Clinton & Clinton

1. It's being reported by the Associated Press today the U.S. has purchased oil that was stolen from Mexico, part of illegal operations run by the Mexican drug cartel. Homeland Security is scheduled to return $2.4 million to Mexico on Tuesday. U.S. authorities grew suspicious of the oil when thousands of customers filled up their tanks and then took a huge diarrhea crap.

2. Rumors are running rampant that Facebook will develop and add its own next-gen search engine. Facebook recently acquired four former Google engineers as well as social networking site FriendFeed, making the idea of a Facebook search engine much more plausible. Experts say the new technology would take the creepy, stalkerish friend-finding parts of Facebook and add the creepy stalkerish pictures-of-friends-finding power of Google.

3. On Tuesday, GM announced that its highly anticipated energy-conscious Volt would be capable of getting 230 MPG during city driving. When asked how they arrived at 230 miles per gallon, the GM spokesperson said, "Wait... MPG doesn't stand for 'Male Points Gained'? ... you know, 'cause of how laid you'll be getting simply for driving a Volt?" The spokesperson's high fives went unanswered.

4. Sarah Palin is now asking people to be civil in the Health Care debate after claiming that Obama's plan may kill her Down Syndrome baby by way of "death panels." Today White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs continued to refute Palin's claims. "We would never kill Palin's Down Syndrome baby," said Gibbs. "I mean, seems like she cracked out enough to do the job herself."

5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton visited the Congo over concerns of violence and rape in the region, but was thrown off by a Congolese student's mistranslated question asking the Secretary of State what her husband's thoughts on the subject were. "My husband is not secretary of state, I am," said a very annoyed Clinton. She then violently raped the man.

High five.