1. A new book called A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez accuses the former Rangers shortstop of tipping off opposing hitters of what pitches to expect while he played in Texas. Rodriguez allegedly gave special signals for different pitches. If it was a fastball, A-Rod would remove his hat. If it was a curveball, A-Rod would scratch his elbow. And if it was a slider, A-Rod would shrivel his penis.
2. Vice President Joe Biden yesterday advised all Americans to avoid confined spaces such as airplanes, buses, cars, and classrooms. Upon hearing the news, Fox News removed its head from Karl Rove's ass.
3. The US military announced it will be testing a new experimental aircraft that can travel 6 times the speed of sound on ordinary jet fuel. The X-51, or WaveRider, stays airborne thanks partly to the shock wave of its own propulsion. The program costs $246 million, or as military officials joke, "This $246 million just broke the sight barrier! Where'd it go? Heh ... but seriously, it's very expensive."
4. In Saudi Arabia, an 8 year old girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband. Saudi Arabia has been criticized for its history of "child weddings." The husband of the girl is breathing a sigh of relief however, saying, "I'm just glad we're getting divorced before she learns what half is."
5. Some controversial kid drawings, depicting planes crashing into the World Trade Center, were removed from the FEMA website today. The drawings are part of a coloring book called "A Scary Thing Happened," and show other disasters that might be scary for kids, like house fires, rain storms, and 50 year old Saudi men who want to marry them.
High five.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Arlen Specter & Eight Kids
1. On Tuesday, Senator Arlen Specter, a Republican from Pennsylvania, announced that he would be switching to the Democratic party. Specter is considered to be a moderate who believes in abortion rights but opposes gay marriage. Republicans were understandably upset over the news, but Specter calmed their outrage. "Listen, it's important that we keep abortion legal for the sake of marriage," said the Senator. "If you've got a better way to get rid of gay babies, I'd like to hear it!"
2. T.G.I. Friday's announced Monday that it will be reducing the prices of many of its full-portion menu items to as little as $5. This doesn't necessarily make me want to run to a T.G.I. Friday's, but if my car breaks down on the interstate, now I might consider using their parking lot to check my engine.
3. Egypt has begun the slaughter of nearly 300,000 pigs living within the country in an effort to stop the spread of the swine flu. Analysts see the move as an overreaction, but Egypt says it's not trying to be all doom and gloom. "We're consider this a chance to celebrate as well," says Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. "I mean, come on, Jesus is on his way back to Earth and we got seven seals to open!"
4. Today marked President Barack Obama's 100th day in office. Some analysts are attempting to make this benchmark a microcosm for what to expect in the President's remaining time in office, but most experts agree that this is yet another intrusion by Big Calendar.
5. Jon Gosselin of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8 released a statement today denying rumors that he has been unfaithful. "These allegations are ridiculous," said Gosselin. "How could I cheat on my wife and 8 children? ... No, seriously, physically, how could I do it? My wife has more sperm inside her than I do. Where my balls used to be is now just a small, skin-colored, crocheted sack. My pelvis has been legally designated a dry county."
High five.
2. T.G.I. Friday's announced Monday that it will be reducing the prices of many of its full-portion menu items to as little as $5. This doesn't necessarily make me want to run to a T.G.I. Friday's, but if my car breaks down on the interstate, now I might consider using their parking lot to check my engine.
3. Egypt has begun the slaughter of nearly 300,000 pigs living within the country in an effort to stop the spread of the swine flu. Analysts see the move as an overreaction, but Egypt says it's not trying to be all doom and gloom. "We're consider this a chance to celebrate as well," says Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. "I mean, come on, Jesus is on his way back to Earth and we got seven seals to open!"
4. Today marked President Barack Obama's 100th day in office. Some analysts are attempting to make this benchmark a microcosm for what to expect in the President's remaining time in office, but most experts agree that this is yet another intrusion by Big Calendar.
5. Jon Gosselin of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8 released a statement today denying rumors that he has been unfaithful. "These allegations are ridiculous," said Gosselin. "How could I cheat on my wife and 8 children? ... No, seriously, physically, how could I do it? My wife has more sperm inside her than I do. Where my balls used to be is now just a small, skin-colored, crocheted sack. My pelvis has been legally designated a dry county."
High five.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sick Day
Sorry, I was sick all day today with flu like symptoms and was in no condition to be funny. Stupid swine with their stupid flu and their stupid Mexican hat dances. So, with that, I will at least leave you with five reasons that being sick sucks.
Five jokes returns Wednesday.
High five.
5 Reasons Being Sick Sucks
1. I just woke up. It's nearly 2AM Central time and I just found the energy to rise. Chills, sniffles, headache, all-day-in-bed smell.
2. No sexy sick voice. Girls usually have a sexy sick voice. Tests have clearly shown that I am not a girl. Social interaction has clearly shown that I am not sexy. And, as you can imagine, looking sickly only helps that.
3. When you're sick and in bed, there is never anything to watch on TV. Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Not a chance. When you're sick, only the finest films will do... films like Sleeping With The Enemy starring Julia Roberts. Always the thriller you welcome when your head is full of mucus.
4. Things you want or need to feel better are only accessible by taking off your comfy silk pajamas and putting on your rigid, cardboard street clothes.
5. Nothing you read is quite as interesting when interrupted by hacking, coughing, and the always lovely projectile sneeze. Wonderful.
Five jokes returns Wednesday.
High five.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Bea Arthur & Nude Hikers
1. IBM has announced that it is in the home stretch of completing a computer program that will compete against human contestants from the show Jeopardy! Scientists say that if successful, Artificial Intelligence will have made a significant "leap forward." The company is already hard at work on a second, groundbreaking computer program that will actually battle cancer in online poker.
2. Beyonce Knowles, former Destiny's Child front woman turned solo artist and actress, is achieving box office success with her new film Obsessed taking in $28 million this past weekend. In a related story, Knowles Destiny's Child group mate Kelly Rowland also had reason to celebrate this weekend when she found a "cool looking rock on the beach."
