1. Sarah Palin announced today that she will be heading to India in March to be a part of a leadership conference. Palin said she's very excited to see America's workforce in action.
2. Possible presidential candidate Newt Gingrich became upset during a college visit when a student questioned his morality given his multiple affairs. It might have been in poor taste, but Gingrich was under the podium texting another college at the time.
3. On Wednesday, President Obama announced that he and his administration would no longer defend the Defense Of Marriage Act, which bans federal recognition of gay marriage. Gay rights advocates were happy to welcome a freshly rested President Obama back from his 3 year slumber.
4. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was phone pranked earlier this week when a man called his office pretending to be billionaire Walker-supporter David Koch. The ensuing 20-minute conversation was posted on Youtube and has been confirmed by Walker's offices. However, if you think that's damning, you don't want to hear the sultry phone call Walker made to the "Naughty Nurses Who Want to Unionize" sex line.
5. An Iowa high school wrestler last week forfeited a match against a female wrestler on the grounds that his religious beliefs wouldn't allow him to wrestle girls. The girl said she respected his decision, and in the boys defense the girl had just injected herself with performance enhancing cooties.
1. A former Disney executive was sentence to 4 months home confinement today after she was found guilty of scheming with her boyfriend to sell off company secrets. The woman maintains that she was blinded by love. Her boyfriend Jaffar could not be reached for comment.
2. Researchers have unveiled the first millimeter-scale computer system, about the size of the letter N on the back of a penny. Scientists say this will allow porn to be injected directly into your penis.
3. Democratic walkouts started in Wisconsin have spread to senators in Indiana's legislature who have also walked out protesting anti-union legislation. Republicans say this is the worst thing to spread across the Midwest since that crippling Michele Bachmann Disease.
4. Despite massive protests in his country, today Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi refused to step down and insisted he would die a martyr. When reached for comment, his enemies replied, "...Yeah, we're fine with those terms."
5. Rumors have it that the iPad 2 may be revealed sometime next week in San Francisco. Though nothing has been confirmed, die-hard Apple followers say in the meantime they'll just continue to wait in line for the iPhone 17.
1. While covering the union rallies in Madison, Wisconsin last week, Fox News reporter Jeff Flock was greeted by demonstrators with chants of "Fox lies!" The reporter said he was a little hurt by the chants, but in the demonstrators' defense, he was probably lying.
2. TLC's "Sarah Palin's Alaska" received a $1.2 million tax credit from the state, taking advantage of a Gov. Palin signed bill which provides subsidies to crews filming in Alaska up to 30% of their operating costs. If you're keeping score at home, that's about $3.6 million to film Sarah Palin hanging out in her backyard and basically holding no job. If that's not a Cadillac driving welfare mom, I don't know what is.
3. The Texas legislature is on its way to passing a bill which would allow students and professors to carry concealed handguns on campus. "It's strictly a matter of self-defense," said state Sen. Jeff Wentworth, R-San Antonio. "I don't ever want to see repeated on a Texas college campus what happened at Virginia Tech." Yes, because the best way to make sure people don't shoot guns on campus... is to make sure everyone brings guns on campus.
4. A three year old is baffling modern science after being born without a cerebellum while still having the ability to perform functions long thought to require a cerebellum, such as walking or riding a bike. And today, the boy was welcomed with opened arms by the Republican party.
5. Rush Limbaugh this week criticized Michelle Obama's physique saying that she "doesn't look like she follows her own dietary advice." Read all about that and more in this month's issue of... "Wait... Who The Fuck Said That?!"
1. While speaking at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, Ann Coulter told the audience that she thinks more journalists in ally foreign countries should be jailed. In future news, during a modest ceremony amongst friends, today Ann Coulter wed her longtime boyfriend Satan.
2. After weeks of protesting, Egyptian people successfully brought down their leader Hosni Mubarak. No word yet on who will take over in Egypt but the front runner is an unknown mustachioed man named Mosni Hubarak.
3. Scientists announced today that they may have discovered evidence of a tenth planet that exists at the edge of our solar system and that it may be the largest planet we have revolving around the sun. Today religious conservatives called the claim ridiculous, saying, "Bah, planets revolving around the sun, honestly!"
