1. Only 24 hours after visiting North Korea to negotiate the release of two American journalists, Bill Clinton and the imprisoned journalists boarded a plane out of North Korea. It's still unclear exactly why the former President was able to find success in a country that has historically had a very tense relationship with the U.S., but Clinton seemed unsurprised. "Listen," said Clinton, thrusting his hips forward, "releasing tension is what I do."
2. A new study done by U.S. and Spain researchers of 111 children aged 3 to 8 found that extended television viewing is linked with significantly increasing a child's blood pressure, regardless of weight. Now nothing good comes from buying a video of hobo fights and watching it with your children.
3. The American Psychological Association has voted to put itself on record as being opposed to the idea the gay people can be made straight, or "reparative therapy." Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, a group that promotes the possibility of changing sexual orientation, says he disagrees with the APA and that he himself "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." When asked why he thought the APA would take this position, Chambers added, "Because they're all totally gay."
4. On Sunday, Japanese car maker Nissan unveiled its new electric zero-emissions vehicle, the Leaf. The Leaf will go on sale in the U.S. and Europe next year in time to compete with the eco-friendly vehicles of American car companies. Experts agree the Japanese car will find acceptance in the U.S., even with its sleeker design, smaller engine, and ability to transform into a giant robot and level whole towns.
5. A man was arrested on Monday for stabbing a worker at an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo. The man had reportedly been upset after being banned from the ear-cleaning salon. Tokyo police say this incident is tied in with a larger crime spree involving an incisor-polishing boutique, an index finger-massage parlor, and an eye lid-tanning outlet.
High five.
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label North Korea. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Obama Slang & Optimal Sleep Temperatures
1. On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to North Korea, unofficially to negotiate the release of two detained American journalists and possibly ease nuclear tensions. Clinton was welcomed by a young Pyongyang girl who presented the former leader with flowers, a customary North Korean greeting. Clinton answered with his own traditional greeting, after which the young girl ran off crying and rehooking her bra.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.
3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"
4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.
5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.
High five.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tear Gas & Retired Horses
1. On Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shot down a resolution honoring the late Michael Jackson calling it unnecessary. Pelosi then granted a resolution naming red, white and blue Bomb Pops as America's Popsicle.
2. Figures show that Michael Jackson's memorial cost L.A. nearly $1.4 million dollars. Critics said they have no problem with the $1 million it cost to pay and feed police, but say dressing them all as Peter Pan seemed excessive.
3. Iranians took to the streets in protest this week shouting "death to the dictator." Protesters were met swiftly by Iranian police with tear gas and batons. In other news, the North Korean government is moving forward with its annual Arirang festival despite tense global relations. The celebration is expected to be met with tear gas and batons as well.
4. Sarah Palin's finances are being scrutinized now that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Palin and her husband reportedly have legal debts of more than $500,000 despite only making about $200,000 last year. Palin has many money making opportunities in the future, but experts say unfortunately she is too often paid in wolf pelts and Inuit weapons.
5. Today professional race horse "Pioneerof the Nile" was retired after the discovery of an injury to his left front leg. The horse's owners were saddened by the news but say fans will still be able to visit the horse in this child's grade school project of glitter and glue.
High five.
2. Figures show that Michael Jackson's memorial cost L.A. nearly $1.4 million dollars. Critics said they have no problem with the $1 million it cost to pay and feed police, but say dressing them all as Peter Pan seemed excessive.
3. Iranians took to the streets in protest this week shouting "death to the dictator." Protesters were met swiftly by Iranian police with tear gas and batons. In other news, the North Korean government is moving forward with its annual Arirang festival despite tense global relations. The celebration is expected to be met with tear gas and batons as well.
4. Sarah Palin's finances are being scrutinized now that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Palin and her husband reportedly have legal debts of more than $500,000 despite only making about $200,000 last year. Palin has many money making opportunities in the future, but experts say unfortunately she is too often paid in wolf pelts and Inuit weapons.
5. Today professional race horse "Pioneerof the Nile" was retired after the discovery of an injury to his left front leg. The horse's owners were saddened by the news but say fans will still be able to visit the horse in this child's grade school project of glitter and glue.
High five.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Michael Bay & Sandwiches
1. German engineers say they have created a battery that can be printed like a silk-screened shirt. The battery weighs less than a gram, is less than a millimeter thick, and can generate voltage similar to a AAA battery. Oh, Germans... trying so hard to make us forget Hitler.
2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.
3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."
4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."
5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.
High five.
2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.
3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."
4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."
5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.
High five.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mark Sanford & Pubescent Galaxies
1. The Academy of Motion Pictures announced Wednesday that it will double the number of Best Picture nominees, increasing it to 10 films. The news was met with skepticism as to the intentions behind the move -- whether to increase inclusion or increase profits. More puzzling however was the announcement that 1 of the 10 films nominated must include Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
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