3. Citizens in the Swiss Alps town of Appenzell Inner Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking, an activity that had gained popularity in the region over the past year. Though the number of nude hikers was not very large, hiking traffic is expected to suffer significant shrinkage, says Mayor Virgin Van Tinypenis.
4. Legendary TV comedian Bea Arthur died on Saturday after an Emmy and Tony Award winning career. He was 86.
5. A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Mexico City on Monday, shaking a people that are already on edge due to the swine flu outbreak. With news of the quake, God felt bad for the Mexican people, saying, "They've been through a lot, but it'll all blow over pretty soo--oh shit, forgot about the Mexican zombies!"
High five.
2. Beyonce Knowles, former Destiny's Child front woman turned solo artist and actress, is achieving box office success with her new film Obsessed taking in $28 million this past weekend. In a related story, Knowles Destiny's Child group mate Kelly Rowland also had reason to celebrate this weekend when she found a "cool looking rock on the beach."
3. Citizens in the Swiss Alps town of Appenzell Inner Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking, an activity that had gained popularity in the region over the past year. Though the number of nude hikers was not very large, hiking traffic is expected to suffer significant shrinkage, says Mayor Virgin Van Tinypenis.
4. Legendary TV comedian Bea Arthur died on Saturday after an Emmy and Tony Award winning career. He was 86.
5. A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Mexico City on Monday, shaking a people that are already on edge due to the swine flu outbreak. With news of the quake, God felt bad for the Mexican people, saying, "They've been through a lot, but it'll all blow over pretty soo--oh shit, forgot about the Mexican zombies!"
High five.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sarah Palin & Microwaves
1. President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were relocated to a safe area today after a small plane ventured into restricted air space near the White House. However, the situation quickly dissipated as the pilot obeyed orders to land without incident, while the President and Vice President were nestled safely inside Dick Cheney's enormous balls.
2. A new survey finds that Americans' views on necessities are changing. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe microwaves, televisions, and home air conditioning to be more of a luxury than a necessity, perhaps unsurprising given the declining economy. However, as the survey also points out, Americans prefer the roominess of a refrigerator box.
3. The supporters of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin have set up a defense fund to fight the more than $500,000 is legal fees she owes. The fund does have some restrictions, including a $150 limit or 3 wolf pelts.
4. In Colorado Springs on Thursday, a pregnant woman was chased by a bear and then hit by a car while attempting to flee. Thankfully, the pregnant woman is reported to be fine, but the bear had to be put down, since it did not have the proper license to bear arms.
5. Al Gore urged lawmakers on Friday to work together in battling global climate change. The former Vice President told the congressional hearing that technology these days is just too advanced for us to do nothing. Gore then introduced his new inventions the iPod, Xbox360, and the foaming soap dispenser.
High five.
2. A new survey finds that Americans' views on necessities are changing. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe microwaves, televisions, and home air conditioning to be more of a luxury than a necessity, perhaps unsurprising given the declining economy. However, as the survey also points out, Americans prefer the roominess of a refrigerator box.
3. The supporters of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin have set up a defense fund to fight the more than $500,000 is legal fees she owes. The fund does have some restrictions, including a $150 limit or 3 wolf pelts.
4. In Colorado Springs on Thursday, a pregnant woman was chased by a bear and then hit by a car while attempting to flee. Thankfully, the pregnant woman is reported to be fine, but the bear had to be put down, since it did not have the proper license to bear arms.
5. Al Gore urged lawmakers on Friday to work together in battling global climate change. The former Vice President told the congressional hearing that technology these days is just too advanced for us to do nothing. Gore then introduced his new inventions the iPod, Xbox360, and the foaming soap dispenser.
High five.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Dick Cheney & iPhone Apps
1. Apple today removed a controversial app from their store that simulates shaking a baby to death. "Babyshaker" shows a crying baby that will only stop crying after the user violently shakes his/her iPhone. Apple apologized for allowing the app, saying, "It should never have been released, and naturally it should have come after the 'Unprotected Drunken Sex In A Meth Addicts '89 Tempo' app."
2. Facebook held an unprecedented week-long vote which concluded today concerning the site's Terms of Service (TOS). Facebook users voted on a number of changes for the governance of the site. The TOS includes new items like 1) no unauthorized use of user photos by Facebook, 2) updated privacy setting options to sure up security, and 3) the prohibition of deceptively hot profile photos used by ugly people.
3. The AP obtained Iraqi government statistics which records 87,215 violent Iraqi deaths since 2005. The figure was always a guarded secret with the Bush administration, but the AP at last uncovered the figure by counting the tick marks on Dick Cheney's bedroom wall.
4. On Thursday, 21 horses died unexpectedly during polo's US Open at the International Polo Club in Palm Beach. The horses were supposed to be supplied with a common compound supplement that was presumably mixed incorrectly. The pharmacy technicians responsible for prepping the drug apologized profusely saying the dose given to the horses was meant for an Amy Winehouse/Courtney Love studio collaboration.
5. It was reported today that cost cutting has helped Microsoft's profits remain stable even with a steep loss in revenue. The news bodes well for the release of Microsoft's next operating system Windows 7 in 2010, and the many security flaw fixes for Windows 7 in the minutes that follow.
High five.
2. Facebook held an unprecedented week-long vote which concluded today concerning the site's Terms of Service (TOS). Facebook users voted on a number of changes for the governance of the site. The TOS includes new items like 1) no unauthorized use of user photos by Facebook, 2) updated privacy setting options to sure up security, and 3) the prohibition of deceptively hot profile photos used by ugly people.
3. The AP obtained Iraqi government statistics which records 87,215 violent Iraqi deaths since 2005. The figure was always a guarded secret with the Bush administration, but the AP at last uncovered the figure by counting the tick marks on Dick Cheney's bedroom wall.
