Friday, July 31, 2009

Karl Rove & Astronaut Undies

1. A Chicago company is making diamonds out of a lock of Michael Jackson's hair. LifeGem says they heat the hair up to 5,400 degrees, reduce it to carbon and then use the carbon to produce diamonds. Ten diamonds will be made and customers will be able to mount the stones however they wish, though the CEO acknowledges that using them to make jewelry for children would kind of creep him out.

2. Scientists at Oxford University say they have created another state of matter aside from the classic solid, liquid, and gas states. Researchers achieved the state, which they call "transparent aluminum," by focusing a high energy laser on a slice of aluminum. At that temperature the aluminum appeared transparent for approximately 40 quadrillionths of a second. But, the scientists add, when you're aiming the laser at the aluminum walls of a women's public shower, it's the "best 40 quadrillionths of a second ever!"

3. On Thursday, President Obama and VP Biden mediated between black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and white Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley a week after the two were involved in a racially charged arrest incident. The four chatted over beer and talked of moving forward. Yes, because nothing raises the level of discourse and squashes ignorance like injecting alcohol into a conversation.

4. Yesterday, former top White House advisor Karl Rove finished two days of testimony in front of House Judiciary Committee investigators concerning the removal of certain U.S. prosecutors. Rove maintains that he played only a small role in the prosecutor firings. Rove then retreated to his bunker in Berlin where he shot himself.

5. Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata will be returning to Earth on Friday wearing the same hi-tech underwear he's had on for the last month. The experimental undies designed in Japan specifically for space travel are said to be completely odor free. Other astronauts aboard the station were unaware of the experiment saying they had no idea anything was different, except of course for Wakata's month-old, 20 pound, garbage bag-sized ass.

High five.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Entourage & Arm-Swinging

1. A South Carolina man has been arrested for having sex with a horse, the second time in as many years he was caught having sex with this particular horse. The stable owner suspected something was wrong, waited for the culprit to return, then confronted him at shotgun point. However, the stable owner never planned on this incident awakening his long suppressed horse/stranger/shotgun fantasy.

2. Researchers believe they have discovered just why it is that humans swing their arms when they walk. The study conducted by specialists in the U.S. and the Netherlands says arm-swinging is chiefly an energy saver, though some scientists still contend it may be an evolutionary leftover. "Well," adds one researcher, "this is all aside from why Chris Brown swings his arms, of course, heh-heh."

3. A feud is reportedly heating up between the stars of the show Entourage and actor Seth Rogen. After Rogen said a few unkind words about Entourage, the writers of the show actually wrote digs at Rogen into an episode. The feud escalated even further today when the group's weekly money-pile fight was canceled due to 30,000 people dying of starvation globally every day.

4. Therapists are trying a new technique in treating people with video game addictions, specifically with the hugely popular World of Warcraft. The idea is that therapists would join the massive online game and treat players "on their own turf." Experts say in the beginning the process worked well, but that success waned when gamers began finding notes at their digital therapist's office saying, "Questing with guild come back l8er!"

5. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame spent Wednesday at the family's home in Pennsylvania setting up a scavenger hunt for the kids. The family broke into teams of two and went searching for a list of hidden items. However, an odd moment arose when Gosselin packed all eight kids in the family van and told them the next item on the list was "a hot date for this weekend."

High five.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Glenn Beck & Carcinogens

1. On Tuesday, after months of speculation, Brett Favre announced that he would not be coming back to play pro football with the Minnesota Vikings. Favre said it was one of the most difficult decisions he's ever had to make. The future Hall of Fame quarterback has yet another press conference planned for next month to announce whether or not he will return to his saved game in Madden '09.

2. Yesterday, Glenn Back stated on the show Fox & Friends that he believes President Obama is a racist. The Fox News network distanced themselves saying Beck "expressed a personal opinion which represented his own views." Fox News apologized for Beck's unorthodox behavior then corrected the situation by digitally adding tears to his appearance.

