Vick & Coke

1. Early humans at least 75,000 years ago discovered that fire makes for better stone tools, according to a new report in the journal Science. The report is based off ancient tools discovered at the southern tip of Africa. Scientists say ancient humans learned that heating rocks made it easier to create stone knives and spear tips. This then led them to the next stage in human evolution: killing all humans who weren't like them.

2. Michael Vick has reportedly signed a two year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. The convicted felon told the press in the locker room he hopes people will allow him a second chance. Vick then looked to the caged Eagle's mascot across the room and gave a menacing smile.

3. On Thursday, a Miami woman doused herself in flammable liquid then lit herself on fire, only to continue walking around the Mall of Americas. Onlookers reacted in shock and panic, attempting to help the woman who was on fire for two and a half minutes. Police are unsure what caused the woman to do this, but eyewitnesses say she had just been asked out by Newt Gingrich.

4. Scientists are reporting that heart attack survivors who consume chocolate one to two times a week are 3 times less likely to die from heart disease. Experts say this is a terrific discovery in the field of heart medicine, but a sad day in the field of dentistry.

5. A new study finds that 90% of U.S. currency is laced with cocaine. Washington D.C. had the highest concentration of contaminated banknotes with about 95% of paper money there containing traces of cocaine. Scientists say this also explains the 95% crackhead rating Congress received earlier in the week.

High five.