4. On Thursday, 21 horses died unexpectedly during polo's US Open at the International Polo Club in Palm Beach. The horses were supposed to be supplied with a common compound supplement that was presumably mixed incorrectly. The pharmacy technicians responsible for prepping the drug apologized profusely saying the dose given to the horses was meant for an Amy Winehouse/Courtney Love studio collaboration.
5. It was reported today that cost cutting has helped Microsoft's profits remain stable even with a steep loss in revenue. The news bodes well for the release of Microsoft's next operating system Windows 7 in 2010, and the many security flaw fixes for Windows 7 in the minutes that follow.
High five.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Jerry Falwell & Fishing
1. On Wednesday the FDA announced that it would allow 17 year old women to buy the Plan B contraception (also known as the morning after pill) over the counter, as has been available to women 18 and over already. The decision is likely to stir debate on reproduction rights, but all parties agree some good can come from a readily available morning after pill. "Plan B, this is Octomom. Octomom, Plan B."
2. An Ivy League student from Brown University is writing a new book about one semester he spent infiltrating Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, a school with significantly more conservative views than his own. Kevin Roose attended lectures on the myth of evolution, the sin of homosexuality, and of course the obscure, Falwell-directed art film My Dinner With Tinky Winky.
3. A software upgrade to AT&T's network will nearly double current downloading speeds, Telephony Magazine reported. The upgrade is a quick boost to current 3G technologies before AT&T evolves to a 4G network. Also, on a sadder note, people subscribe to magazines about phones.
4. Keith Olbermann will join MLB.com and write regular baseball columns and blogs. Olbermann says his new MLBlog, Baseball Nerd, gives him a chance at some politics-free writing. The issues he's tackled so far include the new Yankee ballpark, the new Mets ballpark, and an expose on whether or not they contain deep bunkers where George W. Bush personally tortures people.
5. A new fishing game in the works for Xbox360 is being touted as the most realistic fishing game ever created. Aside from sporting a fishing rod controller, the game is said to contain "realistic lake bottom topography, advanced graphics, and life-like fish behavior." Though, game makers warn that technology is still limited and that they have yet to successfully decipher the drunk, asshole friend matrix.
High five.
2. An Ivy League student from Brown University is writing a new book about one semester he spent infiltrating Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, a school with significantly more conservative views than his own. Kevin Roose attended lectures on the myth of evolution, the sin of homosexuality, and of course the obscure, Falwell-directed art film My Dinner With Tinky Winky.
3. A software upgrade to AT&T's network will nearly double current downloading speeds, Telephony Magazine reported. The upgrade is a quick boost to current 3G technologies before AT&T evolves to a 4G network. Also, on a sadder note, people subscribe to magazines about phones.
4. Keith Olbermann will join MLB.com and write regular baseball columns and blogs. Olbermann says his new MLBlog, Baseball Nerd, gives him a chance at some politics-free writing. The issues he's tackled so far include the new Yankee ballpark, the new Mets ballpark, and an expose on whether or not they contain deep bunkers where George W. Bush personally tortures people.
5. A new fishing game in the works for Xbox360 is being touted as the most realistic fishing game ever created. Aside from sporting a fishing rod controller, the game is said to contain "realistic lake bottom topography, advanced graphics, and life-like fish behavior." Though, game makers warn that technology is still limited and that they have yet to successfully decipher the drunk, asshole friend matrix.
High five.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Perez Hilton & Fonts
1. In recent interviews, Miss California Carrie Prejean says that her views on gay marriage ultimately cost her the crown. When asked by judge Perez Hilton during the Miss USA competition about her stance on same sex marriage, Prejean said she believed marriage "should be between a man and a women." Perez Hilton was reportedly so insulted by the contestant's response that his penis retracted back into his vagina.
2. Google revealed an image search tool today that would make it easier for users to find images that are "alike in terms of their content, perspective and color." For instance if you had a photo of an old leathery pouch, you could click "similar images" to locate other photos of Amy Winehouse.
3. The font Comic Sans has come under increased scrutiny recently, with many typeface experts calling for its elimination. Hate for the font has even spawned websites which consider Comic Sans evil. I'm not a big fan of Comic Sans myself, but evil? Are we all forgetting Hitler Helvetica?
4. It was reported on Monday that Texas Instruments posted a better than expected profit this quarter, though revenue has fallen about 36%. When asked about precise figures, CEO Richard Templeton typed in some numbers, then handed over a calculator that read
.
5. Boston University Medical School student Philip Markoff, nicknamed the Craigslist Killer, was formally charged today with murdering one woman and attacking another. The 22 year old allegedly met with woman who advertised massage services on Craigslist. Markoff enjoys massages... likes to play doctor... and somewhere in America a prison cellmate has just won the lottery.
High five.
2. Google revealed an image search tool today that would make it easier for users to find images that are "alike in terms of their content, perspective and color." For instance if you had a photo of an old leathery pouch, you could click "similar images" to locate other photos of Amy Winehouse.
3. The font Comic Sans has come under increased scrutiny recently, with many typeface experts calling for its elimination. Hate for the font has even spawned websites which consider Comic Sans evil. I'm not a big fan of Comic Sans myself, but evil? Are we all forgetting Hitler Helvetica?
4. It was reported on Monday that Texas Instruments posted a better than expected profit this quarter, though revenue has fallen about 36%. When asked about precise figures, CEO Richard Templeton typed in some numbers, then handed over a calculator that read
.5. Boston University Medical School student Philip Markoff, nicknamed the Craigslist Killer, was formally charged today with murdering one woman and attacking another. The 22 year old allegedly met with woman who advertised massage services on Craigslist. Markoff enjoys massages... likes to play doctor... and somewhere in America a prison cellmate has just won the lottery.
High five.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Miss USA & Electric Cars
1. On Sunday in Las Vegas, Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton was crowned Miss USA. Dalton, a student from East Carolina University, bested Miss California and Miss Arizona to take home the title. But pageant experts say she will likely be the underdog later this month when she takes on Miss Iran, who probably has radioactive powers.
