1. Today the California legislature reached an agreement to close the state's $26 billion budget gap. The state representatives worked through the night but at long last agreed on a workable solution, detonating a nuclear warhead within the San Andrea's fault and sending California to the bottom of the Pacific.
2. Senator John Thune of South Dakota is proposing an amendment to a military bill that would allow people to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Police experts say concealed weapons are very difficult to detect, but perhaps not nearly as difficult as detecting Senator Thune's concealed intelligence.
3. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that he plans to increase the size of the U.S. military by 22,000. When asked what kind of new ad campaign the military was planning to meet these recruitment numbers, Gates replied, "Ban abortion."
4. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews is taking legal action after a video of her walking naked in her hotel room surfaced on the internet, apparently filmed through a peephole. Andrews' attorney is working with authorities to catch the culprits. In other news, a naked Star Jones drilled a 6 foot hole in her hotel room wall.
5. NASA released images today showing a scar on Jupiter, suggesting it was hit by some unidentified object. Some scientists say a comet struck the gas giant, but other experts contend the impact was caused by Earth's massive boner after viewing the Erin Andrews video. Watch out for Uranus.
High five.
Showing posts with label Erin Andrews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Erin Andrews. Show all posts
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Erin Andrews & CIA Hit Squads
1. Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder took home the crown in the 2009 Home Run Derby. Talking to ESPN reporter Erin Andrews, Fielder thanked the crowd and said he was happy to win. Though, with Erin Andrews on the microphone, we're ALL winners in the Home Run Derby.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
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