The Leaf & Ear-Cleaning Salons

1. Only 24 hours after visiting North Korea to negotiate the release of two American journalists, Bill Clinton and the imprisoned journalists boarded a plane out of North Korea. It's still unclear exactly why the former President was able to find success in a country that has historically had a very tense relationship with the U.S., but Clinton seemed unsurprised. "Listen," said Clinton, thrusting his hips forward, "releasing tension is what I do."

2. A new study done by U.S. and Spain researchers of 111 children aged 3 to 8 found that extended television viewing is linked with significantly increasing a child's blood pressure, regardless of weight. Now nothing good comes from buying a video of hobo fights and watching it with your children.

3. The American Psychological Association has voted to put itself on record as being opposed to the idea the gay people can be made straight, or "reparative therapy." Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, a group that promotes the possibility of changing sexual orientation, says he disagrees with the APA and that he himself "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." When asked why he thought the APA would take this position, Chambers added, "Because they're all totally gay."

4. On Sunday, Japanese car maker Nissan unveiled its new electric zero-emissions vehicle, the Leaf. The Leaf will go on sale in the U.S. and Europe next year in time to compete with the eco-friendly vehicles of American car companies. Experts agree the Japanese car will find acceptance in the U.S., even with its sleeker design, smaller engine, and ability to transform into a giant robot and level whole towns.

5. A man was arrested on Monday for stabbing a worker at an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo. The man had reportedly been upset after being banned from the ear-cleaning salon. Tokyo police say this incident is tied in with a larger crime spree involving an incisor-polishing boutique, an index finger-massage parlor, and an eye lid-tanning outlet.

High five.