2. President Obama said on Sunday that he plans to take on the issue of credit card abuse, cracking down on card companies that attempt to deceive consumers. Obama says misleading interest rate hikes may be to blame for so many Americans incurring such record debt. The President also highlighted the need for individual financial responsibility by finally paying off a jacket he put on layaway in 1983.
3. A book given to President Obama by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has soared to the tops of bestseller lists. On Saturday Chavez presented Obama with a copy of The Open Veins of Latin America by Eduardo Galeano. Also given to Obama, though not quite as popular, was Chavez's own debut album entitled Venez-swingin'.
4. A new investigation by the Associated Press reports that U.S. manufacturers have legally released about 270 million pounds of pharmaceutical chemicals into the nation's waterways, including some that provide drinking water. In a completely unrelated story, Bret Michaels' VH1 show Rock Of Love received record viewership for its 3rd season finale.
5. Leading auto companies have reached an agreement on the common plug to be used for recharging electric vehicles. Volkswagon, BMW, Ford, GM and others have decided on a 3-pronged, 400 volt plug that can recharge an electric car in minutes. The fueling nozzle for gas-powered vehicles will, however, go unchanged and remain in the shape of an Oil CEO's penis.
High five.
2. President Obama said on Sunday that he plans to take on the issue of credit card abuse, cracking down on card companies that attempt to deceive consumers. Obama says misleading interest rate hikes may be to blame for so many Americans incurring such record debt. The President also highlighted the need for individual financial responsibility by finally paying off a jacket he put on layaway in 1983.
3. A book given to President Obama by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has soared to the tops of bestseller lists. On Saturday Chavez presented Obama with a copy of The Open Veins of Latin America by Eduardo Galeano. Also given to Obama, though not quite as popular, was Chavez's own debut album entitled Venez-swingin'.
4. A new investigation by the Associated Press reports that U.S. manufacturers have legally released about 270 million pounds of pharmaceutical chemicals into the nation's waterways, including some that provide drinking water. In a completely unrelated story, Bret Michaels' VH1 show Rock Of Love received record viewership for its 3rd season finale.
5. Leading auto companies have reached an agreement on the common plug to be used for recharging electric vehicles. Volkswagon, BMW, Ford, GM and others have decided on a 3-pronged, 400 volt plug that can recharge an electric car in minutes. The fueling nozzle for gas-powered vehicles will, however, go unchanged and remain in the shape of an Oil CEO's penis.
High five.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Pope Benedict & Lichens
1. GM's CEO Fritz Henderson says that the company will need another $5 billion in government funding soon in order to continue restructuring. GM has already received $13.5 billion from the government and critics are growing weary of GM's situation. Henderson tried to brush off his detractors, saying, "Listen, it's tough for everybody, even me. I get up in the morning and my butler puts my pants on me one leg at a time, same as everyone else. Sometimes he throws me off balance and we have to try again with a fresh pair of pantaloons, disposing of the used ones, but eventually he gets those pants on me, and I may as well be Mr. John Everyman."
2. Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN in a race to reach 1 million twitter followers. When ask why the victory was so important to him, Kutcher said, "I believe that we're at a place now where one person's voice can be as powerful as an entire news network." Upon hearing the news that Ashton Kutcher's voice would be as powerful as CNN's thanks to the internet, the internet dropped a plugged-in toaster into its bath.
3. The government today lifted some research restrictions in the use of embryonic stem cells, allowing cells culled from fertility clinic embryos that otherwise would be thrown away. However, still restricted by government regulations (via taxpayer money) is the creation of embryos, the destruction of embryos, and of course... "Embryo fight!"
4. A scientist at the University of California Riverside has discovered a new species of lichen, a plant-like growth which looks similar to moss, and named it after President Obama. The new species, Caloplaca obamae, was named for Obama, the scientist says, out of appreciation for the President's support for the sciences. In a similar story, a new species of vampire bat that feeds off humans for sustenance has been nicknamed "the Cheney."
5. Pope Benedict XVI said recently after a trip to Africa that the answer to the AIDS epidemic is not condoms, and that condoms may actually worsen the problem. A Vatican official then whispered into the Pope's ear at which point the Pope said, "Oh, oh, we don't want to get rid of them? Oh, I see, I'm sorry, I misheard the question. Yeah, for sure, condoms all the way."
High five.
2. Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN in a race to reach 1 million twitter followers. When ask why the victory was so important to him, Kutcher said, "I believe that we're at a place now where one person's voice can be as powerful as an entire news network." Upon hearing the news that Ashton Kutcher's voice would be as powerful as CNN's thanks to the internet, the internet dropped a plugged-in toaster into its bath.
3. The government today lifted some research restrictions in the use of embryonic stem cells, allowing cells culled from fertility clinic embryos that otherwise would be thrown away. However, still restricted by government regulations (via taxpayer money) is the creation of embryos, the destruction of embryos, and of course... "Embryo fight!"
4. A scientist at the University of California Riverside has discovered a new species of lichen, a plant-like growth which looks similar to moss, and named it after President Obama. The new species, Caloplaca obamae, was named for Obama, the scientist says, out of appreciation for the President's support for the sciences. In a similar story, a new species of vampire bat that feeds off humans for sustenance has been nicknamed "the Cheney."
5. Pope Benedict XVI said recently after a trip to Africa that the answer to the AIDS epidemic is not condoms, and that condoms may actually worsen the problem. A Vatican official then whispered into the Pope's ear at which point the Pope said, "Oh, oh, we don't want to get rid of them? Oh, I see, I'm sorry, I misheard the question. Yeah, for sure, condoms all the way."
High five.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
John Madden & Trains
1. It was announced today that, after thirty seasons in broadcasting, John Madden is retiring. Maintaining an illustrious career, the 79 year old is a former player, a former coach, and even a tycoon in the video game world. When ask about future plans, Madden said he will be moving to Florida, where he and Brett Favre will get an apartment together.