4. Congressional GOP members today criticized Obama's budget proposal saying that it would be better to just do nothing at all. To which those who lived through the last GW Bush term replied, "Yes, please, do nothing."
5. The official title of the Spider-Man reboot was announced today as The Amazing Spider-Man. In order to make the transition between Spider-Man iterations, producers say they've cast the paper bag from the other films that Toby McGuire couldn't act his way out of .
While doing my daily browsing of Craigslist Egypt to find a sweet, ancient Egyptian couch and maybe even an Akhenaten era ping pong table that some grave robber is just going to throw to the curb anyway, I made this shocking discovery which is likely responsible for Hosni Mubarak's resignation.
1. Justin Bieber was booed at a Knicks' game on Wednesday after cameramen showed him on the big screen sitting courtside. You have to give Knicks' fans credit though, they know talentless when they see it.
2. Steven Soderbergh was hit with a paternity suit filed by an Australian woman claiming that the director is the father of her child and owes child support. Soderbergh has not yet commented on the claim but upon hearing the news George Clooney says he wants in on whatever the project is.
3. Minnesota girl scouts are protesting across the state refusing to sell cookies after numerous scout camps were sold or closed. Participating scout leaders say they're trying to act civil, but that it won't be long before they start teaching the girls how to make Tag-a-Bombs, Sin Mints, and Samoa-tov Cocktails.
4. It was announced today that Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony have been invited to join President Obama's Super Bowl party this year. In future news, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were arrested for tax evasion at the White House today, after receiving fake Super Bowl party invites.
5. On Thursday, Lebron James set a Miami Heat record scoring 23 points in the first quarter against the Orlando Magic. In a related story, the Cleveland Cavaliers today introduced their new hot dog warmer which can warm up to 23 hot dogs simultaneously.
1. Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak tried to squelch political turmoil in his country by telling protesting and rioting citizens that after his current term is over he will not run again. The walls of his office then collapsed, protesters swarmed inside and he quickly learned to run again.
2. Barbara Bush, 29 year old daughter of George W. Bush, today endorsed gay marriage, a view very much in opposition to her father's. Then again, that's what bush against bush is all about.
3. The Museum of New York City is featuring an exhibit celebrating the rich history of Harlem's Apollo Theater. Curators add, however, that if visitors can't appreciate the importance of the exhibit, they will be boo and/or laughed out of the museum as a clown sweeps at their feet.
4. Michele Bachmann today announced her official opposition to recent airport security technology, saying that "naked pictures" of her could show up on the internet after full body scans. However, Bachmann was not referring to an airport experience, but rather a regretful college experience involving her straight-to-video Skin-emax film, Body Scan.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers' receiver Hines Ward today criticized the NFL saying, "They don't give a fuck about concussions." Ward added, "And they don't give a fuck about concussions either."
1. The RNC today reported that they are nearly $28 million in debt. However, experts say this figure is significantly lowered if they can deduct the lap dances.
2. The show Two and a Half Men could be out millions of dollars if production stops due to Charlie Sheen's recent entry into drug rehab. The show's producers say payig the cast will be the most expensive part but that they'll save some money now that they don't have to hold an audience hostage at gun point to create laughter.
3. Former New Kids on the Block singer Jonathan Knight said in a recent interview that, despite recently being outed by former girlfriend and singer Tiffany, he was never really "in the closet." Read all about it in this month's issue of No Shit, You Don't Say! magazine.
4. Britney Spears has a new album called "Hold It Against Me" that is set to release March 15th. This will be followed soon after by a poorly planned marriage March 16th, a sloppy divorce March 17th, and a creepy new haircut March 18th.
5. As rioting and mass protests continue to erupt all over Egypt, no one is sure exactly how the anarchy will end. On a positive note, even if it does end badly, in a thousand years people will just think aliens did it.
After Paul Ryan's GOP response, Michele Bachmann will provide the second rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union speech on behalf of the Tea Party. Experts predict Bachmann's speech will unite all citizens to view each other equally, since everyone will have gouged their own eyes out.
1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence. Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.
2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle. Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.
3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more. So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.
4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries. Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.
5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.