1. On Friday, Michigan authorities discovered over 100 dogs living in the home of a mentally disabled man where living conditions were described as filthy and disastrous. Police were again shocked to discover nearly 150 deceased dogs in the man's basement freezer. "I don't know what to say," said the ill man, embarrassed. "If I had known their was company I would have put one in the fridge to thaw for later."
2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.
3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.
4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."
5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"
High five.
Showing posts with label Supreme Court. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Supreme Court. Show all posts
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Taco Bell & Fringe Movements
1. The Taco Bell chihuahua, famous for uttering the phrase "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in so many TV ads, has died at the age of 15. The fast food company released a statement today saying they were saddened by the news. Like so many dogs before her, the chihuahua will be ceremoniously added to the Taco Bell ground beef.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson & Strip Searches
1. The White House announced today that President Obama would nominate former Bush administration official Meredith Attwell Baker to a Republican seat on the FCC. Meanwhile, Meredith Vieira remains optimistic that Obama will honor her request to be Secretary of Dimly Lit Game Show Stages.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
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