2. On Wednesday Columbia's most wanted drug lord was captured in a raid involving hundreds of policemen. Daniel Rendon Herrera, also known as "Don Mario," was considered to be one of the most feared drug traffickers in the world. Don Mario's drugs are said to be the most potent because of the plants he uses, giving users almost supernatural abilities.
3. Frank Sintra's "My Way" is the most popular funeral song, a new London poll finds. Finishing out the top three were "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler and "Time To Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli. And once again, finishing dead last, "Necrophilia Dance Party" by The Atheists.
4. Two Dominoes employees were charged with delivering prohibited foods after they posted a YouTube video of themselves preparing pizzas in ways which clearly violated health codes. The video shows the two now-fired employees sticking cheese up their noses and putting mucus on sandwiches. A Dominoes spokesperson issued an angry statement, saying, "Their behavior was outrageous, our mucus campaign doesn't start till summer!"
5. Today Barack Obama and the Transportation Secretary announced plans for a high speed rail system in the United States. "Imagine whisking through towns at over 100MPH," said the President. Obama then went into a routine of speed related shtick. "These trains are so fast, Paris Hilton is like, whoa, slow down! Heh, these trains are so fast, female passengers aren't just bound for their destination, they're bound to be unsatisfied! What about this one? Our current train system is so slow, Sarah Palin adopted it and named it Train!" At that point, the President tugged his collar, whispered "tough crowd," and exited quickly.
High five.
2. On Wednesday Columbia's most wanted drug lord was captured in a raid involving hundreds of policemen. Daniel Rendon Herrera, also known as "Don Mario," was considered to be one of the most feared drug traffickers in the world. Don Mario's drugs are said to be the most potent because of the plants he uses, giving users almost supernatural abilities.
3. Frank Sintra's "My Way" is the most popular funeral song, a new London poll finds. Finishing out the top three were "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler and "Time To Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli. And once again, finishing dead last, "Necrophilia Dance Party" by The Atheists.
4. Two Dominoes employees were charged with delivering prohibited foods after they posted a YouTube video of themselves preparing pizzas in ways which clearly violated health codes. The video shows the two now-fired employees sticking cheese up their noses and putting mucus on sandwiches. A Dominoes spokesperson issued an angry statement, saying, "Their behavior was outrageous, our mucus campaign doesn't start till summer!"
5. Today Barack Obama and the Transportation Secretary announced plans for a high speed rail system in the United States. "Imagine whisking through towns at over 100MPH," said the President. Obama then went into a routine of speed related shtick. "These trains are so fast, Paris Hilton is like, whoa, slow down! Heh, these trains are so fast, female passengers aren't just bound for their destination, they're bound to be unsatisfied! What about this one? Our current train system is so slow, Sarah Palin adopted it and named it Train!" At that point, the President tugged his collar, whispered "tough crowd," and exited quickly.
High five.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Dumb Babies & No-Hitters
1. Researchers reported on Wednesday that toddlers born to mothers who took the epilepsy drug valproate have lower IQ's than toddlers who were not. For years, evidence has suggested that prenatal exposure to the drug could cause major problems, and researchers say this study only highlights those assumptions. Still, scientists say, more unfortunate are the ill-fated children prenatally exposed to the drug Losercyl.
2. Actor Jamie Foxx recently apologized for comments he made on his radio program about Miley Cyrus. "Make a sex tape, and grow up," Foxx had said about the 16 year old actress. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way," his apology stated. "I meant to say, grow up first, and then make a sex tape with me."
3. Today thousands of groups around the country gathered to protest U.S. corporate bailouts and excessive government spending. In a symbolic gesture, protesters threw bags of tea at the White House, and in Boston, not far from where the actual Boston Tea Party took place, they dressed in Revolutionary clothing. But some thought the symbolism went too far when 1/3 of the crowd died from smallpox.
4. Clovis West high school baseball team in Fresno, California has reached a remarkable feat by pitching three no-hitters within the first six games of the season. The high school, now nicknamed No-Hit High, applauded the team's effort. The three ace pitchers, however, could not be reached for comment because they were too busy getting laid.
5. Russian surgeons were shocked this past week when they discovered a small fir tree growing inside a man's lungs. The man was put under the knife after a growth was detected and presumed to be cancerous. However, doctors were shocked yet again with what they found within that fir tree. You guessed it: Anthony Edwards circa Revenge of the Nerds...
High five.
2. Actor Jamie Foxx recently apologized for comments he made on his radio program about Miley Cyrus. "Make a sex tape, and grow up," Foxx had said about the 16 year old actress. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way," his apology stated. "I meant to say, grow up first, and then make a sex tape with me."
3. Today thousands of groups around the country gathered to protest U.S. corporate bailouts and excessive government spending. In a symbolic gesture, protesters threw bags of tea at the White House, and in Boston, not far from where the actual Boston Tea Party took place, they dressed in Revolutionary clothing. But some thought the symbolism went too far when 1/3 of the crowd died from smallpox.
4. Clovis West high school baseball team in Fresno, California has reached a remarkable feat by pitching three no-hitters within the first six games of the season. The high school, now nicknamed No-Hit High, applauded the team's effort. The three ace pitchers, however, could not be reached for comment because they were too busy getting laid.
5. Russian surgeons were shocked this past week when they discovered a small fir tree growing inside a man's lungs. The man was put under the knife after a growth was detected and presumed to be cancerous. However, doctors were shocked yet again with what they found within that fir tree. You guessed it: Anthony Edwards circa Revenge of the Nerds...
High five.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Marlee Matlin & Brass Knuckles
1. On Monday a Minnesota court ruled that Democrat Al Franken received more votes than Republican opponent Norm Coleman in the state's Senate race. Norm Coleman, running for re-election, has vowed to appeal the decision with the Minnesota Supreme Court, saying, "This court's ruling tonight ... is inconsistent with the Minnesota tradition of enfranchising voters, maintaining a democracy, and making me win."
