Papa John's & Sleepy Carnivores

1. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame reportedly does not want to do the show anymore. "I wish I had a 9 to 5 job instead of the nightmare I'm living. This is 24/7," said Gosselin. Yes, if only you could stop looking after your kids 24/7 and instead spend just a few weekends a month with them while not banging 20 year olds. Oh wait...

2. There is a new theory developing as to why humans sleep. In a new survey, UCLA sleep researcher Jerome Siegel found that carnivores sleep more than omnivores, and omnivores more than herbivores, suggesting that animals sleep according to their niche in the ecosystem. Scientists admit that while there are plenty of credible theories, they don't know the real reason why humans sleep. But I know that it lets girls know it's time to leave.

3. With more bad economic news in Japan, analysts believe Prime Minister Aso's Liberal Democratic Party may be dealt a heavy blow in the upcoming elections. Unemployment rose to 5.5% last month, including one American reporter working in Japan who mistook Prime Minister Aso's name for broken English. Sorry, Prime Minister Asshole.

4. Dr. Thomas Frieden, the new head of the U.S. Center for Disease Control says it is unlikely that new vaccines for the H1N1 (swine flu) virus will be ready for October. Frieden does say however that H1N1 is the top priority for the CDC at this time. Thankfully, there is no holiday in October where masses of people walk door to door, accept food from complete strangers, and then return to home to ingest said strangers' food.

5. Papa John's founder John Schnatter has reunited with an old Camaro he sold over 20 years ago in order to help start his now successful pizza restaurant chain. Schnatter offered a $250,000 reward to the owner and eventually was contacted by a Kentucky man. Schnatter adds that though he's got his speedy '71 Camaro Z28 back, the Papa John's delivery will remain "retard slow."

High five.