3. A new collection of studies says tanning beds are as deadly a carcinogen as arsenic. The research found that the risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when people begin using tanning beds before the age of 30. Who's laughing now, hot tan girls made famous by Laguna Beach and The Hills who would never date the very pasty me!?

4. An anonymous source said Tuesday that Yahoo and Microsoft will join forces to compete with Google in the search engine world. Reportedly, Microsoft will provide its technology and new search engine Bing, while Yahoo will handle ad sales and customer service. In short, taking into account security patch updates, Yahoo will be available for about 20 minutes of every day.

5. A study done by the journal Health Affairs says that nearly 10% of health spending is related to obesity. Health spending overall is close to $147 billion, double what is was 10 years ago. The journal says that while 10% on obesity is significant the figure could be larger, but researchers point out that it is very difficult to locate wallets on fat people.

High five.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Terrell Owens Thinking & Rick Sanchez Journalisting

1. Buffalo Bills' Terrell Owens, no stranger to trouble, criticized NFL commissioner Roger Goodell calling his treatment of Michael Vick unfair. It was rumored that Goodell would give a four game suspension to Vick should he be reinstated. Adding four games to a two year prison sentence, said Owens, was like "kicking a dead horse." Today Vick distanced himself from Owens saying, "Everyone knows kicking a dead horse is a bad idea, especially if you need your dogs to have quality horse meat."

2. The New York Daily News reported on Monday that MLB commissioner Bud Selig may consider reinstating Pete Rose, 20 years after the hits leader was banned for life for gambling on baseball. Despite a statement released by Selig saying his thinking on the matter had not changed, Rose has already placed a significant wager in Vegas that he will be reinstated.

3. Yesterday Hawaii's Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino tried to end all arguments from "Birthers," those who believe President Obama was not born in this country, saying she has "seen the original vital records ... verifying Barrack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii." However, experts agree the issue would never have arose if Hawaiians used standard birth certificates and not thinly sliced Spam.

4. A new study out of Virginia Tech Transportation Institute shows that texting while driving makes drivers 23 times more likely to get into a collision. The 18 month study followed more than 100 truckers and measured factors such as reaction time and time spent texting. However, more surprising was the text sent most commonly between truckers: "trucking lol!"

5. CNN host Rick Sanchez tweeted some harsh words about HBO host Bill Maher saying, "The more I watch bill maher, the more I realize what an opportunist he is. He'll say anything to get people to say ooohh! Even if bs!" Rick Sanchez then continued his run for the Pulitzer by being tasered.

High five.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Walt Disney & Wal-Mart

1. This weekend Alaska Governor Sarah Palin finally stepped down from her post after announcing her plan to resign weeks ago. Palin said she wanted to take on political battles on a larger stage and avoid being an unproductive lame duck for Alaska. Palin then killed a duck.

2. On Sunday Justin Timberlake unveiled his newly renovated eco-friendly golf course, telling reporters that no one is happier about the "green" course than he is. Timberlake ex-girlfriend Britney Spears also did her part for the environment today when she decided to purchase underwear.

3. David Douglas of Cypress, Texas is celebrating this week after winning the Hemingway Look-Alike Contest in Key West, Florida. The event highlights a six day celebration honoring the famous American author and was entered by a record number of contestants. Though officials agree the increased entry was not because of Hemingway's growing popularity but likely due to the elimination of the suicide portion of the contest.

4. Wal-Mart has recently announced on its website that it will be offering a $300 laptop. In an effort to compete with Best Buy's laptop deals, Wal-Mart is featuring an affordable Compaq Presario with 3GB of RAM, a 160GB hard drive, and a stylish but sturdy chassis made from the bones of former Wal-Mart greeters.

5. The Walt Disney company is doing groundbreaking new research on how consumers respond to web ads. The most interesting results came from having men browse a fake ESPN.com littered with ads featuring swimsuit clad women. Researchers found that men were instantly drawn to the ads, but after five minutes had only a flaccid interest.