2. In her new book, actress Marlee Matlin claims that her once-romantic relationship with actor William Hurt was at times physically abusive. The book is set to come out today and is entitled, "Last Names Of People To Avoid At All Costs."
3. Last week video game publisher Electronic Arts sent out the promo pack for their new Godfather II title, including with it a set of brass knuckles, which are illegal to possess in some states. EA immediately began recalling the promotional weaponry and said in an open letter to longstanding critics of video game violence, "So... we're cool, right?"
4. On Monday, Amazon.com said an embarrassing cataloging error was responsible for thousands of gay and lesbian books losing their site rankings and becoming more difficult to find. Critics cried discrimination, but Amazon insists it was all a misunderstanding and released an apology saying, "We're totally not gay, but we have nothing against gay people. We have tons of gay friends and even employ gay people. Name one? Okay... um, shoot, what's that fruit's name in accounting? Well, 'gay' accounting, I mean. Obviously we keep them segregated. ... What?"
5. Boston Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett was handed a 6-game suspension for throwing intentionally at the head of Angels' outfielder Bobby Abreu. Abreu was granted a timeout while Beckett was already in his windup. Beckett said later he didn't want to stop for fear of injuring his arm. "It could end somebody's [pitching] career," Beckett said, after THROWING AT A MAN'S HEAD.
High five.
2. In her new book, actress Marlee Matlin claims that her once-romantic relationship with actor William Hurt was at times physically abusive. The book is set to come out today and is entitled, "Last Names Of People To Avoid At All Costs."
3. Last week video game publisher Electronic Arts sent out the promo pack for their new Godfather II title, including with it a set of brass knuckles, which are illegal to possess in some states. EA immediately began recalling the promotional weaponry and said in an open letter to longstanding critics of video game violence, "So... we're cool, right?"
4. On Monday, Amazon.com said an embarrassing cataloging error was responsible for thousands of gay and lesbian books losing their site rankings and becoming more difficult to find. Critics cried discrimination, but Amazon insists it was all a misunderstanding and released an apology saying, "We're totally not gay, but we have nothing against gay people. We have tons of gay friends and even employ gay people. Name one? Okay... um, shoot, what's that fruit's name in accounting? Well, 'gay' accounting, I mean. Obviously we keep them segregated. ... What?"
5. Boston Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett was handed a 6-game suspension for throwing intentionally at the head of Angels' outfielder Bobby Abreu. Abreu was granted a timeout while Beckett was already in his windup. Beckett said later he didn't want to stop for fear of injuring his arm. "It could end somebody's [pitching] career," Beckett said, after THROWING AT A MAN'S HEAD.
High five.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Glenn Beck & Saggy Pants
1. Some residents of Riviera Beach, Florida are fighting an unconventional city ordinance which makes it illegal to wear sagging pants, as is the style these days with many young men. Backing the argument that the law is unconstitutional are many legal experts, the Office of the Palm Beach County Defender, and the Disproportionately Long Torso League.
2. When it came to the abduction of a U.S. ship captain by pirates off the coast of Somalia, the event yielded very little to joke about. But now with Capt. Richard Phillips rescued and newly released photos of the incident, the situation has revealed itself to have been, in fact, hilarious.
3. The White House today announced that it will relax restrictions on money transfers and family travel between the U.S. and Cuba, believing that it will "hasten democratic change in the Communist island nation." After the announcement was made Monday, thousands of human-sized bags of money were transferred from Cuba to the U.S.
4. Fox News personality Glenn Beck is reportedly planning a six-stop comedy tour where he will "mix topical comedy with his modern-day take on 'Common Sense,' the Thomas Paine pamphlet." Read all about it in this month's issue of Unquestionably Qualified.
5. Over the weekend in Tampa, Florida, a passenger took control of and landed a King Air twin-engine plane after the pilot died unexpectedly mid-flight. After the courageous landing, a flight crew boarded the plane finding the deceased pilot, a family of four, and in the pilot's chair? Chuck Norris' mustache.
High five.
2. When it came to the abduction of a U.S. ship captain by pirates off the coast of Somalia, the event yielded very little to joke about. But now with Capt. Richard Phillips rescued and newly released photos of the incident, the situation has revealed itself to have been, in fact, hilarious.
3. The White House today announced that it will relax restrictions on money transfers and family travel between the U.S. and Cuba, believing that it will "hasten democratic change in the Communist island nation." After the announcement was made Monday, thousands of human-sized bags of money were transferred from Cuba to the U.S.
4. Fox News personality Glenn Beck is reportedly planning a six-stop comedy tour where he will "mix topical comedy with his modern-day take on 'Common Sense,' the Thomas Paine pamphlet." Read all about it in this month's issue of Unquestionably Qualified.
5. Over the weekend in Tampa, Florida, a passenger took control of and landed a King Air twin-engine plane after the pilot died unexpectedly mid-flight. After the courageous landing, a flight crew boarded the plane finding the deceased pilot, a family of four, and in the pilot's chair? Chuck Norris' mustache.
High five.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Coke II & Psychics
1. The 2010 Volkswagon Golf VI has been awarded the title of World's Best Car, an honor decided by 65 automotive journalists from 25 countries. The Golf beat out fifty other cars for the title, including the Audi A4 and the BMW 7 Series. What did the judges pick as the World's Worst Car? For the sixth straight year, Noam Chomsky.
2. There are early signs that the economy is leveling off, one expert is saying, and though there are still bumps to come, the worst is probably over. The expert refused to identify himself, but says he has a credible business background. Read all about it in his new book, "Coke II: It Can Still Work."
3. Time Warner Cable is pitching an idea for its subscribers that could charge heavy internet users about $150 a month. The idea was met with overwhelming outrage, with critics saying that it could "strangle internet innovation in the U.S." In unrelated news, Kleenex and lotion stocks have plummeted.
