Teenage Plagiarism & Terrorist Prostates

1. Starbucks announced today that it will be raising the price of its more complicated drinks like the frappaccinos, and lowering the price of its simpler drinks like coffee. This is the company's plan to provide value while balancing their business responsibilities, says spokesperson Valerie O'Neil. "But don't worry," adds O'Neil. "Barista snobbery will continue to be free."

2. After kidnapping their bosses and then threatening to blow up factories, desperate and disgruntled French transport workers on the River Seine have threatened to purposely pollute the river in order to get lost wages. Initially, French authorities scoffed at the blackmail threats. However, workers' demands were quickly met after they were seen entering the water with loofahs, scrub brushes, and body wash.

3. On Thursday, Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, the man convicted of the 1988 Pan Am bombing which killed 270 people, was freed by the Scottish government. Megrahi is only 8 years into a life sentence but was released early on compassionate grounds since he has terminal prostate cancer. I'm not sure what to think of this, though it's hard to defend a guy that even cancer thinks is just a dick.

4. A woman is suing Stephenie Meyer, the author of the popular Twilight series, saying Meyer ripped off a story she wrote when she was just 15. In court papers filed on Wednesday, Jordan Scott claims Meyer's latest installment Breaking Dawn is a "significant literary departure" from her previous books. "It's seems as if the book was written by a teenager," says Scott. Actually, that's not so much a departure as it is... exactly the opposite of a departure.

5. Jennifer Aniston has reportedly been ditched again, this time by He's Just Not That Into You co-star Bradley Cooper. Cooper is said to now be dating actress Renee Zellweger. Friends of Aniston say she's fine and is "used to rejection." And still my hypothesis holds: Jennifer Aniston's vagina must have teeth.

High five.