, in Votto's defense, he does join the greater Universe in denying the Cubs all things.

High five.

Yank Caboodle Dandy

1. Legendary Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died today at the age of 80 after suffering a massive heart attack. Steinbrenner will now move onto Heaven where he'll resume torturing Billy Martin.

2. On Monday, BP successfully fastened a larger, tighter fitting cap on the leaking Gulf oil well, slowing the spill for now, and potentially stopping it altogether. During a press conference today, BP COO Doug Suttles said there was a good chance of success. Then his head popped off and blood shot out of his neck like water out of a severed fire hydrant.

3. In a recent interview with People, Kristin Cavallari says that her show The Hills isn't real. "I would never put my close friends or a real relationship on a show," says Cavallari. You mean the thousands of vapid, substance-void conversations on The Hills over coffee, expensive dining, and meaningless fashion parties isn't how real, normally adjusted people live? Oh, you do go on!

4. Following a less than stellar Consumer Reports test, PR experts say that a recall on the iPhone hardware is inevitable, citing the company's need to maintain it's relatively good image. Upon hearing news of a possible recall, iPhone users began lining up at Apple stores five years ago.

5. Sharon Angle, the Tea Party candidate hoping to unseat Nevada senator Harry Reid this November, says that God is behind her campaign. When reached for comment God said, "Well I'm everywhere, so technically I guess I'm behind her campaign. I'm also under it, in front of it, on top of it. Lotta options."

High five.

Roaming Polanski

1. A Swiss court announced Monday that it would not extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. on child rape charges dating back to 1977. The U.S. did not supply Switzerland with court documents it requested leading the Swiss court to drop the extradition process. U.S. authorities however say Polanski may come voluntarily when he realizes that the United States is still a very young nation.

2. Former Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean was married last week. Prejean created a controversy during the Miss USA pageant when she said marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Meanwhile, in a perfect world, it was discovered that Carrie Prejean's new husband has a detachable penis.

3. During the senate confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nomination Elena Kagan, Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar asked Kagan which of the Twilight hunks she preferred, the vampire Edward or the werewolf Jacob. The question got a laugh from the gallery, at which point Klobuchar emotionally ran off, wearing an Edward tee shirt and fake fangs.

4. An L.A. times poll shows that 12% of those responding believe the latest Twilight film will not only be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, it will win. In other news, basic comprehension skills testing has been dropped from U.S. public school curriculum.

5. A drag racer in Seattle died on Sunday when his automobile's parachute came off mid-run causing him to crash. Perhaps strapping yourself into the thinly padded metal cockpit of a vehicle built only for travel in upwards of 300MPH isn't the "five star Consumer Reports" idea we thought it was.

High five.

Isner No End?

1. At Wimbledon on Wednesday, American John Isner and Frenchman Nicolas Mahut set a new grand slam singles record by playing for 10 straight hours, with the fifth set alone lasting 7 of those hours. When reached for comment, most of the world replied, "It's a good thing I hate tennis, otherwise I might've had to watch that."

2. Minnesota representative Michelle Bachmann said in an interview that she believes President Obama will "politicize" the fund used to compensate those affected by the Gulf oil spill. Bachmann then politicized the fund used to compensate those affected by the Gulf oil spill.

3. Today a decorated former Chicago police lieutenant Jon Burge was convicted on perjury and obstruction charges after he lied about torturing dozens of suspects into confessions. And with that, the clean, uncorrupted reputation of Chicago authority figures is tarnished.

4. A new study out of Harvard shows that women gain an average of 20lbs over the course of 16 years. The study however goes on to make bold exception for Harvard scientists' wives and girlfriends who "clearly have not gained any weight."

5. It's been reported that Jon Gosselin, formerly of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8, has gotten a massive tattoo on his back. Gosselin says the tattoo of a large dragon represents rebirth took 14 hours to complete. Twenty children were born.

High five.

Photo High Five #19

Miley Cyrus performs at the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto when a fan in the front row suddenly reveals their new crucifix necklace.

Madoff Money

1. A inmate serving prison time with former Ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is claiming that Madoff has $9 billion hidden from the feds. Hiding $9 billion from prison... that is one huge asshole.

2. BP CEO Tony Hayward canceled an appearance at a London oil conference on Tuesday, citing that he is still committed to assisting in the Gulf relief effort. Well, as long as his next yacht race passes through that area.

