1. Last week on his radio show, former governor Mike Huckabee said that under Obama's health plan, recently deceased Senator Ted Kennedy would have been told to "go home and take pain pills and die." Huckabee then kicked out a phat muthafuckin' jam on his bass.
2. PBS's Reading Rainbow, the show that aimed to make children book lovers, has ended after 26 years on the air. Winning more than two dozen Emmy's, only Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood have run longer on the network. John Grant, content director at Reading Rainbow's home station WNED Buffalo, says a budget crunch is partially to blame for the show's end. "However," Grant adds, "George W. Bush never liked the show and told us that no matter how hard he tried he could never read any rainbows."
3. Researchers at Georgia State University have created the world's smallest laser, 1,000 times smaller than a human hair. So far the potential applications range from taking images of molecules in our body to building computers 1,000 faster than current technology allows. Mostly, though, GSU scientists have begun using it to write tiny "Kick Me" signs on the backs of rival colleagues.
4. Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean is now suing the pageant owned by Donald Trump for religious discrimination. Prejean says pageant officials told her not to mention God even before she made her controversial comments about gay marriage. Pageant officials say Prejean violated her contract by not attending pageant events, but Prejean insists she attended all the events Trump scheduled for her under the desk in his office.
5. A new study out of the National University of South Korea shows that asparagus may help ease hangovers. The research showed that asparagus extracts protected liver cells against alcohol toxins. See, dad, when police found me with no pants passed out on a pile of asparagus at a supermarket in the middle of the night, you said I was a moron. Apparently research shows otherwise.
High five.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Climate Changing & Erin Andrews Changing
1. University of Toledo College Republicans are creating a list of liberal professors, says group president Matt Rubin. The list is said to be a directory of sorts, a way for conservative students to avoid potential bias in the classroom. "We’re giving a voice to the students that have been harassed because of their political beliefs," says Rubin. "It’s the same thing as bashing a student because they’re gay." So, being a College Republican is the same as being gay? This might be the tool for turning homosexuals straight that conservatives have been looking for.
2. The Farmer's Almanac is predicting what they call a "numbing cold" winter for the Midwest coming up in 2010. "We feel the middle part of the country's really going to be cold – very, very cold, very, very frigid, with a lot of snow," says Managing Editor Sandi Duncan. To be fair, Sandy Duncan does only have one working eye. With her skewed depth perception, the cold spell could hit anywhere in the country.
3. ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey in an interview that the nude video of her, secretly recorded in a hotel room, was a "nightmare." The reporter says she's excited to get back to work this fall and put the whole thing behind her. Unfortunately, Andrews did not anticipate the number of Erin Andrews fans who also have a nightmare fetish. "Erin Andrews nightmare" searches are up %10,000.
4. Wildfires have been sweeping across the mountains north of Los Angeles amid triple digit temperatures. Authorities say the area has not had fires for 50-60 years, providing plenty of undergrowth to fuel the current fire. And thousands of screenwriters across the country just discovered where their scripts have been all this time.
5. Senator John Kerry believes a national security threat will arise should the U.S. continue to not act more substantially in the fight against climate change. Kerry says that if the Himalayan glaciers melt by 2035 as scientists say, then the water supply of South Asia -- home to al Qaeda -- will be depleted, causing further trouble in the region. Some analysts point out that Kerry has been at the forefront of the climate change debate for years. Other analysts, however, point out that Kerry has simply been delivering a speech on climate change that has lasted for years.
High five.
2. The Farmer's Almanac is predicting what they call a "numbing cold" winter for the Midwest coming up in 2010. "We feel the middle part of the country's really going to be cold – very, very cold, very, very frigid, with a lot of snow," says Managing Editor Sandi Duncan. To be fair, Sandy Duncan does only have one working eye. With her skewed depth perception, the cold spell could hit anywhere in the country.
3. ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey in an interview that the nude video of her, secretly recorded in a hotel room, was a "nightmare." The reporter says she's excited to get back to work this fall and put the whole thing behind her. Unfortunately, Andrews did not anticipate the number of Erin Andrews fans who also have a nightmare fetish. "Erin Andrews nightmare" searches are up %10,000.
4. Wildfires have been sweeping across the mountains north of Los Angeles amid triple digit temperatures. Authorities say the area has not had fires for 50-60 years, providing plenty of undergrowth to fuel the current fire. And thousands of screenwriters across the country just discovered where their scripts have been all this time.
5. Senator John Kerry believes a national security threat will arise should the U.S. continue to not act more substantially in the fight against climate change. Kerry says that if the Himalayan glaciers melt by 2035 as scientists say, then the water supply of South Asia -- home to al Qaeda -- will be depleted, causing further trouble in the region. Some analysts point out that Kerry has been at the forefront of the climate change debate for years. Other analysts, however, point out that Kerry has simply been delivering a speech on climate change that has lasted for years.
High five.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Suicidal Planets & Gender-Neutral Swirlies
1. On Thursday, Germany presented Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu with the actual architectural blueprints from the Holocaust Nazi death camps. Netanyahu and other Israelis, in Berlin to discuss the Middle East conflict, looked at the gift uncomfortably. "Wow...," said Netanyahu. "And I didn't get you anything."
2. Astronomers have identified a suicidal planet abut 325 lightyears away from Earth. The planet is 10 times the size of Jupiter and circles the star WASP-18 at around 1.9 million miles, which is 1/50th the distance between Earth and our Sun. Scientists say the suicidal planet EMO-666 will fall into the star in about 1 million years while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
3. A&E Television announced on Thursday that it will be acquiring Lifetime Entertainment Services, including Lifetime Television, Lifetime Movie Network, and Lifetime Real Women. In an emotional scene today, Lifetime -- sporting a black eye and a fat, bloody lip -- ran into the arms of A&E just as authorities arrived to take its ex-majority stockholder away in handcuffs.
4. A transgendered teen in Vermont wants the state's middle and high schools to include gender-neutral bathrooms. Officials say such a move would be difficult simply because of budget and resource constraints. My advice is to pick the gender with the nicest bathroom and learn to love the swirly.
5. Bradley Cooper told Access Hollywood during the premiere of his film All About Steve that he's having to eat a lot of strange things to get in shape for a revamped A-Team film. "I'm on this crazy food thing for The A-Team," said Cooper. Well, probably just tastes weird because of all the career poison.
High five.
2. Astronomers have identified a suicidal planet abut 325 lightyears away from Earth. The planet is 10 times the size of Jupiter and circles the star WASP-18 at around 1.9 million miles, which is 1/50th the distance between Earth and our Sun. Scientists say the suicidal planet EMO-666 will fall into the star in about 1 million years while listening to Dashboard Confessional.
3. A&E Television announced on Thursday that it will be acquiring Lifetime Entertainment Services, including Lifetime Television, Lifetime Movie Network, and Lifetime Real Women. In an emotional scene today, Lifetime -- sporting a black eye and a fat, bloody lip -- ran into the arms of A&E just as authorities arrived to take its ex-majority stockholder away in handcuffs.
