1. The Catholic League is reportedly very angry about a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David accidentally urinates on a painting of Jesus. Catholic League president Bill Donahue released a statement saying, "David's best years are behind him. He ought to quit while he's ahead." Weeks from now, after David apologizes, Donahue will run into David in a men's bathroom while David is inexplicably carrying a religious magazine out of a stall. Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
Showing posts with label Dick Cheney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dick Cheney. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Erin Andrews & CIA Hit Squads
1. Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder took home the crown in the 2009 Home Run Derby. Talking to ESPN reporter Erin Andrews, Fielder thanked the crowd and said he was happy to win. Though, with Erin Andrews on the microphone, we're ALL winners in the Home Run Derby.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