3. In her new book, actress Tori Spelling says that her 90210 cast mate Tiffani Theissen hates her. "She doesn't talk to me anymore," says Spelling. Spelling says none of her old friends seem to be available from the hours of 9 to 5.

4. During an interview last week, Kentucky senate candidate Rand Paul told Americans who were on unemployment they should take a pay cut, stop receiving government handouts, and get back to work. Paul continues to lead by economic example, abstaining from more expensive materials and using only happened-upon roadkill for his toupees.

5. According to recent reports, beach weddings along the Gulf are being scrapped at an increasing rate due to potential oil interference. Beach divorces however continue to thrive.

High five.

Prop Hate

1. Today, lawyers defending the legality of California's Proposition 8 amendment -- which bans gay marriage -- told a U.S. District judge that traditional marriage promotes procreation. This joke is brought to you by Hitler's Parents! Hitler's Parents: because procreation is AWESOME!

2. The Japanese say they will consider pulling out of an International Whaling Commission if anti-whaling bans aren't relaxed. And there was an awkward moment at a whaling regulatory meeting this week when during a discussion of the existing ban, Japanese representatives shot a harpoon at it.

3. Two studies released today by the FDA show that so-called "female Viagras" fall far short of expectations and provide lackluster results, according to female subjects. When reached for comment, males were sleeping.

4. On Tuesday, a six story statue of Jesus burned down after it was struck by lightning in the town of Monroe, OH. Sounds like a local priest may have some things he needs to come clean about!

5. On Wednesday, BP announced that they would be setting aside $20 billion in funds to compensate those individuals and businesses affected by the Gulf oil spill. When asked how the money would be divided, BP CEO Tony Hayward said they hadn't decided but that they've "gotten really good at spreading shit around the Gulf."

High five.

Photo High Five #18

At the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) in Los Angeles this week, a gamer looks on in awe during Sony's 3D presentation as he finally experiences the sensation of girls coming toward him.

HuffPost: The Snooki-McCain Twitter Conversation: Part 2

So I've been writing things for The Huffington Post comedy section and figured I might as well post the links here as well. This is the latest. You can find past my Huffington Post stuff by clicking the link to the right. No, my right.

The Snooki-McCain Twitter Conversation: Part 2

High five.

Wi, Starbucks?

1. Starbucks announced today that it will offer free Wi-Fi at all its stores as of July 1st. The company says the move will allow the free transfer of billions of unfinished screenplays.

2. On Monday, Microsoft introduced a new, slimmer Xbox 360 console just in time for summer. Microsoft says smaller is the natural evolution for most game consoles, but critics say this move comes suspiciously soon after the release the Xbox's new game series Anorexia 360.

3. Amid rising criticism from the American public as well as the U.S. government, BP today held a press conference to discuss their outline for capturing the Gulf oil spill. BP's CEO Tony Hayward highlighted the plan for the press corps, but when his pen began leaking everywhere, Hayward threw it to the ground, placed a bucket over it and ran from the room.

4. Jimmy Dean, singer and businessman famous for his breakfast sausage, died Sunday at the age of 81. Dean's family is still unsure what they will do with his remains, so it's probably a good idea not to buy Jimmy Dean products for the next month or so.

5. In a new ad, Alabama congressional Tea Party candidate Rick Barber encourages his supporters to "gather their armies" while showing a hand near a Revolutionary War era revolver. Barber says he's finally ready to serve his country after sending out mailers via Pony Express 200 years ago.

High five.

Photo High Five #17

A Frenchman paints his face with his country's national colors as France takes on Uruguay in the 2010 World Cup. This photo is deceiving as the Frenchmen is naturally running away from the action.

Photo High Five #16

After spending his day whimpering, leaving responsibility to the grownups, and hurling feces at everyone in sight, BP CEO Tony Hayward proves he can appear even higher by climbing a nearby tree.

Bonds, Shame's Bonds

1. On Friday a federal appeals court dealt prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case a huge blow when it ruled they could not use three positive steroids tests as evidence. When reached for comment, Bonds screamed, "MUSCLES!" and broke a man in half.

2. Gawker Media was contacted by the FBI this week after it reported direct contact with a group which claims to have uncovered thousands of personal email addresses through an AT&T security flaw. FBI officials say they also have some really great Rahm Emanuel upskirt photos.