4. A transgendered teen in Vermont wants the state's middle and high schools to include gender-neutral bathrooms. Officials say such a move would be difficult simply because of budget and resource constraints. My advice is to pick the gender with the nicest bathroom and learn to love the swirly.
5. Bradley Cooper told Access Hollywood during the premiere of his film All About Steve that he's having to eat a lot of strange things to get in shape for a revamped A-Team film. "I'm on this crazy food thing for The A-Team," said Cooper. Well, probably just tastes weird because of all the career poison.
High five.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Photoshopped Faces & Palin's Facebook
1. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin posted a message to her Facebook page, encouraging everyone to watch Glenn Beck, adding that "Beck is doing an extraordinary job this week." This is oddly similar to the time my mother came into my high school physics class to tell people why I'm the coolest and why they should elect me as class president. Let's see if Beck winds up in a dumpster, too.
2. A new study out of UCLA shows that obese people have 8% less brain tissue than people with average weights. Paul Thompson, professor of neurology, says that loss of brain tissue depletes your cognitive reserves, making you more susceptible to brain diseases such as Alzheimer's. Mmm, cognitive reserve depletion never tasted so delicious.
3. Microsoft is coming under fire today after the company Photoshopped a Black man out of one of its ads for use in Poland. Microsoft left a White woman and Asian man in the picture of a boardroom meeting, but removed a Black man and added a White man in his place. The software company apologized and says it's still committed to promoting diversity. Microsoft then released a new ad which put the Black man back in the boardroom scene and even added a Hispanic man washing the outside windows.
4. A Manhattan hotel is getting a lot of attention these days because of the clear view bystanders have of some guests' nakedness. City Council members are calling the window action of the Standard Hotel unacceptable, but hotel officials have reminded guests that they can be viewed if they don't close their curtains. The hotel won a Municipal Arts Society of New York award for best new building erected, and building authorities say it likely won't be the last erection.
5. Senator Ted Kennedy died on Tuesday at the age of 77 after a battle with brain cancer. Kennedy was often call the "Lion" of the senate and was a champion of progressive causes. No joke here, really. But seriously do you think maybe Death just flat-out lost Cheney's address??
High five.
2. A new study out of UCLA shows that obese people have 8% less brain tissue than people with average weights. Paul Thompson, professor of neurology, says that loss of brain tissue depletes your cognitive reserves, making you more susceptible to brain diseases such as Alzheimer's. Mmm, cognitive reserve depletion never tasted so delicious.
3. Microsoft is coming under fire today after the company Photoshopped a Black man out of one of its ads for use in Poland. Microsoft left a White woman and Asian man in the picture of a boardroom meeting, but removed a Black man and added a White man in his place. The software company apologized and says it's still committed to promoting diversity. Microsoft then released a new ad which put the Black man back in the boardroom scene and even added a Hispanic man washing the outside windows.
4. A Manhattan hotel is getting a lot of attention these days because of the clear view bystanders have of some guests' nakedness. City Council members are calling the window action of the Standard Hotel unacceptable, but hotel officials have reminded guests that they can be viewed if they don't close their curtains. The hotel won a Municipal Arts Society of New York award for best new building erected, and building authorities say it likely won't be the last erection.
5. Senator Ted Kennedy died on Tuesday at the age of 77 after a battle with brain cancer. Kennedy was often call the "Lion" of the senate and was a champion of progressive causes. No joke here, really. But seriously do you think maybe Death just flat-out lost Cheney's address??
High five.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Papa John's & Sleepy Carnivores
1. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame reportedly does not want to do the show anymore. "I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I'm living. This is 24/7," said Gosselin. Yes, if only you could stop looking after your kids 24/7 and instead spend just a few weekends a month with them while not banging 20 year olds. Oh wait...
2. There is a new theory developing as to why humans sleep. In a new survey, UCLA sleep researcher Jerome Siegel found that carnivores sleep more than omnivores, and omnivores more than herbivores, suggesting that animals sleep according to their niche in the ecosystem. Scientists admit that while there are plenty of credible theories, they don't know the real reason why humans sleep. But I know that it lets girls know it's time to leave.
3. With more bad economic news in Japan, analysts believe Prime Minister Aso's Liberal Democratic Party may be dealt a heavy blow in the upcoming elections. Unemployment rose to 5.5% last month, including one American reporter working in Japan who mistook Prime Minister Aso's name for broken English. Sorry, Prime Minister Asshole.
4. Dr. Thomas Frieden, the new head of the U.S. Center for Disease Control says it is unlikely that new vaccines for the H1N1 (swine flu) virus will be ready for October. Frieden does say however that H1N1 is the top priority for the CDC at this time. Thankfully, there is no holiday in October where masses of people walk door to door, accept food from complete strangers, and then return to home to ingest said strangers' food.
5. Papa John's founder John Schnatter has reunited with an old Camaro he sold over 20 years ago in order to help start his now successful pizza restaurant chain. Schnatter offered a $250,000 reward to the owner and eventually was contacted by a Kentucky man. Schnatter adds that though he's got his speedy '71 Camaro Z28 back, the Papa John's delivery will remain "retard slow."
High five.
2. There is a new theory developing as to why humans sleep. In a new survey, UCLA sleep researcher Jerome Siegel found that carnivores sleep more than omnivores, and omnivores more than herbivores, suggesting that animals sleep according to their niche in the ecosystem. Scientists admit that while there are plenty of credible theories, they don't know the real reason why humans sleep. But I know that it lets girls know it's time to leave.
3. With more bad economic news in Japan, analysts believe Prime Minister Aso's Liberal Democratic Party may be dealt a heavy blow in the upcoming elections. Unemployment rose to 5.5% last month, including one American reporter working in Japan who mistook Prime Minister Aso's name for broken English. Sorry, Prime Minister Asshole.
4. Dr. Thomas Frieden, the new head of the U.S. Center for Disease Control says it is unlikely that new vaccines for the H1N1 (swine flu) virus will be ready for October. Frieden does say however that H1N1 is the top priority for the CDC at this time. Thankfully, there is no holiday in October where masses of people walk door to door, accept food from complete strangers, and then return to home to ingest said strangers' food.
5. Papa John's founder John Schnatter has reunited with an old Camaro he sold over 20 years ago in order to help start his now successful pizza restaurant chain. Schnatter offered a $250,000 reward to the owner and eventually was contacted by a Kentucky man. Schnatter adds that though he's got his speedy '71 Camaro Z28 back, the Papa John's delivery will remain "retard slow."
High five.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Testosterone & Powerball
1. On Sunday, Phillies' shortstop Eric Bruntlett ended a game against the Mets with an unassisted triple play, only the fifteenth in history, and the second ever to end a game. "I didn't know how to react," Bruntlett said. Upon hearing of the historic play, Paris Hilton shrugged. "I tag 3 guys at once all the time."