High five.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Senator John Cornyn & Hatch The Mormon

1. On Friday, Michigan authorities discovered over 100 dogs living in the home of a mentally disabled man where living conditions were described as filthy and disastrous. Police were again shocked to discover nearly 150 deceased dogs in the man's basement freezer. "I don't know what to say," said the ill man, embarrassed. "If I had known their was company I would have put one in the fridge to thaw for later."

2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.

3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.

4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."

5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"

High five.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

No-Hitters & Roethlisberger's Imperfect Game

1. A government source reports that Osama bin Laden's son, Saad bin Laden, may have been killed during an airstrike in Pakistan. However, U.S. officials warn that it's difficult to be certain, and besides there are still over 300 sons to go.

2. It was revealed today that white Cambridge Sgt. James Crowley, who mistakenly arrested black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates last week, is actually a police expert on racial profiling. Crowley says he just wants to move past all this and get back to training for his life long dream of playing center for the Boston Celtics.

3. On Thursday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw the 18th perfect game no-hitter in MLB history. In honor of the no-hitter, Sox fans returned to their trailers and ceremoniously waited 18 minutes before their next domestic disturbance.

4. This morning FBI agents made the rounds in New Jersey to arrest more than 44 people on charges of corruption and money laundering, including mayors, religious leaders, and assemblymen. The extensive corruption investigation is one of the largest in the state's history, or as locals are calling it, "Thursday."

5. Ben Roethlisberger is denying allegations from a Lake Tahoe casino hostess who says the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback raped her. In a statement released today, Roethlisberger called the charges reckless and false. "Not that I haven't had my share of tight ends, if you know what I'm saying!" added Roethlisberger, throwing up a high five.

High five.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Taco Bell & Fringe Movements

1. The Taco Bell chihuahua, famous for uttering the phrase "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in so many TV ads, has died at the age of 15. The fast food company released a statement today saying they were saddened by the news. Like so many dogs before her, the chihuahua will be ceremoniously added to the Taco Bell ground beef.

2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.

3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.

4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."

5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.

High five.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Martian Healthcare & Ethics Law Violations Squared

1. In an interview Tuesday, NASA administrator Charles Bolden Jr. said that humans will definitely reach Mars during his lifetime. Bolden then theatrically drew back a curtain to reveal two astronauts planting an American flag on a poorly replicated Martian landscape. "Heh? ... Heh??" added Bolden.

2. During a heated national debate in the U.S. over healthcare, a new poll shows that Canadians generally like the healthcare they receive. While some are frustrated with long waits, 65% of Canadians say they have all the affordable healthcare they need, everything from simple checkups to the more complicated beaver hat replacement.

3. A new report today charges that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin may have violated ethics laws by taking money to pay of legal debts. No, you read correctly. Sarah Palin may be violating ethics laws to pay off legal debts resulting from possible violation of ethics laws. Do you think this is like porn to ethics law investigators?

4. Yahoo unveiled a new site design today, giving users nearly absolute customization ability. The company says it will take web surfers a short time to acclimate themselves to the redesign, but adds that the "Popular Searches" feature will remain so men quickly know what female celebrities have recently been caught naked.

5. With former NFL quarterback Michael Vick out of prison after serving 18 months for felony dog fighting charges, one question remains for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: Should Vick be reinstated with a goalpost-chained leash that is only 50 yards long, or will it go the full 100?

High five.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Peepholes & Concealed Weapons

1. Today the California legislature reached an agreement to close the state's $26 billion budget gap. The state representatives worked through the night but at long last agreed on a workable solution, detonating a nuclear warhead within the San Andrea's fault and sending California to the bottom of the Pacific.

2. Senator John Thune of South Dakota is proposing an amendment to a military bill that would allow people to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Police experts say concealed weapons are very difficult to detect, but perhaps not nearly as difficult as detecting Senator Thune's concealed intelligence.

3. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that he plans to increase the size of the U.S. military by 22,000. When asked what kind of new ad campaign the military was planning to meet these recruitment numbers, Gates replied, "Ban abortion."

4. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews is taking legal action after a video of her walking naked in her hotel room surfaced on the internet, apparently filmed through a peephole. Andrews' attorney is working with authorities to catch the culprits. In other news, a naked Star Jones drilled a 6 foot hole in her hotel room wall.

5. NASA released images today showing a scar on Jupiter, suggesting it was hit by some unidentified object. Some scientists say a comet struck the gas giant, but other experts contend the impact was caused by Earth's massive boner after viewing the Erin Andrews video. Watch out for Uranus.

High five.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beastie Boy Cancer & The Weinermobile

1. The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into a Wisconsin home on Friday after the driver mistakenly thought she was in reverse. No one was injured, but her back door did incur minor damage.



2. The world's oldest man, a 113 year old WWI veteran, died this week, attributing his longevity to "cigarettes, whiskey, and wild, wild women." I'm sorry you probably couldn't hear yourself read over the thousands of college guys who just vindicated their weekend.

3. Astronauts this weekend installed a porch on Japan's giant space station lab. The attachment will be used for experiments mainly but astronauts joked that they may use it to people watch. The scientist then interrupted the interview to yell, "Get the fuck off my space lawn, you goddamn kids!"

4. Barnes & Noble reported today that they will be opening an electronic bookstore to compete with Amazon. The company says customers will find the experience much like there real stores. For instance, men will be notified when an attractive girl is online so they can close their book of redneck jokes and go quickly to the philosophy section.

5. Adam Yauch, "MCA" of the rap group the Beastie Boys, announced on his website that he had a very treatable form of cancer. Yauch, joined by fellow members "Ad-Rock" and "Mike D," was noticably positive saying...

Yo fuck this cancer, that shit is WHACK!
Gonna beat this tumor and that's a FACT!

Watch out fools who think your cancerOUS!

Ad-Rock and Mike D are truly dangerOUS!

My name's MCA, I'm a cancer domiNATOR!

Here's Mix Master Mike and his funky crossFADER!


High five.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Drug Revenue & Moon Footage Special Edition

1. On Thursday NASA unveiled newly refurbished video of the moon landing. The original footage of the historic event was lost and, after a 3 year search, is now thought to have been erased. With the help of Hollywood studios, NASA instead sharpened the TV broadcast of the event, saying it doesn't look new, just better than before. Note to self: when Jesus comes back, don't let NASA film Jesus.

2. California officials are considering a new bill which would legalize, tax and regulate marijuana in the state, bringing in almost $1.4 billion in revenue. California is suffering from its worst budget deficit in history -- about $26 billion -- and are searching for revenue opportunities. Now you know the economy is all screwed up. We actually need drugs to get money.

3. A man in Georgia is out of prison today after spending a year in prison for not paying child support on a child that DNA now proves isn't even his. Basically, that kid you see crying and screaming in the movie theater or on the airplane or in the grocery store? He may as well have devil horns and a goatee now.

4. Harbour National Park in Sydney, Australia is trying to discover the identity of a predator that is killing off the local penguin population. Officials believe the predator to be some breed of dog or fox and have set up traps to catch the beast, including two sharp shooting snipers with night vision goggles. "We'll get the culprit," says Hollywood director and new park ranger Michael Bay.

5. A new study by the Royal Veterinary University in London shows that jockeys actually make their horses run faster by the way they position themselves on the animal. "The horse supports the jockey but doesn't need to carry his weight through each stride," says researcher Alan Wilson. "Also, it helps to have the horse constantly chased by a truck full of glue."

High five.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

SpongeBob & Meth

1. States are flooded with stimulus money designated for weatherizing homes across the country. President Obama praises this part of the stimulus bill saying it will cut costs for low income families, provide jobs, and make the country more energy efficient. Many experts also see this as a welcomed alternative to Senator Rick Santorum's legislative push to make houses more "abortion proof."