3. A new study out of Wake Forest shows that men are actually more likely to be affected by the stress of a rocky relationship than women. The survey was comprised of about 1,600 subjects, half male and the other half heartless bitches.

4. On Thursday, the L.A. Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics 96-89 in game 4 of the NBA finals, tying the series at 2-2. Kobe Bryant scored 33 points, was charged with five personal fouls but no rape.

5. During a press conference on Thursday, New York congressman Anthony Weiner was injured by a goat after using the goat in a demonstration. The goat became angry and gored Weiner. However the congressman says he's just thankful the headline won't read "Weiner Gores Goat."

High five.

iBad

1. It's been reported this week that a security flaw in AT&T's wireless network allowed many iPad users' email addresses to be exposed. However, most iPad users say they hadn't even noticed since they were busy already lining up for whatever Apple releases next.

2. A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows that heart attacks are down 24% in the last decade and that the most serious ST-segment heart attack is down a whopping 62%. Your move, McDonald's.

3. Thousands of nurses walked off the job in the twin cities Minneapolis and St. Paul on Thursday for what some are calling the largest nursing strike in U.S. history. Today, hundreds of porn industry screenwriters sued the nurses union for ripping off their story about twins, nurses, jobs, and things claiming to be the largest.

4. Wilder publishing company is under fire this week for including a warning alongside their printings of the U.S. Constitution. "This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today," cautions the publisher. Dick Cheney chimed in today saying the Constitution needs no warning label... but that "it might not be a bad idea to warn of the chaffing that occurs when wiping your ass with it."

5. The NCAA has stripped USC of its 2004 college football title win and has banned the school from the postseason for 2 years after the university was found to have violated NCAA recruiting rules. This also marks the first time "stripping" has been mentioned on the USC campus without a beer bong present.

High five.

Photo High Five #15

This week, despite warnings from his top advisers, Apple CEO Steve Jobs went ahead with the release of the company's new 10ft tall iPhone. There were no survivors.

Wal-Mart U

1. Wal-Mart announced today that they are teaming up with American Public University to offer online college degrees to their employees at a reduced price. Now they can get an affordable college education from the comfort of their own banana hammock.

2. A new FBI report shows that of America's largest cities, the ones with the lowest violent crime rates are in border states, contradicting the notion that U.S.-Mexico border is a dangerous place. Anti-immigration proponents say the data is misguided, as Mexicans need only use border cities to rest before they make their way inland for a life of crime.

3. Newly released documents obtained by TMZ show that Lindsay Lohan had tested positive for cocaine use during her DUI arrest, despite the actress' denial. The documents will go back into Lohan's court file where they will remain until getting a dusting off in about a year.

4. On Wednesday, Canadian rock band Rush accused Kentucky U.S. senate candidate Rand Paul of copyright violation, saying in a letter that Paul used their work without permission. Today, Kentucky's Ku Klux Klan chapter sent Paul a similar letter.

5. R. Kelly's Chicago home is up for sale now at a price tag of $3.89 million. That price gets bumped up to $4 million however if you want them to first hose down the carpets.

High five.

Supreme Court Fudge

1. A new study released today by Findlaw.com showed that of 1,000 Americans polled, two-thirds couldn't name a single current Supreme Court Justice. Experts say this is a frightening comment on our country, but that the Justices' notoriety should increase after this season's Dancing with the Justices.

2. Video game company Take Two Interactive has agreed to a deal with basketball legend Michael Jordan for the cover of the upcoming NBA2K11. Jordan will grace the cover but will also work closely with the developers on the gameplay. In other news, Ben Roethlisberger is working closely with a local Pittsburgh strip club to determine the week's best possible stage lineup.

3. A new Gallup poll is showing the largest Republican lead in party preference since Gallup began keeping track in 1950. 49% of people asked said they'd be voting for Republicans in November, and just 43% for Democrats. For allowing them to place the poll on their site, Gallup would like to thank Rentboy.com.

4. Director James Cameron was in Washington on Tuesday to meet with scientists and US officials on possible fixes for the disastrous Gulf oil leak. Cameron is actually an expert on deep-diving submersibles and maintains a small fleet of them. US officials didn't want any of Cameron's equipment, but rather laid out various-sized buoys and asked which most resembled Kate Winslet's rack.