2. VH1 will reportedly not be airing original programming on the network that featured now deceased reality star and murder suspect Ryan Jenkins. Jenkins was found dead in a British Columbia motel of apparent suicide after police charged him with the brutal killing of his ex-wife. VH1 says Megan Wants A Millionaire and I Love Money 3 will both be cancelled. Today viewers everywhere wondered if Daisy de la Hoya from VH1's Daisy of Love was by chance found in a motel room, too.
3. A Florida man was arrested on Sunday night after leaving a 3 year old and 4 year old alone in a car to go to a strip club. He faces two felony counts of child neglect. He should be arrested for stupidity, because every kid in my family knows Thin Thong Thursdays are the best days for being left in the car while your dad visits a strip club!
4. A retired South Carolina state employee who won the most recent $260 million Powerball jackpot says he doesn't believe the money will change him. Solomon Jackson, Jr. retired in 2000 from the state's Revenue Department. "I know it's a lot of money, but there are more important things in life," said Jackson on a phone made of diamonds mined on Mars.
5. A new study shows that women with higher testosterone levels tend to take more risks. The study co-authored by professors from Northwestern and the University of Chicago shows that women with high testosterone levels were about 7 times more likely to take risks than women with normal levels. Well... at least that's what the intimidating testosterone-filled women with gorilla strength convinced the researchers to say.
High five.
2. VH1 will reportedly not be airing original programming on the network that featured now deceased reality star and murder suspect Ryan Jenkins. Jenkins was found dead in a British Columbia motel of apparent suicide after police charged him with the brutal killing of his ex-wife. VH1 says Megan Wants A Millionaire and I Love Money 3 will both be cancelled. Today viewers everywhere wondered if Daisy de la Hoya from VH1's Daisy of Love was by chance found in a motel room, too.
3. A Florida man was arrested on Sunday night after leaving a 3 year old and 4 year old alone in a car to go to a strip club. He faces two felony counts of child neglect. He should be arrested for stupidity, because every kid in my family knows Thin Thong Thursdays are the best days for being left in the car while your dad visits a strip club!
4. A retired South Carolina state employee who won the most recent $260 million Powerball jackpot says he doesn't believe the money will change him. Solomon Jackson, Jr. retired in 2000 from the state's Revenue Department. "I know it's a lot of money, but there are more important things in life," said Jackson on a phone made of diamonds mined on Mars.
5. A new study shows that women with higher testosterone levels tend to take more risks. The study co-authored by professors from Northwestern and the University of Chicago shows that women with high testosterone levels were about 7 times more likely to take risks than women with normal levels. Well... at least that's what the intimidating testosterone-filled women with gorilla strength convinced the researchers to say.
High five.
Friday, August 21, 2009
10/11 & Angry Barbers
1. On Thursday night a Cleveland barber returned to rob a convenient store after becoming upset over some bad beef jerky he bought there. The barber said the jerky made both him and his dog sick. You know, despite the lapse in judgment, it's just nice to know that Gary Busey is working, and a little frightful that he's a barber.
2. North Korea delivered a message from Kim Jong Il to South Korea paying respects after the death of former South Korean President Kim Dae-jung. Both countries say relations have been improving over the last year. Though, it didn't help that Jong Il's message was created using the Jong Il puppet from Team America.
3. Economists say the era of the rich getting richer may be over because of the ailing economy. John McAfee, founder of McAfee Associates, may agree. The net worth of the business man who started the antivirus software company has dropped from $100 million to only $4 million. Though down, McAfee is not out, and he's hoping his new venture, the Sad Violin Music Station, really pays off.
4. The Ricketts, a billionaire brokerage family and owners of Ameritrade, will reportedly purchase the Chicago Cubs for $845 million dollars it was reported Friday. Long time Cubs fans, the Ricketts say they are excited to see if they can change the team's luck. "We don't want them to get swept in the first round of the playoffs anymore," says Joe Ricketts. "Let's bring a World Series loss back to Chicago!"
5. Rudy Giuliani is reportedly mulling over the decision to run for New York governor. The former NYC mayor and presidential candidate said that he would make his decision in 30 to 60 days. "That way," says Giuliani, "we'll have time for not just 9/11, but 10/11, too."
High five.
2. North Korea delivered a message from Kim Jong Il to South Korea paying respects after the death of former South Korean President Kim Dae-jung. Both countries say relations have been improving over the last year. Though, it didn't help that Jong Il's message was created using the Jong Il puppet from Team America.
3. Economists say the era of the rich getting richer may be over because of the ailing economy. John McAfee, founder of McAfee Associates, may agree. The net worth of the business man who started the antivirus software company has dropped from $100 million to only $4 million. Though down, McAfee is not out, and he's hoping his new venture, the Sad Violin Music Station, really pays off.
4. The Ricketts, a billionaire brokerage family and owners of Ameritrade, will reportedly purchase the Chicago Cubs for $845 million dollars it was reported Friday. Long time Cubs fans, the Ricketts say they are excited to see if they can change the team's luck. "We don't want them to get swept in the first round of the playoffs anymore," says Joe Ricketts. "Let's bring a World Series loss back to Chicago!"
5. Rudy Giuliani is reportedly mulling over the decision to run for New York governor. The former NYC mayor and presidential candidate said that he would make his decision in 30 to 60 days. "That way," says Giuliani, "we'll have time for not just 9/11, but 10/11, too."
High five.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Teenage Plagiarism & Terrorist Prostates
1. Starbucks announced today that it will be raising the price of its more complicated drinks like the frappaccinos, and lowering the price of its simpler drinks like coffee. This is the company's plan to provide value while balancing their business responsibilities, says spokesperson Valerie O'Neil. "But don't worry," adds O'Neil. "Barista snobbery will continue to be free."
2. After kidnapping their bosses and then threatening to blow up factories, desperate and disgruntled French transport workers on the River Seine have threatened to purposely pollute the river in order to get lost wages. Initially, French authorities scoffed at the blackmail threats. However, workers' demands were quickly met after they were seen entering the water with loofahs, scrub brushes, and body wash.
3. On Thursday, Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, the man convicted of the 1988 Pan Am bombing which killed 270 people, was freed by the Scottish government. Megrahi is only 8 years into a life sentence but was released early on compassionate grounds since he has terminal prostate cancer. I'm not sure what to think of this, though it's hard to defend a guy that even cancer thinks is just a dick.
4. A woman is suing Stephenie Meyer, the author of the popular Twilight series, saying Meyer ripped off a story she wrote when she was just 15. In court papers filed on Wednesday, Jordan Scott claims Meyer's latest installment Breaking Dawn is a "significant literary departure" from her previous books. "It's seems as if the book was written by a teenager," says Scott. Actually, that's not so much a departure as it is... exactly the opposite of a departure.
5. Jennifer Aniston has reportedly been ditched again, this time by He's Just Not That Into You co-star Bradley Cooper. Cooper is said to now be dating actress Renee Zellweger. Friends of Aniston say she's fine and is "used to rejection." And still my hypothesis holds: Jennifer Aniston's vagina must have teeth.
High five.
