2. On Wednesday Columbia's most wanted drug lord was captured in a raid involving hundreds of policemen. Daniel Rendon Herrera, also known as "Don Mario," was considered to be one of the most feared drug traffickers in the world. Don Mario's drugs are said to be the most potent because of the plants he uses, giving users almost supernatural abilities.
3. Frank Sintra's "My Way" is the most popular funeral song, a new London poll finds. Finishing out the top three were "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler and "Time To Say Goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli. And once again, finishing dead last, "Necrophilia Dance Party" by The Atheists.
4. Two Dominoes employees were charged with delivering prohibited foods after they posted a YouTube video of themselves preparing pizzas in ways which clearly violated health codes. The video shows the two now-fired employees sticking cheese up their noses and putting mucus on sandwiches. A Dominoes spokesperson issued an angry statement, saying, "Their behavior was outrageous, our mucus campaign doesn't start till summer!"
5. Today Barack Obama and the Transportation Secretary announced plans for a high speed rail system in the United States. "Imagine whisking through towns at over 100MPH," said the President. Obama then went into a routine of speed related shtick. "These trains are so fast, Paris Hilton is like, whoa, slow down! Heh, these trains are so fast, female passengers aren't just bound for their destination, they're bound to be unsatisfied! What about this one? Our current train system is so slow, Sarah Palin adopted it and named it Train!" At that point, the President tugged his collar, whispered "tough crowd," and exited quickly.
High five.
