Pope Benedict & Lichens

1. GM's CEO Fritz Henderson says that the company will need another $5 billion in government funding soon in order to continue restructuring. GM has already received $13.5 billion from the government and critics are growing weary of GM's situation. Henderson tried to brush off his detractors, saying, "Listen, it's tough for everybody, even me. I get up in the morning and my butler puts my pants on me one leg at a time, same as everyone else. Sometimes he throws me off balance and we have to try again with a fresh pair of pantaloons, disposing of the used ones, but eventually he gets those pants on me, and I may as well be Mr. John Everyman."

2. Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN in a race to reach 1 million twitter followers. When ask why the victory was so important to him, Kutcher said, "I believe that we're at a place now where one person's voice can be as powerful as an entire news network." Upon hearing the news that Ashton Kutcher's voice would be as powerful as CNN's thanks to the internet, the internet dropped a plugged-in toaster into its bath.

3. The government today lifted some research restrictions in the use of embryonic stem cells, allowing cells culled from fertility clinic embryos that otherwise would be thrown away. However, still restricted by government regulations (via taxpayer money) is the creation of embryos, the destruction of embryos, and of course... "Embryo fight!"

4. A scientist at the University of California Riverside has discovered a new species of lichen, a plant-like growth which looks similar to moss, and named it after President Obama. The new species, Caloplaca obamae, was named for Obama, the scientist says, out of appreciation for the President's support for the sciences. In a similar story, a new species of vampire bat that feeds off humans for sustenance has been nicknamed "the Cheney."

5. Pope Benedict XVI said recently after a trip to Africa that the answer to the AIDS epidemic is not condoms, and that condoms may actually worsen the problem. A Vatican official then whispered into the Pope's ear at which point the Pope said, "Oh, oh, we don't want to get rid of them? Oh, I see, I'm sorry, I misheard the question. Yeah, for sure, condoms all the way."

High five.