2. After kidnapping their bosses and then threatening to blow up factories, desperate and disgruntled French transport workers on the River Seine have threatened to purposely pollute the river in order to get lost wages. Initially, French authorities scoffed at the blackmail threats. However, workers' demands were quickly met after they were seen entering the water with loofahs, scrub brushes, and body wash.
3. On Thursday, Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, the man convicted of the 1988 Pan Am bombing which killed 270 people, was freed by the Scottish government. Megrahi is only 8 years into a life sentence but was released early on compassionate grounds since he has terminal prostate cancer. I'm not sure what to think of this, though it's hard to defend a guy that even cancer thinks is just a dick.
4. A woman is suing Stephenie Meyer, the author of the popular Twilight series, saying Meyer ripped off a story she wrote when she was just 15. In court papers filed on Wednesday, Jordan Scott claims Meyer's latest installment Breaking Dawn is a "significant literary departure" from her previous books. "It's seems as if the book was written by a teenager," says Scott. Actually, that's not so much a departure as it is... exactly the opposite of a departure.
5. Jennifer Aniston has reportedly been ditched again, this time by He's Just Not That Into You co-star Bradley Cooper. Cooper is said to now be dating actress Renee Zellweger. Friends of Aniston say she's fine and is "used to rejection." And still my hypothesis holds: Jennifer Aniston's vagina must have teeth.
High five.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Classic Classism & Old Tractors
1. Internet phone company Vonage announced today that it will make most international calls free in their new $25/month standard plan. Included are about 60 countries everywhere from Asia to South America. Vonage expects the plan to be very popular and has already received a ringing endorsement from Rep. Mark Sanford.
2. Afghans are going to the polls to vote in the second-ever presidential election in the country's history. As experts predicted, the voting has been disrupted by bomb and rocket attacks. Still, Afghans are expected to turn out in record numbers to either re-elect incumbent and front runner President Hamid Karzai, or go in a new direction with challenger and long shot Burka VonWifestoning.
3. A Dallas woman was arrested on Tuesday after getting into a fight with a 13 year old boy in a wheel chair over the boy's soccer ball. The women swung her fists at the boy twice striking the pre-surgical medical halo screwed into his skull. Read all about it in the latest issue of People Fighting Kids In Wheelchairs Who By All Definitions Of Fairness In The Universe Should Be In Wheelchairs Themselves.
4. On Tuesday, a conservative bishop from Hope Christian Church joined those against Universal Healthcare calling it "reverse classism" during a C-SPAN appearance. "My life is not worth less because I'm worth more financially," said Bishop Harry Jackson. Someone from the upper class going on the most expensive media format complaining about "reverse classism" makes about as much sense as me trying to convince a girl I slept with that she had a "reverse orgasm."
5. Deere & Co., the world's largest manufacturer of farm equipment, reported a 27% decline in third quarter profits on Wednesday. The company ultimately beat expectations but is still sluggish in the weak economy. Polls show that Deere owners are not purchasing new equipment and are instead carrying Obama/Hitler posters to town hall meetings in their old tractors.
High five.
2. Afghans are going to the polls to vote in the second-ever presidential election in the country's history. As experts predicted, the voting has been disrupted by bomb and rocket attacks. Still, Afghans are expected to turn out in record numbers to either re-elect incumbent and front runner President Hamid Karzai, or go in a new direction with challenger and long shot Burka VonWifestoning.
3. A Dallas woman was arrested on Tuesday after getting into a fight with a 13 year old boy in a wheel chair over the boy's soccer ball. The women swung her fists at the boy twice striking the pre-surgical medical halo screwed into his skull. Read all about it in the latest issue of People Fighting Kids In Wheelchairs Who By All Definitions Of Fairness In The Universe Should Be In Wheelchairs Themselves.
4. On Tuesday, a conservative bishop from Hope Christian Church joined those against Universal Healthcare calling it "reverse classism" during a C-SPAN appearance. "My life is not worth less because I'm worth more financially," said Bishop Harry Jackson. Someone from the upper class going on the most expensive media format complaining about "reverse classism" makes about as much sense as me trying to convince a girl I slept with that she had a "reverse orgasm."
5. Deere & Co., the world's largest manufacturer of farm equipment, reported a 27% decline in third quarter profits on Wednesday. The company ultimately beat expectations but is still sluggish in the weak economy. Polls show that Deere owners are not purchasing new equipment and are instead carrying Obama/Hitler posters to town hall meetings in their old tractors.
High five.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Favre Unretires & Novak Retires Permanently
1. On Tuesday, Blockbuster announced that it will offer movies on Motorola cellphones. Blockbuster vice president Kevin Lewis says that thousands of movies will be available for download. Which is awesome because I'm always leaning over to my friends in movie theaters saying, "I wish that douche in front of us could do more with that cell phone."
2. Die hard conservative columnist Robert Novak has died at the age of 78. Novak was well known in political circles as the "Prince of Darkness," a label he embraced. Novak is survived by his wife, daughter and son, as well as logic and reason.
3. It was reported on Tuesday that Brett Favre will in fact play this season for the Minnesota Vikings. Last month Favre announced that he would retire and not return to play for the Vikings... after he announced still earlier that he would be retiring from the Jets... after he announced the season before that he would retire from football all together and not return to the Packers. Favre could not be reached for comment, but did release a statement today saying, "So how about that terrible Michael Vick guy, huh?"
4. Former Survivor cast member and winner Richard Hatch says he was imprisoned because he was gay. "The prosecutorial misconduct has been egregious," says Hatch, recently released from prison after being convicted of tax evasion. Imprisoned because he is gay? Maybe he should be thankful it wasn't the other way around as with most inmates.
5. Former Governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Tuesday that he doesn't believe their should be a Palestinian state in the West Bank. Huckabee acknowledged the Palestinians need a place to call their own, but that building it in the middle of the Jewish homeland is "unrealistic." Huckabee than busted out a fat ass bass solo.
High five.
2. Die hard conservative columnist Robert Novak has died at the age of 78. Novak was well known in political circles as the "Prince of Darkness," a label he embraced. Novak is survived by his wife, daughter and son, as well as logic and reason.
3. It was reported on Tuesday that Brett Favre will in fact play this season for the Minnesota Vikings. Last month Favre announced that he would retire and not return to play for the Vikings... after he announced still earlier that he would be retiring from the Jets... after he announced the season before that he would retire from football all together and not return to the Packers. Favre could not be reached for comment, but did release a statement today saying, "So how about that terrible Michael Vick guy, huh?"
4. Former Survivor cast member and winner Richard Hatch says he was imprisoned because he was gay. "The prosecutorial misconduct has been egregious," says Hatch, recently released from prison after being convicted of tax evasion. Imprisoned because he is gay? Maybe he should be thankful it wasn't the other way around as with most inmates.
5. Former Governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Tuesday that he doesn't believe their should be a Palestinian state in the West Bank. Huckabee acknowledged the Palestinians need a place to call their own, but that building it in the middle of the Jewish homeland is "unrealistic." Huckabee than busted out a fat ass bass solo.
