Transmission Admission

The U.S. government apologized this week for experiments on Guatemalan prisoners and mental patients in the 1940's, admitting to purposely giving STDs to hundreds. Confused as to how STDs work, Paris Hilton researched her family tree.

High five.

Return Of The J3Di

George Lucas announced today that he will be giving all of his beloved Star Wars films a 3D makeover, starting in 2012 with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. However, Lucas warns that despite state of the art technology, Hayden Christensen will continue to remain, at best, 1D.

High five.

Hot N Oversold

Los Angeles was scorched yesterday, hitting a record temperature of 113 degrees. It also marked the first time Katy Perry ever removed clothing for free.

High five.

Like Father Like Un

Kim Jong-il's son, Jong-un, widely believed to be his father's successor, has been promoted to general. In an elaborate ceremony today, Jong-il bestowed upon his son the prestigious title along with the first of many increasingly crazy-ass toupees.

High five.

It's A Bird! It's A Plane!

A Canadian engineering student has become the first person to pilot and sustain the flight of a wing-flapping aircraft powered only by himself. The student says he'll add this to the long list of things he's used to doing by himself.

High five.

Sign Of The Times

A new AP poll shows that Republican supporters are more fired up than Democratic supporters moving towards election day. However, this contradicts a new High Times poll which shows that Democrats are firing up more than Republicans.

High five.

Le Fries With That?

Mass protest has broken out in France this week over President Nicolas Sarkozy's plan to raise the country's retirement age from 60 to 62. When asked about the idea, American retirees said they were sorry but that they couldn't hear you over the death panels.

High five.

HuffPost: Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

My most recent Huffington Post article. It's about a guy who was formerly running for Stark County Treasurer in Stark County, Ohio. The only problem is... he's batshit insane. Enjoy.

Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

High five.

Salmon Jeans

The FDA recently ruled that a genetically modified salmon, one which grows twice as fast as normal, is safe to eat and may hit store shelves soon. Scientists say the salmon was originally developed for Lady Gaga, who needed pants made of live salmon, but in half the time of her regular salmon pants maker.

High five.

Blow, Cubs, Blow!

A man was arrested in Chicago this weekend after placing a bag containing a fake explosive device near Wrigley field. Investigators say it's a good thing Wrigley Field is so inactive this time of year.

High five.