4. Lindsay Lohan today said that she wants to buy the rights to Stevie Nicks' life story and portray the Fleetwood Mac singer on the big screen. In a New York Times interview, Nicks, 60, shot down Lohans idea saying, "Over my dead body." Lohan, upon hearing this, wrung her hands and whispered, "And now I play the waiting game."
5. It was reported today that Dionne Warwick owes $2.18 million in California back taxes. Warwick told officials that she had no idea she had any delinquent tax bills, to which California officials replied, "Heh, okay, Miss Psychic Friends Network."
High five.
2. There are early signs that the economy is leveling off, one expert is saying, and though there are still bumps to come, the worst is probably over. The expert refused to identify himself, but says he has a credible business background. Read all about it in his new book, "Coke II: It Can Still Work."
3. Time Warner Cable is pitching an idea for its subscribers that could charge heavy internet users about $150 a month. The idea was met with overwhelming outrage, with critics saying that it could "strangle internet innovation in the U.S." In unrelated news, Kleenex and lotion stocks have plummeted.
4. Lindsay Lohan today said that she wants to buy the rights to Stevie Nicks' life story and portray the Fleetwood Mac singer on the big screen. In a New York Times interview, Nicks, 60, shot down Lohans idea saying, "Over my dead body." Lohan, upon hearing this, wrung her hands and whispered, "And now I play the waiting game."
5. It was reported today that Dionne Warwick owes $2.18 million in California back taxes. Warwick told officials that she had no idea she had any delinquent tax bills, to which California officials replied, "Heh, okay, Miss Psychic Friends Network."
High five.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Jesus & Baby Fat
1. The director of the CIA Leon Panetta said Thursday that the agency would no longer use secret prisons as a way of interrogating terror suspects. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that remaining "black sites" will be closed, wink, and that the U.S. would no longer, wink, support such practices... wink.
2. On Wednesday, Britney Spears put a Vancouver concert on hold for 30 minutes due to smokey conditions, saying later that crew members were becoming ill. In a related story, a March 10th Phish show is on Day 30 of a similar suspension.
3. Shawn Merriman, a former bishop for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was charged with defrauding investors of over $20 million in a Ponzi scheme that went on for over fifteen years. Merriman used the money to cover his lavish lifestyle, buying expensive cars, homes and religious artworks. Authorities were tipped off to the scheme when Merriman began purchasing famous paintings, including Rembrandt's Jesus Lights Cigar With Hundred Dollar Bill.
4. Iran announced Thursday that it has made new progress in the development of nuclear technologies, including a thousand new centrifuges for enriching uranium. The U.S. and its allies maintain that Iran is inching towards a nuclear weapon, but Iran denies the charges, insisting they've only been developing new power plants, medical treatments, and nuclear-powered stoning rocks.
5. Three new studies have discovered unexpectedly large amounts of brown fat (or baby fat) in adults, which is good for weight control. The fat was originally believed to disappear after infancy, hence the term "baby fat," but may now serve as a new strategy for battling obesity in adults. Upon hearing the news, Nicole Richie ate a baby.
High five.
2. On Wednesday, Britney Spears put a Vancouver concert on hold for 30 minutes due to smokey conditions, saying later that crew members were becoming ill. In a related story, a March 10th Phish show is on Day 30 of a similar suspension.
3. Shawn Merriman, a former bishop for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was charged with defrauding investors of over $20 million in a Ponzi scheme that went on for over fifteen years. Merriman used the money to cover his lavish lifestyle, buying expensive cars, homes and religious artworks. Authorities were tipped off to the scheme when Merriman began purchasing famous paintings, including Rembrandt's Jesus Lights Cigar With Hundred Dollar Bill.
4. Iran announced Thursday that it has made new progress in the development of nuclear technologies, including a thousand new centrifuges for enriching uranium. The U.S. and its allies maintain that Iran is inching towards a nuclear weapon, but Iran denies the charges, insisting they've only been developing new power plants, medical treatments, and nuclear-powered stoning rocks.
5. Three new studies have discovered unexpectedly large amounts of brown fat (or baby fat) in adults, which is good for weight control. The fat was originally believed to disappear after infancy, hence the term "baby fat," but may now serve as a new strategy for battling obesity in adults. Upon hearing the news, Nicole Richie ate a baby.
High five.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Bob Dylan & Kumar
1. On Tuesday, GM and Segway revealed that they are partnering up in the development of a new two-wheeled electric vehicle. The 300 pound vehicle can reportedly travel up to 35 miles and reach speeds of around 35MPH on a single charge. By teaming up with Segway, the faltering GM has put its finger on the nation's pulse and finally answered the question Americans have been asking for years: "How can I be more like a mall cop?"
2. National security officials are warning that the U.S. electrical grid is in serious danger of being compromised by Chinese hackers, though it's not clear yet if any attacks have taken place. Water systems, financial networks, and nuclear power plants are also at risk, officials say. What isn't at risk? Our state-of-the-art fortune cookie grid.
3. In a recent interview with the Times, Bob Dylan said he was intrigued by President Barack Obama. "He's got an interesting background," said Dylan. "He's like a fictional character, but he's real." Though, for the sake of accurate reporting, the Times later admitted, "We're like 60% sure that's what he actually said."
4. Actor Kal Penn, Kumar from the popular Harold and Kumar films, has decided to leave his character on the show House to take a job as the new associate director of Public Liaisons for the White House. For those unfamiliar, the Office of Public Liaisons builds relationships and creates dialogue with American communities outside of Washington. Dialogue which will now start with, "Dude!"
5. Nearly 10,000 people rioted in the streets in the eastern European country of Moldova on Tuesday to protest the country's Communist leadership. Authorities say the group was able to gather so quickly thanks to social networks such as Facebook and Twitter. Protesters clashed with police and damaged government buildings, but President Vladimir Voronin refused to budge, denouncing them as "fascists intoxicated with hatred LOL!"