High five.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Astronaut Floaties & McSteamy
1. The first pick of the 2009 MLB draft Stephen Strasburg is going down to the wire in his negotiations with the Washington Nationals, a Monday midnight deadline looming. With enormous buzz going into the draft, some are calling Strasburg the greatest draft talent they've ever seen. Strasburg was reportedly offered a record contract of over $10.5 million by Washington, but has yet to accept. I haven't seen a setup for disappointment this extreme since Jesus passed by that pickup basketball game short one player.
2. NASA scientists are excited about a new inflatable spacecraft shield that was successfully Monday. The device would be used slow a craft and protect it from the intense heat of re-entry. "Besides," adds project manager Mary Beth Wusk, "this is way cooler then those lame ass astronaut floaties."
3. Former NFL official Burl Toler died at the age of 81 today. His funeral will be held in his hometown of Castro Valley, CA, though his family has decided to cremate the remains so he does not become offensive and foul.
4. A sex tape has reportedly surfaced featuring Eric Dane in a three-way with his wife Rebecca Gayheart and former beauty queen Kari Ann Peniche. In related news, scientists confirm that Eric Dane not only has the ability to fly, he also poops money and needs only say his own name for both achieving an erection and completely disrobing women.
5. On Monday, Miami man Albert Gonzalez was charged by federal prosecutors in the largest credit and debit card data fraud in American history. Gonzalez, a former Secret Service informant reportedly hacked into retail networks and stole 130 million card accounts. Hear that, Nigerian bank account thieves who tell me I've inherited millions? You got nothin' on the U.S. when it comes to financial fraud! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
High five.
2. NASA scientists are excited about a new inflatable spacecraft shield that was successfully Monday. The device would be used slow a craft and protect it from the intense heat of re-entry. "Besides," adds project manager Mary Beth Wusk, "this is way cooler then those lame ass astronaut floaties."
3. Former NFL official Burl Toler died at the age of 81 today. His funeral will be held in his hometown of Castro Valley, CA, though his family has decided to cremate the remains so he does not become offensive and foul.
4. A sex tape has reportedly surfaced featuring Eric Dane in a three-way with his wife Rebecca Gayheart and former beauty queen Kari Ann Peniche. In related news, scientists confirm that Eric Dane not only has the ability to fly, he also poops money and needs only say his own name for both achieving an erection and completely disrobing women.
5. On Monday, Miami man Albert Gonzalez was charged by federal prosecutors in the largest credit and debit card data fraud in American history. Gonzalez, a former Secret Service informant reportedly hacked into retail networks and stole 130 million card accounts. Hear that, Nigerian bank account thieves who tell me I've inherited millions? You got nothin' on the U.S. when it comes to financial fraud! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
High five.
Friday, August 14, 2009
On Top Of Marilyn Monroe & Giant Cupcakes
1. GM is targeting a growing low-cost market by introducing a compact car that costs only $4,000. Experts agree this could be attractive to car dealers looking to move more vehicles. When asked how good of quality a $4,000 car could be, GM released a small group of hounds and hid in the White House bushes.
2. In bizarre news, Tom Delay will be a part of the cast for the new season of Dancing With the Stars, according to ABC. After meeting with show executives, Delay was reportedly a perfect fit for the show. However, Delay's contract stipulates that he will only be able to take the dance floor if it is first covered with campaign finance laws.
3. A new study published on the online version of the journal Nature shows that a small gene variation makes some people more treatable for hepatitis. Those with European ancestry tend to carry the gene more than African Americans, and African Americans with the gene responded better to treatment than whites without the gene. See, European girl from this weekend? I told you, you're gonna be fine!
4. This weekend the town of Manchester, NH set the world record for creating the largest cupcake ever. The cupcake baked for 12 hours, is 8 times the size of the previous record, and contains 800 eggs and 200 pounds each of flour and sugar. The record setting project helped raise money to fight breast cancer, though town officials now sort of wish it had been for diabetes.
5. Widow Elsie Poncher is selling her husband's tomb space which is located directly above deceased superstar Marilyn Monroe. The bidding opened on eBay at $500,000 and rose to over $2.5 million. Poncher then clarified that the winner would not be able to be on top of Monroe until they themselves were deceased, and the bidding returned quickly back to $500,000.
High five.
2. In bizarre news, Tom Delay will be a part of the cast for the new season of Dancing With the Stars, according to ABC. After meeting with show executives, Delay was reportedly a perfect fit for the show. However, Delay's contract stipulates that he will only be able to take the dance floor if it is first covered with campaign finance laws.
3. A new study published on the online version of the journal Nature shows that a small gene variation makes some people more treatable for hepatitis. Those with European ancestry tend to carry the gene more than African Americans, and African Americans with the gene responded better to treatment than whites without the gene. See, European girl from this weekend? I told you, you're gonna be fine!
4. This weekend the town of Manchester, NH set the world record for creating the largest cupcake ever. The cupcake baked for 12 hours, is 8 times the size of the previous record, and contains 800 eggs and 200 pounds each of flour and sugar. The record setting project helped raise money to fight breast cancer, though town officials now sort of wish it had been for diabetes.
5. Widow Elsie Poncher is selling her husband's tomb space which is located directly above deceased superstar Marilyn Monroe. The bidding opened on eBay at $500,000 and rose to over $2.5 million. Poncher then clarified that the winner would not be able to be on top of Monroe until they themselves were deceased, and the bidding returned quickly back to $500,000.
High five.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Vick & Coke
1. Early humans at least 75,000 years ago discovered that fire makes for better stone tools, according to a new report in the journal Science. The report is based off ancient tools discovered at the southern tip of Africa. Scientists say ancient humans learned that heating rocks made it easier to create stone knives and spear tips. This then led them to the next stage in human evolution: killing all humans who weren't like them.
2. Michael Vick has reportedly signed a two year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. The convicted felon told the press in the locker room he hopes people will allow him a second chance. Vick then looked to the caged Eagle's mascot across the room and gave a menacing smile.
3. On Thursday, a Miami woman doused herself in flammable liquid then lit herself on fire, only to continue walking around the Mall of Americas. Onlookers reacted in shock and panic, attempting to help the woman who was on fire for two and a half minutes. Police are unsure what caused the woman to do this, but eyewitnesses say she had just been asked out by Newt Gingrich.
4. Scientists are reporting that heart attack survivors who consume chocolate one to two times a week are 3 times less likely to die from heart disease. Experts say this is a terrific discovery in the field of heart medicine, but a sad day in the field of dentistry.
5. A new study finds that 90% of U.S. currency is laced with cocaine. Washington D.C. had the highest concentration of contaminated banknotes with about 95% of paper money there containing traces of cocaine. Scientists say this also explains the 95% crackhead rating Congress received earlier in the week.
High five.
2. Michael Vick has reportedly signed a two year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. The convicted felon told the press in the locker room he hopes people will allow him a second chance. Vick then looked to the caged Eagle's mascot across the room and gave a menacing smile.
