Jesus & Baby Fat

1. The director of the CIA Leon Panetta said Thursday that the agency would no longer use secret prisons as a way of interrogating terror suspects. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that remaining "black sites" will be closed, wink, and that the U.S. would no longer, wink, support such practices... wink.

2. On Wednesday, Britney Spears put a Vancouver concert on hold for 30 minutes due to smokey conditions, saying later that crew members were becoming ill. In a related story, a March 10th Phish show is on Day 30 of a similar suspension.

3. Shawn Merriman, a former bishop for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was charged with defrauding investors of over $20 million in a Ponzi scheme that went on for over fifteen years. Merriman used the money to cover his lavish lifestyle, buying expensive cars, homes and religious artworks. Authorities were tipped off to the scheme when Merriman began purchasing famous paintings, including Rembrandt's Jesus Lights Cigar With Hundred Dollar Bill.

4. Iran announced Thursday that it has made new progress in the development of nuclear technologies, including a thousand new centrifuges for enriching uranium. The U.S. and its allies maintain that Iran is inching towards a nuclear weapon, but Iran denies the charges, insisting they've only been developing new power plants, medical treatments, and nuclear-powered stoning rocks.

5. Three new studies have discovered unexpectedly large amounts of brown fat (or baby fat) in adults, which is good for weight control. The fat was originally believed to disappear after infancy, hence the term "baby fat," but may now serve as a new strategy for battling obesity in adults. Upon hearing the news, Nicole Richie ate a baby.

High five.