1. On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to North Korea, unofficially to negotiate the release of two detained American journalists and possibly ease nuclear tensions. Clinton was welcomed by a young Pyongyang girl who presented the former leader with flowers, a customary North Korean greeting. Clinton answered with his own traditional greeting, after which the young girl ran off crying and rehooking her bra.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
15 Eggs & Giant Invisible Rabbits
1. On Sunday Arizona Senator John McCain said he was still unsure whether or not he would confirm Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. McCain voted against Sotomayor when she was nominated for the appeals court but did call her a great American success story. "Still," said McCain, "I need more info before pick this woman. I mean... has she ever shot a wolf from a helicopter?"
2. In an effort to bulk up his India rugby team, Coach Norman Laker has ordered his players to consume at least 15 eggs every day. Laker says that elite rugby players in his native South Africa eat seven meals a day. In related news, trying to bulk down, Oprah announced today that she will lay a least 15 eggs every day.
3. A Taipei man who lost his phone on July 24th snorkeling was shocked when the phone was found and returned to him in perfect working order. Reportedly a lifeguard found the phone and tracked the man down using his saved numbers. The man's only complaint was his ringtone being changed to the Baywatch theme.
4. On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will shove off on a tour of Africa to tackle its most troubled spots, reinforcing the Obama administration's commitment to the region. When asked what areas of Africa she thought were most troubled, Clinton pulled out a map and awkwardly circled the entire African continent.
5. Steven Spielberg is slated to direct a remake of Jimmy Stewart's 1950 classic film Harvey, the story of a man who claims his best friend is a giant invisible rabbit. The studio says the film could be out as early as late 2010, though no one has yet been cast to reprise Stewart's role. Spielberg isn't saying how he'll handle the film's giant invisible rabbit, but Hollywood insiders say he'll probably just use the one Gary Busey talks to.
High five.
2. In an effort to bulk up his India rugby team, Coach Norman Laker has ordered his players to consume at least 15 eggs every day. Laker says that elite rugby players in his native South Africa eat seven meals a day. In related news, trying to bulk down, Oprah announced today that she will lay a least 15 eggs every day.
3. A Taipei man who lost his phone on July 24th snorkeling was shocked when the phone was found and returned to him in perfect working order. Reportedly a lifeguard found the phone and tracked the man down using his saved numbers. The man's only complaint was his ringtone being changed to the Baywatch theme.
4. On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will shove off on a tour of Africa to tackle its most troubled spots, reinforcing the Obama administration's commitment to the region. When asked what areas of Africa she thought were most troubled, Clinton pulled out a map and awkwardly circled the entire African continent.
5. Steven Spielberg is slated to direct a remake of Jimmy Stewart's 1950 classic film Harvey, the story of a man who claims his best friend is a giant invisible rabbit. The studio says the film could be out as early as late 2010, though no one has yet been cast to reprise Stewart's role. Spielberg isn't saying how he'll handle the film's giant invisible rabbit, but Hollywood insiders say he'll probably just use the one Gary Busey talks to.
High five.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Glenn Beck & Carcinogens
1. On Tuesday, after months of speculation, Brett Favre announced that he would not be coming back to play pro football with the Minnesota Vikings. Favre said it was one of the most difficult decisions he's ever had to make. The future Hall of Fame quarterback has yet another press conference planned for next month to announce whether or not he will return to his saved game in Madden '09.
2. Yesterday, Glenn Back stated on the show Fox & Friends that he believes President Obama is a racist. The Fox News network distanced themselves saying Beck "expressed a personal opinion which represented his own views." Fox News apologized for Beck's unorthodox behavior then corrected the situation by digitally adding tears to his appearance.
3. A new collection of studies says tanning beds are as deadly a carcinogen as arsenic. The research found that the risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when people begin using tanning beds before the age of 30. Who's laughing now, hot tan girls made famous by Laguna Beach and The Hills who would never date the very pasty me!?
4. An anonymous source said Tuesday that Yahoo and Microsoft will join forces to compete with Google in the search engine world. Reportedly, Microsoft will provide its technology and new search engine Bing, while Yahoo will handle ad sales and customer service. In short, taking into account security patch updates, Yahoo will be available for about 20 minutes of every day.
5. A study done by the journal Health Affairs says that nearly 10% of health spending is related to obesity. Health spending overall is close to $147 billion, double what is was 10 years ago. The journal says that while 10% on obesity is significant the figure could be larger, but researchers point out that it is very difficult to locate wallets on fat people.