3. On Thursday, a Miami woman doused herself in flammable liquid then lit herself on fire, only to continue walking around the Mall of Americas. Onlookers reacted in shock and panic, attempting to help the woman who was on fire for two and a half minutes. Police are unsure what caused the woman to do this, but eyewitnesses say she had just been asked out by Newt Gingrich.
4. Scientists are reporting that heart attack survivors who consume chocolate one to two times a week are 3 times less likely to die from heart disease. Experts say this is a terrific discovery in the field of heart medicine, but a sad day in the field of dentistry.
5. A new study finds that 90% of U.S. currency is laced with cocaine. Washington D.C. had the highest concentration of contaminated banknotes with about 95% of paper money there containing traces of cocaine. Scientists say this also explains the 95% crackhead rating Congress received earlier in the week.
High five.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Zombie Ants & Guy Who Hates Rosa Parks
1. According to documents released on Tuesday, Karl Rove and the Bush White House were more involved in the firings of U.S. attorneys than they previously let on. Former U.S. attorney in New Mexico David Iglesias told Newsweek that the documents show "potentially illegal reasons" for his removal. Wait until Iglesias learns that Rove also had a role in his father caring for the Grassy Knoll.
2. A new study in the September issue of American Naturalist reveals a species of fungi with the ability to control ants to do its will. The ants are infected by the fungus and then travel to die in the most advantageous spot for the fungus to spread. The name of the fungus is Ophiocordyceps unilateralis or "Rush Limbaugh."
3. A Brazilian crime show may have commissioned killings to improve their ratings, say Brazilian police. The TV show was often on the scene before authorities, bizarrely early in some instances. Upon hearing the news, the producer of American Idol who nudged Paul Abdul off the show kicked himself.
4. On Tuesday a judge ordered that sales of Microsoft Word will be banned in the U.S. in 60 days because it contains technology that violates another company's patent. Microsoft released a statement today emphasizing how disappointed they were but added that they've just stolen some time travel technology, too, so "no biggie."
5. A man at the town hall meeting with Senator Claire McCaskill is now shown in video footage to have torn up a poster of Rosa Parks, apparently unprovoked. News outlets originally showed the African American woman being escorted out but missed beforehand where the man tore up her poster of Parks. It's unsure if the man knew Parks was featured on the poster, but one thing is sure: this completely outdoes the time he parked illegally in a handicapped spot and then skipped gleefully passed a guy in a wheelchair.
High five.
2. A new study in the September issue of American Naturalist reveals a species of fungi with the ability to control ants to do its will. The ants are infected by the fungus and then travel to die in the most advantageous spot for the fungus to spread. The name of the fungus is Ophiocordyceps unilateralis or "Rush Limbaugh."
3. A Brazilian crime show may have commissioned killings to improve their ratings, say Brazilian police. The TV show was often on the scene before authorities, bizarrely early in some instances. Upon hearing the news, the producer of American Idol who nudged Paul Abdul off the show kicked himself.
4. On Tuesday a judge ordered that sales of Microsoft Word will be banned in the U.S. in 60 days because it contains technology that violates another company's patent. Microsoft released a statement today emphasizing how disappointed they were but added that they've just stolen some time travel technology, too, so "no biggie."
5. A man at the town hall meeting with Senator Claire McCaskill is now shown in video footage to have torn up a poster of Rosa Parks, apparently unprovoked. News outlets originally showed the African American woman being escorted out but missed beforehand where the man tore up her poster of Parks. It's unsure if the man knew Parks was featured on the poster, but one thing is sure: this completely outdoes the time he parked illegally in a handicapped spot and then skipped gleefully passed a guy in a wheelchair.
High five.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Clinton & Clinton
1. It's being reported by the Associated Press today the U.S. has purchased oil that was stolen from Mexico, part of illegal operations run by the Mexican drug cartel. Homeland Security is scheduled to return $2.4 million to Mexico on Tuesday. U.S. authorities grew suspicious of the oil when thousands of customers filled up their tanks and then took a huge diarrhea crap.
2. Rumors are running rampant that Facebook will develop and add its own next-gen search engine. Facebook recently acquired four former Google engineers as well as social networking site FriendFeed, making the idea of a Facebook search engine much more plausible. Experts say the new technology would take the creepy, stalkerish friend-finding parts of Facebook and add the creepy stalkerish pictures-of-friends-finding power of Google.
3. On Tuesday, GM announced that its highly anticipated energy-conscious Volt would be capable of getting 230 MPG during city driving. When asked how they arrived at 230 miles per gallon, the GM spokesperson said, "Wait... MPG doesn't stand for 'Male Points Gained'? ... you know, 'cause of how laid you'll be getting simply for driving a Volt?" The spokesperson's high fives went unanswered.
4. Sarah Palin is now asking people to be civil in the Health Care debate after claiming that Obama's plan may kill her Down Syndrome baby by way of "death panels." Today White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs continued to refute Palin's claims. "We would never kill Palin's Down Syndrome baby," said Gibbs. "I mean, seems like she cracked out enough to do the job herself."
5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton visited the Congo over concerns of violence and rape in the region, but was thrown off by a Congolese student's mistranslated question asking the Secretary of State what her husband's thoughts on the subject were. "My husband is not secretary of state, I am," said a very annoyed Clinton. She then violently raped the man.
High five.
2. Rumors are running rampant that Facebook will develop and add its own next-gen search engine. Facebook recently acquired four former Google engineers as well as social networking site FriendFeed, making the idea of a Facebook search engine much more plausible. Experts say the new technology would take the creepy, stalkerish friend-finding parts of Facebook and add the creepy stalkerish pictures-of-friends-finding power of Google.
3. On Tuesday, GM announced that its highly anticipated energy-conscious Volt would be capable of getting 230 MPG during city driving. When asked how they arrived at 230 miles per gallon, the GM spokesperson said, "Wait... MPG doesn't stand for 'Male Points Gained'? ... you know, 'cause of how laid you'll be getting simply for driving a Volt?" The spokesperson's high fives went unanswered.
4. Sarah Palin is now asking people to be civil in the Health Care debate after claiming that Obama's plan may kill her Down Syndrome baby by way of "death panels." Today White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs continued to refute Palin's claims. "We would never kill Palin's Down Syndrome baby," said Gibbs. "I mean, seems like she cracked out enough to do the job herself."
5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton visited the Congo over concerns of violence and rape in the region, but was thrown off by a Congolese student's mistranslated question asking the Secretary of State what her husband's thoughts on the subject were. "My husband is not secretary of state, I am," said a very annoyed Clinton. She then violently raped the man.
High five.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Twilight & Hasselbeck
1. View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth to her third child over the weekend. Isaiah Timothy weighs in at 7 lbs 7 ounces and is the son of former NFL player Tim Hasselbeck. No word yet on when photos of Isaiah will be released, but the baby should be able to fill his mother's role on The View within the next few weeks.
