1. On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to North Korea, unofficially to negotiate the release of two detained American journalists and possibly ease nuclear tensions. Clinton was welcomed by a young Pyongyang girl who presented the former leader with flowers, a customary North Korean greeting. Clinton answered with his own traditional greeting, after which the young girl ran off crying and rehooking her bra.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
Showing posts with label Mark Sanford. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark Sanford. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Erin Andrews & CIA Hit Squads
1. Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder took home the crown in the 2009 Home Run Derby. Talking to ESPN reporter Erin Andrews, Fielder thanked the crowd and said he was happy to win. Though, with Erin Andrews on the microphone, we're ALL winners in the Home Run Derby.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
2. A new study shows that cats wield an enormous amount of power over their owners. Scientists at the University of Sussex in England say that cats take advantage of a human's response to crying to get what they want. Researchers found that when a cat gives a higher pitched cry, it wants to be fed; when the cat mixes that cry with purring, it wants to be petted; and when a cat smacks you across the face with the butt of a .22, it wants its money, bitch.
3. The Pentagon released a statement today saying that they won't ban tobacco products in war zones, though a study provided to the Department of Defense suggests tobacco use among soldiers comes with serious health risks. Oh... you mean like... being in a war zone?
4. According to intelligence officials, former CIA director George Tenet canceled the idea of a secret team of hitmen dedicated to hunting and killing al-Qaida leaders. The program was later resurrected by Dick Cheney until someone told the former Vice President that G.I. Joe was only a cartoon.
5. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford skipped meetings with his top economic advisers this week and instead took a trip with his wife. The governor recently admitted to an extramarital affair after already taking mysterious trips to Argentina. No word yet on where they've headed, but sources say the neighborhood couple the Sanfords are currently swinging with suspect an extra-swinging affair.
High five.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mark Sanford & Pubescent Galaxies
1. The Academy of Motion Pictures announced Wednesday that it will double the number of Best Picture nominees, increasing it to 10 films. The news was met with skepticism as to the intentions behind the move -- whether to increase inclusion or increase profits. More puzzling however was the announcement that 1 of the 10 films nominated must include Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
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