2. NASCAR is reporting today that driver Jeremy Mayfield has again tested positive for methamphetamines after failing a random drug test on May 9th. NASCAR suspected something was wrong with Mayfield after watching his last race. Officials said the driver seemed anxious, incoherent, and physically pushed his car around the track at nearly 200MPH.

3. San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers was defeated recently in a skills competition by a high school player. The pro quarterback, host of the football camp where the competition took place, said win or lose he was happy to compete against the kids. Rivers however was unhappy to hear his wife invite the high school player back to their house to see what other skills he could surpass Rivers in.

4. Judy Chu today became the first Chinese American woman elected to Congress and now serves as a Representative to California. At a press conference, Chu said she was proud to be a part of this historic day and hopes to use her new job to dispel Chinese and Asian stereotypes. Chu then kung fu flipped into her car and sped away without signaling.

5. This week a 6 year old Michigan boy wowed onlookers when he hit an 85 yard hole-in-one using his SpongeBob SquarePants golf ball. The boy said he isn't sure when he'll get another ace, but one thing is sure: this is the most uplifting story possible using the phrase "SpongeBob balls."

High five.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Erin Andrews & CIA Hit Squads

1. Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder took home the crown in the 2009 Home Run Derby. Talking to ESPN reporter Erin Andrews, Fielder thanked the crowd and said he was happy to win. Though, with Erin Andrews on the microphone, we're ALL winners in the Home Run Derby.


2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.

3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?

4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.

5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.

High five.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Tony Romo & Gosselin Reproduction

I apologize for no jokes on Thursday or Friday. Some might request a similar apology be included in every post. Rimshot. Oh, YOU. Too much. Anyway, I'm back on track. Prepare for hilarity...

*****

1. A new study released by Keele University in England suggests that swearing actually helps ease pain. Scientists believe that cursing triggers a "fight or flight" response in your brain, better preparing your body. Hear that parents? So feel better about slapping your foul-mouthed kids.

2. Sources are reporting that football player Tony Romo has dumped singer Jessica Simpson just a day before her 29th birthday. The Cowboys quarterback says he wants to return to normal when he only ruined happy moments on the football field.

3. The concert merchandise that was set to be sold during Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour will still be sold says the merchandising company. The merch ranges from mugs and t-shirts to belt buckles and replica varsity style Thriller jackets. Originally items were emblazoned with the tour's title, "This Is It," but that has since been amended with "...Unless You Wanna Buy More!"

4. Today, the first day of the hearings concerning Supreme Court nomination Sonia Sotomayor got underway. All senators recognized the extreme likelihood that Sotomayor will be confirmed. "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed," said Republican Lindsey Graham. The senator then followed Republican protocol by having an affair with Sotomayor.

5. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was with a new girlfriend in France this week, only a month after filing for divorce from wife Kate. Jon and girlfriend Hailey Glassman were spotted shopping and holding hands. Glassman however was unaware that Gosselin reproduced via mere touch and is currently expecting 27 children.

High five.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Tear Gas & Retired Horses

1. On Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shot down a resolution honoring the late Michael Jackson calling it unnecessary. Pelosi then granted a resolution naming red, white and blue Bomb Pops as America's Popsicle.

2. Figures show that Michael Jackson's memorial cost L.A. nearly $1.4 million dollars. Critics said they have no problem with the $1 million it cost to pay and feed police, but say dressing them all as Peter Pan seemed excessive.

3. Iranians took to the streets in protest this week shouting "death to the dictator." Protesters were met swiftly by Iranian police with tear gas and batons. In other news, the North Korean government is moving forward with its annual Arirang festival despite tense global relations. The celebration is expected to be met with tear gas and batons as well.

4. Sarah Palin's finances are being scrutinized now that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Palin and her husband reportedly have legal debts of more than $500,000 despite only making about $200,000 last year. Palin has many money making opportunities in the future, but experts say unfortunately she is too often paid in wolf pelts and Inuit weapons.