2. G.I. Joe was released this weekend, taking in a colossal $100 million globally. The film overtook Julie & Julia, G-Force, and Harry Potter for the number one spot. The film's dominance proves once again that a large number of men's "packages" are largely "unsealed" and in "mint condition," or played with alone in a bedroom.
3. Vampire tourism is booming in the town of Forks, WA, the setting for the hugely popular Twilight series. The Fork's Chamber of Commerce says they've seen almost as many visitors in a month as they did all of last year. Sadly in other tourism news, the town of Punxsutawney, PA, setting for the comedy film Groundhog's Day, is reportedly just "the same shit over and over again."
4. Alpine villagers in Fieschertal and Fiesch are asking the Pope to step in and pray with them to stop a nearby glacier from continuing to melt. Swiss glaciers have shrunk about 12% in the last ten years. The villagers are hopeful that Pope Benedict will hear their plea, but experts agree that Benedict's power may be constricted by special interests like the Big Holy Water industry.
5. Gathering statistics from the Bureau of Transportation, Travel & Leisure Magazine has voted Salt Lake City the nation's best airport, with Portland, Washington and Minneapolis following close behind. Chicago and New York City airports were considered some of the most congested. And of course the worst airport, for the 68th year in a row: Pearl Harbor.
High five.
2. G.I. Joe was released this weekend, taking in a colossal $100 million globally. The film overtook Julie & Julia, G-Force, and Harry Potter for the number one spot. The film's dominance proves once again that a large number of men's "packages" are largely "unsealed" and in "mint condition," or played with alone in a bedroom.
3. Vampire tourism is booming in the town of Forks, WA, the setting for the hugely popular Twilight series. The Fork's Chamber of Commerce says they've seen almost as many visitors in a month as they did all of last year. Sadly in other tourism news, the town of Punxsutawney, PA, setting for the comedy film Groundhog's Day, is reportedly just "the same shit over and over again."
4. Alpine villagers in Fieschertal and Fiesch are asking the Pope to step in and pray with them to stop a nearby glacier from continuing to melt. Swiss glaciers have shrunk about 12% in the last ten years. The villagers are hopeful that Pope Benedict will hear their plea, but experts agree that Benedict's power may be constricted by special interests like the Big Holy Water industry.
5. Gathering statistics from the Bureau of Transportation, Travel & Leisure Magazine has voted Salt Lake City the nation's best airport, with Portland, Washington and Minneapolis following close behind. Chicago and New York City airports were considered some of the most congested. And of course the worst airport, for the 68th year in a row: Pearl Harbor.
High five.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Waterloo & Nurse Impersonators
1. A woman in Connecticut spent more than $2,000 to stage a dinner naming her "Nurse of the Year," and is now being charged by authorities for impersonating a nurse. She said she won the award as part of the Connecticut Nursing Association, but police say the group doesn't exist. You know there are men out there who will pay you $2,000 to pretend you're a nurse, right?
2. Boston Red Sox player David Ortiz and the Baseball Player's Association are planning a press conference on Saturday to address Ortiz's failed 2003 drug test. Ortiz denies any wrong doing and the Player's Association isn't openly admitting Ortiz took performance enhancers. However they will be holding the press conference inside one of Ortiz's leftover syringes.
3. Four Chinese Muslim ex-Guantanamo Bay prisoners have recently gotten jobs on a Bermuda golf course, helping to prepare it for the upcoming PGA Grand Slam. The jobs are only temporary, and their final country of residence has yet to be determined. It's just good to see ex-Guantanamo Bay prisoners go from such a terrible place to such an inclusive, welcoming sect of society like a luxury golf club.
4. Sharon Stone has been featured topless on the cover of a French magazine called Match. News of the 51 year old actress posing topless sent men all over the internet looking for a peak. The excitement however quickly died down when men realized it was not the 80's.
5. The 911 call center in Waterloo, Iowa is officially the first place in the U.S. where you can text a 911 emergency. Experts say this is a step in the right direction, though so far the only text message the 911 call center techs in Waterloo seem to be receiving is, "Help, I'm in Waterloo, Iowa."
High five.
2. Boston Red Sox player David Ortiz and the Baseball Player's Association are planning a press conference on Saturday to address Ortiz's failed 2003 drug test. Ortiz denies any wrong doing and the Player's Association isn't openly admitting Ortiz took performance enhancers. However they will be holding the press conference inside one of Ortiz's leftover syringes.
3. Four Chinese Muslim ex-Guantanamo Bay prisoners have recently gotten jobs on a Bermuda golf course, helping to prepare it for the upcoming PGA Grand Slam. The jobs are only temporary, and their final country of residence has yet to be determined. It's just good to see ex-Guantanamo Bay prisoners go from such a terrible place to such an inclusive, welcoming sect of society like a luxury golf club.
4. Sharon Stone has been featured topless on the cover of a French magazine called Match. News of the 51 year old actress posing topless sent men all over the internet looking for a peak. The excitement however quickly died down when men realized it was not the 80's.
5. The 911 call center in Waterloo, Iowa is officially the first place in the U.S. where you can text a 911 emergency. Experts say this is a step in the right direction, though so far the only text message the 911 call center techs in Waterloo seem to be receiving is, "Help, I'm in Waterloo, Iowa."
High five.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Paula Abdul & Frisky Hypnotists
1. On Wednesday, a Little Rock, Arkansas political forum turned ugly when the crowd heckled their two Democratic Representatives, accusing them of taking away Americans' personal freedoms by supporting a government-backed health care plan. Some audience members later apologized for the outbursts, but to be fair the crowd was probably very tired, having just chased Frankenstein through town with torches.
2. A common back treatment was recently put to the test in a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Medical cement, commonly used to fix cracks in the spinal bones of the elderly was shown to work no better for back ailments than a fake treatment. Half the patients were given the medical cement while the other half was fooled into thinking they were. Doctors say it shows that procedures are sometimes rushed into wide use before they're proven effective, and that even doctors doing a study can have fun fooling the elderly.
3. The man who entered a Pennsylvania health club and opened fire on a dance aerobics class was exceedingly frustrated with meeting women, according to police who cite the man's blog as evidence. "Women just don't like me," 48 year old George Sodini said in his online journal. Guys, rule #38 on increasing your success with women, "Don't shoot women."
4. On Tuesday, Paul Abdul today announced via Twitter that she would not be returning to American Idol next season. "I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon," tweeted Abdul. Is it just me, or does Abdul type amazingly well for being drunk?
5. A South Korean hypnotist was fined for attempting to hypnotize his date in order to sneak a kiss, a report said Thursday. The hypnosis was unsuccessful and his date pushed him away, later filing a complaint with police. Or perhaps the hypnotist just wants us to think it was unsuccessful. "You will tell police I tried to kiss you, but in reality I will be touching your boobs... you will name our child Randolph and raise him to be a monkey, no matter how illogical."
High five.