High five.
2. Yesterday, Glenn Back stated on the show Fox & Friends that he believes President Obama is a racist. The Fox News network distanced themselves saying Beck "expressed a personal opinion which represented his own views." Fox News apologized for Beck's unorthodox behavior then corrected the situation by digitally adding tears to his appearance.
3. A new collection of studies says tanning beds are as deadly a carcinogen as arsenic. The research found that the risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when people begin using tanning beds before the age of 30. Who's laughing now, hot tan girls made famous by Laguna Beach and The Hills who would never date the very pasty me!?
4. An anonymous source said Tuesday that Yahoo and Microsoft will join forces to compete with Google in the search engine world. Reportedly, Microsoft will provide its technology and new search engine Bing, while Yahoo will handle ad sales and customer service. In short, taking into account security patch updates, Yahoo will be available for about 20 minutes of every day.
5. A study done by the journal Health Affairs says that nearly 10% of health spending is related to obesity. Health spending overall is close to $147 billion, double what is was 10 years ago. The journal says that while 10% on obesity is significant the figure could be larger, but researchers point out that it is very difficult to locate wallets on fat people.
High five.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Terrell Owens Thinking & Rick Sanchez Journalisting
1. Buffalo Bills' Terrell Owens, no stranger to trouble, criticized NFL commissioner Roger Goodell calling his treatment of Michael Vick unfair. It was rumored that Goodell would give a four game suspension to Vick should he be reinstated. Adding four games to a two year prison sentence, said Owens, was like "kicking a dead horse." Today Vick distanced himself from Owens saying, "Everyone knows kicking a dead horse is a bad idea, especially if you need your dogs to have quality horse meat."
2. The New York Daily News reported on Monday that MLB commissioner Bud Selig may consider reinstating Pete Rose, 20 years after the hits leader was banned for life for gambling on baseball. Despite a statement released by Selig saying his thinking on the matter had not changed, Rose has already placed a significant wager in Vegas that he will be reinstated.
3. Yesterday Hawaii's Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino tried to end all arguments from "Birthers," those who believe President Obama was not born in this country, saying she has "seen the original vital records ... verifying Barrack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii." However, experts agree the issue would never have arose if Hawaiians used standard birth certificates and not thinly sliced Spam.
4. A new study out of Virginia Tech Transportation Institute shows that texting while driving makes drivers 23 times more likely to get into a collision. The 18 month study followed more than 100 truckers and measured factors such as reaction time and time spent texting. However, more surprising was the text sent most commonly between truckers: "trucking lol!"
5. CNN host Rick Sanchez tweeted some harsh words about HBO host Bill Maher saying, "The more I watch bill maher, the more I realize what an opportunist he is. He'll say anything to get people to say ooohh! Even if bs!" Rick Sanchez then continued his run for the Pulitzer by being tasered.
High five.
2. The New York Daily News reported on Monday that MLB commissioner Bud Selig may consider reinstating Pete Rose, 20 years after the hits leader was banned for life for gambling on baseball. Despite a statement released by Selig saying his thinking on the matter had not changed, Rose has already placed a significant wager in Vegas that he will be reinstated.
3. Yesterday Hawaii's Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino tried to end all arguments from "Birthers," those who believe President Obama was not born in this country, saying she has "seen the original vital records ... verifying Barrack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii." However, experts agree the issue would never have arose if Hawaiians used standard birth certificates and not thinly sliced Spam.
4. A new study out of Virginia Tech Transportation Institute shows that texting while driving makes drivers 23 times more likely to get into a collision. The 18 month study followed more than 100 truckers and measured factors such as reaction time and time spent texting. However, more surprising was the text sent most commonly between truckers: "trucking lol!"
5. CNN host Rick Sanchez tweeted some harsh words about HBO host Bill Maher saying, "The more I watch bill maher, the more I realize what an opportunist he is. He'll say anything to get people to say ooohh! Even if bs!" Rick Sanchez then continued his run for the Pulitzer by being tasered.
High five.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Taco Bell & Fringe Movements
1. The Taco Bell chihuahua, famous for uttering the phrase "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in so many TV ads, has died at the age of 15. The fast food company released a statement today saying they were saddened by the news. Like so many dogs before her, the chihuahua will be ceremoniously added to the Taco Bell ground beef.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
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