The Leaf & Ear-Cleaning Salons

1. Only 24 hours after visiting North Korea to negotiate the release of two American journalists, Bill Clinton and the imprisoned journalists boarded a plane out of North Korea. It's still unclear exactly why the former President was able to find success in a country that has historically had a very tense relationship with the U.S., but Clinton seemed unsurprised. "Listen," said Clinton, thrusting his hips forward, "releasing tension is what I do."

2. A new study done by U.S. and Spain researchers of 111 children aged 3 to 8 found that extended television viewing is linked with significantly increasing a child's blood pressure, regardless of weight. Now nothing good comes from buying a video of hobo fights and watching it with your children.

3. The American Psychological Association has voted to put itself on record as being opposed to the idea the gay people can be made straight, or "reparative therapy." Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International, a group that promotes the possibility of changing sexual orientation, says he disagrees with the APA and that he himself "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." When asked why he thought the APA would take this position, Chambers added, "Because they're all totally gay."

4. On Sunday, Japanese car maker Nissan unveiled its new electric zero-emissions vehicle, the Leaf. The Leaf will go on sale in the U.S. and Europe next year in time to compete with the eco-friendly vehicles of American car companies. Experts agree the Japanese car will find acceptance in the U.S., even with its sleeker design, smaller engine, and ability to transform into a giant robot and level whole towns.

5. A man was arrested on Monday for stabbing a worker at an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo. The man had reportedly been upset after being banned from the ear-cleaning salon. Tokyo police say this incident is tied in with a larger crime spree involving an incisor-polishing boutique, an index finger-massage parlor, and an eye lid-tanning outlet.

High five.

Obama Slang & Optimal Sleep Temperatures

1. On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton paid a visit to North Korea, unofficially to negotiate the release of two detained American journalists and possibly ease nuclear tensions. Clinton was welcomed by a young Pyongyang girl who presented the former leader with flowers, a customary North Korean greeting. Clinton answered with his own traditional greeting, after which the young girl ran off crying and rehooking her bra.

2. On Monday, Donald Trump regained the Atlantic City casino he lost control of in 2005. Working with his daughter Ivanka and Dallas-based Beal Bank, Trump offered his old company Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. $100 million in cash. A bankruptcy judge, however, must still approve the deal as well as the terms of a new feeding schedule for Trump's hair.

3. The sixth edition of the UCLA Slang Dictionary will be published this month and is including the term "Obama" meaning cool, as in "You're so obama." The organizers of the dictionary say they were hesitant to print the Obama slang for fear of being seen as partisan. Instead of removing the Obama entry, they 've included people from all over the political spectrum for balance. So next time you travel to Argentina to hook up with a mistress, "Dude, that's so Sanford!"

4. Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh has reportedly slimmed down significantly, following a mysterious diet. Media experts agree that it's a pretty substantial reduction for a man who was the titular subject of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." Limbaugh says the diet is no secret and that he simply limits himself to eating only thin minority children.

5. A recent study shows that the optimal temperature for sleeping is between 60 and 68 degrees. It seems that this range cools the body down enough to initiate sleepiness the most efficiently. Scientists say this explains why the majority of time you spend in bed with your "ice queen" girlfriend results in only sleep.

High five.