Michael Bay & Sandwiches

1. German engineers say they have created a battery that can be printed like a silk-screened shirt. The battery weighs less than a gram, is less than a millimeter thick, and can generate voltage similar to a AAA battery. Oh, Germans... trying so hard to make us forget Hitler.

2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.

3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."

4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."

5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.

High five.