High five.
2. National security officials are warning that the U.S. electrical grid is in serious danger of being compromised by Chinese hackers, though it's not clear yet if any attacks have taken place. Water systems, financial networks, and nuclear power plants are also at risk, officials say. What isn't at risk? Our state-of-the-art fortune cookie grid.
3. In a recent interview with the Times, Bob Dylan said he was intrigued by President Barack Obama. "He's got an interesting background," said Dylan. "He's like a fictional character, but he's real." Though, for the sake of accurate reporting, the Times later admitted, "We're like 60% sure that's what he actually said."
4. Actor Kal Penn, Kumar from the popular Harold and Kumar films, has decided to leave his character on the show House to take a job as the new associate director of Public Liaisons for the White House. For those unfamiliar, the Office of Public Liaisons builds relationships and creates dialogue with American communities outside of Washington. Dialogue which will now start with, "Dude!"
5. Nearly 10,000 people rioted in the streets in the eastern European country of Moldova on Tuesday to protest the country's Communist leadership. Authorities say the group was able to gather so quickly thanks to social networks such as Facebook and Twitter. Protesters clashed with police and damaged government buildings, but President Vladimir Voronin refused to budge, denouncing them as "fascists intoxicated with hatred LOL!"
High five.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Mickey Rourke & Fat Kids
1. In a win against the Colorado Rockies Monday, Arizona Diamondbacks switch-hitters Tony Clark and Felipe Lopez each homered from both sides of the plate, the first time it had ever occurred on opening day. Upon hearing the news, Lindsay Lohan shrugged, "It's been done."
2. On Sunday, oscar-nominated actor Mickey Rourke fought in a WWE match against Chris Jericho, knocking out the professional wrestler, much to the crowds delight. When asked later how it felt to beat Jericho, Rourke looked confused. "Jericho?" he said. "That wasn't a hooker?"
3. Michael Jordan was elected into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. Jordan is bittersweet with the news, acknowledging the honor but saying it unfortunately means his basketball career is "completely over." Jordan, however, wasted no time in announcing a new hobby which he says will provide plenty of challenges: marital fidelity.
4. A recent New York Times/CBS poll shows that Americans have become more optimistic about the economy since President Obama took office. The complete Times story was unavailable, however, since the unemployed hobo using the newspaper for a blanket had turned over, obscuring my view.
5. A new study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that 1 in 5 American 4-year-olds is obese. Researchers say it's important to keep that in mind for the future when America's dance floors are dominated by the "Truffle Shuffle."
High five.
2. On Sunday, oscar-nominated actor Mickey Rourke fought in a WWE match against Chris Jericho, knocking out the professional wrestler, much to the crowds delight. When asked later how it felt to beat Jericho, Rourke looked confused. "Jericho?" he said. "That wasn't a hooker?"
3. Michael Jordan was elected into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. Jordan is bittersweet with the news, acknowledging the honor but saying it unfortunately means his basketball career is "completely over." Jordan, however, wasted no time in announcing a new hobby which he says will provide plenty of challenges: marital fidelity.
4. A recent New York Times/CBS poll shows that Americans have become more optimistic about the economy since President Obama took office. The complete Times story was unavailable, however, since the unemployed hobo using the newspaper for a blanket had turned over, obscuring my view.
5. A new study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that 1 in 5 American 4-year-olds is obese. Researchers say it's important to keep that in mind for the future when America's dance floors are dominated by the "Truffle Shuffle."
High five.
Monday, April 6, 2009
A-Rod & iPhones
1. Researchers in Brooklyn have been developing an experimental drug that could someday be used to erase painful memories in humans. The drug is probably years away and will require more funding, but today the scientists received a billion dollars from George W. Bush.
2. North Korea went forward with a long-range rocket launch on Sunday, drawing the ire of the world community. The rocket, which traveled over 1,300 miles before splashing down in the Pacific, is considered by experts to be the beginning stages of an ICBM program. In unrelated news, North Korea has invested half its GDP in that drug that erases everyone's memory of this.
3. Yankees third basemen Alex Rodriguez won't be in the lineup on opening day because of hip surgery which will keep him out until mid-May. When asked about how he'll handle sitting out for so long, Rodriguez said, “Oh, I'm nailing Madonna, it's cool.”
4. Thousands of programmers are flocking to the popular iPhone to create games and applications as a way of making money in the troubled economy. But with over 25,000 programs available already, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to be profitable, leading many to call for the legalization and taxing of iPot.
5. Over the weekend, Roger Friedman, an entertainment columnist for Foxnews.com, was fired for reviewing the yet-to-be released film X-Men Origins: Wolverine using a pirated copy he downloaded off the internet. Fox News says the review has been removed from the site and that Glen Beck has already prepared a tearful monologue on the issue.
High five.
2. North Korea went forward with a long-range rocket launch on Sunday, drawing the ire of the world community. The rocket, which traveled over 1,300 miles before splashing down in the Pacific, is considered by experts to be the beginning stages of an ICBM program. In unrelated news, North Korea has invested half its GDP in that drug that erases everyone's memory of this.
3. Yankees third basemen Alex Rodriguez won't be in the lineup on opening day because of hip surgery which will keep him out until mid-May. When asked about how he'll handle sitting out for so long, Rodriguez said, “Oh, I'm nailing Madonna, it's cool.”
4. Thousands of programmers are flocking to the popular iPhone to create games and applications as a way of making money in the troubled economy. But with over 25,000 programs available already, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to be profitable, leading many to call for the legalization and taxing of iPot.
5. Over the weekend, Roger Friedman, an entertainment columnist for Foxnews.com, was fired for reviewing the yet-to-be released film X-Men Origins: Wolverine using a pirated copy he downloaded off the internet. Fox News says the review has been removed from the site and that Glen Beck has already prepared a tearful monologue on the issue.
High five.
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