5. Sarah Palin caused trouble for incumbent Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski Wednesday by endorsing Murkowski's Tea Party opponent Joe Miller. Political analysts say this snub stems from Murkowski criticizing Palin after stepping down as Governor in the middle of her term. Well, that, and Palin once hunted her from a helicopter.

High five.

The Tipper Point

1. It's been reported today that after 40 years of marriage, Al and Tipper Gore are separating. The couple insists they've simply grown apart but sources say a video has surfaced of Al Gore going down on a polar ice cap.

2. Al-Qaida announced today that their No. 3, Mustafa al-Yazid, has been killed. The al-Qaida leader was killed while doing a N0. 1, and most al-Qaida members read the news while doing a No. 2.

3. A 26 year old mixed martial artist is being accused of murdering his friend while they were under the influence of mushrooms. Jarrod Wyatt reportedly killed his friend, then tore out and cooked the man's heart in an effort to "stop the devil." Police arrived on the scene just shortly after watching it on pay-per-view.

4. A recent study has shown that a widely prescribed type of anti-depressant may be linked to cataracts in seniors. However, seniors say it's helped tremendously, as they can no longer clearly see what they were so depressed about.

5. Actor Charlie Sheen will reportedly spend 30 days in a Colorado jail after reaching a plea agreement regarding charges of assault against his wife. Unfortunately, Two and a Half Men will continue on regardless.

High five.

Bullock & Load

1. It's been announced that actress Sandra Bullock will take to the red carpet again on June 6th at the MTV Movie Awards. Bullock had been recently lying low after going through a very public infidelity scandal. In future news, Sandra Bullock left the MTV Awards in shock today after the red carpet had been photographed with at least 500 other women.

2. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg said today in a Washington Post op-ed that the social network will soon feature revamped privacy controls. "Facebook has no intention of invading anyone's privacy," said Zuckerburg. Adding, "Especially for people like Kathy Mitchell of Waukegan, IL and her wide variety of personal cleavage shots."

3. According to recent reports, days before an explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that caused one of the largest spills in history, BP execs knowingly chose to seal the well with a riskier engineering method for financial reasons. BP execs today apologized saying they would make amends by properly sealing mother nature's anus after they've finished raping it.

4. Attorney General Eric Holder met with 10 US police chiefs today who all agreed that the recent controversial Arizona Immigration Law would increase crime and hinder local law enforcement. The meeting was however cut short and the bomb squad brought in when Holder was believed to possess a Mexican looking mustache.

5. GOP candidate Vaughn Ward was defeated in an Idaho Republican primary Tuesday despite being endorsed by both Sarah Palin and the GOP. While Ward was upset by a candidate of the growing Tea Party movement, analysts say it was likely due to his strong anti-potato views.

High five.

Rand Finale

1. On Sunday, Sarah Palin accused MSNBC's Rachel Maddow of conducting a "prejudiced" interview with Tea Party candidate Rand Paul after he made controversial statements about the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "You know, they are looking for the gotcha moment. And that evidently appears to be what they did with Rand Paul," said Palin. Paul said he hasn't been treated this badly since he was told he couldn't sit at the front of the limo.

2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."

3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.

4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.

5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.

High five.

Good Morning, Blumenthal!

1. Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal apologized today for misspeaking on his Vietnam service record. Blumenthal, running for one of Connecticut's US Senate seats, talked previously about his service in Vietnam, but while he served in the Marine Corps Reserves, he was never actually in Southeast Asia. Blumenthal attributed his lapse to the long hours he spends being a part time astronaut.

2. Louisiana reported on Wednesday that the first heavy oil of the disastrous BP Gulf spill has reached its marshland coast. So, things in Louisiana are finally looking up!

3. Adam Wheeler, a Harvard student, was outed this past week for using fake credentials to land financial aid and more recently a job. Wheeler's resume claimed he knew four languages and was currently authoring or co-authoring six books. Of course, having received my doctorate in Book Learningtology from Princevard University, I knew instantly that his claims were false.

4. Archeologists announced that they have found the oldest Mesoamerican tomb, dated at around 2,700 years old. The tomb contained a man scientists believe to around age 50, who was buried with jade collars, pyrite and a "Vote McCain in 690BC" button.

5. On Tuesday Wal-Mart's first quarter net income saw a 10 percent rise, mirroring a similar rise in Wal-Mart customer G-strings.

High five.