Saudi Arabia & Confined Spaces

1. A new book called A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez accuses the former Rangers shortstop of tipping off opposing hitters of what pitches to expect while he played in Texas. Rodriguez allegedly gave special signals for different pitches. If it was a fastball, A-Rod would remove his hat. If it was a curveball, A-Rod would scratch his elbow. And if it was a slider, A-Rod would shrivel his penis.

2. Vice President Joe Biden yesterday advised all Americans to avoid confined spaces such as airplanes, buses, cars, and classrooms. Upon hearing the news, Fox News removed its head from Karl Rove's ass.

3. The US military announced it will be testing a new experimental aircraft that can travel 6 times the speed of sound on ordinary jet fuel. The X-51, or WaveRider, stays airborne thanks partly to the shock wave of its own propulsion. The program costs $246 million, or as military officials joke, "This $246 million just broke the sight barrier! Where'd it go? Heh ... but seriously, it's very expensive."

4. In Saudi Arabia, an 8 year old girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband. Saudi Arabia has been criticized for its history of "child weddings." The husband of the girl is breathing a sigh of relief however, saying, "I'm just glad we're getting divorced before she learns what half is."

5. Some controversial kid drawings, depicting planes crashing into the World Trade Center, were removed from the FEMA website today. The drawings are part of a coloring book called "A Scary Thing Happened," and show other disasters that might be scary for kids, like house fires, rain storms, and 50 year old Saudi men who want to marry them.

High five.