2. A common back treatment was recently put to the test in a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Medical cement, commonly used to fix cracks in the spinal bones of the elderly was shown to work no better for back ailments than a fake treatment. Half the patients were given the medical cement while the other half was fooled into thinking they were. Doctors say it shows that procedures are sometimes rushed into wide use before they're proven effective, and that even doctors doing a study can have fun fooling the elderly.
3. The man who entered a Pennsylvania health club and opened fire on a dance aerobics class was exceedingly frustrated with meeting women, according to police who cite the man's blog as evidence. "Women just don't like me," 48 year old George Sodini said in his online journal. Guys, rule #38 on increasing your success with women, "Don't shoot women."
4. On Tuesday, Paul Abdul today announced via Twitter that she would not be returning to American Idol next season. "I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon," tweeted Abdul. Is it just me, or does Abdul type amazingly well for being drunk?
5. A South Korean hypnotist was fined for attempting to hypnotize his date in order to sneak a kiss, a report said Thursday. The hypnosis was unsuccessful and his date pushed him away, later filing a complaint with police. Or perhaps the hypnotist just wants us to think it was unsuccessful. "You will tell police I tried to kiss you, but in reality I will be touching your boobs... you will name our child Randolph and raise him to be a monkey, no matter how illogical."
High five.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Leaf & Ear-Cleaning Salons
1. Only 24 hours after visiting North Korea to negotiate the release of two American journalists, Bill Clinton and the imprisoned journalists boarded a plane out of North Korea. It's still unclear exactly why the former President was able to find success in a country that has historically had a very tense relationship with the U.S., but Clinton seemed unsurprised. "Listen," said Clinton, thrusting his hips forward, "releasing tension is what I do."
2. A new study done by U.S. and Spain researchers of 111 children aged 3 to 8 found that extended television viewing is linked with significantly increasing a child's blood pressure, regardless of weight. Now nothing good comes from buying a video of hobo fights and watching it with your children.
3. The American Psychological Association has voted to put itself on record as being opposed to the idea the gay people can be made straight, or "reparative therapy." Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, a group that promotes the possibility of changing sexual orientation, says he disagrees with the APA and that he himself "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." When asked why he thought the APA would take this position, Chambers added, "Because they're all totally gay."
4. On Sunday, Japanese car maker Nissan unveiled its new electric zero-emissions vehicle, the Leaf. The Leaf will go on sale in the U.S. and Europe next year in time to compete with the eco-friendly vehicles of American car companies. Experts agree the Japanese car will find acceptance in the U.S., even with its sleeker design, smaller engine, and ability to transform into a giant robot and level whole towns.
5. A man was arrested on Monday for stabbing a worker at an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo. The man had reportedly been upset after being banned from the ear-cleaning salon. Tokyo police say this incident is tied in with a larger crime spree involving an incisor-polishing boutique, an index finger-massage parlor, and an eye lid-tanning outlet.
High five.
2. A new study done by U.S. and Spain researchers of 111 children aged 3 to 8 found that extended television viewing is linked with significantly increasing a child's blood pressure, regardless of weight. Now nothing good comes from buying a video of hobo fights and watching it with your children.
3. The American Psychological Association has voted to put itself on record as being opposed to the idea the gay people can be made straight, or "reparative therapy." Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, a group that promotes the possibility of changing sexual orientation, says he disagrees with the APA and that he himself "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." When asked why he thought the APA would take this position, Chambers added, "Because they're all totally gay."
4. On Sunday, Japanese car maker Nissan unveiled its new electric zero-emissions vehicle, the Leaf. The Leaf will go on sale in the U.S. and Europe next year in time to compete with the eco-friendly vehicles of American car companies. Experts agree the Japanese car will find acceptance in the U.S., even with its sleeker design, smaller engine, and ability to transform into a giant robot and level whole towns.
5. A man was arrested on Monday for stabbing a worker at an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo. The man had reportedly been upset after being banned from the ear-cleaning salon. Tokyo police say this incident is tied in with a larger crime spree involving an incisor-polishing boutique, an index finger-massage parlor, and an eye lid-tanning outlet.
High five.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Obama Slang & Optimal Sleep Temperatures
1. On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to North Korea, unofficially to negotiate the release of two detained American journalists and possibly ease nuclear tensions. Clinton was welcomed by a young Pyongyang girl who presented the former leader with flowers, a customary North Korean greeting. Clinton answered with his own traditional greeting, after which the young girl ran off crying and rehooking her bra.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
Monday, August 3, 2009
15 Eggs & Giant Invisible Rabbits
1. On Sunday Arizona Senator John McCain said he was still unsure whether or not he would confirm Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. McCain voted against Sotomayor when she was nominated for the appeals court but did call her a great American success story. "Still," said McCain, "I need more info before pick this woman. I mean... has she ever shot a wolf from a helicopter?"
2. In an effort to bulk up his India rugby team, Coach Norman Laker has ordered his players to consume at least 15 eggs every day. Laker says that elite rugby players in his native South Africa eat seven meals a day. In related news, trying to bulk down, Oprah announced today that she will lay a least 15 eggs every day.
3. A Taipei man who lost his phone on July 24th snorkeling was shocked when the phone was found and returned to him in perfect working order. Reportedly a lifeguard found the phone and tracked the man down using his saved numbers. The man's only complaint was his ringtone being changed to the Baywatch theme.
4. On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will shove off on a tour of Africa to tackle its most troubled spots, reinforcing the Obama administration's commitment to the region. When asked what areas of Africa she thought were most troubled, Clinton pulled out a map and awkwardly circled the entire African continent.
5. Steven Spielberg is slated to direct a remake of Jimmy Stewart's 1950 classic film Harvey, the story of a man who claims his best friend is a giant invisible rabbit. The studio says the film could be out as early as late 2010, though no one has yet been cast to reprise Stewart's role. Spielberg isn't saying how he'll handle the film's giant invisible rabbit, but Hollywood insiders say he'll probably just use the one Gary Busey talks to.
High five.
2. In an effort to bulk up his India rugby team, Coach Norman Laker has ordered his players to consume at least 15 eggs every day. Laker says that elite rugby players in his native South Africa eat seven meals a day. In related news, trying to bulk down, Oprah announced today that she will lay a least 15 eggs every day.
3. A Taipei man who lost his phone on July 24th snorkeling was shocked when the phone was found and returned to him in perfect working order. Reportedly a lifeguard found the phone and tracked the man down using his saved numbers. The man's only complaint was his ringtone being changed to the Baywatch theme.
4. On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will shove off on a tour of Africa to tackle its most troubled spots, reinforcing the Obama administration's commitment to the region. When asked what areas of Africa she thought were most troubled, Clinton pulled out a map and awkwardly circled the entire African continent.
5. Steven Spielberg is slated to direct a remake of Jimmy Stewart's 1950 classic film Harvey, the story of a man who claims his best friend is a giant invisible rabbit. The studio says the film could be out as early as late 2010, though no one has yet been cast to reprise Stewart's role. Spielberg isn't saying how he'll handle the film's giant invisible rabbit, but Hollywood insiders say he'll probably just use the one Gary Busey talks to.
High five.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
