Astronaut Floaties & McSteamy

1. The first pick of the 2009 MLB draft Stephen Strasburg is going down to the wire in his negotiations with the Washington Nationals, a Monday midnight deadline looming. With enormous buzz going into the draft, some are calling Strasburg the greatest draft talent they've ever seen. Strasburg was reportedly offered a record contract of over $10.5 million by Washington, but has yet to accept. I haven't seen a setup for disappointment this extreme since Jesus passed by that pickup basketball game short one player.

2. NASA scientists are excited about a new inflatable spacecraft shield that was successfully Monday. The device would be used slow a craft and protect it from the intense heat of re-entry. "Besides," adds project manager Mary Beth Wusk, "this is way cooler then those lame ass astronaut floaties."

3. Former NFL official Burl Toler died at the age of 81 today. His funeral will be held in his hometown of Castro Valley, CA, though his family has decided to cremate the remains so he does not become offensive and foul.

4. A sex tape has reportedly surfaced featuring Eric Dane in a three-way with his wife Rebecca Gayheart and former beauty queen Kari Ann Peniche. In related news, scientists confirm that Eric Dane not only has the ability to fly, he also poops money and needs only say his own name for both achieving an erection and completely disrobing women.

5. On Monday, Miami man Albert Gonzalez was charged by federal prosecutors in the largest credit and debit card data fraud in American history. Gonzalez, a former Secret Service informant reportedly hacked into retail networks and stole 130 million card accounts. Hear that, Nigerian bank account thieves who tell me I've inherited millions? You got nothin' on the U.S. when it comes to financial fraud! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

High five.