5. Today professional race horse "Pioneerof the Nile" was retired after the discovery of an injury to his left front leg. The horse's owners were saddened by the news but say fans will still be able to visit the horse in this child's grade school project of glitter and glue.


High five.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Bad Breath & Huggies

1. British scientists at Newcastle University and the NorthEast England Stem Cell Institute claim to have used embryonic stem cells to create a human sperm, which could potentially be used in the future to help infertile males. Experts say this also adds this to the list of reasons why women have no use for Dustin Diamond.


2. On Wednesday, police said that it was Steve McNair's girlfriend who shot the Pro-Bowl quarterback while he slept. Officials were quiet about details of the scene, but McNair's former college coach released a statement today saying, "Steve was never very good at drills involving guns firing at him."

3. A Boston man is suing Kimberly-Clark Corp., the makers of Kleenex and Huggies, over bad breath detecting technology. Marv Freadman says that he holds a patent on a device that detects bad breath and that the corporation is in violation of that patent. Kimberly-Clark during a press conference told reporters that they tried to negotiate with Freadman but said talking to him was impossible due to his "stank-ass breath."

4. Google announced that it's developing its own free operating system based off its browser Chrome to compete with Microsoft's Windows operating system. Five Jokes apologizes for the lateness of this news that actually came out in 2008, but my computer just finished with Windows XP security flaw updates.

5. A 28 year old Idaho woman was charged Monday with having sex with a 14 year old boy she was babysitting, and is being held on $50,000 bond. In other news, the 14 year old boy has recently set the Guinness World Record for high fives.

High five.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Five Jokes Dedicated To My Friend Joe Mayew

Sadly, a good friend of mine passed away today. It's very hard to be funny when things like this happen. Perhaps that means it's too soon. But this is the only thing I'm really that good at, and if I can devote time to something I'm passionate about in memory of him, then I think it's something he would have appreciated. Plus, Joe was one of the funnier guys I've ever met. Always positive, always friendly, always in the mood for a laugh. These are 100% for you, Joe (especially #5).

*****

1. Today President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed to cut their countries' respective nuclear stockpiles. No one was more eager than Medvedev who signed the agreement with one hand, passed Obama a pen with his second hand, and waved to the crowd enthusiastically with yet another hand.

2. On Monday, the British Library announced that the world's oldest, most complete Christian Bible, the Codex Sinaiticus, would be available for viewing online. However, British Library scholars note that, in the tradition of Christian Bibles, they've left plenty of room for editing.

3. Police in the Urumqi, China say they have restored order after violence erupted in the western Chinese province, leaving 156 dead at the hands of the police. Chinese police were quiet about what exactly started the incident, but today double underlined city signs that read, "No Merriment Allowed."

4. JJ Hendricks has paid $17,500 for a Nintendo game called Nintendo World Championships, much to the disappointment of his wife. The game, often called the Holy Grail of game collecting, gives players just 6 minutes and 21 seconds to go through segments of Super Mario Bros., Tetris, and Rad Racer. Hendricks says he has already beaten the game in under five minutes, giving him plenty of for intimacy with his wife. Still, Hendricks remains unsure what to do with the remaining 21 seconds.

5. A prisoner in the Canary Islands was foiled by Spanish police after he attempted to use a 4-meter zeppelin to bring him climbing equipment and night vision goggles. Police have released this photo of the man...


High five, Joe.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sonia Sotomayor & Twittering Astronauts

1. Republican Senator Jeff Sessions is connecting Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor to a group he considers extreme. In an attempt to discredit the potential judge, Sessions said today, "I think Judge Sotomayor needs to explain her affiliation with this group known as PTA."

2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"

3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.

4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.

5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.

High five.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Michael Bay & Sandwiches

1. German engineers say they have created a battery that can be printed like a silk-screened shirt. The battery weighs less than a gram, is less than a millimeter thick, and can generate voltage similar to a AAA battery. Oh, Germans... trying so hard to make us forget Hitler.

2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.

3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."

4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."

5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.

High five.