1. On Friday a federal appeals court dealt prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case a huge blow when it ruled they could not use three positive steroids tests as evidence. When reached for comment, Bonds screamed, "MUSCLES!" and broke a man in half.
2. Gawker Media was contacted by the FBI this week after it reported direct contact with a group which claims to have uncovered thousands of personal email addresses through an AT&T security flaw. FBI officials say they also have some really great Rahm Emanuel upskirt photos.
3. A new study out of Wake Forest shows that men are actually more likely to be affected by the stress of a rocky relationship than women. The survey was comprised of about 1,600 subjects, half male and the other half heartless bitches.
4. On Thursday, the L.A. Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics 96-89 in game 4 of the NBA finals, tying the series at 2-2. Kobe Bryant scored 33 points, was charged with five personal fouls but no rape.
5. During a press conference on Thursday, New York congressman Anthony Weiner was injured by a goat after using the goat in a demonstration. The goat became angry and gored Weiner. However the congressman says he's just thankful the headline won't read "Weiner Gores Goat."
High five.
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