Arlen Specter & Eight Kids

1. On Tuesday, Senator Arlen Specter, a Republican from Pennsylvania, announced that he would be switching to the Democratic party. Specter is considered to be a moderate who believes in abortion rights but opposes gay marriage. Republicans were understandably upset over the news, but Specter calmed their outrage. "Listen, it's important that we keep abortion legal for the sake of marriage," said the Senator. "If you've got a better way to get rid of gay babies, I'd like to hear it!"

2. T.G.I. Friday's announced Monday that it will be reducing the prices of many of its full-portion menu items to as little as $5. This doesn't necessarily make me want to run to a T.G.I. Friday's, but if my car breaks down on the interstate, now I might consider using their parking lot to check my engine.

3. Egypt has begun the slaughter of nearly 300,000 pigs living within the country in an effort to stop the spread of the swine flu. Analysts see the move as an overreaction, but Egypt says it's not trying to be all doom and gloom. "We're consider this a chance to celebrate as well," says Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. "I mean, come on, Jesus is on his way back to Earth and we got seven seals to open!"

4. Today marked President Barack Obama's 100th day in office. Some analysts are attempting to make this benchmark a microcosm for what to expect in the President's remaining time in office, but most experts agree that this is yet another intrusion by Big Calendar.

5. Jon Gosselin of the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8 released a statement today denying rumors that he has been unfaithful. "These allegations are ridiculous," said Gosselin. "How could I cheat on my wife and 8 children? ... No, seriously, physically, how could I do it? My wife has more sperm inside her than I do. Where my balls used to be is now just a small, skin-colored, crocheted sack. My pelvis has been legally designated a dry county."

High five.